The End?

It’s all over. I’ve officially lost. My life sucks. Now I must fulfill my promise and jump off The Bridge of Sighs.

Why, you ask, must I resort to such extreme measures after losing the Funniest Anime Blog Award? Am I not disappointed that I lost all the awards? Isn’t everybody else? Sure, but losing the award for Funniest Anime Blog is particularly painful because it practically had my name on it. It’s like making an award called Best Blog Named Baka-Raptor and then giving it to RIUVA. Just look at their post whining about getting tons of hits but no comments – so funny. You know what’s actually funny? Getting tons of comments but no hits. Guess what RIUVA (if that is your real name): you’re my new arch-nemesis. Congratulations Zyl, that title no longer belongs to you. I’ll send you an e-card or something.

But I shouldn’t take my anger out on RIUVA. It’s not their fault for accidentally winning my award. I can only blame myself, which is why I must take responsibility for my failures and jump off The Bridge of Sighs.

Why doesn’t anybody like me? Are my pictures too big? My fonts too big? My black background too easy on the eyes? My conversational writing style not challenging enough? My posts too boring without flashy banners, sidebars, or advertisements? That’s nothing jumping off The Bridge of Sighs can’t fix.

Some people still think I’m a rookie (and they don’t even think I’m the best one). I don’t blame them. How are they supposed to know I exist? I’ve had this site for nearly two and a half years and all I have to show for it is the #1 Google search result for Naruto Filler.

Eat my dust Wikipedia.

Lately I’ve been called BR. What the hell? Japanese writing doesn’t have separate characters for R’s and L’s. What if people confuse BR with BL? What if they start pronouncing BR as Bara? I’m not a rose. Jumping off The Bridge of Sighs would be the most effective way to get that point across.

Everything else about my life also sucks. Eli Manning won the Super Bowl. Animeblogger still hasn’t listed me. Tidus’s sword broke. My back hurts. I don’t have a girlfriend (but if I did, I’d complain about her too). I got two consecutive B’s in my writing class. Although my package is sizable, it could theoretically be larger. Tennis told me that my website is going downhill.

I’ve had enough. I’m jumping off The Bridge of Sighs, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.

Goodbye.

UPDATE:

Tags:

69 people love sucking up to me

  1. bateszi says:

    If you want to be the best, you have to conform. Write a summer preview. Post some Code Geass episode reviews. Start using words like ‘LOL’ and ‘loli’ in every paragraph. Get a header with a cute girl. Talk about porn-game adaptations. Finally, rename blog to ‘Baka-Dango’. It’s a scientifically proven formula; success awaits!

  2. Vincent says:

    I thinks I might like the name Baka-Laptor. or is it Baka-Laptol …. the first sounds betta.

  3. DrmChsr0 says:

    And good riddance.

    Your trolling is so painfully obvious it’s a wonder you get nominated.

    LOL

  4. keke says:

    The fall isn’t that big, and I bet if you ask nicely, Alice will scoop you up to her gondola and take your for a ride around Neo-Venezia.

  5. Valen says:

    Maybe people are scared of dinosaurs.

  6. LJ says:

    If you didn’t want people ending up calling you BR, then you shouldn’t have allowed them to make that switch in the first place.
    And I thought I told you already, punk, DROWNING IS FOR DEPRESSED HOUSEWIVES AND SAI! Do it like a man! On a thirtieth story skyscraper! Whilst shouting to someone else, “I REFUSE TO DIE BY YOUR TECHNIQUE!” and then flinging yourself off the edge and seeing if you can hit somebody’s car!

  7. IcyStorm says:

    There there, at least you were nominated. I wasn’t (not that my blog deserved to be nominated @_@).

  8. digitalboy says:

    I hadn’t yet heard of your blog at the time of the awards, but had I , I’d have voted for you – shit yours is the ONLY funny blog.

    Don’t feel too bad. I didn’t even get nominated for ANYTHING. And now I’ve been around to long to get best rookie next time, so I’m fucked.

  9. Kabitzin says:

    If it makes you feel better, it looks like you are getting slashes (like this ) inserted into your alt or title tags whenever you use an apostraphe.

    Don’t give up; when they introduce the award for best naruto filler anime blog, you are going to choke-slam the competition.

  10. Baka-Raptor says:

    @bateszi: I got comments and RSS and I stopped writing about how much Eli Manning sucks. Haven’t I already sold out enough?

    @keke: Neo-Venezia? I’m going to Paleo-Venezia. Hopefully I’ll find an Alice Carroll-Raptor.

    @Valen: People are also afraid of the unknown, but that didn’t stop them from nominating a RIUVA, whatever that’s supposed to be.

    @LJ: I’m a damn good swimmer – couldn’t drown if I tried. I was planning die upon impact with the water, or at least crash into a gondola.

    @IcyStorm: There there, I’ll nominate you for an award. How about Second Best Blog Named Baka-Raptor?

    @digitalboy: Third Best Blog Named Baka-Raptor?

    @Kabitzin: That’s what I get for experimenting with modern technology. Stupid slashes. Stupid Mouse-overs. Stupid WordPress. I need to un-sell out and go back to writing everything by hand.

  11. Jojo says:

    Yours is one of the few anime blogs I can read without my brains turning to shit. But if you want better stats, I agree with bateszi; just put random semi-pornographic fanart in each post, your readership will double!

  12. Wait, why’d you stop writing about how much Eli Manning sucks? I’d read this waaaay more if you did.

  13. digitalboy says:

    I clicked over to Riuva and in their top post the first thing I read was ‘we have over 2 million hits’ and I swore to never go back. You deserved that award dammit!

  14. Coaxen says:

    This one post is more than enough for a prize :]

    I think you have too much pride and knight honour. I mean, you shouldn’t be too high to use some dirty tricks to get the job done. Like a fancy design, some search engine optimization, fanservice, loli, pick some popular series to blog, all in order to lure some people here.

  15. keke says:

    2 million soulless hits is a grain of sand in the desert compared to the handful of ‘faithful’ hits from us^^ Right guys?

  16. Baka-Raptor says:

    @Jojo & Coaxen: Here’s something we can all agree on: ShizNat in every post.

    @A Day Without Me: The Official Eli Manning Sucks Blog was extremely popular. It got over 1000 hits a day during the playoffs, and at one point it was a top 10 Google search result for Eli Manning. But now that loser is a Super Bowl MVP. Whenever I write about how he sucks, some dumbass is going to say “but he won the super bowl!”. I just don’t care anymore. He still sucks though.

    @digitalboy & keke: Damn right. As far as comments go, my posts are actually beating theirs, except for their latest post begging for comments, which broke 140, a statistic worthy of my arch-nemesis.

  17. Viktor Berg says:

    I want to confess something…

    Your blog is the only blog I’ve ever read (seriously). I’ve ONLY accessed other bloggers when YOU had them linked in your entries.

    Now, something strikes me, and fills me with great resentment. Almost all blogs you link me to have EXACTLY the same style, font, etc. It feels like I’ve jumped into a cavalcade of B-movies, copying one another.

    Something which I love about your blog is that YOU KEEP IT FRAKKIN’ SIMPLE! The black background, the easy-to-read font, the simple drawings (which don’t draw too much attention), the unique webpage layout – all this makes your blog THE blog for me.

    <3 B[aka-]R[aptor]

  18. tj han says:

    Lol, it is true. We are not funny anymore because all of us used up our funny juices. The tragic thing is how that weird new post actually is getting some insane comment numbers.

  19. Baka-Raptor says:

    @Viktor: You just earned yourself a crappy sketch.

    @tj han: Don’t agree with me. You’re my arch-nemesis. We need to get off on the wrong foot. Your mother wears army boots.

  20. wtfbbq says:

    Aww, don’t worry Baka-kun, you’re the best and only anime blogger that I read up on. Forget those elitist assholes who don’t list you in their bullshit awards segments. Your articles are funny, witty, insightful, worth reading, and your taste in anime is excellent. Talk-a-raptor is excellent as well. Excellence in itself is the greatest blog award and for that I give you GOLD rank.

  21. @ Bake-Raptor – Well, just tell them that if the entire Patriots offensive line hadn’t been high on oxycontin, the Giants would’ve lost because Eli still sucks. If you need inspiration on how you can still bitch about a guy with a Super Bowl ring, check out http://dodgerblues.com/ – the guy’s a master at being negative even when his team wins.

    Or you could wait until three games into the season when people are screaming for his head ’cause he sucks all over again.

  22. Michael says:

    /me pats Baka-Raptor

    It’s all right, man. At least you have your comments, hahaha. 🙂

    (no hits, though), hahaha

  23. Ez says:

    Hey, this post made me laugh outright a few times. Got to give you give credit for that at least. right? =)

  24. Punktaku says:

    You lose a lot of credit for being a Maddox copycat.

  25. Os says:

    LOLOLOL only cos Sasa’s liek, my best friend that we won “rookie”… as for the shitty bowl, I had a friendly litte wager of $20 that the Pats not only won, but they’d with by at least the spread (I believe it was 14 points?).

    You should know by now, man. SHIT HAPPENS. LIFE SUCKS.

  26. Baka-Raptor says:

    @wtfbbq: You expect a crappy sketch for that?

    @A Day Without Me: “Or you could wait until three games into the season when people are screaming for his head ’cause he sucks all over again.” I can’t wait.

    @Michael: If you really care about me, why don’t you tell all your jerk friends over at animejerker.net to add me to their RSS aggrejerker?

    @Ez: Yes. That’s why I’d like credit in the form of an award.

    @Punktaku: I know. But infinity – some finite amount still equals infinity. So which blog inspired yours?

  27. digitalboy says:

    I just noticed, you sound a lot like eetsubbou-sensei in this one.

  28. @ Os – I think the shittiest thing about that Super Bowl was that I didn’t get to see Archie Manning kick the shit out of Eli afterwards because Eli’s team actually won – I had been really looking forward to that.

    @ Baka-Raptor – I can’t wait either! I’m being enough of a loser to read through The Official Eli Manning Sucks Blog right now, so I’m probably gonna end up hoping for more.

    By the way, you shouldn’t mind is people abbreviate you to BR, and then people accidentally think it’s BL, ’cause I bet that’d add another hundred hits or so daily to your blog.

  29. Owen S says:

    Note that bateszi doesn’t do all of that yet he still has his success from being soooo indie. You can’t win either way, best that you accept it now.

  30. Punktaku says:

    I’ve only been around since late February 2008 so I’m still developing a defined style. The blogger who really inspired me to do anime blogging was Kurogane, but I don’t see that much of his influence showing on my blog.

    You should go that one step further in becoming the Maddox of the Otaku world by doing a hand kissing tour of anime conventions.

  31. Shin says:

    You’re still #1. In my heart.

  32. Barclay says:

    aggrejerker sounds like a very painful porno

    also i wouldve changed my vote if i could

    gimme a time machine and the 3rd thing i do will be voting for you

  33. Baka-Raptor says:

    @Owen: But bateszi has a cozy little spot on animejerker.net. No wonder he’s so popular.

    @Punktaku: Great cosplay idea

    @Shin: Let me guess, you want a crappy sketch too?

    @Barclay: I do have a time machine, but I swore never to abuse it for personal gain.

  34. Zyl says:

    Thanks for your e-card, Baka-Raptor. 😀

    My blog is certainly have a dinotastic day, the freakin’ server is being flooded by a horde of hungry raptors or something. T_T

    And jumping off the Bridge of Sighs into Athena’s arms ain’t sounding too bad at all…

  35. Riex says:

    Wanna make a team blog? LoL.

    It’s only an option if you remember where the fuck you misplaced your balls when you wrote this.

    And funniest blog award did have your name on it. I’m not saying that to be nice either…don’t know what the fuck happened, but some cunts probably need punching.

  36. Baka-Raptor says:

    @Zyl: I can’t stay mad at you. You’re the only anime blogger whose keen eye for women rivals my own.

    @Riex: Aren’t you already on on a team blog? THE BEST TEAM BLOG? And you’d give that all up for me?

  37. Riex says:

    It was a serious proposal that I wouldn’t expect you to take seriously. If that makes any sense at all.

    Don’t tell Impz, but I feel compelled to be nice and write epic/lengthy posts 2-3 times a week at THAT. It’s too much work.

    Plus, there’s a difference between “giving everything up” and “joining a coalition to take over and/or destroy the world with an animeblog”.

  38. blissmo says:

    ;_;

    Great, I’m one of the last people to comment

    But Baka-Raptor, I thought you’d win for the Funniest Blog! I mean, heck, everything you write is funny! People just don’t have a sense of humour these days, but fear not, my dinosaur friend! There’s always next year, and besides, I didn’t get nominated for anything either. And your sketches aren’t crappy! THEY’RE BRILLIANT 😀

  39. I actually like the aesthetic borrowed from Maddox you use, because it’s simple and gets to the point. I found many of your articles funny in a similar way to how Maddox is funny, sometimes I disagree with him but he makes up for it in awesomeness. To me you’re a much nicer, family friendly blogger who doesn’t rely on profanity as much to express distaste with an item of Anime.

    Plenty of people don’t get awards when they deserve one. I remember painfully the time I was cheated out of winning first place in a fencing tournament by my opponent’s friends who were the judges. It seems a similar thing has happened here.

    I don’t know much about the Anime Blogger Awards, but I’ve never tried to have much to do with them because I know I’ll never win one. Kind of like how Ennio Morricone only won an Honourary Oscar after years of not winning one, would you rather be pandered to, or would you rather build your reputation away from the establishment?

  40. Riex says:

    blissmo lies, your sketches are crappy…but effective.

  41. Baka-Raptor says:

    @Riex: I knew it was serious. I just pretended otherwise to spare you the pain of outright rejection. Don’t worry about Impz; I don’t think he reads this site.

    @blissmo: You’ll get your crappy sketch in due time…

    @Asperger’s: I must be losing my touch. In the earlier days of the site, I was definitely more hostile and profane. At least I think I was. Building my reputation away from the establishment didn’t work (except for the Naruto Filler and Eli Manning posts). That’s why I sold out.

  42. Cokematic says:

    “Why doesn’t anybody like me? Are my pictures too big? My fonts too big? My black background too easy on the eyes? My conversational writing style not challenging enough? My posts too boring without flashy banners, sidebars, or advertisements? That’s nothing jumping off The Bridge of Sighs can’t fix.”

    your fonts are too big 😉

    and dont worry, the blog I wanted to win the “funniest blog award” also didn’t win.

  43. Viktor Berg says:

    @Baka-Raptor: Why, I am honored. But please do not take my words for flattery. I merely stated facts. Well, in the very least, many thanks to your layout, my eyes don’t get raped every time I read a blog.

  44. LJ says:

    @Baka-Raptor, 43: You’re damn right you’re losing your touch. Why, back in the day, someone accused you of being self-fucking, rather than asexual, you woulda capped that motha. And now, you simply direct him towards a dictionary. What happened?

  45. blissmo says:

    @Riex:

    Shut up, Riex! He’s just jealous 😛

  46. And when I am depressed about no one liking my blog, I click on my blogroll link ‘Baka-Raptor’ to soothe my pain. Reminds me that at least The Blue Fox Alley is not crappy. Just unknown. :p

  47. Michael says:

    LOL @ CRAPPY ANIME BLOG HAHAHAHA

    AHAHAHA

  48. Laguna Loire says:

    Leaving the # 50 !!!!
    Heeey, you cannot win an award as your site is not so famous as riuva’s (2341066 total visitors by 15th july)..lol…seriouslly, i like your site and i often come here to read your anime’s review…and believe me…it made my life different…as i would never have watched claymore or death note without reading your reviews…so i tend to watch those animes whose grades are *** from your rating system…and really ,i discovered your site typing “naruto filler” in google…lol…that really is a funny post! So remember !!!!!! Your site is good and you could increase it’s popularity making more reviews of baddas shows and crappy ones too (Naruto filler is a proof of that)… Don´t give up! I’m expecting a good anime review post…but meanwhile…those filler posts will keep the audience busy.

  49. ExiledShinobi says:

    Most comments ever to be seen on a Baka-Raptor article to date.

    The ploy works!

  50. Lelangir says:

    Yeah, this was a pretty fucking hilarious post hahahaahahaha. I love the e-card, that was genius.

  51. [ID Sojourner]

    I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

  52. Fucking hell, stop being a drama-queen and come back already, geez.

  53. Baka-Raptor says:

    @LJ: I’m always offended when people point me to a dictionary.

    @Laguna: You win a special prize for being comment #50.

    @Lelangir: You win a special prize for being overall comment #888.

    @The Sojourner: Now I need to draw a crappy sketch for ID Sojourner too…

  54. digitalboy says:

    I hope Baby Mario isn’t considered my crappy sketch.

  55. Baka-Raptor says:

    @digitalboy: It is.

  56. Joe says:

    Stop being a baby and man up. I don’t read any other blogs, period, so you’re doing something right. Does Kamina whine and decide to jump off bridges whenever his helpful actions and general masculinity goes completely unappreciated, or does he go right back to doing what he does best? Which is apparently making exploding underwear.

    P.S. Go back to blogging about how much Eli sucks. God, he’s so bad.

  57. Baka-Raptor says:

    @Joe: I think you’re confusing Kamina with Kogarashi (thought it’d be awesome if you’re not).

  58. Joe says:

    @Baka-Raptor: I had to wake up early to take my Mom to the airport. Kamina was, of course, my mistake, it should have read Kogarashi. My CMU education has failed me, I can’t even function on 4 hours anymore. I used to call that a restful night.

  59. Jojo says:

    “Baka-Raptor for Prez: A ShizNat for Every Post.”
    You’d have my vote. Oh lordy.

  60. keke says:

    60+ comments? Is this a record?

  61. Laguna Loire says:

    @Baka-Raptor: Teheheh , now for my prize (if i can choose) i’d like a new anime review, please !

  62. korosora says:

    hey bara.
    BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
    BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

  63. Epi says:

    Awwwwwww. Your blog is pretty funny, I do enjoy reading it even if it is an anime rip off of maddox.

  64. […] 6/12: I jump off the Bridge of Sighs. […]

  65. […] Except for that time four months ago when Riex reached out to me and I rejected him. […]

  66. I concur

    your blog is a fantastic read, even though I have no interest in any of the anime you talk about whatsoever…

    maybe conform by becoming the #1 One Piece Blog? Whatever, you have my support.

    Regards,
    Gnarfard.

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