What ever happened to standards?

When I first watched Full Metal Alchemist, Roy Mustang’s “sexiness” cracked me up. If you haven’t seen the show, here’s the gag: all the ladies would fall head over heels for him even though he looks generic enough to be a harem lead.

Then I found out that many girls in real life actually think he’s hot. Maybe it’s because he’s a high-ranking military officer, and women are attracted to money and power above all else. Or maybe they’re just desperate otaku willing to cling onto any modicum of sexual fulfillment they can grasp.

That’s not to say Roy Mustang doesn’t have his strong points. Even if his character design is laughably generic, at least he’s over 18 and doesn’t act fruity all the time, unlike the Ouran High School Pedophile Club.

I went to high school with a guy who looked exactly like Kyouya. Nobody liked him. I’ll never understand how Kyouya is supposed to hot. Now, I’m not gay, so it would never make 100% sense to be, but I can try to look at him objectively. Can you point to one feature on Kyouya that’s sexy? And make it a positive feature (negative features like “he’s not fat” or “he’s not crippled” don’t count). Face it, girls only like Kyouya because he’s rich. Just imagine this guy wearing rags and living in a barrel. Nobody would care about him.

If you’re guilty of fantasizing about any of the above characters (especially Dan-kun), don’t worry, help is on the way. I’ve compiled a list of real men for you to drool over. Sorry Sankaku Complex, your softcore porn galleries are no match for this buffet of manliness:

Now that I’ve straightened out the hordes of heterosexual women and gay guys who read this site, I can move on to lambasting those of you who claim to be attracted to women. Lately I’ve been hearing a lot about something called DFC, which stands for “I Am Geeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.” Proponents of DFC claim that chest is better than breast, or in other words, 2D > 3D. These pedophiles think they’re so damn refined for saying they’re too good for tits. I’m reminded of those fucking elitists who act all high and mighty when they say they prefer ass to tits. Ass is no more or less important than legs, arms, and every other part of the body that men and women have in common. I have a shapely ass. Does that mean I should be attracted to myself? Oh wait…

As I was saying, DFC is bullshit. Case in point: Shana.

I have no clue why so many guys are so infatuated with Shana. She’s generic, flat, short, and bitchy, just like every asian girl I’ve ever rejected. I’ll admit she’s not ugly, though she’s arguably the least attractive character on her own show (it’s a toss-up between her and that slutty incestual pedophile girl). Why fantasize about Shana when you could have Wilhelmina or Yuji’s Mom?

They can haze my flame

The following women are also Baka-Raptor approved:

This is not an exclusive list. Other women may be presented to me for my approval.

UPDATE: The list of men isn’t exclusive either. Other men may be presented to me for my approval.

UPDATE #2: If everyone in the whole world loves Balsa as much as I do, why isn’t there any fanart of her? Somebody draw her killing a tiger. In return, I will draw a picture of you killing the animal of your choice.

51 people love sucking up to me

  1. mmmmm, Balsa.

    Revy, Kaname Chidori, Ohno Kanako, Yamada Ayumi, Itoh Nobue, Nakajima Youko, Ryougi Shiki, Minami Haruka. I’d name more but that’s all that comes to mind right now.

  2. @Baka-Raptor:

    Your discourse on masculinity interests me. You’re saying that nobody is attracted to a generic guy like Roy Mustang apart from the fact that he’s rich. And that muscly guys like Maid Guy are the bomb.

    Have you ever considered that Maid Guy is so awesome that no real man could ever live up to those standards of manliness, and the majority of men would be a slightly less girl juggling version of a harem lead?

    Keitaro is the only Harem lead that I remember, mostly because Love Hina is the only Harem lead I have seen, and not even in full. I like him, and not because I am a desperate guy who wants lots of ladies, one is enough for me.

    As for DFC, I agree with you there, but now’s the point where you’re equally attributing hyper-feminine standards to women, but maybe not, since hyper-feminine doesn’t usually include hot girls with sniper rifles and swords. The only real example I can think of who’s attractive yet technically DFC is Ogiue from Genshiken, and that’s because she’s got a good personality. And don’t worry, she is older than 18 by a little bit, so she is not pedo-bait.

  3. This taking back of love ingrigues me.
    I figure I’ll have a couple of paragraphs of solid TL;DR ready on the subject by the time nobody gives a crap.

  4. That Rider pic is so hot, I think I’m going to go destroy my fixed-width blog layout. Thank you for enlightening me, Baka-Raptor. I’m a pedophile no longer. -dr. lolikit

  5. Wait, Guts? A one armed squinting cripple who spends all his spare time wading through corpses and going insane. A man whose mission in life is to chase down a gorgeous bishie who rejected him. A man who kills children and animals. One can but conclude that Guts achieves high status on account of being hard. In which case surely the arsiest DFC-carrier could also reach the desitrable standard by merit of their character/actions?

  6. You’re trying to apply Western preferences upon a different Japan culture, whose women value in their men either ambition or cuteness. Hence, Roy Mustang and Kyouya. Name one desired feature, as according to Japanese girls, on Kyouya: he looks like a girl. Of course, in American high schools, that kind of sissiness would secure his ass daily kickings. Japanese girls just don’t prefer manliness, or else Ozma Lee from Macross Frontier would have been the main lead instead of the Alto-hime.

    Your preference for Yuji’s mom is no less weird than other people’s of Shana, although I do salute you on your other choice Wilhelmina. Other recent women that should be on the list: Nel from Bleach, Kaori Kanzaki from To Aru Majutsu no Index.

  7. Thank you for calling out Shana. I’d previously called out Shana’s doppelganger Louise. All that’s left is to take down Taiga now.

    Your analysis of Kyouya is spot on, and money and power are very attractive. Also major props for recognizing Balsa because she is so awesome and yet relatively unknown.

    DFC is the fork in the road where you decide between pedophilia and trap-loving pseudo-total-gayness.

  8. 2 things. first off i lol’d very hard about you liking your own ass. and second, i got this new phone that i can go online with and out of all the websites i’ve visited yours was the best layout on my phone!

  9. […] Baka-Raptor’s post makes some interesting assumptions about masculinity, mainly that muscly heroes who exhibit hyper-masculine traits are superior to what he regards as “generic harem leads” like Roy Mustang, who he believes only gets the girls (and fangirls) because he is rich. He further states that big breasted Anime characters are superior to flat chested ones, exhibiting his state of forcing idealised standards onto women whether fictional or real. […]

  10. I do think both Roy and Mustang are hot, mostly because their personalities aren’t like typical harem leads. (Also Kyoya in particular has good fashion sense which is also a plus). There are guys at my school who resemble Kyoya and are popular (although not in a ridiculous Ouran level).

    I can’t defend Kitamura from Toradora though, he’s probably the epitome of your post. He, I can definitely see, looks like an otaku with unwarranted popularity.

    Plus muscle-y men don’t have that sort of gentle “boy next door” feel. Sure they’d actually be useful, but can they talk about their feeeeelings? It just wouldn’t match.

    I always thought Balsa was 10000x hotter than Shana. I respect her attitude as well, she’s quite admirable.

  11. Who’s the guy above Guts? He kinda reminds me of him and that can’t be a bad thing.

    btw are you planning to review the rest of Evangelion episodes? I started to watch it recently so I enjoy your reviews.

  12. @ix: I immediately approve Ohno Kanako, Yamada Ayumi, and definitely Ryougi Shiki. Kaname Chidori and Minami Haruka certainly have potential, but I won’t approve them until they turn 18. Haven’t seen Black Lagoon, but I’ll approve Revy anyway. Itoh Nobue is 20 in the anime but 16 in the manga. Haven’t seen/read either, so I’ll approve her for the anime only. I can’t find an age for Nakajima Youko, so I’ll tentatively add her to the wait-list with Kaname and Haruka.

    @Asperger’s: I hold Roy and Kyouya to a higher standard because they’re thrust into the role of the sexy guy. Girls fall in love with these guys at first sight. The attraction is based on looks alone, and unless your name is lelangir, you can’t determine personality from physical appearance. Since they’re overtly sexualized characters, I need to believe they’re something more than generic to understand why girls like them. After all, I’ve never heard of a fetish for “normal” guys. If Roy and Kyouya were just normal characters who girls happened to like based on a combination of looks, personality, and perhaps capital/asset ratio, I wouldn’t complain. And yes, all the women I’ve listed aren’t 100% hyper-feminine because they could kick my ass. I must admit, personality was a major factor in my selection.

    @keke: That depends. Is she at least 18 years old?

    @LJ: I’ll be waigint.

    @kitsune: Congratulations on no longer being a pedophile. I knew you’d understand someday. Rider’s expression in that pic blows me away, even though I usually hate pictures of women smiling for no reason. Smiling for no reason is just like crying for no reason: too much baggage.

    @IKnight: I say she’s just right.

    @coburn: Sure, character can theoretically win the day when physique comes up short. Conversely, there are many physically stacked anime chicks whose shitty personalities I can’t stand. All the women I’ve listed, in addition to their bombshell looks, are badass killing machines (except Yuji’s mom). This rant on standards is technically limited to physical attributes only. And in all fairness, Guts has bigger tits than any of the girls on Lucky Star.

    @bakaneko: Is the culture really that different? As recently as the 80’s, anime was full of manliness. Male characters were tough both mentally and physically, and they had sideburns. Nowadays Japanese girls only think girliness is attractive because all the scrawny male manga artists want to glorify their own image, and women are too damn manipulable. Apparently men are no better since flat women have succeeded in promoting their DFC.

    @Kabitzin: You have excellent taste in women, and men. Also, your DFC quote makes the cut for that quote rotator I’m planning to put up. I’ll get around to it in about 2-3 years. Keep ’em coming.

    @digitalboy: It’s true, I’m totally jealous of your ability to lower your standards. I know I’d be a much happier person if I could enjoy things that suck (which is pretty much everything).

    @Omisyth: Don’t stand behind me.

    @Dancing Queen: Wait ’til I rub it in lolikit’s face (not my ass, my layout. He insisted that my layout wouldn’t work well on mobile devices).

    @shirokiryuu: Sure, personality-wise they’re cool. But it’s well-established scientific fact that all men with a keen fashion sense are geyyyyyyyyyyy. I haven’t seen Toradora yet, but I’m sure it’s part of the problem. I’ll get back to you on the third point once I get around to looking up “feelings” in the dictionary. I believe it refers to a body part that men don’t have. Finally, Balsa is amazing. The world would be a better place if everyone were a little more like her.

    @blissmo: Girls? What girls? I only listed women.

    @kanzeon: Right here (I just approved him).

    @Specter: He’s Ken, the lead character from Hokuto no Ken (a.k.a. Fist of the North Star). Because LJ kept pestering me, I recently watched the first three episodes, and I have plans to watch at least two more. As for Evangelion, episode reviews are on the back-burner because I can do those at whenever I want, unlike time-critical topics such as criticizing people’s taste in women. I’ll finish the Eva eps eventually, but it won’t happen anytime soon. No guarantees, but I think I’ll do a few over Thanksgiving break…

  13. @Baka-raptor: That’s my point, real men don’t always resemble women’s fantasies, that’s why male shoujo love interests are often antithesis to an idealized male image.

    You do have a point about fashion, however, no matter how gay Korean boy bands look (and I do think they do), they still have uncountable number of fangirls.

    Also the same applies to women as well. When I watch shows directed towards males, there are many times I don’t feel any sort of connect to the female characters, because they’re pandering to a male audience, they act more like an idealized male image of a female, versus to what I would think would be a reasonable thing to do. Of course most anime aren’t mean for realism, but rather what the audience wants.

  14. Guys? I gotta add in Light-O. What woman wouldn’t like him? Smart and a total jerk! But seriously, you should add in Kamina. I agree with your choice of Golgo…

    Girls? You completely missed Murrue Ramius, school teacher post-time slip Yoko and of course The Major.

  15. I do like how Dan-kun expresses everything that’s wrong with the harem-lead route, without him actually having a harem. Though his manliness off-set’s his appearance. 😛

  16. As a legitimate ass man (not to discount the breasts altogether), I take issue with being compared to those who claim to be into “DFC” (read: “12 year old boys”). Especially from a guy who uses Shana characters as an example but leaves out Marjorie.

  17. @shirokiryuu: I could write a whole post about how men suck at creating female characters. 1000 words.

    @Shiro Long Tail: I made a deal with Galatea. Today I get to use her. Tomorrow she gets to use me.

    @Epi: I approve Light and reject Kamina (he never shuts up, definitely not manly). I haven’t seen Gundam SEED, but I’ll approve Ramius based on looks alone. Is post-time slip Yoko over 18? If not, I’ll approve post-post time slip Yoko. I don’t know if The Major counts as being a woman with all her interchangeable parts, but that lesbian robot likes her, so I suppose she makes the cut.

    @C.I.: Technically I’d be fossilized.

    @TheBigN: Dan-kun has the spirit of a true man. I’d rather see my (hypothetical) daughter chase after Dan-kun than the Ouran High School Host Club.

    @otou-san: Did I?

  18. I approve of the ladies, but NOT the “manly” muscular men. Σ(゜д゜;) They give me the bejeebies.

    I don’t mind muscular Kamina though :]

  19. Who wins between Kamina and Adult Simon in terms of manliness?

    And Baka-Raptor, does you approving Krauser means you approve Negishi?

    That just reminded me that there are two secondary characters in Gurren Lagann you may approve : Kitan and the Spiral King.

  20. @Michael: Yuuko by herself is fine, but if she’s bringing along Maru, Moro, Watanuki, and Mokona, she gets the boot. In return, I’ll double-approve Arcueid. CC is a pedophile, but that doesn’t mean I won’t approve her.

    @A Day Without Me: I’d say hell, but Satan probably banished him for his inability to shut his mouth.

    @Hoshi: So you admit you’re a lesbian.

    @The Sojourner: ShizNat is under 18. I only approve of Shizuru being with Natsuki. I don’t approve of me being with either one.

    @Hyunk: Adult Simon wins, hands down. I’ve it before and I’ll say it again: Kamina is a whiney bitch. I approve Negishi only when he’s acting like Krauser (with or without the costume). I approve the Spiral King but reject Kitan. He reminds me too much of Kamina.

  21. how about mugen, spike spiegel and jiguro? they should fit in …

    and i know you haven’t watched black lagoon yet (which i really think you would like, having read your blog for a while now), there are some characters that might get into this list besides revy:
    rock, mr. chang and espescially balalaika (i terms of being badass she definitely stands even with balsa … i mean, she even tortures little children, watching them bleed to death as a punishment for killing some of her soldiers, though her scarred face might lower her rank)

  22. Gotta say, I approve of Rider, but no-one else.
    Mostly, I’m attracted to the shy, cute women/girls from Anime, and the girly guys. I’m definitely a girl for dominance over her partner, and it’s not going the other way around. So, no huge muscle-men, and no overly confident women.

  23. Well, like many women I lust over, Kyouya has glasses and is carefully put together. I always love seeing the episodes when the club is all in street clothes, because Kyouya looks like he referenced a database of clothes (while the twins, with their designer mother, are just weird). And everyone cares about whether or not the target of lust puts a little effort in.

    Also, yes — most obviously absurdly rich. I suspect fans think he’s hot for the same reason they think Snape is hot (despite specific narrative evidence to the contrary), because they’re woobifying him in their mind.

  24. Kyouya has nice hair and Cute glasses. His eyes are pretty cute too so get over it. (This comming from a Kaoru lover lol)

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