Fanservice Bingo

From November 5, 2007 through February 12, 2008, the Writers Guild of America was on strike. What most people don’t know is that the writers were on strike in Japan too. There’s no other explanation for the recent proliferation of mind-numbing fanservice anime:

  • To Love-Ru (Guy grabs alien girl’s tits, forced to marry her)
  • Kanokon (LIttle boy voiced by Mamiko Noto suffers through more sexual escapades than I’ll encounter in my entire life)
  • Kamen no Maid Guy (A whole episode dedicated to the inverse relationship between breast size and math skills)

Sick of boob gags? Neither am I, but it’s only a matter of time before they lose their novelty. That’s why I’m once again stepping in to keep things fresh and interesting. Presenting Fanservice Bingo:

Kanokon is the most depressing thing I’ve ever seen. Little boys voiced by Mamiko Noto shouldn’t be having more sex than me. To Love-Ru is the second most depressing thing I’ve ever seen. The guy (I forget his name) was just screwing around in his bathtub when bountiful alien hooters magically appear in his hands. Why can’t anime guys learn the feel of breasts the way I did: through the elbows?

I’m 6’0″ tall (183 cm if you live in one of those ivory tower metric system countries. Try dividing a meter by three. Can’t do it? That’s because the metric system is for pedophiles). The average American woman is 5’4″. Somehow the math all works out such that my elbows fly at nipple altitude. It’s not as glorious as it sounds. One time I was just standing still when a clumsy slut walked tit-first into my elbow. Then, further demonstrating her total lack of awareness, she whispers about it to her evil bitch friend just loudly enough for me to hear her:

Clumsy Slut: This guy just elbowed my left boob!

Evil Bitch: DID HE DO IT ON PURPOSE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!

Clumsy Slut: I don’t know…

I could feel her murderous aura permeating the atmosphere. Could I fight back? No, men can’t win against sexual harassment allegations. There was only one way to deal with this: seduction. I unleashed the ultimate technique:

[vid]HjVjWP2T8eE[/vid]

Unfortunately, that only works for Captain Bravo, so I moved on to Plan B: getting the hell out of there.

UPDATE:

New Rule: Decide beforehand whether Intros, Endings, and Flashbacks count.

Without the intro, ending, and flashbacks, Bingo on To Love-Ru Episode 3 at 21:49:

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29 people love sucking up to me

  1. IcyStorm says:

    Hmm, I have printed a copy of the bingo sheet. I will use it during my next viewings of Kanokon and To-Love-Ru.

  2. blissmo says:

    LOLOL! You really are funny and ah, if only there was a bingo game like that. Good thing you ran away lols. But I never appreciate fanservice and can never will …

  3. DinosaursXplodeXrawr says:

    haha great stuff will be checkin off the bingo next viewing and for me side elbow for boobs and back of wrist for ass…

  4. IKnight says:

    Thats . . . an inventively descripive bingo table (‘Rack-Nuzzling’).

  5. Owen S says:

    SSS+ game, will play it the next time I watch Kanokon.

  6. keke says:

    I love fanservice! Moyashimon is a quite unknown anime, and it has a few good fanservice parts.. a trap and a few hints of lesbian activity.

    http://img138.imageshack.us/img138/3410/vlcsnap73409ml4.png (Girls in leather ftw!)

  7. Amex_Yohko says:

    Somehow you forgot to mention Junjo Romantica and Neo-Angelique. Those shows full with fanservice too, I mean fanservice for girls.

  8. dood says:

    the elbow-touching-technique works wonders on full trainsbuses you just stand next to a woman with the elbows a little spread and the bustrain does all the work for you (more success on buses because they move more ^_^)

  9. Baka-Raptor says:

    My readers are all perverts (except blissmo and possibly IKnight)

  10. TheBigN says:

    Needs more camel toe… Just saying… :/

    An awesome version of bingo. ๐Ÿ˜›

  11. Nagato says:

    Curiously, I’ve managed to avoid every fanservice anime of the season thusfar.

    You could use that Bingo board to determine whether or not a certain episode has too much fanservice. Just use it while watching, play for blackout, and if you win…

  12. Coaxen says:

    That bingo reminds me of all those shitty series I’ll never have to watch ๐Ÿ™‚

    Too bad about that slut. Maybe she never noticed that the elbow will never replace the hand as a tool for… giving pleasure. All the neuronal sensors are in the wrong places.

    About the metric system: It’s better than inches and stuff:
    http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/eb/English_length_units_graph.svg
    English length units have cool names, but it’s deep shit if you have to actually use them.

    @keke: They spent all their animation budget on that leather fanservice. It would be better off without the clothes, I think. I mean, they cover the best parts.

  13. wtfbbq says:

    “Oops, I’m naked!”
    More like, “Oops! I just back-hand slapped you across your loud, obnoxious face. Now go make me a sandwich, woman”

    Now that sounds like an anime worth watching.

  14. Amex_Yohko says:

    I almost score a bingo with first two episodes of Kamen no Maid Guy…
    http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v507/Kokoro888/bingokamennomaidguy.png
    I’m not sure that cameltoe exist in KnMG or not…

  15. Baka-Raptor says:

    There was some mild camel toe on that figurine in episode 1. Close enough.

    Bingo!

    Also, I’ll allow “oops I’m partially naked!” to satisfy the “oops I’m naked!” standard. Go ahead and check it off for the end of episode 2.

    Episode 3 looks like it’ll have a failed confession. Wait and hope.

  16. Viktor Berg says:

    I don’t see what you have against metrics. Most all European countries use the metric system, and if you say all these countries consist of pedophiles only, you’ll be stepping on THIN ice indeed.

  17. Baka-Raptor says:

    Pedophiles don’t need to divide anything by 3. What’s 10/3? They don’t care; 10 is good enough for them.

    I like being able to divide by 3. I’m sure most Europeans want to. All the cool countries (USA, Liberia, Myanmar) can do it:

  18. LJ says:

    Hey, you forgot the category of “breast(or undergarment)-liberating slash attack.” I’ve seen three this week.
    It’s a classic, with a fine, thirty-four year tradition in anime alone.
    You definately could have fit it in there. Don’t think we can’t spot your filler. “Failed Confessions” are fanservice? People must really enjoy that lovely sensation, then.
    I personally believe it’s only comparable to dental torture.

  19. Viktor Berg says:

    Why should I divide by 3? Besides, instead of dividing by 3, we can multiply by 3, if we ever need to use imperial system (which is never). Also, in metric system, 1 liter water = 1 dm^3. Very practical, and very easy when calculating things.

    Also, I am a communist, so I don’t think USA is cool.

  20. Baka-Raptor says:

    @Viktor: Why didn’t you say so? Communism is all about dividing things evenly. I retract my earlier statement.

    @LJ: To Love-Ru 03 has a failed confession spurred by a naked girl riding a shark. Don’t tell me that’s not fanservice.

  21. Coaxen says:

    “Communism is all about dividing things evenly.”
    Har har har. Dividing? Who told you that? In communistic states, there is generally nothing to divide. Lack of everything makes dividing unnecessary. And ten times zero litres of beer is still zero. That’s how socialism makes maths easy to understand for everyone.

    Besides, the metric system has no such extreme medical cases like foot > square foot(WTF?) > Cubic foot. How do you measure a cubic foot? My feet do not represent a good model for that.

  22. Viktor Berg says:

    Coaxen, stop dividing by zero (OH SHI-).

  23. LJ says:

    Well played, sir, but you’ll not fool me so easily! A failed confession is a CAUSE for fanservice, but not fanservice itself, any more than a first meeting is. Sure, there’s a huge probability that the main idiot character will trip and land facefirst into her bosoms as a greeting, but that would be an accidental rack-nuzzling.
    And Coaxen, your feet WOULD represent a good model for that, if you’d just get with the program and get to guzzling industrial mutagens. It’s what the cool kids are doing.

  24. Baka-Raptor says:

    Nothing gets past detective LJ.

  25. Michael says:

    But I’m not perverted too! D:

  26. korosora says:

    You’re making me watch R+Vampire again to play bingo.

    Terrifying.

  27. .sea says:

    Men can’t win but children (preferably retarded children) can =o

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