An Unbiased Review of God of War

Three things that sucked:

1. Not enough bosses

God of War has only three real bosses: Ares, the Hydra, and the flaming bull. All other critical fights are against either a ton of standard enemies or a handful of slightly powered-up enemies. Nobody cares about the small fries. It’s the boss fights that make a game memorable.

2. The Oracle and the Sacrifice’s whining

Look on the bright side: Kratos is doing you a favor. I’d know I’d rather be flamewiched to death than die slowly in cage from starvation or dehydration. People need to get their priorities straight.

The Oracle’s first cry for help was kind of funny because I was in the middle of opening a random treasure chest instead of trying to save her. After that she got really annoying, really fast. I even let the timer run out once (on purpose of course) for the schadenfreude of letting her body hit the floor.

There are hundreds of “Bodies” AMVs and VGMVs on YouTube. This is the best one. (Videos were judged solely on the number of bodies hitting the floor.)

3. Too many traps

My approximately 150 deaths broke down something like this:

  • 15 pre-Ares combat deaths
  • 25 Ares combat deaths
  • 110 trap deaths

I got raped by all kinds of traps: climbing traps, swimming traps, balancing traps, jumping traps, buzzsaw traps, etc. And you thought it was sad that I got my ass kicked by that bridge in Shadow of the Colossus. Such is the dexterity of a man who’s owned only three other 3D video games in his life that weren’t RPGs (DMC1, DMC3, Shadow of the Colossus).

Three things that rocked:

1. Kratos

Finally, a video game featuring a positive male role model. I was growing tired of moΓ© male protagonists like Wanda Wander, Vaan, and Dante.

The only thing moΓ© about Kratos is the way he sold his soul instead of accepting death like a man. He also cried once, but I’m willing to excuse that under the doctrine of manly tears.

2. Tits

Baka-Raptor: Good sir, it is my humble wish to purchase this video game from your fine shoppe.

Clerk: May I see your ID?

Baka-Raptor: ID? Thy request doth confuseth me.

Clerk: ID means identification, such as a driver’s license.

Baka-Raptor: No, smartass, why would I need ID to purchase a video game?

Clerk: Tits.

Baka-Raptor: Splendid!

3. Kratos’s final line before killing Ares

The most badass retort in video game history.

Final Score: ++

Next up: God Hand

48 people love sucking up to me

  1. The sequence with the rotating logs with spikes on them that you had to climb up toward the end of the game was incredibly broken and clearly never actually tested. Or maybe their testers are jedi or something, able to predict the future before it happens. I’m pretty sure that if you manage to time everything just right, get your jumps exactly in the right places and so on, it might be possible to get up. Maybe.

    After about my 100th attempt I restrained myself from flinging the controller through the TV long enough to switch the game off. To this day I have never finished God of War. Fuck you, spike logs.

    • Those logs were hard, but I beat them without dying. The part that screwed me the most was the stage area where you had to step on a button to open a gate, jump across some moving platforms with moving buzzsaws in between them, and make it through a gate before the gate closed. That part was clearly broken. Each time you stepped on the button, the gate would open for a different length of time. Sometimes it would even close immediately. I had no idea how to get a read on the length of the time the gate would be open. The ticking in the background was completely useless. I finally made it through with sheer luck.

  2. Yeah those FUCKING logs accounted for at least half of my deaths in that game.

    Anyway, one of my favorite games, though it’s been some 4 years since I beat it. The sequel has more bosses and some of them are fucking incredible, but overall I wasn’t as big a fan of it as the first game, mostly because it had WAY too many wall-climbing segments.

    3 looks to be amazing though.

      • Oh I didn’t mind the wall climbing until I had to do it in every fucking level often for way too long.

        And consider this – you’re walking across a wall, it takes about 45 seconds to cross it, and then you are on ground. Then some kind of enemy or trap kills you. You have to do that wall climbing segment again. Gets very annoying fast.

  3. Clearly you aren’t content with reevaluating Lucky Star, but being unbiased about the awesome God Of War as well. I’ve never played the first one but once played part of the second one at a friend’s place.

    I am blaming you, Baka-Raptor, for inducing me to watch Seinfeld again to see the difference between Seinfeld and Lucky Star, and no doubt this will make me want to play God of War when the God of War I and II combo Blu-Ray disc comes out for PS3 in glorious remastered graphics. However, I’m willing to predict faster than the Oracle that you don’t take any bullshit about HD either. I would like to see your opinion on HD games and anime Blu-Rays in the future, but for now I’m grappling with the sheer about-face the “Stock Tip” episode of Seinfeld has with our modern Wall Street crash recession sensibilities.

  4. Kenshiro can make anything badass, even the most overused song for AMVs ever.

    Unfortunately I didn’t have the chance to play God of War for a long time, but god damn (pun intended) was it fun to butcher every monster in sight. Kratos is a real man: he needs not brood every five seconds or wear huge space marine armour to induce fear into bloody mythological monstrosities. Developers need to look at him as an example.

    • It’s kind of sad that an AMV leaving in irrelevant subtitles is the best AMV for the most overused AMV song in the universe. None of the other 300 or so AMVs seemed to understand the concept of matching the scenes to the song, or, for that matter, the concept of letting bodies hit the floor. The only other AMV I found that was any good was a Smash Brothers video, and they ruined it by placing an annoying 20+ second credits sequence at the beginning. Could they think of a more effective way to turn off potential viewers?

  5. I also remember those damn logs. Get 5cm away from the top then get hit all the way back down. Damn that was annoying.

    Look forward to God Hand! It will kick your ass.

  6. Heeeeeeeeeey, B-K ! did you finished it on the hardest mode possible ? if not, you haven’t died enough, not just yet πŸ˜‰

    How could you not pick God of War II after that badass Ares battle ? Instead going for a shitty “god hand” that i never heard about ?

    In gamespot for instance it is scored less than 9.0 =>
    And god of war II is obviously an editor’s choice and it IS scored more than 9.0 =>

    God of War Series is so fucking awesome, that i’m planning to buy a PS3 just because of the III installment. Otherwise I’d never want to own a PS3 πŸ˜›

    • Don’t say ‘shitty God Hand’ if you don’t even know about the game, in fact, fucking go play God Hand you bastardr! You can’t call BR out for not playing GOW2 if you haven’t played God Hand! It’s so awesome!!!

      • wow, baka-raptor’s site is becoming awesome, i received this comment through my email !

        I’ll only say one thing Digital Boy, God Hand cannot be near as good as God of War in any way possible. The reason ? I’ve never heard a word about it, didn’t even know it existed before, but God of War, Resident Evil, Metal Gear Solid and even Super Mario(!) are games so fucking amazing and awesome that every major raptor in the universe are talking about them. πŸ˜‰

        My critics here are that B-R should continue to GoW II instead of going to GH. Why isn’t this so obvious ?

        Well, if anyone is in doubt of which game to pick next, save some trouble and just go play the best game in the universe, and that would be without doubt: CHRONO TRIGGER πŸ˜›

        • God Hand is not only better than God of War 2, but it’s also the best game on the PS2.

          The best game on the PS2 also only costs like 12 dollars at gamestop. /Could you ever find a better deal than that like ever? No I didn’t think so/

          The reason you’ve never heard of it is because people are intentionally hiding its’ existence from you because you aren’t cool enough to know of it /obviously/

  7. PS: Just don’t go fucking playing it on a Friday the 13th at the dark or Kratos could just jump out of the screen to deliver you his death blow… booohoohohoho

      • slacker πŸ˜› i was working most of the day… unlike you, i cannot time travel back to the mayan period to request gold and human ritual sacrifices to ’em, i’ve to work that badly to get money XD

  8. “a man who’s owned only three other 3D video games in his life that weren’t RPGs (DMC1, DMC3, Shadow of the Colossus)”

    You certainly picked right.

    @ everyone saying “fuck those logs”

    You’re missing the point entirely! God of War is the only video game in history to accurately portray Hell. Think about it…


    My problem with GoW was that the game was too much style over substance. The combat was too simple (mash square to win), and nowhere near as deep as the stellar DMC3 and Ninja Gaiden. Sure, the game made up for this through pure visceral delight, but I have to state that there are better core designs for a combat engine. Which is why it pains me to see so many people swear by GoW being the best action (hack-and-slash style) series ever made. It’s not. It just has an amazing production.

    For all their brilliance, the bosses were pretty simple too. Even though they were stunning, the ease in which I defeated them was a letdown. That’s not the end of the world, but I feel it must be said. I still love the game — just not as much as the other two aforementioned titles. How would you compare GoW to DMC1 + 3, Baka?

    Oh, and the battle with Ares was terrible. Hated it. So lame. That was not how I envisioned an epic beatdown, which was what the other bosses provided.

    • I did find myself button-mashing a lot. The only combos I used with any regularity were square=square-triangle (standard combo), triangle-triangle-triangle (power combo, it comes along with the second(?) power-up), and square-nonstop (all quick hits for dealing with a lot of weaker enemies). I wanted to use a lot of the other moves, like the charge move or the uppercut, but they never really seemed useful. I mixed it up a lot in DMC3, not just for style points, but because the variety of moves was really useful.

      The Hydra killed me once, but I learned to read it pretty quickly and took it down on my second try. It also helped that it (and the other bosses) gave up health and magic orbs when you beat them enough. Overall, it was a great intro boss. The flaming bull was disappointingly easy. Ares, however, gave me trouble. His first form wasn’t so bad. It killed me once, but I was able to cheap my way by the second time with magic attacks. The middle stage (protecting Kratos’s family) was a simple hack & slash battle, but the setting and emotion of it made it awesome. The final form kicked my ass. I had no idea how to use the sword. I’m assuming the controls were the same for the sword you got earlier in the game, which I never used. I also had trouble dealing with the tentacle attack, which I had trouble reading and didn’t know how to block.

      God of War vs. the DMCs:

      Story: I liked God of War’s the best. The Dante vs. Vergil storyline was cool, but I never cared much for the rest of the story.

      Combat: The DMCs were better, DMC3 particularly. You can’t beat having guns AND a huge sword. Also, as mentioned above, there are more useful moves. Two things that bothered me about DMC1: some lousy camera angles, and rolling required three simultaneous buttons to be pushed. DMC3 fixed the camera angle problem. I forget whether rolling sucked in DMC3.

    • hey michael, as i state in the ancient B-R’s “shadow of colossus” post, you don’t have to mash square all the time, you have to “time it” with triangle some times too XD

  9. Splendid!

    I’ve never played God Hand, or the PS2 God of Wars for that matter, so I look forward to that review.

    • It was a screenshot from the same scene as beatmarias 1 & 3. Except for some reason, it didn’t have Maria in it. It was a Liang Qi shot with Alphard and Cummings in the background. I don’t even remember why I took it.

  10. I’d have to agree on the lack of bossfights. The hydra was just so damn amazing and came so early in the game and then it just seems like one cock block after another. There are also a few cheap deaths to be had by missing jumps. It’s sadder for me, considering the sheer amount of platforming I’ve done in my life vs. RPGs. Also, Kratos is one of the few video game characters I could hear monologue constantly and not get bored.

    Oh God yes, God Hand is so amazing, but hard. Have fun with that one!

  11. Hey Baka-Raptor you happen to give challenge of the gods a try?

    The last level on that is by far the most soul crushing experience of a video game I can remember in recent times. On what is essential a 2 minute level if you do it properly turned into a 3 hour marathon as I died and restarted countless times.

    2 Satyrs and 3 cerberus pups + small platform = hardest thing ever.

  12. I know this is unrelated and feel free to delete it, but @ your poll, review GodHand. I reallllly wanna see what you say about it. All the other games are great, but we all know everything about what everyone thinks about them. I wanna get an unbiased review of the battle system (especially on hard) and see what you think

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