No Receipt? No Return.

The day after Christmas is a magical time when people flock to stores to return all the crappy gifts they’ve received. Certain anime personalities would like to make returns as well…

Lelouch: Hello, I’d like to return this stupid-looking hat.

Baka-Raptor: Do you have a receipt?

Lelouch: No

Baka-Raptor: No receipt, no return.

Lelouch: Take it back – Lelouch vi Britannia commands you!

Baka-Raptor: That won’t work. I’ve already been Geassed once.

Lelouch: Can I at least get store credit?

Baka-Raptor: No, get lost.

Tsukasa: Hi, can I return my cell phone?

I’m told this scene is supposed to be funny

Baka-Raptor: Is it broken?

Tsukasa: No, I’m just too stupid and useless to know how to use it.

Baka-Raptor: Too bad.

Tsukasa: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Baka-Raptor: Get lost.

Kurenai: Hello, I’d like to return this Murasaki.

Baka-Raptor: All Murasakis must be returned directly to the manufacturer.

Kurenai: You mean her pedophilic incestual rapist family?

Baka-Raptor: Yes.

Kurenai: Sure, I see no problem with that. I’d also like to return my bone-sword.

Baka-Raptor: Why?

Kurenai: Having a retractable scythe grafted to your arm isn’t “true power.”

Baka-Raptor: Yes it is. Get lost.

The Other Kurenai: Hello, I’d like to return these birth-control pills.

Baka-Raptor: They didn’t work?

The Other Kurenai: Ordinary means of contraception are no match for Asuma’s potent seed.

Baka-Raptor: When did you buy them?

The Other Kurenai: Last month.

Baka-Raptor: Sorry, there’s a 30-day return limit.

Saji: Hello sir, I would like to return this tambourine.

Baka-Raptor: Why?

Saji: Krauser raped it.

Baka-Raptor: You idiot, that just makes it more valuab— I mean, yes, I’ll take it.

Saji: Yay! *does a geyyyy dance*

Random Soul Eater Character: Hello, I’d like to return this Excalibur.

Baka-Raptor: Not again…

Random Soul Eater Character: He’s so damn annoying.

Baka-Raptor: Just put him back where you found him.

Faeries: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Tite Kubo: Would it be possible to return this Dondochakka and Pesche? It has come to my attention that they are the shittiest characters in the history of anime.

Baka-Raptor: Why not kill them off? It’s all in my script.

Tite Kubo: Thanks!

Baka-Raptor: You’re welcome.

Sesshoumaru: Hello, I would like to return this Toukijin.

Baka-Raptor: What’s the matter?

Sesshoumaru: ¡Mi espada se rompió!

Baka-Raptor: You’ll have to take this claim over to Baja-Raptor over in the Spanish department.

Sesshoumaru: I was just there. He told me to come here.

Baka-Raptor: Sorry, only the Spanish department can handle this transaction.

Sesshoumaru: BUT I WAS JUST THERE!

Baka-Raptor: The rules are the rules.

Sesshoumaru: Dammit…

Shizuru: Hello, I would like to return this Nao.

Baka-Raptor: Have you used her?

Shizuru: Just once…

Baka-Raptor: Is she in her original packaging?

Shizuru: Possibly

Baka-Raptor: Do you have a receipt?

Shizuru: Yes

Baka-Raptor: Ok

Alicia: Hello!

Baka-Raptor: Why hello there.

Alicia: Ara ara! I would like to return this gondola!

Baka-Raptor: Is there a problem with it?

Alicia: No, but I won’t be needing it anymore now that I’m retired and getting married.

Baka-Raptor: You’re retired and getting married?! Get out!

Alicia: Ara ara, I’m serious!

Baka-Raptor: I’m serious too! Get out! *throws beer can at Alicia*

Athena: Excuse me, I’d like to return my gondola too.

Baka-Raptor: Didn’t you return yours last night?

Athena: Oh yeah

Kenshiro: Hello, I would like to return this flamethrower.

Baka-Raptor: What’s wrong with it?

Kenshiro: I have no need for it. Hokuto Shin Ken has been passed down for 2000 years. It is invincible.

Baka-Raptor: That doesn’t mean you can’t use a flamethrower once in a while. How about a 30-day trial? I’ll even throw in this gun for free!

Kenshiro: Sounds good.

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31 people love sucking up to me

  1. LJ says:

    Prepare yourself for the deluge of stupid questions inevitable when mixing the companies of awesome and shit.

  2. Impz says:

    No nyoro? oh well.

  3. CCY says:

    Does anyone buy anything from this Baka-Raptor-R-Us? At this rate sounds like it has a pretty nice inventory …

    Or are you sold out? *rimshot*

    Anyway, I approve of your awesomeness.

  4. bakaneko says:

    Baka-Raptor, I like to return this episode 11 of Chaos;Head. I was expecting a Higurashi ending but got Bleach instead.


    Oh, receipt? Yes, I have it in the form of a dot-torrent file.

  5. blissmo says:

    You sure sold a lot of crap since they all want to return it XD

  6. Eroshiyda says:

    Baka-Raptor, I’d like to return the anime series you recommended, Strawberry Panic… oh wait, it rules. Never mind, then.

  7. Os says:

    Did any anime return my youth? I kinda want it back nao…

  8. I would like to return this Akikan which has a very ugly girl inside and is not Melon.
    I have a receipt. 😀

  9. Omisyth says:

    You should really have some sort of screening process for these people.

  10. Baka-Raptor says:

    LJ: Wants to return the detective kit he received for Christmas (already has the deluxe version).

    Impz: Wants to return the ID card confirming he’s over 18.

    CCY: Wants to return half of each of his tl;dr posts.

    bakaneko: Return rejected. If there’s no Dondochakka or Pesche, it’s not as bad as Bleach.

    blissmo: Wants to return all the bloggers who defected to OH!

    Eroshiyda: Wants to return her heterosexuality after watching Strawberry Panic.

    Os: See Impz.

    Kairu: Return rejected. However, you may exchange it for one of equal or lesser value.

    Omisyth: Wants to return To Aru Majutsu No Index, Kuroshitsuji, and Jigoku Shoujo Mitsuganae. Wait, you were watching Kuroshitsuji? I didn’t know you were into gay butlers.

  11. Eroshiyda says:

    @Baka-Raptor: I’m actually bisexual, so all I returned after watching Strawberry Panic was my boyfriend.

  12. Joe says:

    @Baka: I would like to return one Detroit Lions team, reason: Defective Merchandise.

  13. @baka:

    baka: hey gnarfard what’s up
    gnarfard: mang I wish I had wordpress
    baka: don’t worry I wish I had an HTML layout
    gnarfard: do you have a receipt?
    baka: no
    gnarfard: sorry no returns haha!
    baka: damnit!


  14. @Baka-raptor: Oh wtf. Ill get lost now.

  15. Hoshi says:

    Can I get the tambourine for my belated Christmas present? 😛

  16. Baka-Raptor says:

    @Eroshiyda: Score. Now I need to find a lesbian and a gay guy who read this site. I’ve already got straight guys, straight girls, pedophiles, closet gays (trap-lovers), asexuals, and now a bisexual. I have receipts for all of them. If only I could trade some of the pedophiles…

    @Joe: I’ll have to reject your return unless all potential alternative remedies have been exhausted. Have you tried suing the Lions? That’s what happened to the Bengals.

    @Gnarfard: I can return any time I want

    @Hoshi: How would you know that I’m not giving you a fake?

  17. Rakuen says:

    Can I buy that Nao? No apparent reason. She’s just sexy that way— tied up in a box.

  18. LJ says:

    I’ve been trying to snag you a bona fide gay reader for quite a while now, but he keeps getting distracted by Gravitation fanfics, lolcat macros, the notion that he doesn’t read awesome blogs, and, to be frank, shiny objects. Dead serious.
    I don’t suppose a pansexual and an antequarian anglophile will do in the meantime?

  19. jcpenguin says:

    I’d like to return this wooden star. An expert on the subject has assured me that it is, in fact, a wooden starfish.

  20. Merk says:

    Quality post.

  21. Baka-Raptor says:

    @Rakuen: Nao is 14. She’s the Happy Meal of lesbians in a box. How about someone a little older?

    @LJ: Geyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. I’m pretty sure I have an anglophile or two, and if I had to guess, Shin is a pansexual.

    @jcpenguin: I was planning to use that joke but returned it. It’s only fair to allow you to return it as well.

    @Merk: Wants to return the precious hours he spent watching Haruka Nogizaka’s Secret.

  22. Aizen says:

    Hahaha; genius. “used Nao” Who’d want that? :[

  23. Rakuen says:

    @Baka-Raptor: Oh god, Nao’s 14? Perfect!

    It’s ok since I’m 16, which kinda makes me a young lolicon?

    @Aizen: I’d love to.

  24. lelangir says:


    that 2nd video….yeah….

    epic post.

  25. I want to return this post. Shouldn’t have ended the year that way.

  26. Joe says:

    @Baka: How about an exchange for equal value, then? I was thinking William Clay Ford, Sr. for a houseplant of some kind.

  27. usagijen says:

    I don’t think anything I say will ever justify the epicness of this post. Made of PURE WIN.

  28. Baka-Raptor says:

    @Aizen: Apparently Rakuen.

    @Rakuen: 16 on 14, that’s a close call. Her birthday is June 13. If you’re more than two years older, you’re probably a pedophile. Check your local laws to be sure.

    @lelangir: Wants to return his broken keyboard.

    @ghostlightning: Are you returning all three copies? If so, you’ll need the consent of the post’s co-owners.

    @Joe: Sure, but he’s not worth enough to throw in the flower pot and dirt for free.

    @usagijen: Wants to return her broken blogroll (it doesn’t include Baka-Raptor).

  29. Rakuen says:

    @Baka-Raptor: NOOOOO!!!!!

  30. Daisekihan says:

    Koyasu and Daisuke Gori have overplayed their wacky hijinks in the anime, but I aver that in the manga at least Pesche and Dondo do not suck.

  31. JayZeroSnake says:

    LOL. Kenshiro uses flamethrowers and guns?! Damn! Which episode…

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