Hail to thee, Kamp Umineko no Naku Koro ni

After waking up from a dream about destroying Springfield Elementary School Kyoto Animation, Bart Baka-Raptor joins Lisa [your name here] warpshadow, halfadeckshort, and Alejo at the breakfast table, where they excitedly discuss spending the summer at Kamp Krusty Umineko no Naku Koro ni, a summer camp run by Krusty the Clown Studio DEEN.

A week later, the children fans of Springfield Higurashi all leave home for Kamp Krusty Umineko no Naku Koro ni. Once there, the camp’s director, Mr. Black Chiaki Kon, announces that Krusty Higurashi will not be coming to the camp for some time. Kamp Krusty Umineko no Naku Koro ni quickly turns out to be a nightmare. The cabins plot falls apart, the lake pacing is too dangerous uneven to swim in be coherent, and the kids viewers are fed nothing but Krusty Studio DEEN Brand Imitation Gruel Umineko (“Nine out of ten orphans can’t tell the difference”). Bart Baka-Raptor survives each day with the unwavering hope that Krusty Higurashi will come, also repeating the phrase “Krusty’s Higurashi’s coming, Krusty’s Higurashi’s coming” and so on.

In an attempt to keep the children viewers complacent, Mr. Black Chiaki Kon announces to the campers that Krusty Higurashi has finally come, but it’s only local drunk Barney Gumble Bernkastel badly dressed as Krusty Rika. Bart Baka-Raptor finally snaps; he leads the campers in rebellion, driving out Mr. Black Chiaki Kon and establishing Camp Bart Baka-Raptor. Krusty Ryukishi07 arrives at the camp to apologize to the kids viewers, saying that he was bribed to approve the camp adaptation. To make it up to the children viewers, Krusty Studio DEEN takes all the kids viewers to “the happiest place on Earth” Tijuana, Mexico Umineko no Naku Koro ni Episode 26. The episode ends with a montage of the kids Baka-Raptor having an excellent time.

Episode 26 was amazing. I knew my faith would pay off. The only thing that could’ve made this episode better was a Maria-beating scene, which I decided to handle personally:

After I beat up Maria, Beatrice materialized in front of me. Without Maria to believe in her, Beatrice had no choice but to acknowledge defeat. Then she started humping me. Unsure whether she’d reached the statutory age of consent, I asked Beatrice to proffer two forms of government-issued photo ID. She didn’t have any. However, she did say in red, “I am at least 18 years old.” That would never hold up in court, so I firmly rejected her. Beatrice understood.

Overall, Umineko falls far short of Higurashi (as does nearly every other anime), but every so often, you do see rays of Higurashi-level brilliance shining through.

Final Grade: ++

The first three commenters to suck up to me get to be immortalized in the [your name here] part of this shitty filler post. Any commenter who bitches about my raping of the Kamp Krusty plot will get censored.

35 people love sucking up to me

  1. The simpsons have been stealing part of your biography to make their episodes? No wonder they were the best show of the 90s.

  2. You know every three months, I have a Jurassic Park related dream despite not having watched Jurassic Park for over two years. Last night I had one where I was spared by the Raptors in Jurassic Park via giving them superpowers with, I kid you not, “THE POWER OF FAN-FICTION”. But dreaming about destroying Kyoto Animation is pretty badass too. But Baka-Raptor, any dream that has dinosaurs in it increases in awesome as I get older. Since finding out about your website the Raptors in my dreams have become less killy-rippy-eatey and actually negotiating with me for some reason.

    I blame you as the sole person responsible for making my recurring dream about having to escape Jurassic Park less of a nightmare each time it happens.

    Oh, and you should totally review some vintage anime like Tezuka’s short films and Tatsuo Yoshida’s Speed Racer. If you’re tired of moe they might be what the doctor ordered.

    To sum it up, stay out of my dreams in reptilian form, Baka-Raptor.

  3. In my point, Umineko is the most decent series this season, other than A Certain Teleporting Lesbian. Once again in the history of forever, our interests coincided.

    • I think the problem is that none of them (Clare, Yuuko, Future Mikuru, Beatrice) ever seem to carry purses.

      In any case, make sure all your forms of ID are listed on page 5 of the Form I-9. If it’s not on the list, I won’t accept it, just to be safe.

  4. Yeahhhhhhhhh, definitely didn’t watch umineko no koro ni @ all. Not even episode 1. I’ve been a bad chitty cat haha.

  5. While you may worry about Beatrice being 18 where I come from Beatrice is good to go as long as she’s at least 16 and I didn’t have contact with her over the Internet.

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