I Hate Animals

Animals are only good for three things: breakfast, lunch, and dinner. They used to be good for manual labor, but nowadays there’s nothing an animal can do that a machine can’t do better, faster, cheaper, and without shitting all over the place. Why does anime portray animals as cute and lovable? They’re stupid and self-indulgent. They’re drinking our water and raping our women. ((I’ve seen videos)) Enough is enough. It’s time for mankind to take back its rightful place at the top of the food chain.

I Hate Cats

A few nights ago I was carrying groceries from my car into my apartment. I usually carry them all in one go, ((like a man)) but this time I was being a pussy and decided to make two trips. ((There was a buy 2 get 3 sale on frozen pizza. I came home with a lot more food than anticipated.)) I figured there’d be no harm in leaving the trunk open while I went inside. When I returned to my car about a minute later, I saw a cat jump out of my trunk and scamper away. It didn’t look like it stole anything, so I figured no harm was done. Then I saw this:

Stupid fucking cat ripped a hole in my ice cream. ((but that didn’t stop me from eating it)) What did I do to deserve this? If the cat ever shows its face around my place again, I’m introducing it to my microwave.

Nobody seems to care when cats bite people, but when I bite people I get sued. Why the double standard?

I Hate Birds

I hate the way birds are a basis for cheap metaphors. I hate metaphors. Why can’t people say what they mean?

A few years ago I tried saving a sparrow that got caught in a sticky rat trap. Unlike the gentle the birds in anime, this bird kept flapping and screeching every time I tried to touch it. Stupid ungrateful bird. I should’ve just let it die. When I told my mother that I saved the bird, she had to turn it into a fucking Disney story as she was gossiping to her friends on the phone. She said the bird understood I was trying to help it and let me pull it out. Lying bitch.

Birds are evil. Why else would they attack innocent villagers tied up by evil henchmen?

I Hate Dogs

I didn’t always hate dogs. When I was younger I played with my neighbors’ dog all the time. Then my neighbors moved away and I never saw the dog again. ((lolikit cried when I told him this story. I have a long history of telling stories in an unintentionally depressing manner.))

Dogs are just as evil as birds.

And dogs are stupid too: