I Hate Animals
Animals are only good for three things: breakfast, lunch, and dinner. They used to be good for manual labor, but nowadays there’s nothing an animal can do that a machine can’t do better, faster, cheaper, and without shitting all over the place. Why does anime portray animals as cute and lovable? They’re stupid and self-indulgent. They’re drinking our water and raping our women.1 Enough is enough. It’s time for mankind to take back its rightful place at the top of the food chain.
I Hate Cats
A few nights ago I was carrying groceries from my car into my apartment. I usually carry them all in one go,2 but this time I was being a pussy and decided to make two trips.3 I figured there’d be no harm in leaving the trunk open while I went inside. When I returned to my car about a minute later, I saw a cat jump out of my trunk and scamper away. It didn’t look like it stole anything, so I figured no harm was done. Then I saw this:
Stupid fucking cat ripped a hole in my ice cream.4 What did I do to deserve this? If the cat ever shows its face around my place again, I’m introducing it to my microwave.
Nobody seems to care when cats bite people, but when I bite people I get sued. Why the double standard?
I Hate Birds
I hate the way birds are a basis for cheap metaphors. I hate metaphors. Why can’t people say what they mean?
A few years ago I tried saving a sparrow that got caught in a sticky rat trap. Unlike the gentle the birds in anime, this bird kept flapping and screeching every time I tried to touch it. Stupid ungrateful bird. I should’ve just let it die. When I told my mother that I saved the bird, she had to turn it into a fucking Disney story as she was gossiping to her friends on the phone. She said the bird understood I was trying to help it and let me pull it out. Lying bitch.
Birds are evil. Why else would they attack innocent villagers tied up by evil henchmen?
I Hate Dogs
I didn’t always hate dogs. When I was younger I played with my neighbors’ dog all the time. Then my neighbors moved away and I never saw the dog again.5
Dogs are just as evil as birds.
And dogs are stupid too:
- I’ve seen videos [↩]
- like a man [↩]
- There was a buy 2 get 3 sale on frozen pizza. I came home with a lot more food than anticipated. [↩]
- but that didn’t stop me from eating it [↩]
- lolikit cried when I told him this story. I have a long history of telling stories in an unintentionally depressing manner. [↩]
Tags: Aria, azumanga, hokuto, lucky star
44 people love sucking up to me
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Holy shit, a comment RSS feed!baka-raptor@baka-raptor.com
December 20th, 2008 at 10:58 am
What about fish? Don’t you hate fish?
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December 20th, 2008 at 11:14 am
I cried.
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December 20th, 2008 at 11:43 am
great quote for “Why can’t people say what they mean?”:
“Chicken: it’s like a cow, but different”
This clip shows it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8S2HADMZ00
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December 20th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
What about raptors?
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December 20th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
I dunno I’m quite a fan of cats and dogs. Except Flander’s dog…whenever that gets referenced my eyes role for no apparent reason. Also, WTFLOL???
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December 20th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Animals hate you too! Hence all the biting, stealing, raping, and pillaging, I guess.
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December 20th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
“Nobody seems to care when cats bite people, but when I bite people I get sued. Why the double standard?”
Obviously cats and other animals have no perception of right and wrong; they’re like human babies in that sense, so if a cat bites someone (or if that sparrow flaps around while you’re trying to save it), it’s innocently. But if a person bites someone, they should know it was wrong. But for most people, if a cat bites them (or rips a hole in their ice cream in your case), they could punish the cat any cruel way they want and usually get away with it, so the cat gets the worst of it most of them time.
LOL, but I understand that this post should not be taken so seriously, so I won’t =P
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December 20th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
> I Hate Cats
Grrr…. Well, I hate dinosaurs too! :p
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December 20th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
What if the one animals gained our intellect which became the dominate species and we were one of the “animals”. What would they view us? Because cmon, we destroy their natural homes from our own personal greed. Where else can they go
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December 20th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
What about fish? Fish are quite possibly the most efficient/superior animals ever:
1) They require no form of affection. (perfect for hermits.)
2) They dont make noise.
3) They require almost no form of care, short of dropping a few grains of food into a tank a couple of times a day. (They actually eat what they get since theyre not ungrateful assholes like dogs and cats.)
4) They cant attack you. In fact, theyre one of the few forms of animals that dont attack innocent villagers. (Unless youre talking about sharks, and they only do it when the asshole villager pollutes the ocean with his blood.)
5) If you ever get sick of them, you can eat them any time you want without fear of rabies or avian pneumonia.
6) They dont leave feces lying around your house, particularly feces which can screw up unborn babies (see Toxoplasmosis).
Face it, there is nothing you can hate about fish.
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December 20th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
^And if you get catfish/snails you don’t have to clean the tank!
Though I think you have to change the filter once in a while.
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December 20th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
This post makes me sad. Bring back the better days of fanservice bingo or talk-a-raptor.Also, footnotes are gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy!
I love this post! Keep up the good work!
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December 20th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
I have a cat and it is useless. If it was an Anime character it would be that Sakura pink haired girl from Naruto, because my cat is lazy and she only complains when I don’t let her outside every five seconds and then back in again.
And it killed my brother’s axolotl. Such an awesome animal died a cruel death at the hands of my cat.
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December 20th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Wah..??? even kitties?
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December 21st, 2008 at 2:03 am
I love animals. And they love me. You just… don’t understand.
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December 21st, 2008 at 3:22 am
Let me also add that ‘lolcats’ is the stupidest form of ‘humor’ ever introduced to the world wide web. There is nothing Id like to do more than find the owner and stomp him in the nuts, although the sheer girliness of lolcats probably transformed them into ovaries.
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December 21st, 2008 at 3:38 am
“When I was younger I played with my neighbors’ dog all the time. Then my neighbors moved away and I never saw the dog again.”
aaaahhh… poor baka-raptor..:-( hahahaha
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December 21st, 2008 at 4:20 am
“They used to be good for manual labor, but nowadays there’s nothing an animal can do that a machine can’t do better, faster, cheaper, and without shitting all over the place. Why does anime portray animals as cute and lovable? They’re stupid and self-indulgent. They’re drinking our water and raping our women.”
Congratulations! This fits perfectly in the definition of “homo sapiens”.
Though I’d rather call it pan narrans, the storytelling ape.
I also hate animals, especially those bald monkeys occupying the cities. And pigdeons. And dogs. And cats.
Oh, and about that wonderful sketch with the cat, the radioactive molecules and the Geiger Hammer – Quantum Physicists say that the cat might be in the superposition of two states – dead and alive. But it is necessary to add one more state – pissed off like crazy. So the observer should be armed with another hammer, just in case.
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December 21st, 2008 at 6:13 am
Praz: What good will all that do when the oceans somehow magically evaporate into nothingness in the event of a nuclear holocaust that turns the entire planet into Australia?
I guarantee you fish would find some way to be annoying pissants too if they lived on land.
Also, Galf is probably the fourth most boring filler villain, next to body-slam fat guy, Cannon-Train-Man, and who could forget, Man Who Likes Baths. Why can’t they all be awesome and ambiguously gay like Heart?
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December 21st, 2008 at 7:16 am
I personally love animals. But sometimes I hate them. Like my cat, who sneaks in to my room. And sometimes eat the food on the table. FTW
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December 21st, 2008 at 7:29 am
Animals are metaphors for lurkers. Every time you say you hate animals, a lurker dies of laughter and self-hatred.
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December 21st, 2008 at 10:29 am
@Eroshiyda: Yeah, but fish take enough shit as it is. Some “vegetarians” eat fish because they don’t consider it meat, even though they’re eating the muscle of a species in the animal kingdom. If a vegetarian ate me, I’d be pissed.
@lolikit & Z: You know, the story took place about 12 years ago. The dog is probably dead by now.
@dood: Quote not found.
@IKnight: I can think of at least two raptors I hate. Therefore I hate raptors.
@lelangir: It’s exactly what it looks like.
@Kiri: I’ve never been raped by an animal. I’ve been bitten, stolen from, and pillaged, but never raped.
@Yumeka: So cats lack the mens rea necessary to be viewed as criminals?
@bakaneko: Where were you on the night of the 19th when my ice cream got violated?
@SilentSky: Then humanity is screwed.
@Praz: A guy in my freshman year dorm hall had a fish tank. It make the whole hall stink. I hate fish.
@wtfbbq: Thank you!
@Asperger’s: What’s your brother doing with a critically endangered animal?
@j.valdez: I loooove kitties!
That picture is just for illustrative purposes. Garfield sucks.
@Omisyth: Get thee to a bestiality.
@Praz: A few days I say a was at Borders and saw a lolcats books misplaced in the humor section. Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
@Coaxen: I guess the secret’s out: I hate people.
“I also hate animals, especially those bald monkeys occupying the cities. And pigdeons. And dogs. And cats.”
Then you must really hate hot dogs, a hellish concoction of all those animals.
I never really understood why it’s a hammer that has to kill the cat. Unless the hammer strikes it in the head, I’m not confident a hammer would get the job done.
@LJ: Oh man, I just watched the episode with Man Who Likes Baths. What a tool.
@Kairu: Fine, I’ll admit some cats aren’t so bad…
@ghostlightning: Two sentences, a new record!
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December 21st, 2008 at 10:45 am
I know you’re not excusing pandas, but I can at least console myself with the fact that anthropomorphic animals from beyond a young girl’s trapdoor (very possibly from the depths of her imagination, but that ruins all the fun) don’t deserve your hate?
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December 21st, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Funny, I don’t like dinosaurs either
/kidding
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December 22nd, 2008 at 2:42 am
Get thee to a pet cemetery.
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December 22nd, 2008 at 4:31 pm
There’s room for all of Gods creatures.
Right next to the mashed potatoes.
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December 23rd, 2008 at 12:47 am
How topical! I am just watching my backlog of World Destruction. So many animals, kuma. I am so tired of talking like this kuma. Why won’t they stop saying kuma, kuma?
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December 23rd, 2008 at 6:10 am
“I figured there’d be no harm in leaving the trunk open while I went inside.”
Yeah, totally not your fault.
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December 23rd, 2008 at 6:32 am
Yes, cats are fine. But most of the time they don’t like me.
Kurogane join us!
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December 23rd, 2008 at 8:48 am
this site is going doooooooooooooooooooooown hill…
But hey, garfield is an awesome cat…if all cats were just like him…we’d all be done for the day
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December 23rd, 2008 at 10:35 am
@issa-sa: That’s exactly the problem. Imaginary animals don’t do all the stupid shit real animals do.
@blissmo: Funny, I don’t like blissmo. /kidding
@Michael: Get thee to a nunnery.
@Joe: I’m betting on the Lions this week. Not money (that’d be crazy), just points on Yahoo. I missed the first two weeks and never caught up to the leaders so it’s not like I’ve got anything to lose.
@Epi: I agree, bear. Too many animals enslaving manking, bear. Crazy dragon bitch was pretty amusing though, bear.
@Nanashi-san: Yes. And if a woman walks around public without her trunk covered, it’s her fault if she gets raped.
@Rakuen: Are people still saying “a cat is fine too”? I feel like that meme is over 9000 years old. Am I doin’ it right?
@Laguna: My website has now been going downhill for 2 years and 7 months.
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December 23rd, 2008 at 11:13 am
finally, someone fucking shares my utter hatred for all pets. Fucking little bastards. All deserve to die and be consumed. Never met a worthwhile pet.
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December 24th, 2008 at 12:15 am
agreed. I love animals — freshly seared and on my plate, like God intended.
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December 24th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
What about squirrels? Where I go to school, some people eat them. Or they play squirrel tag, especially during the receptions for their inter-family marriages.
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December 28th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
I take it you’re not a member of PETA then…
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December 28th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
Gnarfard thinks cats are awesome :\
Cats save people from a burning building…
Cats follow people home
if I follow people home i’ll get a dose of pepper spray
Why the double standard?
on second thought, cats suck!
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December 28th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
More importantly, dude, what are the animes your screenshot are from ? Looks seriously awesome…
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December 31st, 2008 at 3:07 am
Wow, that really sucks. Still, I totally agree with you. Funny thing though, in the past, my grandma and I would go out and find some birds to place on a leash and to force it to eat raw rice. Afterward, she cooked it. Then we got another one and the same thing happened.
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January 6th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Man, I just remembered something.
If you haven’t seen this yet, prepare to be smitten by superb British humour:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGrQcQ9fWLc
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January 19th, 2009 at 10:34 am
I love cats, and they love me, but I agree about all over kinds of animals. Homo sapience too.
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March 7th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
[...] Strangely enough, I’ve been wondering how the dog ever met Kuro. And what it represents. In some perspectives, I feel that the dog might just be Kuro’s mother or Keita’s mother in the body of a dog. Then again, that would be weird. It’s always trying to eat all of Kuro’s food and has an appetite tantamount to that of Kuro. It really should be shot. I mean, if a dog were to lick you on the face, you would love it. But if I were to lick you on the face, you will issue a restraining order 3. Why the double standard? [...]
March 19th, 2009 at 2:19 am
Animals are okay but I am the lord of the insects…except for cockroaches. Like zombies they can not be controlled…
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June 20th, 2010 at 3:11 pm
I hate animals, especially dogs.
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August 17th, 2010 at 8:16 am
Wow…Seems like you have severe issues…First , animals , such as trees are making this world “livable” , it’s like for a receipe for let say a cake , u miss an ingredient? then you’re cake fails.
The bird didnt kiss u thank you…The cat didnt carved sorry on the box…Well , most of us , humans , tend to humanize animals , trying to give or see in them a reflect of our specy , but we’re wrong , animals have their way of intereacting , we have ours.
You hate animals…Tha’s sad to read something as stupid , aren’t you ,like me , like we , an animal afterall? On the otherside , I think they-animals-have much more reason hating us than we have hating them….See the world , the pollution , the wars , the misery , racism etc…It only is a human thing…I m talking on a specy level , human versus let say rats …Rats wont mutilate other rats for pleasure or force other rats to behave in a certain way , but we do , we don’t care , we use books to kill , we kill in the name of something we’ll never see , we steal the money we don’t have , we pollute oceans etc….It tomorrow the world die , it wont be because of pigeons shitting on statues or boars reproducing too fast , it will be because of us , who selfishly took the planet as a giant trashcan.So yeah , you’re right , keep hating animals , we’re far better than them…
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