The following emails are real and completely unedited, except the parts I very obviously edited.
Life question: I come to you in great distress, and I ask a favor from your All-Knowingness (yes, I just made up that word). Although I do possess female genitalia, I’ve found myself in a position where I am the man in my relationship with my boyfriend. He is the consummate submissive type, and this fulfills my life-long dream of owning a sex slave (along with any other type of slave you can imagine). He would do anything for me, and in this respect he is much like a woman. I must say I find it extremely appealing to my taste, seeing that I am bisexual.
However – after nearly five months of owning him without cracking or budging in the slightest, or showing any kind of weakness whatsoever – I just did the worst thing anyone could ever do in a situation like mine: I cried in front of him. I neither denied nor admitted to it, but know what I have done will come back to haunt me, and I don’t know what I should do about it.
To make things even worse, he wasn’t even sure that I was crying; he just hugged me and started to cry himself! What is this faggotry?! What’s happened to me?
Relax, you can’t lose:
Tell him it was his fault you were crying. He’ll believe you because he’s an oversensitive pussy. Then he’ll feel guilty and feel the need to make it up to you. Take the opportunity to have your way with him. Just be careful not to overdo it. If you turn your boyfriend into too much of a bitch, you’ll only get more faggotry in return.
If my above suggestion strikes you as immoral, you can go with any of the following no-fail excuses for crying:
Anime question: Why isn’t there another season of Strawberry Panic?
Because lesbianism, like everything else that’s good and decent in the world, no longer sells.
Also, I suspect the liberal media is trying to suppress the truth about global warming.
Life: Before starting at college in January of this year, I spent six months in a cubicle and I got to hating it toward the end. I felt isolated from the world and confined by my impossibly tall gray walls. I decided I wouldn’t return to that job this summer. Now I have a bunch of free time. I also now have a girlfriend, and thusly need money. What should I do?
Watch Office Space. You’ll learn many valuable life lessons, one of which is that work sucks and there’s nothing you can do about it. Want money? Suck it up and get back to the cubicle.
This is why college hippies turn conservative when they start working. Once they realize how much they have to suffer for their paychecks, they don’t want a single penny of it taken away, especially if it’s given to people who don’t work.
Alternatively, if you’re too much of a pussy to work, you could ask your girlfriend to pay up. If she refuses, accuse her of sexism. There was a time when it was practical let men do all the work because most jobs involved lifting heavy things. Nowadays, the heaviest things you need to lift around the office are TPS reports. There’s no reason why women can’t do that shit when they’re eight months pregnant. Let men stay home where they’re needed to lift furniture, chop wood, carry sacks of potatoes, fix leaky faucets, change light bulbs, shoot trespassers, etc.
Anime: Before starting at college in January of this year, I spent six months watching tons of anime every night and I got to hating it toward the end. I felt isolated from reality and confined by my impossibly potent 2d complex. I decided I wouldn’t return to watching anime this summer. Now I have a bunch of free time. I also now have a mite of intelligence, and thusly need dumbing down. What should I do?
–lol i know i‘m tsundere
Ummmm…feeling isolated from reality is the whole point of watching anime. If you crave reality, read a newspaper. Walk through the ghettos. Did you know that roughly 11,000 puppies die each day? You probably didn’t want to. Reality blows.
As for your “impossibly potent 2d complex,” you got a girlfriend. Problem solved. Go watch anime.
Any comment from a non-asker must include advice for at least one of the above questions. Any comment that does not will be censored.