Anime/Life Advice Mailbag #1: Burning Bridges

The following emails are real and completely unedited, except the parts I very obviously edited.

Dear Baka-Raptor.

Ill skip the sucking up to you and get right to the point:

Why the rush?

Question A

While I was at work of of my female colleagues,lets call her Hot Lesbian A Natsuki, was talking to our receptionist Hot Lesbian B Shizuru about her recent shopping trip for underwear.She was really excited about the cheetah patterened panties she planned touse that evening.

I am now accepting applications for a Photoshop slave

I beeing the Gentleman I am couldnt overhear her pantie story and told her like any gentleman would: Cheetah Pattern is Porno
I didnt know that this would trigger a chain reaction and turn her into a formerly self-confident Hot Lesbian that questioned her fashion sense.
I know that Raptors are extremly fashionable,especially in the underpant department, and would like to know if a Cheetah patterend pantie worn by Hot Lesbian A
Natsuki is still porno or due to factor X (Lesbian) the shiznat.

This is indeed a true story out of my Life and thats how I spend my worktime instead of doing real work.

Wait, let me get this straight: you ruined a hot lesbian’s self-confidence, but instead of asking me how to help her regain her confidence, you want me to verify the truth very assertion that crushed her? You are the worst person in the world.

I should probably try to be helpful to encourage more email. Excuse me for a moment.

3 seconds later…

A quick Google image search leads me to believe that cheetah panties may very well be pornographic. Excuse me for another moment.

3 seconds later…

Another quick Google image  search leads me to believe that panties in general may very well be pornographic. Excuse me for another moment.

3 seconds later…

Another quick Google image search leads me to believe that lesbians, with or without panties, may very well be pornographic. In conclusion, anything can be porno. You’ve been jumping to pornographic conclusions because you’ve only seen these things in porn (cheetah panties, regular panties, lesbians, etc…). In reality, lesbians do a lot more than filming themselves having sex. Here’s something you need to know: women love nothing more than looking at themselves wearing stupid clothes. They’ll get excited over wearing kinky lingerie without realizing the pornographic implications thereof. Alternatively, who knows, there could be any number of plausible non-pornographic reasons to wear cheetah panties. For example, maybe she needed to wear cheetah panties to perform some tribal ritual to ward off evil spirits.

Long story short, cheetah panties are porno to us but not to them.

Question B

I recently read that the male Gintama cast ranked pretty high in a my groom survey.conducted among young japanese women (link). Considering the fact that they are all assholes with different mental disorders are they just going for the looks or are they all sluts?


They couldn’t be going for the looks; otherwise Golgo 13 would’ve won.

No Golgo, no Onizuka, not even a Hosaka. Unbelievable. Of the guys who did make the list, I approve of Date Masamune and possibly Ichigo. As I don’t know who most of the other characters are, I can only assume they’re from some yaoi manga.

I’m not at all surprised that girls would find a bunch of assholes attractive. Here’s a quick recap in case you missed my earlier post:

  • Assholes push around nice guys and take their food
  • Girls who like assholes have plenty to eat
  • Girls who like nice guys starve

It’s basic sociobiology—or so I thought until I noticed that nobody from the Auron High School Host Club made it. I was shocked. Rich guys can buy women all the cake they want, which women find infinitely more satisfying than heterosexual sex.

Onto the next email:

Ok, I’m going to have an ass-hat life question and a non-ass-hat life question so you can choose which one to respond to. I’d personally prefer you answer the ass-hat one, but will understand if you’d rather not be privy to my foolishness and clear attempt at kindergarten-level humor.

Ass-hat Life Question:

I’m madly, madly in love with an aniblogger, but can’t help but be mean to said blogger when the opportunity arises (in my defense, I’m pretty abrasive to everyone alive, so I’m not just being acidic exclusively to said blogger). I also don’t think I’ll ever meet them. What on earth can I do?

You’re in love with an anime blogger? You are beyond help. Also, you are so tsundere for me said blogger that you conspicuously left out the “Dear Baka-Raptor.”

Fine, I’ll give you a serious answer to your serious question.

Non-ass-hat- Life Question:

I recently had a final argument with a long-time friend who has caused me fairly endless grief since high school. I felt completely and utterly refreshed after walking away from the friendship, complete with deleting their number from my phone book, deleting their emails from my inbox, etc. – it was kind of like a really bad break-up! But now I’ve now got a wee bit of a problem on my hands – I really enjoy talking to former friend’s parents. I’ll admit this probably seems a tad weird, but they are, quite honestly, the nicest people I’ve ever known and I like being able to talk to them and ask them for advice on things, since they can give me solid advice, and it won’t cause an argument like it would with my own parents. But my former friend still lives at home with them… how the fuck do I navigate this shit now?

When you’re finalizing a breakup, you’re burning a bridge (otherwise it’s not final). Anyone you could only reach by crossing that bridge is now off limits.

Here’s the key question: is there a way to reach your ex-friend’s parents without having to cross your ex-friend? Since they’re living in the same house, it would be very difficult, though perhaps not impossible. Here a few suggestions:

1. Get your ex-friend to move out

Find him/her a job, get him/her an out-of-state boyfriend/girlfriend, kidnap him/her, etc…

2. Stalk your ex-friend’s parents

Is there a restaurant they like going to by themselves? Become a waitress there. Do they have a favorite auto repair shop? Get a job there, then bash their car in the middle of the night. The possibilities are endless.

3. Trip to Hawaii

If you’re really desperate, send the parents two free tickets to Hawaii. Then show up in Hawaii “coincidentally.” Alternatively, if you’re cheap, you could send your ex-friend to Hawaii and then chill with his/her parents at home. Sure, a free trip might please someone you’d rather see in crushing despair, but hey, the plane could crash.

If you’re not willing to do any of the above, just get over them and move on. There are plenty of great people in the world (I don’t actually believe this, but most people do). I’m sure somewhere out there you can find someone who can give you solid advice . . .*cough*

Anime Question:

If you I could fight any anime character, who would it be and why? (question edited to be in advice form)

I hope you know that by ‘ass-hat’ I mean ‘I’m kidding’.

– A Day Without Me

Beating up a character you hate is always satisfying. On the other hand, if you’re looking to fight for the sheer corporeal pleasure of going all out on a worthy opponent, I recommend Kazuma from Scryed. I can’t think of anyone who’d be more fun to fight.

Any comment from a non-asker must include advice for at least one of the above questions. Any comment that does not will be censored.

13 people love sucking up to me

  1. @ Question B dude

    What the…

    My advice is that you reassess who you consider an asshole, because Gintoki, Hijikata, and Sougo are men of good character. When have they not risen to the occasion? They kick ass, act like adults (in an anime!), and are at times incredibly lazy (which is awesome). Mental disorders? Is any type of personality quirk bad to you? That would make you rather dull. A few distinguishing and rare traits go a long way to making you more interesting to those around you (including women).

    What makes them assholes to you? I’ve seen no evidence of that. If any sort of disagreeableness is considered asshole-ish to you, then you’re being too meek and timid with women. If not, then please provide a reason as to why you’re dissing two of baka-raptor’s favorite characters (he doesn’t know this yet, but after reading his favorite character post, I can say that potentially all three will make it on there once he watches the show).

    Sorry if I came off as too abrasive with my response. But seriously, wtf man?

  2. @natsuneko: Your comment has been deleted on grounds of irrelevance. If you want some hanky panky “I am a dumbass who can’t follow the rules” censorship, at least type a comment that’s more than one word.

    @Michael|LoHP: I’ve been meaning to watch Gintama. My shonen slot is currently occupied with One Piece, which I’m giving a third and final chance. If I give up on it again, Gintama’s up.

  3. also @ “question B Dude” : I haven’t seen GIntama so i cant comment on the assholeness of the characters. What grabbed my attention was the bride survey. F******G MIO! I’m tempted to watch K- ON just to find out what the hype is about even though my moé tolerance level hit its boiling point. And no, I dont think all Japanese women are sluts…although judging from these lists I am sure most Japanese anime fans are indeed pedophiles. @A Day Without Me: Its ok i think we’re all tsundere for Baka-Raptor

  4. @Question A:

    Women are weird creatures. Either straight, lesbian, bitches or even those that pretend that don’t like sex, they’re all particularly sensitive when it comes to critique from a man. It’s completely alien for them to receive comments from a guy in something they’re interested in and it never comes without consequence when you screw up with what you say.

    Having actual female friends is harder than watching a boring-as-shit slice of life anime as you bite your tongue attempting to leave for greener pastures and the deceased hentai that has yet to be born due to lunatic Japanese cults.

  5. @2nd sender on Question A:

    You could pretend that your ex-friend isn’t there– like how Doumeki does it, then have some great time with the parents. Then, if ex-friend starts to get to your nerves, ask ex-friend to cook you a roast leg of lamb and not listen to any bullshit bawling.

    Or ask the parents to kick their kid out. Maybe your ex-friend’s already bugging his/her parents, and they’re already fucking fed off with it.

  6. @ Question B
    Loving dudes with mental disorders don’t make women sluts!!! Oh that bashing on Gintama characters . . Pfft! You’re just jealous! Mwahahaha!

    @ Ass-hat Life Question:
    If you still can’t find the courage to say it already when the opportunity comes for a very very long time and go emo/angsty about it for not being able to do so like what you’re saying in that mail. GIVE UP.

    @ Non-ass-hat- Life Question:
    Pretend that your ex-friend is invisible. If that person doesn’t let you see his/her parents, prepare a deadly weapon and threaten him/her if he/she doesn’t let you inside the house. If he/she doesn’t want to die, then he’ll/she’ll let you in the house and meet the parents you like with no problems. He’ll/she’ll hide himself/herself for you =)

    @ Anime Question:
    It’s most fun to fight with the character you are certain you are going to win. It sucks to lose in a battle.
    Baka-raptor has a nice suggestion (beating those you hate). But when it comes to characters you hate, it’s more enjoyable to torture/abuse them, not just fight/defeat/beat them.

  7. @thekungfukid: In conclusion, the surveyed girls are shallow for liking Gintama characters and the surveyed guys are shallow for liking Mio.

    @Zantetsu: Back in college I toyed with the notion of having female friends. They were all girls my roommates were attracted to but too scared to ask out. As such, I had no choice but to tolerate them. There’s always something nice about hanging around people who like you, but aside from that, they were boring as shit (then again, that’s how I feel about most males). Here’s how the friendships ended. Girl #1: I forgot her birthday. Girl #2: I pushed her off my bed (top bunk) after she tried climbing on it for some reason. She hurt her knee.

    @Omisyth: It’s anonymous in terms of leaving out real names. An oline names will be used if they appear in the body of the email, unless of course I’m requested not to use it. The first email didn’t put his online name in the body of the email, so it remains anonymous.

    @Rakuen: DAMNIT! For some reason I had a really hard time thinking of a likeable parent with an unlikeable child. Now it occurs to me that Watanuki feels that way about Doumeki & Doumeki’s grandfather.

    @Sapphire Pyro: True, death would be too easy an escape from the punishment a truly hated character deserves.

  8. Dang! I should have picked better questions…I didnt expect my mail to make it through the hundreds of mails send daily to you…Okay errrmm…To be honest I chose the Gintama Question cause I had to include an Anime Question.
    In fact I do love Gintama and its characters and probably the term Assholes was a bit strong (well except for Okita)

    The Gintama maincast may be good and honest men when the plot needs them to be but that doesnt change the fact that they are rather irresponsible slackers most of the time and treat alot people like shit (well except for Hijikata,he just has a Mayo Problem).I do know that this attitude is for the comedic effect of the series and the humor that derivates from their antics is what I love about the series but still I cant see whats attractive about them?Sure they rise and shine from time to time in the Shounen Arcs but thats imho once again for the comedic effect.

    But lets take a look at the list:
    Okita(the sadist) at #5
    Hijikata(the good guy with the mayo problem) at #10

    Out of the whole cast Id say that Hiikata is the pretty boy so it cant be the looks the girls chose.The fact that Gintoki whos considered to be ugly is at #2 proves this thesis.So did they go for character?
    Why the hell does the most honest guy (Hijikata) once again end up last then?
    Girls like Slackers (Gintoki) or Sadistic Assholes (Okita) more?

    Okay…Thats my answer for a question I pulled out of my you know what when I wrote that mail.
    Its late over here and I need to head to bed.Ill be glad to answer more stuff tomorrow.

    And once again :Gintama is good stuff but theres no husband material among the cast imo

  9. Uwaa~ I thought it was supposed to be anonymous! How mean~!

    @ Question B – They’re 2-D, fictitious characters… so the ass-hole factor is kind of neither here nor there. That’s the only way I can explain it. Maybe they’re easy to slash? I don’t know, I don’t watch Gintama.

    Anyway, I have to go flirt with a PFC now so I can get over my SECRET BLOGGER CRUSH/get my ass (and other body parts) Article 15’d.

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