Ranking the Women of Canaan

Ranking can be a tedious process. I’m way too lazy to work my way through O(n log n) algorithms. Luckily, the intro sequence saved me the trouble:


#1: Alphard

But Baka-Raptor, you’re not supposed to start with #1! Going in reverse order builds suspense!

No it doesn’t. Leaving the shittiest character for the end builds true suspense. The best character obviously deserves the top spot, and Alphard is boss. I like her as much as humanly possible without loving her.

I know, right? Alphard and I agree about everything.

What sets Alphard apart from other women? Just look at her wardrobe:

It’s hideous—and that’s the point. Alphard doesn’t care about fashion.

A line so manly I had to take a screenshot.

Of course, she’ll dress up when necessary to propagate her malicious schemes.

Alphard sparkles like a star in the sky. She’s even hot enough to be in the same league as Jody Blue-Eyes Hayward.

More proof that Alphard rules:

  • Lesbians go crazy for her (literally)
  • She only smiles out of amusement, deviousness, or badassery; never happiness or some other pussy emotion
  • She has the power to mysteriously disappear when a moving object momentarily passes your line of sight
  • Spoiler: She shot her arm off (OH SHIT!)

In sum, Alphard is now the yardstick by which I measure all women.


#1.5: Hakko

Hakko would be the #1 character on almost any other show. I could tell you why, but the shock may be too great if you’re pregnant or diabetic. Don’t read the following blinking yellow line you’ve probably already read if you’re not prepared to have your mind blown.

HAKKO IS A MUTE CHICK VOICED BY MAMIKO NOTO!

It might seem impossible, but it’s true, and it’s unbelievable. First, Mamiko Noto is awesome, in the sense that I’m jealous of the way she makes a living as a highly touted voice actress when she uses the same damn voice for every role. Second, mute women are awesome.

  • Shion
  • Chane Laforet
  • Yuria (she was mute when she first met Kenshiro, which is why he fell in love with her)

There’s nothing sexist about thinking that women are better when they keep their mouths shut. I’m also of the opinion that men who don’t talk (like Golgo 13) are far superior to men who are incapable of shutting up (like Kamina).

On top of the muteness, Hakko is gorgeous, deadly, and vengeful. What more could you want in a character? The only knock some people have on Hakko is the whole necrophilia thing. Honestly, I thought it was kind of romantic. Several years ago, I watched a touching wildlife documentary about an elephant who wouldn’t leave the corpse of her dead calf for days after it died. This was the exact same situation. Hakko’s deviance was driven by emotion, not sexual impulse. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with necrophilia if the corpse is at least 18 years old.


#2: Canaan

Canaan is one of those characters who gets stronger when she has something to protect. Normally this would annoy me, but Canaan is refreshingly unemotional. Even as she begins to discover her feelings, she rarely cries, whines, or mopes, and if she does, she gets right to the point. Throw in some wicked fight scenes and you’ve got a solid—though somewhat bland—lead character.

And she might be a lesbian. Thumbs up.


#4: Natsume

Cool. Mysterious. Knows how to get what she wants. Bonus points for actually looking Japanese. Might be higher up the rankings if she could fight.


#6: Liang Qi

Villainous psycho-lesbians rarely fall this far, especially if they great taste in women. Unfortunately, Liang Qi’s behavior was often incongruous with the tone of the show, and her death scene lasted about five minutes too long. I was also disappointed that she never had a true showdown with Canaan. On the bright side, she did have a showdown with Maria.


#14: Yunyun

Yunyun is the kind of silly, energetic, comic-relief character who rarely fails to annoy me. However, she escapes the title of worst character for three reasons:

  • She’s useful once in a while
  • She might be using humor to cope with her grief (not a justification for being annoying, but a mitigating excuse)
  • At least she’s not Maria

#8,000,000,000: Maria

That’s right, eight-fucking-billion, meaning she’s worse than 6.8 billion actual people and 1.2 billion hypothetical people. Any of these Marias would be more tolerable than this Maria, including Maria Ushiromiya and Maria Robotnik. She’s the reason I dropped this show twice in three episodes. What’s so bad about Maria? She’s only the most annoying character type ever created: the useless optimist.

ANIME DOES NOT NEED ANOTHER USELESS OPTIMIST

If you’re incapable of getting shit done, or worse, if you’re a hindrance to everyone who’s at least marginally capable of improving the situation, nobody wants to hear you preach your “everything’s going to be ok” bullshit.

Shouldn’t I like Maria if she’s a lesbian? Thing is, I sensed no true lesbianism from Maria. She’s just leading Canaan on. Not cool.

She also sucks at being a hostage.

So not only is Maria a shitty-hostage fake-lesbian useless-optimist, she also sucks at photography. She witnesses a massive government conspiracy, yet the best she can do is take two pictures of someone’s face. If I were the director of that art exhibit, I’d throw her ass out the door.

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  1. digitalboy says:

    Nice list. Canaan is my number one personally, but whatever. I didn’t really care for Alphard. I hate when a villain nevr wants to let us in on what the fuck is up, and the way she always spared people because they were ‘interesting’ is bullshit. IMO, you have someone who’s a hindrance, fucking KILL them.

    Maria has big breasts and Canaan will eventually rape her – more than enough reason for me to like her.

    • Kabitzin says:

      Um, everyone else mentioned that Maria had small breasts.

    • Baka-Raptor says:

      I hate when a villain nevr wants to let us in on what the fuck is up

      What’s this? digitalboy cares about plot? Never thought I’d see the day.

      • digitalboy says:

        Let me phrase that better.

        If your story has no villain at all, I am fine with it. If your story has a villain who has ulterior motives, that’s cool. If your villain keeps doing bizarre things for no discernable reason, that’s still cool. However, the line is crossed when the villain keeps hinting at the fact that there is a reason for her actions, but never spelling it out, I get pissed. I don’t like suspense, I just want you to tell me what the goddamn shit you are trying to say instead of waiting.

  2. Jarmel says:

    Thank you kind sir. This is amazingly accurate and why I hate Maria. You would also do well to despise Cecily from Seiken no Blacksmith, in fact Cecily is worse. Maria atleast tries to stay out of the way.

  3. Kairu says:

    >Ranking the Women of Canaan
    >Women
    >#2: Canaan

    Canaan isn’t even a woman I tell ya. Also, why put Liang Qi ONLY on the #6 spot. How dare you.

  4. Some of the suspense was killed because this post was about the Women of Canaan. Maria, more useless than the character whose power is having an extra appendix, would always make the bottom of the list. And though Alphard is a better character, Hakko is my personal #1. I rate her hotness on the level of the Ark of the Covenant as seen in the first Indiana Jones movie: in 3D she would cause anyone who looked upon her to spontaneously combust. Her higher rating may have to do with the fact that her catsuit melted part of my brain, but I stand firmly behind my choice.

  5. Hakko did have a very nice upper-lip and dem swaggah-tits, definitely 1.5(9) material! =3 Liang Qi would be my top for her fanboy/gurl-ness (and nice stanky-upper-lip).

    Also… am I the only one who liked SUGOI?!?! D:

  6. Kabitzin says:

    You know, there’s no reason to immediately assume that Natsume Yuri can’t fight. She at least knows how to use a pistol and a grenade launcher.

    If I were the director of that art exhibit, I’d throw her ass out the door.

    No you wouldn’t, for the exact same reason that the real director didn’t. Maria can do whatever she wants because her father is famous and rich, and probably donated a boat-load of money.

    Also Maria can’t afford to take many pictures because she refuses to use a digital SLR.

    I watched a touching wildlife documentary about an elephant who wouldn’t leave the corpse of her dead calf for days after it died

    Was that because it was sexxoring the calf?

  7. Glo says:

    You know what pissed me off the most about Maria? When Canaan shot that dude in the sewer, Maria got all freaked out. Canaan just shot some dude who is trying to kill you (sort of) right in front of you….THAT’S AWESOME! WHY WOULD YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT THAT? If some girl did that for me I would be on her like…uhh…something that is always on something else.

    My favorite character isn’t even on this list: The Taxi Driver. Finally someone who can drive a car off a bridge without any hesitation at all. He’s my kind of guy, and he’s shown that he knows how to handle the daunting task of being a taxi driver in a busy city. If you ask me, he should have a spinoff.

  8. Shiro, Long Tail's says:

    What I learned from the OP: There are hot women, there are hot women with guns, there are journalists, likely useless going by the names of plot device and exposition machine. Also, Canaan is a robot otherwise her hands would melt off while sliding down that midair cable, making her lack of feelings a huge plus.

    Your Suzuka (from last post) and Hayward links appear to be broken.

    • Baka-Raptor says:

      What I learned from the OP: There are hot women, there are hot women with guns, there are journalists, likely useless going by the names of plot device and exposition machine. Also, Canaan is a robot otherwise her hands would melt off while sliding down that midair cable, making her lack of feelings a huge plus.

      When you put it that way, I begin to understand why so many people were disappointed with the show.

      Thanks for reporting the broken links, fucking WordPress is fucking with me.

      • Shiro, Long Tail's says:

        So what you’re saying is that the attractive women and guns disappear from the show? Man that’s disappointing.

  9. TJ says:

    Maria is more like a piece of baggage than a character, therefore she doesn’t even deserve to be on this list.

  10. schneider says:

    Where’s the idol?

    Also, fuck yeah Eisenach. *fingersnap*

  11. kluxorious says:

    I don’t care about the list because I have yet to see Canaan but I just have to say something. This quote right here: “Besides, there’s nothing wrong with necrophilia if the corpse is at least 18 years old” is made of win.

  12. Wolfheinrich says:

    Holy crap, you have a picture of Ernst von Eisenach up there?! Could you possibly be my long lost soul brother who also watch the Legend of Galactic Heros?!!

  13. Rakuen says:

    Good thing you liked my Canaan. My bride deserves to be loved by most men.

    Personally I would’ve liked Liang Qi more if she had a fight with my bride, but meh. Also, thumbs up for crazy-lesbian-sadistic-masochist.

  14. Eroshiyda says:

    Wow, so Alphard is pretty much a dude who just happens to look like a hott chick. In fact, she’s pretty much like you as a girl, Baka-Raptor. From these facts, I conclude two things about you:

    1. You’re gay
    2. You’re narcissistic

    It’s ok – if I were as awesome as you, I’d be in love with myself, too.

    • Baka-Raptor says:

      I admit it, if a female version of myself were to magically appear before me, I’d be all over her, and she’d be all over me, and we’d have wild threesomes with hot bi-curious women.

      Gotta say though, despite my terrible fashion sense, I’d still know better than to wear suspenders with a tube top and a trench coat.

  15. 1) Alphard – You ever get the feeling she got tired and bored and couldn’t care anymore about the plot by the end. I can relate to her there.

    2) Liang Qi – I dig crazy anime bitches. It’s that simple.

    3) Canaan – She moped around a bit too much, but she’s a hot fighting chick with Type-Moon magic eyes.

    4) Natsume – Ms. Cool and Mysterious might have ranked higher if she appeared in the show for more than 10 seconds at a time.

    5) Yunyun – Annoying, yes, but also a bit of a realist, which helps make up for it.

    6) Hakko – What genius decided to have Mamiko Noto voice the freaking mute!? Seriously.

    Just no…) Maria – What you said. Her character has to be the worst anime cliche ever. Naivety is one thing. This is something else, something far more sinister.

    • Baka-Raptor says:

      1) We all know Alphard would’ve won if she really felt like it.

      2) And she’s a lesbian. You can’t stress that part enough.

      3) Mystic Eyes. The phrase is Mystic Eyes.

      4) Although she didn’t get much time, she made good use of it by pointing a gun at Maria.

      5) Well, she does have a boat house, which is pretty fucking awesome.

      6) My words exactly, without the sarcasm.

      Just no…) Sugoi

  16. Yi says:

    Agree with the rankings. I like Liang Qi though. Villainous psycho-lesbians are always nice, no exceptions.

  17. Qwerty says:

    “especially if they great taste in women.”

    You entire coke?

    I think I’m going to Canaan now.

  18. Blowfish says:

    SUGOI!

    Alphard is definately number 1 but I wouldnt put Canaan in place #2.She was too annoying with her I have something to protect bullshit.Atleast she has tits what ranks her anove the average shounen character.

    Havent got any problems with necrophilia as long as the body is still warm

    • Baka-Raptor says:

      I understand, but who would you give the #2 spot instead of Canaan?

      • Blowfish says:

        Damn!You just got me there.Looking at the avaiable females of the show shes actually a quite strong contender for the second place.Liang Qi is,while I do like her,youre average psychotic lesbian bitch without a true personality besides abusive behavior.Natsumes personality isnt enough explored for me to give a rating.
        YunYun is your average comic relief Character…Maria is…Sugoi

        I guess Hakko ranks second and third is Canaan due to lack of serious contenders

  19. Snark says:

    What the!? Liang Qi is only #6!?!?

    How is she a 6??? She’s a psycho lesbian! That’s the best kind of psycho! And also the best kind of lesbian.

  20. Salsk says:

    I liked Yun-Yun, the only thing I didn’t like about her, was that she saved Maria.

  21. Michael says:

    This was what made Gundam 00 only good. It had a lot of Saji and Marina, two useless optimists who, in the end, didn’t really develop in any manner. A brick wall can have tons of development compared to them, that’s how crappy these characters were. Anime does not need another useless optimist, I agree.

  22. Laguna Loire says:

    I thought Baka-Raptor didn’t like rankings:

    “These flawed stats end up having no absolute meaning, so they’re only used for relative comparison a.k.a. ranking, a total waste of time.” – Baka-Raptor

    So according to this, can this post be considered a waste of time filler ?

  23. Kyoin says:

    Are you gonna rank the women of some mainstream anime just so you can show the fanboys what’s up in your next post?

  24. Fuck, now I’m gonna have to watch Cannan, aren’t I?

  25. Hikarusa says:

    Regarding your poll (as this is the newest post): All those games suck, play the best game ever instead. (God Hand)

  26. qwes says:

    Hey, BR, when are you gonna watch Cromartie High? Considering your against the pedophile moe shit I would have thought you’d watch one of the only true comedy MANime.

  27. […] Black Lagoon, who is awesome, and is voiced by SAKAMOTO Maaya 3. The OP sequence’s ranking as interpreted by Baka-Raptor. 4. The ED theme was sung by Annabel, one of my favourite doujin […]

  28. Epi says:

    Good call on the Noto thing. She’s probably the only person who has pulled off an entire career voicing the same character over and over. Hell, even Takehito Koyasu sounds vaguely different from time to time.

    I would have rated Canaan 1st until the last episode when Alphard really shows off her back muscles…. 😡

    By the way Maria I would rank 7,999,999 if only because of her PORN STAR NAME.

    • Baka-Raptor says:

      I don’t like my women buff or anything, but I’ll say this without any reservation: muscle tone is hot.

      Are you talking about Maria Ozawa? Excuse me while I do some further research…

  29. qwerty says:

    Maria should be infinity +1. The +1 is for that SUGOI idiot hair. Seriously, how many stupid cliches can one character be stuffed with?

    I do agree with Alphard being #1 though. Her very presence dwarfed Maria’s stupidity enough to make the show watchable.

    • Baka-Raptor says:

      Alphard didn’t get any serious screen time until episode 4. Meanwhile, Maria was all over the first three episodes. No wonder I dropped the show twice in three episodes.

      • qwerty says:

        >Meanwhile, Maria was all over the first three episodes.

        I get it now. Maria is the anthropomorphic representation of a STD. Clearly Alphard is the hero here for trying to save Canaan from an unpleasant fate.

  30. Zwein says:

    Alphard : Manliest than most man, it’s the baddest character I’ve saw in the anime I’ve watched. Don’t know why, but all the show I watch, guy’s look like pussy, act like pussy, are pussy. And women steal the show : Canaan, Blood+, Black Lagoon, Ga-Rei Zero… Exception : Kurono in Gantz… That guy was awesome…
    Hakko : She can kill people by SPEAKING. That’s like, you can’t beat that. If she would have recoil at least, but no, she isn’t affected by her voice. Yeah, sure, you have limited social capaticities, but who cares?
    Canaan : Totally didn’t watch the show for her, I must say, but she’s still badass. They try to much to make her a killer with deep emotions, a hard past. No. She’s supposed to be a violent, sociopath killer, she was grown like that, without love. But still, the “guy-I-can’t-remember-the-name-at-the-moment” was her light, and Maria is her new light, but she can’t lose her light again… Shut the fuck up and kill someone bitch!
    Natsume : She’s hot. Would’ve need more coverage.
    Liang Qi : My favorite character. The showdown she has with Alphard at episode 11, followed by her death, was I think the stronger moment I’ve personally saw up to date. At the end of my seat, I was telling myself “This can’t be true, this can’t be true…” Well, know I have much more to see, but I like it. And she’s a true bitch, I mean, a REAL one.
    Yunyun : Bitch. But the annoying kind. Annoying bitch. We all know.
    Maria : Bitch. But the useless kind. Useless bitch. We all know.
    The taxi driver, liked Glo said, should have been here. Sometimes, I get the feeling he was the character with the highest potential. But he ended up only as a recurring random one. Not enough time for him to achieve celebrity, badly.

    • Baka-Raptor says:

      Well said.

      Some girls still complain that there aren’t enough awesome women in anime. It’s ridiculous, especially when you consider how few awesome men there are nowadays. But noooo, this is all part of the patriarchal conspiracy to keep women down. Total crap.

      Muteness can come in handy. You won’t have to talk to anyone, and nobody will think you’re a jerk for it.

      Canaan ranked high for her action. Her side story didn’t really capture my interest, but damn, the girl can fight.

      Liang Qi is cool as an individual character. I just didn’t like the way she was often sillier or more dramatic than the mood of the show at certain points. If the show had gone about her role a little differently, she could be as high as #1.2.

  31. r4y says:

    Just curious but have you watched Black Lagoon?
    I’m going to guess that you haven’t because Ive never seen you mention it.
    Black lagoon = canaan – maria + pirates (the modern kind with guns) + awesome animation/atmosphere – supernatural powers
    and if you like Alphard you’ll love Revy, and Revy gets a lot more screen time.

  32. Jubbz says:

    Maria Ushiromiya >>> Maria from Canaan.

    Damn annoying bitch. >_>

  33. […] This is the best fucking joke in the universe. Get it, universe?! Because this is an H-R diagram, which has stars, gigantic orbs of gas spread throughout the universe! But I digress. […]

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