Political Commentary under the Guise of Anime Blogging: Part II

Financial Bailouts

Even Krauser looks chaste compared to the fiendish Secretary Paulson. 700 billion dollars for bailouts = 700 billion rapes per second.

SUBJECT: REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

DEAR AMERICAN:
I NEED TO ASK YOU TO SUPPORT AN URGENT SECRET BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH A TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF GREAT MAGNITUDE.

I AM MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA. MY COUNTRY HAS HAD CRISIS THAT HAS CAUSED THE NEED FOR LARGE TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF 700 BILLION DOLLARS US. IF YOU WOULD ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSFER, IT WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE TO YOU.

I AM WORKING WITH MR. PHIL GRAM, LOBBYIST FOR UBS, WHO WILL BE MY REPLACEMENT AS MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY IN JANUARY. AS A SENATOR, YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS THE LEADER OF THE AMERICAN BANKING DEREGULATION MOVEMENT IN THE 1990S. THIS TRANSACTIN IS 100% SAFE.

THIS IS A MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY. WE NEED A BLANK CHECK. WE NEED THE FUNDS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. WE CANNOT DIRECTLY TRANSFER THESE FUNDS IN THE NAMES OF OUR CLOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER SURVEILLANCE. MY FAMILY LAWYER ADVISED ME THAT I SHOULD LOOK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY PERSON WHO WILL ACT AS A NEXT OF KIN SO THE FUNDS CAN BE TRANSFERRED.

PLEASE REPLY WITH ALL OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, IRA AND COLLEGE FUND ACCOUNT NUMBERS AND THOSE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN TO WALLSTREETBAILOUT@TREASURY.GOV SO THAT WE MAY TRANSFER YOUR COMMISSION FOR THIS TRANSACTION. AFTER I RECEIVE THAT INFORMATION, I WILL RESPOND WITH DETAILED INFORMATION ABOUT SAFEGUARDS THAT WILL BE USED TO PROTECT THE FUNDS.

YOURS FAITHFULLY MINISTER OF TREASURY PAULSON

I haven’t been able to find the source of that 419 scam parody letter. Regardless, it’s brilliant.

Abortion

Fetuses are a threat to us all. There are two ways to get rid of them:

The only thing the president can do to outlaw abortions is nominate a conservative Supreme Court justice. Will any of the current justices die or retire over the next four years? How will the new justices end up voting 10 years down the line? Nobody knows. Hence, abortion is one of the least relevant wedge issues in a presidential election, perhaps only topped by…

Gay marriage

Legal recognition of marriage is a state issue. The federal government (and president by extension) have absolutely no control over gay marriage. But they like to pretend they do.

Global Warming

[vid]7p9WmYfJM4Y[/vid]

They’re talking about global warming. I am not kidding.

Global warming is threatening our lesbians. Just look at those poor girls. Thanks to global warming, they’re paralyzed by confusion and unable to move forward in their relationship. I demand $700 billion to fund a new task force that will help our lesbians construct coherent metaphors. We can abbreviate it LCCM (pronounced “lick ’em”).

Foreign Relations

We need a president who treats other countries like shit. The more condescending, the better.

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20 people love sucking up to me

  1. Wouldn’t this guy be the best pick for president of the US of A?

    (He’s serious, really.)

  2. lolikitsune says:

    It’s so true—they really are talking about global warming!

    Man, this is why Strawberry Panic is the best anime ever. Forget Chizuru. She was just methane on the carbon dioxide.

  3. lolikitsune says:

    Why is this post in “Anime” when the last of its kind was in “Blatant Filler Posts” ? Inconsistency GET! You’re just like a politician, Baka-Raptor!

  4. I’m pretty sure I first saw that fake 419 on alternet.org, but I’m too lazy to re-find it.

    I still don’t know if its bad that I’m a creep or not =(

  5. bakaneko says:

    I’m all for everything you said. The bailout money is absolutely needed. I mean do you have any idea how much do banquets, spa treatments and golfing cost these days at the resorts? After all, somebody has to do the spending when the rest of America won’t. It’s all about the trickle down effect. So, flood all the money to the top, and just wait for the trickle. It’s the patriotic thing to do!

    And to those of you who blame our beloved G.W., whose purity of heart enables him to say things like, “First of all, I don’t see America having problems.” [interview with Bob Costas at the 2008 Olympics, Beijing, China, Aug. 10, 2008], I just ask that you take his other inspiring words, “to turn off the TV cameras” and to just simply wait out on a Wall Street which “got drunk and now it’s got a hangover.” One day, it’ll “sober up and not try to do all these fancy financial instruments.” Yee Haa! [speech at a private fundraiser, Houston, Texas, July 18, 2008]

  6. NegativeZero says:

    natsuneko/nekosasu:

    Pretty sure this guy would be better:

  7. kanzeon says:

    Umm… Free tambourines for everyone?

  8. Yamcha says:

    Flip flop, flip flop, do a flip flop! I can be a politician too!

    *Rapes Baka-Raptor’s tambourine*

  9. TheBigN says:

    Have you seen DMC 7 yet? Krauser takes his raping to a new level.

  10. Baka-Raptor says:

    @natsuneko/nekosasu: He’d be great for the United States of Japan.

    @lolikitsune: I was going to make a trivia page pointing out all my “accidental” inconsistencies. Now you’ve ruined it. And who is this “Chizuru” you speak of?

    @A Day Without Me: Depends on your measurements.

    @NegativeZero: You and natsuneko/nekosasu have way too much free time on your hands.

    @bakaneko: I still don’t understand how that dumbass got elected, twice.

    @kanzeon: No, that’s communism. In America, you need to earn your tambourines.

    @Yamcha: You just earned yourself a shotgun marriage to my tambourine.

    @TheBigN: R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-RAPE! (that means yes)

  11. Hoshi says:

    I bow to Krauser-san. I bet he’d make a good president. He’s already got Tokyo Tower’s vote anyhow. :]

  12. Praz says:

    That dumbass got elected, twice, because of false promises he made about wedge issues like gay marriage and the fact that there are enough dumbass Americans who are too oblivious to realize that he has no control over them.

  13. FFVIIKnight says:

    @Praz
    Should watch the Colbert Report about “Stupid Voters”… 🙂

  14. @ Baka-Raptor – I think now you’re the creepy one.

  15. Baka-Raptor says:

    @Hoshi: Tokyo Tower must have Stockholm Syndrome.

    @Praz: Bush got elected because his last name is Bush. And that other stuff too.

    @FFVIIKnight & EVERYONE: Colbert Report episodes are now online. Watch them.

    @A Day Without Me: Anything you can do, I can do better. And if you were truly creepy, you would’ve said “six inches”.

  16. lolikitsune says:

    Shit, did I get her name wrong? It’s been too long. You know, th—- oh.

    Chikaru.

    I meant Chikaru.

  17. lulz the picture scares me.

  18. Epi says:

    Any post that features Strawberry Panic gets my vote!!! I never realized there was a SP game, I wish they’d make a second season to that show…

  19. @Baka-Raptor: What are they saying in English… any subs?

  20. […] in our democracy. Granted, it’s not the sort of excitement that most people are envying (or not envying) but it once again proves that anime is capable of explaining anything. Things are not quite as […]

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