I beat up Haruhi

I beat up Haruhi

I was in the middle of beating Crystalis blindfolded when all of a sudden I was mysteriously teleported away from my computer. I took off my blindfold to see Haruhi prancing around, exclaiming she was thrilled to meet a dinosaur. I lazily autographed her face and began to make my way out. Upset that I wouldn’t stick around to be in her shitty club, Haruhi threw a tantrum and tried to drug me. Sick of seeing Haruhi abuse others for her own selfish amusement, Kyon cocked his fist back to smack Haruhi, but his horrendous form made him look like he was trying to lift a pom-pom instead of trying to throw a punch.

Koizumi held Kyon back. “Such a weak-ass pussy punch won’t do,” explained Koizumi. “This is a job for Baka-Raptor!”

I prepared to administer the standard solar plexus blow, but a feeling of déjà vu halted my movements. Had I done this before? Nagato confirmed that we were trapped in a time loop caused by Haruhi’s being an egotistical crybaby bitch. Whereas a fool would stop there, I continued to milk Nagato for information that would help me break the time loop.

  • How many times had I figured out that we were in a time loop?
  • What had I previously done to attempt to break the time loop?
  • How did those previous attempts fail?

I connected Nagato to a printer (definitely not a Lexmark) and printed out the data in spreadsheet form. An objective statistical analysis of the data made it clear that only one technique could vanquish the evil known as Haruhi Suzumiya: the vaunted Flaming Child Punch. Just as planned, the technique sent Haruhi flying into the trunk of a sedan, which was then ingested by a hippopotamus.

Future Mikuru time traveled to the present to inform me that the future had been saved. Then she started humping me. Unsure whether she’d reached the statutory age of consent, I asked Future Mikuru to proffer two forms of government-issued photo ID. Both forms of ID listed her birthdate as being in the future, which meant she had a negative age in the present. Obviously, that meant she was less than eighteen, so I firmly rejected her. Future Mikuru understood.

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33 people love sucking up to me

  1. SaberToothedPie says:

    What’s Missing: A swift kick in the vag to Tsuruya and then taking out her stupid fang.

  2. Hahahahaha. Nicceee. This season of Haruhi sucks and Haruhi needed that. Although I liked the first one, and do think that Nagato is awesome because she has no personality.

  3. ShadowbladeEdge says:

    A prudent decision, you can’t be messing around with hos of negative age. Plus she probably had space VD or something.

  4. Snark says:

    I’ll offer you 72 virgin girls above the statutory age of consent if you’ll teach me the flaming child punch.

  5. digitalboy says:

    good enough as a story, but not good enough as the post I’ve been waiting for. Quit the blatant filler!!!

  6. Did you save the teeth scattered on the trunk of the sedan? Auction those to otaku, they’ll make up shit that Haruhi is GAR and then pay you mad =YYYYYYYYYY=

  7. Omisyth says:

    Best fanfiction I’ve ever read.

  8. animekritik says:

    “Definitely not a Lexmark”, that’s a priceless line.

    On Mikuru’s age, I think the law of consent is actually the absolute value of the years, so that if she’s minus 120 years old it’s |-120| = 120, which means she’s good to go.

    @SaberToothedPie

    funny you complaining about Tsuruya’s fang with that name. There are those of us who believe the universe as we know it revolves around an axis determined by the fangs of Tsuruya and Misao Kusakabe, so be careful what you wish for or the universe could be unhinged…

  9. Rakuen says:

    Good job. Knew this was coming. Good job.

    Haruhi sucks for me now. I’ve dropped the show already (after watching 3 of 8 episodes of Endless whatever), so I’ll pretend there’s only 1 season.

  10. Tan says:

    Wait, so is this post saying you dislike the new season of Haruhi or that you could beat up Haruhi better than Kyon?

  11. otousan says:

    I think anyone could beat up Haruhi better than Kyon. I mean, who lets Captain Fabulous stop them from administering justice? Weak. Other than that, much better story the past couple episodes, it’s like they’re… trying, instead of choking on their own cleverness.

    Incidentally, I’d be happy if you worked that solar plexus graphic into every post. I just wait for people to get hiccups so I can try to cure them.

  12. Sounds good. Haruhi is one of the worst characters ever created, and I still cannot fathom why people are so crazy about her. There really is nothing good about her character at all.

  13. moridin84 says:

    It seems unlikely that this happened but surely you wouldn’t be lying to people, especially not on the internet!

  14. Saturnity says:

    @Omisyth
    What do you mean, fanfiction? This is obviously canon.

  15. Baka-Raptor says:

    @SaberToothedPie: Tsuruya is already dead to me. I still can’t believe I watched a whole episode of that Nyoron crap. The whole time I was thinking, “maybe the next joke won’t suck.” I was wrong (which doesn’t happen much).

    @Glo: I’m troubled by indications that Nagato has feelings (which are not lesbian feelings).

    @ShadowbladeEdge: That’s what she gets for riding so much clock.

    @Snark: The trick to the Flaming Child Punch is the “Flaming” part (the “Child” and “Punch” sort of fall into place). First, you must generate sufficient heat to create flames at will. Get back to me when you can down a bottle of tabasco sauce.

    @digitalboy: Get thee to a nunnery.

    @ghostlightning: The thought never crossed my mind. You have my permission to search though the hippo shit for them.

    @Omisyth, moridin84 & Saturnity: Well, it’s not entirely canon. Future Mikuru actually started humping me before telling me that the future had been saved.

    @animekritik: You may be onto something. Perhaps it’s okIt might be ok if I die before she’s born.

    @Rakuen: I do the same thing for Nodame Cantabile.

    @Tan: The latter. Try not to read too deep into my posts.

    @otousan: Repeat the same thing in every post? Me? Get thee to a nunnery.

    @Day: But she’s moe! Who needs likable personality traits when you can make some stupid face when you’re frustrated that causes otaku to beat off to you?

  16. mike hunt says:

    is that joke from dave chapelle? the one about 2 forms of gov’nt issued id?

  17. Haruhi should know better than to disrupt a Crystalis session. You just don’t do it.

  18. Laguna Loire says:

    Dinosaur on a girl’s breasts kick ass ! how come no one had noticed/commented ? anyhow…another relevant comment.

  19. thekungfukid says:

    So you’ve turned down Yuko, Clare, AND future Mikuru? Will anyone ever learn to carry two forms of government-issued photo ID?

  20. Snark says:

    Wait, you turned down Clare!? As in Claymore Clare??? WHY!?

  21. Toonleap says:

    Sorry for being late for this cool post. I was hoping to see pictures of the hippo swallowing the sedan with Haruhi inside the trunk… 🙂

  22. Eroshiyda says:

    Baka-Raptor, you’re going to love this true story. My best friend in high school (about 6 years ago) was this Muslim girl who I had a crush on, and when she found out that I was bi, she stopped being my friend. So we stopped talking for years, and she just found me on facebook the other day. Guess what? She’s a lesbian now.

  23. Baka-Raptor says:

    @mike hunt: If it is, I haven’t seen it. Got a link?

    @WanderingMind: And I was just about get get the Power Ring. Do you have any idea how long that takes blindfolded?

    @Laguna: Because I’ve used that gag twice. Not that it ever gets old.

    @thekungfukid: Women will start carrying ID when men stop setting themselves up for statutory rape accusations.

    @Snark: I wasn’t sure she was over 18, and statutory rape is a strict liability offense. It’s all explained quite clearly when you click the damn link.

    @Toonleap: I was expecting everyone to click the damn link and use their imaginations to replace Maddox and that kid with me and Haruhi (respectively), like thus:

    @Eroshiyda: Awesome! Has she offered to “apologize”?

  24. Toonleap says:

    Oops, sorry for not clicking the link…
    But now that I see the image, it is easier to imagine…Poor Hippo…er, I mean, poor Haruhi… 🙂

  25. Snark says:

    @ Baka-Raptor
    Huh? You can’t argue mistake of fact for strict liability offenses in America? Or wherever the hell Claymore takes place in?

  26. Baka-Raptor says:

    @Toonleap: You are forgiven.

    @Snark: Only in hippie states like California and Washington.

  27. Higanzakura says:

    are kyon and haruhi still as cool as you ?

  28. Tan says:

    What did you think of Higurashi no Naku Koro ni?

  29. Tan says:

    *What did you think of Higurashi no Naku Koro ni Rei?

  30. Seba says:

    Did Haruhi stop being Tsundere after your epic asdfadsad punch?

  31. Zantetsu says:

    Good. She deserves her face to be punched in. The entire premise of being her bitch just so the universe doesn’t implode Hokuto Shinken-style is almost as retarded as an all-girls music club that never actually practices music or that lucky pedo one.

  32. Baka-Raptor says:

    @Higanzakura: First of all, they were almost as cool as me. Big difference. Kyon loses several cleverness points for being useless during Endless Eight. Haruhi loses several attitude points for being extremely petty this season. I don’t get how someone who supposedly thinks people are boring would get so pissy over not having a homework party.

    @Tan-28: Brilliant series.

    @Tan-29: More standing around and talking than I’d like, but it’s Higurashi and therefore awesome. If Naruto Filler replaced the Naruto characters with Higurashi characters, I would watch every single episode.

    @Seba: Yes. She stopped doing a lot of things. Breathing, for example.

    @Zantetsu: Technically, I never punched her face, though shockwaves from the body blow did make it up there.

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