The ShizNat in the Rye

The ShizNat in the Rain

Blame this post on Michael:

Michael: I’m trying to get a bunch of anime bloggers to write about The Catcher in the Rye. We’ll all read each other’s posts and laugh and dance and be merry and gay. I know it might sound like a circle-jerk, but trust me, it’s definitely not a circle-jerk.

Me: But I haven’t read the book.

Michael: That’s ok, it’s not like I’m asking you to partake in a circle-jerk or anything. I’m just trying to get some coincidentally male bloggers to come together and have a blast. We’ll have loads of fun – definitely not a circle-jerk!

Me: I don’t know, it sounds like a circle-jerk…

Michael: IT’S NOT A CIRCLE-JERK!

Me: I’ll think about it.

The book was cheap so I read it. Now behold as I make the greatest contribution to literary discourse ever.

The Catcher in the Rye is about some dude named Holden who gets kicked out of his boarding school. He doesn’t want to return home before his parents receive official notice of his expulsion, so he bums around New York for a few days. A lot of crazy shit happens, but none of it was crazier than the time Holden spent the night at Mr. Antolini’s house.

Holden hates people. He frequently rants about all the “phonies” he sees. However, there was one person Holden deeply admired: Mr. Antolini, his former teacher. Holden recalled an incident when a bullied student jumped out a window. All the other witnesses gawked at the bloody mess instead of trying to help, but Mr. Antolini rushed to the student and single-handedly carried him all the way to the infirmary. Holden knew he could count on Mr. Antolini, so as he was running low on money towards the end of his trip, he decided to spend the night at Mr. Antolini’s place. Everything was going fine until Holden woke up in the middle of the night after feeling Mr. Antolini’s hand stroking his forehead. Thinking that Mr. Antolini was making a gay pass at him, Holden freaked out and ran away.

Natsuki = Holden

Shizuru = Mr. Antolini

Shizuru was the only person Natsuki considered a friend. When Natsuki was all alone, Shizuru reached out to her. Whenever Natsuki needed a favor, Shizuru was willing to help. When Natsuki’s underwear was stolen, she headed straight to Shizuru (though never made it). Natsuki trusted Shizuru – until she found out that Shizuru may or may not have sexually assaulted her while she was asleep. Just like Holden, Natsuki assumed her friend was a homosexual, freaked out, and ran away.

The moral of this story is that you shouldn’t be so homophobic as to assume people are gay just because they touch you while you’re sleeping. It could all be a misunderstanding. Holden had been through a rough trip and looked sick. Perhaps Mr. Antolini touched Holden’s forehead to check if he had a fever. Similary, Shizuru only stripped naked and snuggled with Natsuki because Natsuki was suffering from hypothermia and needed Shizuru’s body heat to recover.

And even if they are gay, is that so wrong? As Holden was running away from Mr. Antolini’s house, he recalled how much he respected Mr. Antolini, yet he wouldn’t go back. On the other hand, Natsuki decided to confront Shizuru after remembering how much she loved her. The two of them resolved their differences/fought to the death, died, came back to life, and got spun off to an alternate dimension where they lived happily ever after.

UPDATE: Michael’s circle-jerk has grown to point-line-triangle-square-pentagon-hexagon-septagon-octagon-jerk magnitudes: