I Hate Animals

Animals are only good for three things: breakfast, lunch, and dinner. They used to be good for manual labor, but nowadays there’s nothing an animal can do that a machine can’t do better, faster, cheaper, and without shitting all over the place. Why does anime portray animals as cute and lovable? They’re stupid and self-indulgent. They’re drinking our water and raping our women. ((I’ve seen videos)) Enough is enough. It’s time for mankind to take back its rightful place at the top of the food chain.

I Hate Cats

A few nights ago I was carrying groceries from my car into my apartment. I usually carry them all in one go, ((like a man)) but this time I was being a pussy and decided to make two trips. ((There was a buy 2 get 3 sale on frozen pizza. I came home with a lot more food than anticipated.)) I figured there’d be no harm in leaving the trunk open while I went inside. When I returned to my car about a minute later, I saw a cat jump out of my trunk and scamper away. It didn’t look like it stole anything, so I figured no harm was done. Then I saw this:

Stupid fucking cat ripped a hole in my ice cream. ((but that didn’t stop me from eating it)) What did I do to deserve this? If the cat ever shows its face around my place again, I’m introducing it to my microwave.

Nobody seems to care when cats bite people, but when I bite people I get sued. Why the double standard?

I Hate Birds

I hate the way birds are a basis for cheap metaphors. I hate metaphors. Why can’t people say what they mean?

A few years ago I tried saving a sparrow that got caught in a sticky rat trap. Unlike the gentle the birds in anime, this bird kept flapping and screeching every time I tried to touch it. Stupid ungrateful bird. I should’ve just let it die. When I told my mother that I saved the bird, she had to turn it into a fucking Disney story as she was gossiping to her friends on the phone. She said the bird understood I was trying to help it and let me pull it out. Lying bitch.

Birds are evil. Why else would they attack innocent villagers tied up by evil henchmen?

I Hate Dogs

I didn’t always hate dogs. When I was younger I played with my neighbors’ dog all the time. Then my neighbors moved away and I never saw the dog again. ((lolikit cried when I told him this story. I have a long history of telling stories in an unintentionally depressing manner.))

Dogs are just as evil as birds.

And dogs are stupid too:

57 people love sucking up to me

  1. great quote for “Why can’t people say what they mean?”:
    “Chicken: it’s like a cow, but different”

    This clip shows it

  2. “Nobody seems to care when cats bite people, but when I bite people I get sued. Why the double standard?”

    Obviously cats and other animals have no perception of right and wrong; they’re like human babies in that sense, so if a cat bites someone (or if that sparrow flaps around while you’re trying to save it), it’s innocently. But if a person bites someone, they should know it was wrong. But for most people, if a cat bites them (or rips a hole in their ice cream in your case), they could punish the cat any cruel way they want and usually get away with it, so the cat gets the worst of it most of them time.

    LOL, but I understand that this post should not be taken so seriously, so I won’t =P

  3. What if the one animals gained our intellect which became the dominate species and we were one of the “animals”. What would they view us? Because cmon, we destroy their natural homes from our own personal greed. Where else can they go

  4. What about fish? Fish are quite possibly the most efficient/superior animals ever:

    1) They require no form of affection. (perfect for hermits.)
    2) They dont make noise.
    3) They require almost no form of care, short of dropping a few grains of food into a tank a couple of times a day. (They actually eat what they get since theyre not ungrateful assholes like dogs and cats.)
    4) They cant attack you. In fact, theyre one of the few forms of animals that dont attack innocent villagers. (Unless youre talking about sharks, and they only do it when the asshole villager pollutes the ocean with his blood.)
    5) If you ever get sick of them, you can eat them any time you want without fear of rabies or avian pneumonia.
    6) They dont leave feces lying around your house, particularly feces which can screw up unborn babies (see Toxoplasmosis).

    Face it, there is nothing you can hate about fish.

  5. This post makes me sad. Bring back the better days of fanservice bingo or talk-a-raptor.

    Also, footnotes are gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy!

    I love this post! Keep up the good work!

  6. I have a cat and it is useless. If it was an Anime character it would be that Sakura pink haired girl from Naruto, because my cat is lazy and she only complains when I don’t let her outside every five seconds and then back in again.

    And it killed my brother’s axolotl. Such an awesome animal died a cruel death at the hands of my cat.

  7. Let me also add that ‘lolcats’ is the stupidest form of ‘humor’ ever introduced to the world wide web. There is nothing Id like to do more than find the owner and stomp him in the nuts, although the sheer girliness of lolcats probably transformed them into ovaries.

  8. “When I was younger I played with my neighbors’ dog all the time. Then my neighbors moved away and I never saw the dog again.”

    aaaahhh… poor baka-raptor..:-( hahahaha

  9. “They used to be good for manual labor, but nowadays there’s nothing an animal can do that a machine can’t do better, faster, cheaper, and without shitting all over the place. Why does anime portray animals as cute and lovable? They’re stupid and self-indulgent. They’re drinking our water and raping our women.”

    Congratulations! This fits perfectly in the definition of “homo sapiens”.
    Though I’d rather call it pan narrans, the storytelling ape.

    I also hate animals, especially those bald monkeys occupying the cities. And pigdeons. And dogs. And cats.

    Oh, and about that wonderful sketch with the cat, the radioactive molecules and the Geiger Hammer – Quantum Physicists say that the cat might be in the superposition of two states – dead and alive. But it is necessary to add one more state – pissed off like crazy. So the observer should be armed with another hammer, just in case.

  10. Praz: What good will all that do when the oceans somehow magically evaporate into nothingness in the event of a nuclear holocaust that turns the entire planet into Australia?
    I guarantee you fish would find some way to be annoying pissants too if they lived on land.

    Also, Galf is probably the fourth most boring filler villain, next to body-slam fat guy, Cannon-Train-Man, and who could forget, Man Who Likes Baths. Why can’t they all be awesome and ambiguously gay like Heart?

  11. @Eroshiyda: Yeah, but fish take enough shit as it is. Some “vegetarians” eat fish because they don’t consider it meat, even though they’re eating the muscle of a species in the animal kingdom. If a vegetarian ate me, I’d be pissed.

    @lolikit & Z: You know, the story took place about 12 years ago. The dog is probably dead by now.

    @dood: Quote not found.

    @IKnight: I can think of at least two raptors I hate. Therefore I hate raptors.

    @lelangir: It’s exactly what it looks like.

    @Kiri: I’ve never been raped by an animal. I’ve been bitten, stolen from, and pillaged, but never raped.

    @Yumeka: So cats lack the mens rea necessary to be viewed as criminals?

    @bakaneko: Where were you on the night of the 19th when my ice cream got violated?

    @SilentSky: Then humanity is screwed.

    @Praz: A guy in my freshman year dorm hall had a fish tank. It make the whole hall stink. I hate fish.

    @wtfbbq: Thank you!

    @Asperger’s: What’s your brother doing with a critically endangered animal?

    @j.valdez: I loooove kitties!

    That picture is just for illustrative purposes. Garfield sucks.

    @Omisyth: Get thee to a bestiality.

    @Praz: A few days I say a was at Borders and saw a lolcats books misplaced in the humor section. Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.

    @Coaxen: I guess the secret’s out: I hate people.

    “I also hate animals, especially those bald monkeys occupying the cities. And pigdeons. And dogs. And cats.”

    Then you must really hate hot dogs, a hellish concoction of all those animals.

    I never really understood why it’s a hammer that has to kill the cat. Unless the hammer strikes it in the head, I’m not confident a hammer would get the job done.

    @LJ: Oh man, I just watched the episode with Man Who Likes Baths. What a tool.

    @Kairu: Fine, I’ll admit some cats aren’t so bad…

    @ghostlightning: Two sentences, a new record!

  12. I know you’re not excusing pandas, but I can at least console myself with the fact that anthropomorphic animals from beyond a young girl’s trapdoor (very possibly from the depths of her imagination, but that ruins all the fun) don’t deserve your hate?

  13. How topical! I am just watching my backlog of World Destruction. So many animals, kuma. I am so tired of talking like this kuma. Why won’t they stop saying kuma, kuma?

  14. “I figured there’d be no harm in leaving the trunk open while I went inside.”

    Yeah, totally not your fault.

  15. this site is going doooooooooooooooooooooown hill…

    But hey, garfield is an awesome cat…if all cats were just like him…we’d all be done for the day 😉

  16. @issa-sa: That’s exactly the problem. Imaginary animals don’t do all the stupid shit real animals do.

    @blissmo: Funny, I don’t like blissmo. /kidding

    @Michael: Get thee to a nunnery.

    @Joe: I’m betting on the Lions this week. Not money (that’d be crazy), just points on Yahoo. I missed the first two weeks and never caught up to the leaders so it’s not like I’ve got anything to lose.

    @Epi: I agree, bear. Too many animals enslaving manking, bear. Crazy dragon bitch was pretty amusing though, bear.

    @Nanashi-san: Yes. And if a woman walks around public without her trunk covered, it’s her fault if she gets raped.

    @Rakuen: Are people still saying “a cat is fine too”? I feel like that meme is over 9000 years old. Am I doin’ it right?

    @Laguna: My website has now been going downhill for 2 years and 7 months.

  17. finally, someone fucking shares my utter hatred for all pets. Fucking little bastards. All deserve to die and be consumed. Never met a worthwhile pet.

  18. Wow, that really sucks. Still, I totally agree with you. Funny thing though, in the past, my grandma and I would go out and find some birds to place on a leash and to force it to eat raw rice. Afterward, she cooked it. Then we got another one and the same thing happened.

  19. Man, I just remembered something.

    If you haven’t seen this yet, prepare to be smitten by superb British humour:

  20. […] Strangely enough, I’ve been wondering how the dog ever met Kuro. And what it represents. In some perspectives, I feel that the dog might just be Kuro’s mother or Keita’s mother in the body of a dog. Then again, that would be weird. It’s always trying to eat all of Kuro’s food and has an appetite tantamount to that of Kuro. It really should be shot. I mean, if a dog were to lick you on the face, you would love it. But if I were to lick you on the face, you will issue a restraining order 3. Why the double standard? […]

  21. Animals are okay but I am the lord of the insects…except for cockroaches. Like zombies they can not be controlled…

  22. Wow…Seems like you have severe issues…First , animals , such as trees are making this world “livable” , it’s like for a receipe for let say a cake , u miss an ingredient? then you’re cake fails.
    The bird didnt kiss u thank you…The cat didnt carved sorry on the box…Well , most of us , humans , tend to humanize animals , trying to give or see in them a reflect of our specy , but we’re wrong , animals have their way of intereacting , we have ours.
    You hate animals…Tha’s sad to read something as stupid , aren’t you ,like me , like we , an animal afterall? On the otherside , I think they-animals-have much more reason hating us than we have hating them….See the world , the pollution , the wars , the misery , racism etc…It only is a human thing…I m talking on a specy level , human versus let say rats …Rats wont mutilate other rats for pleasure or force other rats to behave in a certain way , but we do , we don’t care , we use books to kill , we kill in the name of something we’ll never see , we steal the money we don’t have , we pollute oceans etc….It tomorrow the world die , it wont be because of pigeons shitting on statues or boars reproducing too fast , it will be because of us , who selfishly took the planet as a giant trashcan.So yeah , you’re right , keep hating animals , we’re far better than them…

  23. i don’t know am i supposed to cry or laugh. i think you have watched too much anime. stop living in a fairytale. please. oh and go to therapy.

  24. animals are wonderful, and if they dont show affection to you then its either 1.its instinct. 2. YOUR EVIL 3. you diddint deserve it, the only thing i agree with about all this, is that metaphors are stuipid. my dream is to become govenor and help animals and the homeless, and to own a horse or two

  25. god made animals act waaaayyyyy better then people to, they dont pollute the earth, they dont rape eachother or make things to kill eachother, our species have millions of horrible people, like the green river killer and hitler and millions of rapists and murderers and more, so boo hoo an animal ripped your ice cream or bit you or dosent say thank you when you help them. tou seriously need therapy or juss go to hell, and by the way animals are not evil, cause it even says IN THE BIBLE they are not capable of evil and go to heaven

  26. Aww the little kitten ripped a hole in the ice cream container BAAWWWWWW </3333

    Lmao, we ARE animals, and without animals, we wouldn't live, because, in case you didn't notice, moron, we EAT animals.

    You really have no reasoning behind your hate, you're just saying it to say it with random excuses. :p

  27. Rock on! I hate all amimals big and small. What realy annoys me that i have to put up with everyday is that my family has this damm dog that they adore. One of my family members even sings to the damm thing. Why, the dog does not under stand what you are doing, and you look old and insane while doing it. Sometimes i dream of kneeing that dog in the rib cage, putting it in a crate, and chucking in the sea (i live near the sea by the way). But i won’t do it because i can’t get hold of a crate, and my family would kill me. For my family, FOR MY FAMILY!

  28. Also, wach out for those seagulls, the’re taking over! Sons of (other seagulls) allways crapping all over every ones heads. Where’s the respect.

    And as for those pancake turtles,…….. i plain just don’t like them. VICTORY IS MINE!

  29. The only animals I hate are humans. We’re disgusting. I can’t stand when we seem to forget that we are animals too and place ourselves higher than the rest of the animal kingdom when we don’t even deserve it. Oh, the cat poked a hole in your ice cream. God forbid. You don’t need any of that shit anyways. Also, when a non-human animal bites someone, they get killed—and no one seems to give a fuck. When a human gets so much as bitten, people freak out and when a human gets killed people flip their shit. Non-human animals are considered property to society. God I fucking hate our species. But fuck what I have to say, I’m just a shitty human myself.

  30. Thank you for sharing this. I laughed while reading this because it sounds EXACTLY what I would write. I freaking hate animals and people made it seem like I was some abnormal freak so I googled it and came upon this. When you think about it, animal lovers are the freaks. Animals are not meant to be domesticated. They are sources of food. Plain and simple. Gah.

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