Anime/Life Advice Mailbag #2: The Beer-Quiche Game

The following emails are real and completely unedited, except the parts I very obviously edited.

Hello Baka-Raptor,

Question A (Anime):
Let’s say that Negishi from DMC became a pussy again and stopped being Krauser. Later, you were
I was assigned the task to devour him and become Krauser. As we all know, dinosaurs I have the ability to become the thing they I eat and even assimilate their personalities. So after you I finally eat Negishi and transformed into Krauser, you were I was given the task to show how demonic you are I am by going into 10 Anime charactre’s home and raping them up the butt and if they’re a women, also up the vagina. What 10 Anime characters would you should I barge into to rape to become your my sex slave? (Question edited to be in advice format)

Piece of cake:

Jody “Blue Eyes” Hayward is so hot that she belongs in the upper-left quadrant of an H-R diagram. Instead, she got stuck in the worst lesbian anime I’ve ever seen.

Takano Miyo satisfies the nurse requirement, the yandere requirement, and the cheetah print requirement. Plus she sleeps naked.

Combat Instructor Allean is the only character who wasn’t gratuitously stripped in the first season of Queen’s Blade. I know you’re raping to show how demonic you are, but once in a while it’s ok to rape in the name of justice.

Selvaria Bles is 100% obedient and 200% stacked.

Rosa Ushiromiya‘s child-rearing is the most arousing thing I’ve seen this season.

Kiyone Makibi takes out all her frustration in bed.

Yamanaka Sawako will rape you if you don’t rape her first (unless you come across her during the 95% of the K-ON she spends being a useless pedophile).

Halibel must not be raped until she kills Hitsugaya. Afterwards you may search for her not-yet-revealed hollow hole.

Fubuki is a maid. Everybody ought to have a maid.

Rider is good.

I recommended these 10 characters under the assumption that you’re a male. If you’re a female, feel free to replace any of the above characters with Shizuru.

Question L (Life):
So at school, I had to do this project where me and a partner had to do a skit. Blatantly put, my partner was a girl.

Wow, that was blatant.

Let’s call her Miya. Miya acted like one of those pussies who are shy like in Anime, but I knew that deep down every women are shrews. So pretty much for the first two to three days we were talking about what quote to use for the skit. To me, these talks were just talks. To Miya, it was an argument to see who has the better quote. So on the fourth day, she went into shrew mode and well, didn’t want to do any team work. Every time I tried to talk to her she went into “sad” mode or angry mode. Sad mode included fake-crying. When she was talking to someone else, though, she was perfectly fine – no sadness or anger. She was happy to talk with others, really.

What would a dinosaur do to better the tensions? As for me, I had to agree to everything Miya said so that the “shrew mode” would appear less frequently, but still appear. Didn’t work out well, really. Joking around didn’t help either. Hell, I almost felt like not being a nice guy.

Do you live in a country where four male witnesses are required to prove a man guilty of rape? If so, the solution is pretty simple. Remember, it’s not wrong if it’s legal. However, I’m guessing you’ve already considered that and wrote to me because you can’t get away it, or she’s ugly. In such cases you must resort to mathematical rape: Game Theory. Your problem reminds me of the Beer-Quiche Game (but to continue with the DMC theme we’ll call it the Beer-Cheese Tart Game).

In the Beer-Cheese Tart Game, there are two types of men: strong men (Krauser) and weak men (Negishi). Most strong men like beer, and most weak men like cheese tarts. Women love to quarrel with weak men but hate to quarrel with strong men, so before a woman decides to quarrel, she checks out what a man has with his lunch. If the man is drinking beer, the woman will probably think he’s strong. If the man is eating a cheese tart, the woman will probably think he’s weak. This may lead weak men to drink beer, even if they hate it, to avoid quarreling.

Miya pretended to be shy at first because she was trying to determine whether you’re strong or weak. Somewhere along the line you screwed up and ate the metaphorical cheese tart. You now face an uphill battle to reassert your manhood. The only way a man can win the Beer-Cheese Tart game is by convincing the woman that he’s strong. First thing tomorrow morning, punch Miya in the back of the head.

No more Mr. Nice Guy. Make it clear to Miya that you won’t take her shit anymore. When she fights, fight back so hard that she regrets it; don’t reward her by giving in. If that doesn’t work (because you screwed up, not because it’s bad advice), tell her you read Baka-Raptor.com. She’ll immediately know her place.


Dear Onani Master Baka-Raptor

Life question first (although anime is life): A bunch of seniors at my workplace took a bunch of us out to lunch to celebrate a co-worker’s upcoming wedding. Everyone got a beer except me. I chose not to drink any beer because because alcohol carries the distinct taste of fermented pedophilia. Instead, I carefully considered the menu and ordered what appeared to be the tastiest drink: a strawberry milkshake. It was delicious. My only regret is that many of my seniors seemed disappointed in my selection. Bearing in mind that I’m only an intern and need to win my seniors’ approval to get a full-time job offer, should I have gone with the beer?

While Goku would agree that many drinks are superior in taste to alcohol, it’s also true that the lunch was to celebrate your co-worker’s upcoming wedding. Did he seem to mind your choice of beverage? If so, you should’ve sucked it up and gone with the beer. If not, you’re free to drink whatever the hell you want. Live your life untamed.

I’m reminded of the Beer-Quiche Game (but for the sake of continuity, let’s call it the Beer-Strawberry Milkshake Game). There are two types of men, strong and weak, and there are two types of drinks, beer and strawberry milkshakes. The drink a man chooses is a signal of his strength. However, it is not determinative of his strength, as some strong men do prefer strawberries.

Whereas a weak man would get the beer to avoid conflict, the occasional strong man who likes strawberry milkshakes would get the strawberry milkshake knowing he’s tough enough to handle the ensuing conflict. I’m sure your seniors were impressed with the ballsiness it took to order a strawberry milkshake when you could’ve ordered a much less conspicuous non-alcoholic drink. In any case, a company that won’t hire you based on your beverage preference isn’t a place you want to work.

Anime question:

There are several series I’ve been meaning to rewatch for a long time. However, there’s so much anime I haven’t seen that I always end up picking a new series over a personal classic, no matter how much the new series may suck in comparison. Under what circumstances should I rewatch a classic at the expense of broadening my horizons and possibly discovering a new favorite?

Yours Truly,

Baka-Raptor

Well, Baka-Raptor, you’ve got a serious problem on your hands. For now, just keep watching the new stuff. Eventually you’ll get fed up with the current state of anime and long for the good old days. Then you’ll go back to the good old days, realize they weren’t so great, and return to watching crappy new stuff. You might not enjoy it, but at least watching anime in cycles of bitterness and dissatisfaction will give you plenty to write about.

Any comment from a non-asker must include advice for at least one of the above questions. Any comment that does not will be censored.

Tags: , , ,

23 people love sucking up to me

  1. Praz says:

    @ the first guy, life question: The mistake you made here is that you tried being a nice guy. Now, being a nice guy and being a pussy are not mutually inclusive (I consider myself a very nice guy). The problem is, women dont see the difference and will immediately use shrew-mode on anyone who exercises some form of social grace. And once niceness is mistaken for weakness, you need to put the bitch down.

    Recently, I was travelling in South America with a group of strangers. There were only 2 other guys with me, and about 4-5 other girls. Most of the girls (ie the South American girls) were not shrews. However, there were 2 who gave the word ‘shrew’ a good name, and happened to be classmates of my 2 guy friends, who had put up with their crap for 3 yrs, thus giving them the impression that they could say and act as they damn well pleased. We sat down to eat, when they (being women) showed up late. They then proceeded to whine about how we didnt wait for them like ‘gentlemen’, even though they asked us to go and told us theyd catch up with us. Immediately, my anti-PC bullshit detector went off. I wasnt gonna sit there and listen to this crap, even if my friends were brushing it off in a non-confrontational pussy-like manner. As they sat in horror and (unsuccessfully) tried to cut me off and change the subject, I proceeded to deliver my uncensored, unabridged treatise on why any woman who wishes to be ‘treated like a lady’ should first revoke their rights to vote, work, and drive a car, amongst other things.

    Being the ‘open-minded, progressive women’ that they were, they proceeded to address my differing point of view in a ‘civil’ manner, by yelling at me incoherently at the top of their lungs without giving me a chance to give any form of counter argument. Did I sit there and take it like a pussy? Hell no! I yelled back, but not after laughing at them (which was probably even more of an ego bruiser). Did I care that I was in a foreign country and giving ‘Americans’ a bad rep? Did I care that the manager had to raise the volume of the TV to drown out my (our) screams? Not a chance. Not only did I not back down and 1-up them at that instant, but I used every opportunity possible for the remainder of our trip to rub their feminist propaganda in their face. I was later praised by my male comrades as a hero.

    The moral of the story: I like strawberries. I like quiche. I eat both on a regular basis. But I can chug a beer like a pro if I need to. And any dumb feminist bitch who decides to test this and put a glass in front of me is going to find that out the hard way. I suggest you do the same. And if you cant chug, I suggest you start building up your tolerance and practice.

  2. I stopped reading at Fubuki. I want my own Fubuki. GO AHEAD AND CENSOR ME, FOR FUBUKI IT’S WORTH IT!!!

    @Question A: I’d go with most of Baka-Raptor’s suggestions, but get rid of that ugly maid. I want Kogarashi.

  3. TheBigN says:

    Enjoyed the last question, as I’m in that situation myself. However, I think it might take a good long while for me to get pissed off with the state of anime.

    Enjoyed the last question, as I’m in that situation myself. However, I think it might take a good long while for me to get pissed off with the state of anime. I suggest quitting your job. Then you’ll have more time to watch old anime. 😛

  4. @ The Strawberry Milk vs Beer Question:

    Personally, I love a good strawberry milk shake. However, you have to be sure that you know and understand the Truth of Strawberry Milk.

    Next time you are invited to go out with you seniors, I suggest that you down an entire bottle of Jack. Oh wait, that apparently makes you look like a huge fag. Instead, just order a strawberry milkshake again, and if they give you a hard time or throw any questionable looks your way, tell them you get deathly sick when drinking alcoholic beverages (I know someone like this). Then make them feel shitty for ever judging you. Let them know that you’ve always wanted to try beer, or liquor, but were never able to because of your medical condition (which is made up, but they don’t know that), and that this has caused you many many hardships, such as constant ridicule from peers, which you have struggled through and overcome with the strength of a real man. Then enjoy your strawberry milkshake, and let them pay for it.

    Also, The Rapeman looks really fucking funny. I might read it. Always remember, rape and/or violence is always a good way to solve problems.

  5. Hmm, for the Strawberry Milkshake section:

    This is easy – stick with your milkshake. If they question your action, come up with a good reason for not drinking beer that is fairly ironclad, so make it into a moral choice on your part. Then bask in the admiration of your colleagues, as they comment on how truly manly it makes you to abstain from something so enjoyable. I know a shit-ton of teetotalers, and basically everyone just tells them they’re so badass and cool for not drinking (the exception are dumbass fratboys who couldn’t get hired for a job anyway).

    As for the second, just hit up the stuff you know you love – you’re watching anime for yourself, after all, not for the benefit of others, so if watching Magical Girl Pretty Sammy eighty times makes you happy, go for it.

    Also – the fact that you had to make your own questions… should I take that as evidence that your mailbag has been a wee lacking?

  6. animekritik says:

    Start with the strawberry milkshake. Tell them it’s a good opener. Then chase it down with beer. Lots of it. Be unruly. If you vomit, if you say something indecent, if you grope, it’s all their fault anyway.

  7. @ #1 on anime

    WTF!? Show off your manly side and make them ravage you!

    @ #1 on life

    Don’t take anyone else’s shit. Ever. You tried being nice. It failed. Time to be an asshole. You have to handle your business and get this work done right.

    @ #2 on life

    F*** corporate life. In your free time, build a start-up and turn it into an empire. Leave behind all this office politics nonsense. Sounds hard? Well, it is! I haven’t figured it out yet, but I’ll never give up. And screw beer! It tastes terrible. Strawberry Milkshake all the way!

    @ #2 on anime

    Simple answer: stop having a life. Once you’ve got that pesky “real world” out of your way, you’ll have enough time to watch both new series and ones you’ve already seen. You’ll have time to blog everyday and maybe even fix those links in the comments (especially that “Truth of Strawberry Milk” one).

    The Truth About Strawberry Milk

    Damn, I’m fired up this time! Gintoki’s energy from that YouTube clip got me going!

  8. Omisyth says:

    @asker1
    Completely ignore everything she says and do what you want with the project. This is assuming you know what you’re doing. It’ll turn out to ways: either she reverts to being shy again, in which case you’ve asserted your dominance, or she continues to be a “shrew” in which case since your doing the entire project yourself, she’ll have nothing to contribute come crunchtime and look like a fool. It’s a win-win situation.

  9. @Anime question #1
    Easily Saeko Busujima. She can count for all 10
    […]Best character ever. If I had to make a dream girl this would most likely be it. […]

    @ life question #2
    Beer taste horrible. I can never drink enough to get the effects. You should have definitely gone for the milkshake. On another note. what restaurant serves both milkshakes and beer?

  10. otou-san says:

    Dear second pussy and third pussy,

    You have made the wrong decision, but all isn’t lost. In both cases, confusion is your best answer. Whether it’s the proverbial or literal beer, your only option now is to wash down your quiche with the largest, strongest beer you can find, thus throwing the beer-quiche scale off.

    Here’s the scenario:

    Miyo: “OMG he really ate that (metaphorical) quiche, proving that I can take advantage of him. But wait! Can I really? He’s obviously too manly to be walked on by the likes of me. Now I’m confused, and my next logical step is arousal!”

    Coworkers: “What is that guy doing? He just followed a strawberry milkshake with a Guinness! He’s a madman! Don’t fire his ass, he’ll come back and shoot up the joint.”

  11. moridin84 says:

    @ #1 on life

    The problem is you feel you ‘need’ to talk to her. As long as you feel the need to talk to her, she can use the ‘don’t talk’ card to push you around. Best thing to do is either do the project yourself or let her do it, depending on who’s the most competent.

    Remember, you’re equals so there should be no reason why she was power over you.

    @ #2 on life

    I’m pretty sure you aren’t going to get hired based on what you drink so don’t worry about it.

  12. On second thought, you could just do what I used to as a young delinquent and whip out your flask to dump gin in your milkshake. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t question you after that.

  13. Baka-Raptor says:

    @Praz: That’s the least pedophilic story I’ve ever heard about South America.

    @Glo the Legend: I saw the two OVA episodes of The Rapeman. It’s heartwarming. He rapes a girl to teach her that manly men are superior to pretty boys. Then he rapes a thief to get her to stop stealing and spend more time with her father.

    @Day-5: Yes. Surprised that I only got three letters? You shouldn’t be if you saw the poll.

    @animekritik: Yes, I’ll grope all the men I work with. Men. Lots of men.

    @Michael|LoHP: I gave up on having a life 3.5 years ago when I started this website. It’s been awesome. Now my my eyes are totally screwed up from watching so much anime, so I have to be selective about what I watch.

    @Omisyth: Partners in group projects typically get the same grade for a project. Being the guy who does all the work is win-lose at best.

    @thekungfukid: Dave & Buster’s. We needed a place big enough for 14 people without reservations and wound up at D&B.

    @otou-san: Actually, her name was Miya. But yes, if you study variations of the Beer-Quiche game in greater detail, mixing it up can be a viable strategy. Such a scenario might happen if too many men drink beer. Women might take a hit and argue with everyone. Weak men would realize they’re going to get yelled at no matter what, so they might as well eat what they like.

    @moridin84: Good point. The silent treatment is simple yet effective against attention whores.

    @Day-12: You were a Yanki?

  14. moridin84 says:

    @baka-raptor: Well I wouldn’t put it such a negative manner. I mean based on what the guy said, I wouldn’t really call her an attention whore. It’s not that she wants attention, it’s that she wants him to take care of her. Or to put it in another way, she wants him to do whatever she wants. That’s pretty normal for most women right?

  15. Aww, I can make up problems and send you emails about them so you have a fuller mailbag!

    I was the kind of yanki who dumped gin in milkshakes and then skipped school so I could go to the library – I was just that cool.

  16. Baka-Raptor says:

    @moridin84: Yes, as you’ll find out in the first question of the next mailbag.

    @Day: Real problems only. Want to make up problems? Do it for your own mailbag.

  17. But having a mailbag of my own would imply that I actually care about my readers in some vague, undistinguished manner.

  18. wtfbbq says:

    Your posts have gone dowwwwwnnhill!! Bring back the days of fan-service bingo, the theory and architecture of anime harem, and actual reviews. You know, your good stuff.

    Baka-Raptor’s suggested harem has too many women in it.

  19. Kevin says:

    I am just going to go on a limb here and not offer any advice. I will now though go drink beer.

    Self-help is the best help. Therefore I will not offer any advice. I will now though go drink fermented pedophilia.

  20. sakura says:

    @ #1 Life – Seems to me like she was pissed because you didn’t try to jump her. I’m going to go with Baka-Raptor’s suggestion here and assume the reason you didn’t do so is because she looks like the back side of a donkey.

    So tell her to meet you in the school broom closet. Meanwhile make a deal with your buddies to give the twinkie eating fat kid a break from getting swirlies in exchange for him to spend seven minutes in heaven in the broom closet with the donkey faced freak.

    Give them a while to get nice acquainted before you open the door with your nikon cool pics to catch her in a compromising position with lard-ass.

    Trust me after you threaten to show the whole school that picture, she’ll do the whole project for you all by herself. Her life is already hell enough as it is since she’s fugly, she won’t want to compound it by being caught frenching the other freak of the school.

    @ #2 Life, if they give you any trouble over it, just explain that you haven’t been able to get enough of them since your girl got you to use your junk as the spoon for her strawberry ice cream.

    You’ll find they’ll be slapping you on the back for a job well-done and probably promote you.

    @ Baka-Raptor, for new shows just ask yourself “would Shizuru watch this?” if the answer is no then just switch off and re-watch Mai-Hime. Problem solved because technically you’d be re-watching an older anime.

  21. Shiro, Long Tail's says:

    @Beer & Milkshake game
    If your coworkers made any remarks about your drink choice you should have immediately responded with your best bravado “Only the manliest of men drink Strawberry Milkshakes!” then immediately chug the entire milkshake and order another. Challenge someone to drinking a gallon of milk to further cement your unparalleled manliness. Worst case scenario they’ll think you’re funny enough to keep around.

    Alternatively you could have gotten a root beer float minus the root.

    @Anime Question
    I’m sure some people (myself included) don’t mind reading reviews for extremely old anime we may not have watched since we were unaware of it at the time it was airing, y’know something like Touch or Ideon.

  22. lolikitsune says:

    @Baka-Raptor, Anime Question: rewatch Higurashi season 1 so we can sing “Why, or why not” together next we meet up.

  23. Kyoin says:

    Baka Raptor! For anime question number 1 you forgot Yoruichi! We have to at least have one babe who has color…

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