No Receipt? No Return.

The day after Christmas is a magical time when people flock to stores to return all the crappy gifts they’ve received. Certain anime personalities would like to make returns as well…


Lelouch: Hello, I’d like to return this stupid-looking hat.

Baka-Raptor: Do you have a receipt?

Lelouch: No

Baka-Raptor: No receipt, no return.

Lelouch: Take it back – Lelouch vi Britannia commands you!

Baka-Raptor: That won’t work. I’ve already been Geassed once.

Lelouch: Can I at least get store credit?

Baka-Raptor: No, get lost.


Tsukasa: Hi, can I return my cell phone?

I’m told this scene is supposed to be funny

Baka-Raptor: Is it broken?

Tsukasa: No, I’m just too stupid and useless to know how to use it.

Baka-Raptor: Too bad.

Tsukasa: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Baka-Raptor: Get lost.


Kurenai: Hello, I’d like to return this Murasaki.

Baka-Raptor: All Murasakis must be returned directly to the manufacturer.

Kurenai: You mean her pedophilic incestual rapist family?

Baka-Raptor: Yes.

Kurenai: Sure, I see no problem with that. I’d also like to return my bone-sword.

Baka-Raptor: Why?

Kurenai: Having a retractable scythe grafted to your arm isn’t “true power.”

Baka-Raptor: Yes it is. Get lost.


The Other Kurenai: Hello, I’d like to return these birth-control pills.

Baka-Raptor: They didn’t work?

The Other Kurenai: Ordinary means of contraception are no match for Asuma’s potent seed.

Baka-Raptor: When did you buy them?

The Other Kurenai: Last month.

Baka-Raptor: Sorry, there’s a 30-day return limit.


Saji: Hello sir, I would like to return this tambourine.

Baka-Raptor: Why?

Saji: Krauser raped it.

Baka-Raptor: You idiot, that just makes it more valuab— I mean, yes, I’ll take it.

Saji: Yay! *does a geyyyy dance*


Random Soul Eater Character: Hello, I’d like to return this Excalibur.

Baka-Raptor: Not again…

Random Soul Eater Character: He’s so damn annoying.

Baka-Raptor: Just put him back where you found him.

Faeries: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo


Tite Kubo: Would it be possible to return this Dondochakka and Pesche? It has come to my attention that they are the shittiest characters in the history of anime.

Baka-Raptor: Why not kill them off? It’s all in my script.

Tite Kubo: Thanks!

Baka-Raptor: You’re welcome.


Sesshoumaru: Hello, I would like to return this Toukijin.

Baka-Raptor: What’s the matter?

Sesshoumaru: ¡Mi espada se rompió!

Baka-Raptor: You’ll have to take this claim over to Baja-Raptor over in the Spanish department.

Sesshoumaru: I was just there. He told me to come here.

Baka-Raptor: Sorry, only the Spanish department can handle this transaction.

Sesshoumaru: BUT I WAS JUST THERE!

Baka-Raptor: The rules are the rules.

Sesshoumaru: Dammit…


Shizuru: Hello, I would like to return this Nao.

Baka-Raptor: Have you used her?

Shizuru: Just once…

Baka-Raptor: Is she in her original packaging?

Shizuru: Possibly

Baka-Raptor: Do you have a receipt?

Shizuru: Yes

Baka-Raptor: Ok


Alicia: Hello!

Baka-Raptor: Why hello there.

Alicia: Ara ara! I would like to return this gondola!

Baka-Raptor: Is there a problem with it?

Alicia: No, but I won’t be needing it anymore now that I’m retired and getting married.

Baka-Raptor: You’re retired and getting married?! Get out!

Alicia: Ara ara, I’m serious!

Baka-Raptor: I’m serious too! Get out! *throws beer can at Alicia*

Athena: Excuse me, I’d like to return my gondola too.

Baka-Raptor: Didn’t you return yours last night?

Athena: Oh yeah


Kenshiro: Hello, I would like to return this flamethrower.

Baka-Raptor: What’s wrong with it?

Kenshiro: I have no need for it. Hokuto Shin Ken has been passed down for 2000 years. It is invincible.

Baka-Raptor: That doesn’t mean you can’t use a flamethrower once in a while. How about a 30-day trial? I’ll even throw in this gun for free!

Kenshiro: Sounds good.

31 people love sucking up to me

  1. Does anyone buy anything from this Baka-Raptor-R-Us? At this rate sounds like it has a pretty nice inventory …

    Or are you sold out? *rimshot*

    Anyway, I approve of your awesomeness.

  2. LJ: Wants to return the detective kit he received for Christmas (already has the deluxe version).

    Impz: Wants to return the ID card confirming he’s over 18.

    CCY: Wants to return half of each of his tl;dr posts.

    bakaneko: Return rejected. If there’s no Dondochakka or Pesche, it’s not as bad as Bleach.

    blissmo: Wants to return all the bloggers who defected to OH!

    Eroshiyda: Wants to return her heterosexuality after watching Strawberry Panic.

    Os: See Impz.

    Kairu: Return rejected. However, you may exchange it for one of equal or lesser value.

    Omisyth: Wants to return To Aru Majutsu No Index, Kuroshitsuji, and Jigoku Shoujo Mitsuganae. Wait, you were watching Kuroshitsuji? I didn’t know you were into gay butlers.

  3. @Eroshiyda: Score. Now I need to find a lesbian and a gay guy who read this site. I’ve already got straight guys, straight girls, pedophiles, closet gays (trap-lovers), asexuals, and now a bisexual. I have receipts for all of them. If only I could trade some of the pedophiles…

    @Joe: I’ll have to reject your return unless all potential alternative remedies have been exhausted. Have you tried suing the Lions? That’s what happened to the Bengals.

    @Gnarfard: I can return any time I want

    @Hoshi: How would you know that I’m not giving you a fake?

  4. I’ve been trying to snag you a bona fide gay reader for quite a while now, but he keeps getting distracted by Gravitation fanfics, lolcat macros, the notion that he doesn’t read awesome blogs, and, to be frank, shiny objects. Dead serious.
    I don’t suppose a pansexual and an antequarian anglophile will do in the meantime?

  5. I’d like to return this wooden star. An expert on the subject has assured me that it is, in fact, a wooden starfish.

  6. @Rakuen: Nao is 14. She’s the Happy Meal of lesbians in a box. How about someone a little older?

    @LJ: Geyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. I’m pretty sure I have an anglophile or two, and if I had to guess, Shin is a pansexual.

    @jcpenguin: I was planning to use that joke but returned it. It’s only fair to allow you to return it as well.

    @Merk: Wants to return the precious hours he spent watching Haruka Nogizaka’s Secret.

  7. @Baka: How about an exchange for equal value, then? I was thinking William Clay Ford, Sr. for a houseplant of some kind.

  8. @Aizen: Apparently Rakuen.

    @Rakuen: 16 on 14, that’s a close call. Her birthday is June 13. If you’re more than two years older, you’re probably a pedophile. Check your local laws to be sure.

    @lelangir: Wants to return his broken keyboard.

    @ghostlightning: Are you returning all three copies? If so, you’ll need the consent of the post’s co-owners.

    @Joe: Sure, but he’s not worth enough to throw in the flower pot and dirt for free.

    @usagijen: Wants to return her broken blogroll (it doesn’t include Baka-Raptor).

  9. Koyasu and Daisuke Gori have overplayed their wacky hijinks in the anime, but I aver that in the manga at least Pesche and Dondo do not suck.

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