I’ve walked by Italian Village Pizza so many times and yet never tried it. Is it really that orgasmically good? – Kabitzin
Kabitzin’s poor taste isn’t limited to pizza. What was he thinking when he named his blog? Sea slugs are lame. They lack mantle cavities, and their eyes are able to discern little more than light and dark. Perverts like Kabitzin only like sea slugs because they’re hermaphroditic. That pronoun was intentionally ambiguous.
Kabitzin has no taste in mascots. He made his mascot the only thing stupider than sea slugs: a girl with sea slugs in her hair. Is my mascot a girl with Baka-Raptor in her hair? No, because that’s stupid. Then he named his mascot Nama-ko—which means sea cucumber, not sea slug—to indicate that Nama-ko is ashamed of her heritage. What’s even sadder is that Kabitzin had to commission practically every image of Nama-ko ever drawn. Never mind that he spends lavishly on art when he can’t even spare $4 for two large slices of pizza and a 16-ounce soft drink. A man who has to pay for his mascot will never have the mascot of the people. You can’t buy love. My two crappy sketches of Nama-ko constitute half of the worldwide body of Nama-ko “fan” art. They’re priceless uncommissioned treasures that Kabitzin will cherish for the rest of his life.
Kabitzin has no taste in co-authors. All of his recent hires suck at everything:
Zyl is a huge pussy who won’t carry out the vague threats he made against me two years ago.
Hellomotto has atrocious grammar.
Jesus159159159 arguably violates the Third Commandment. He also likes K-ON, the worst anime ever.
at haiku and poetry
even more than me
Epi is an anagram for pie.
Kabitzin has no taste in tagging schemes, and he sucks at math. His most common tag is “Random Stuff,” which is so random that it’s probabilistically expected to appear on only 97% of his pages.
No Shiznat tag? Not even a lesbians tag? What sort of weird, sick, strange, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff is this guy into? I tried stalking his Twitter page for answers, only to find out it was “protected.”
It’s not so shocking that Kabitzin glues asses, lugs asses, and is “gel us” of asses. What the anagrams don’t reveal is that he admits to forgery, and unlike myself, whose sportsmanship and purity of heart are unquestionable, Kabitzin taunts his opponents. Not cool. I took all this incriminating evidence to a forensic sketch artist and got the following picture:
All the evidence proved beyond a reasonable doubt that Kabitzin is an evil hermaphrodite with no taste and crappy math skills, yet something still felt unsettling. Then I rediscovered this:
Kabitzin was a central figure in the circle jerk that humiliated me two years ago. If only I could get revenge somehow…
On a completely unrelated note, I’ve made it to the Sweet Sixteen in some anime blog circle-jerk popularity contest. I have no idea who I’m up against, but regardless of who it is, I ask only that you look deep inside your soul and vote for the more deserving candidate.
Tags: anagrams, crappy paint, Crappy Sketches, dogs with bees in their mouths so when they bark they shoot bees, get thee to a punnery, hermaphrodites, meta is bullshit, obscure simpsons reference, or is it?, reference to something other than the simpsons, sea slugs! anime blog, sleazy attack ads, the squirrel hill branch of italian village pizza makes the best pizza in the universe, themes of hatred-suffering-revenge, TO RULE THEM ALL, winning a circle-jerk popularity contest is more important than recovering my eyesight