Political Commentary under the Guise of Anime Blogging: Part II

Financial Bailouts

Even Krauser looks chaste compared to the fiendish Secretary Paulson. 700 billion dollars for bailouts = 700 billion rapes per second.

SUBJECT: REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

DEAR AMERICAN:
I NEED TO ASK YOU TO SUPPORT AN URGENT SECRET BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH A TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF GREAT MAGNITUDE.

I AM MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA. MY COUNTRY HAS HAD CRISIS THAT HAS CAUSED THE NEED FOR LARGE TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF 700 BILLION DOLLARS US. IF YOU WOULD ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSFER, IT WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE TO YOU.

I AM WORKING WITH MR. PHIL GRAM, LOBBYIST FOR UBS, WHO WILL BE MY REPLACEMENT AS MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY IN JANUARY. AS A SENATOR, YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS THE LEADER OF THE AMERICAN BANKING DEREGULATION MOVEMENT IN THE 1990S. THIS TRANSACTIN IS 100% SAFE.

THIS IS A MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY. WE NEED A BLANK CHECK. WE NEED THE FUNDS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. WE CANNOT DIRECTLY TRANSFER THESE FUNDS IN THE NAMES OF OUR CLOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER SURVEILLANCE. MY FAMILY LAWYER ADVISED ME THAT I SHOULD LOOK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY PERSON WHO WILL ACT AS A NEXT OF KIN SO THE FUNDS CAN BE TRANSFERRED.

PLEASE REPLY WITH ALL OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, IRA AND COLLEGE FUND ACCOUNT NUMBERS AND THOSE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN TO WALLSTREETBAILOUT@TREASURY.GOV SO THAT WE MAY TRANSFER YOUR COMMISSION FOR THIS TRANSACTION. AFTER I RECEIVE THAT INFORMATION, I WILL RESPOND WITH DETAILED INFORMATION ABOUT SAFEGUARDS THAT WILL BE USED TO PROTECT THE FUNDS.

YOURS FAITHFULLY MINISTER OF TREASURY PAULSON

I haven’t been able to find the source of that 419 scam parody letter. Regardless, it’s brilliant.

Abortion

Fetuses are a threat to us all. There are two ways to get rid of them:

The only thing the president can do to outlaw abortions is nominate a conservative Supreme Court justice. Will any of the current justices die or retire over the next four years? How will the new justices end up voting 10 years down the line? Nobody knows. Hence, abortion is one of the least relevant wedge issues in a presidential election, perhaps only topped by…

Gay marriage

Legal recognition of marriage is a state issue. The federal government (and president by extension) have absolutely no control over gay marriage. But they like to pretend they do.

Global Warming

[vid]7p9WmYfJM4Y[/vid]

They’re talking about global warming. I am not kidding.

Global warming is threatening our lesbians. Just look at those poor girls. Thanks to global warming, they’re paralyzed by confusion and unable to move forward in their relationship. I demand $700 billion to fund a new task force that will help our lesbians construct coherent metaphors. We can abbreviate it LCCM (pronounced “lick ’em”).

Foreign Relations

We need a president who treats other countries like shit. The more condescending, the better.