Baka-Raptor goes to Washington

As promised in a post that self-destructed as promised, I attended the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear. The first step: driving to Citi Field.

I’d been meaning to ditch my old car for quite a while, but cheapness and that fact that I have nobody to impress kept getting in my way.

Then I saw this:

Terrible aim, as usual

You know, I used to think a car was just a way of getting from point A to point B—and on weekends, point C. But that was the old me. That man died the moment I laid eyes on a 1979 2007 Honda Accord.

What’s the point in having a Honda if you can’t show it off?

Time to dish out some internet justice on the dealerships I visited.

Nardy Honda: The dealership I bought my car from. As clean of a dealership as you’re ever going to see. No gimmicks, no bullshit, except for their finance manager, who made a noble attempt to keep fear alive when he was trying to sell me an extended warranty.

Westbury Toyota: A pretty clean dealership. Courteous salespeople, upfront pricing, and no hidden fees. They gave me the old “we don’t know how long these offers will last!” line when I was walking away; otherwise nothing gimmicky. I would’ve been cool with buying there if I decided on a Toyota.

Huntington Honda: Courteous salespeople, but gimmicky pricing schemes. They throw in irrelevant crap “for free” with every purchase. They offer 0% financing on new cars, but they jack the interest into the sticker price. They’re kind enough to match your down payment up to $3000 on used cars, but that’s after they raise the sticker price by $3000. Do people actually fall for this?

Huntington Toyota: DO NOT buy from these assholes. Don’t even bother visiting them, unless you’re a masochist, or if you’re seeking employment and aspire to be a professional cock juggler. My visit went something like this:

Baka-Raptor: Hello, I’d like to test drive the 2010 Toyota Camry.

Salesman: Certainly! Please have a seat at this table. Which model were you looking at?

Baka-Raptor: The base model.

Salesman: Wouldn’t you rather look at the Camry LE? It’s our most popular model! It has POWER SEATS and KEYLESS ENTRY! Plus it’ll have a resale value $2000 higher than the base model!

Baka-Raptor: Ummm…not when it’s more than a few years old. In any case, power seats and keyless entry aren’t worth the difference in price to me. I’d rather look at the base model.

Salesman: Of course! As you know, we have an obscure-holiday sale going on right now. We’re offering the car for a super low price of $20,595!

Baka-Raptor: …but your ad says $19,395.

Salesman: Yes, that’s the price without the fees. Let me explain. We have an $800 destination fee, a $350 administrative fee, and a $350 bullshit fee. So the price is actually $20,895! $20,595 is a bargain! Now, would you rather pay $20,895 or $20,595?

Baka-Raptor: Well, obviously I want to pay less, which is why—

Salesman: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, that was a JOKE! Buddy, you need to lighten up!

Baka-Raptor: [blank stare]

Salesman: Come on, $20,595. How about it?

Baka-Raptor: I got a much better price quote online from another dealership.

Salesman: Listen, no dealer advertises their prices with fees included. When you add the fees to their prices, they’ll come out to much more.

Baka-Raptor: I don’t believe there were fees on top of—

Salesman: What price will get you to drive home in a Camry today?

Baka-Raptor: I have no idea. I haven’t even test driven the car yet. Can I please test drive the car now?

Salesman: Fine, let me go jerk off in the back room.

15 minutes later…

Salesman: Sorry, we’re actually closing now, so you can’t test drive today. But you weren’t going to buy today anyway, so it’s no big deal. Just stop by anytime for a test drive! We’ll have FREE DOUGHNUTS for you!

Anyway, I drove my new car to Citi Field, home of the fourth most successful baseball franchise in New York history.

I arrived at 5:30 AM. The Huffington Post said the buses would depart at 6:00 AM. My bus didn’t leave until 7:10 AM. The Huffington Post said the buses would arrive at 11:00. The rally started at 12:00. My bus didn’t arrive until 12:50. Conclusion: never trust anything written on The Huffington Post.

There were about 10,000 people taking 200+ buses sponsored by The Huffington Post. Since they were running late, I pushed and shoved to get on the first bust I could find and beat an old man to the second to last seat. The old man started whining because the last available seat was next to the onboard restroom. I taunted him for being such a bitch, and he ended up leaving the bus.

As mentioned in the post that self-destructed as mentioned, I was worried about having to survive a 5-hour bus ride next to a hippie. The girl I ended up sitting next to didn’t seem like much of a hippie, but she was a little chubby, so I ignored her all the same. Freedom was mine when the bus arrived at RFK stadium.

RFK stadium was about three miles from the rally site. I would’ve walked to the rally if the bus had arrived on time, but since it was almost two hours late, I saved a little time by cramming my way onto the overcrowded subway, or as they call it in Washington, the Metro. As any motivational speaker will tell you, the Chinese character for crisis also represents opportunity, or in my case, gropportunity. Sadly, nobody within my gradius was worth groping.

Since the Metro was crowded, it took me half an hour to get to the rally site. The rally was even more crowded, so it took about twenty more minutes to get to an open spot all the way in the back.

See the stage? Neither could I. I could barely make out the banner.

The first skit I was able to see was the song. Luckily, it was one of the best.

Jon and Stephen – “I’m More American Than You”
Rally to Restore Sainty and/or Fear The Daily Show The Colbert Report

The only way I could follow the show was through the JumboTrons, which weren’t much closer than the stage. The bigger problem was the sound. I could hear most of what Colbert was saying (since he was yelling the whole time), but I could barely hear Stewart. It didn’t help that police cars and ambulances with were cutting across the street in front of me during Stewart’s closing speech.

To recap: I couldn’t see the stage, I only made it in time for the second half of the show, and I could only hear about half of that half. Guess I got what I paid for. The bus was free, and the only money Washington got out of me was $1.85 for a one-way Metro ticket (I walked back) and $3.00 for a “Polish” “sausage” from a street vendor. To end on a positive note, a bunch of people who came down on the Huffington Post buses were apparently staying in Washington, so I scored a seat with nobody next to me on the way back.

All things considered, it was worth the trip, and not just because I had nothing better to do. A lot of the stuff that seemed awesome in person seemed kind of lame when I rewatched it online. There were a lot of cool signs and costumes in the crowd, though none were so amazing that I had to take a picture (no, not even the Tobi cosplayer). Now for some pictures I didn’t take:

I’ve now seen Maddox, Ron Paul, John Stossel, Jon Stewart, and Stephen Colbert live. Do I have anything left to look forward to in life? I no longer plan on leaving my house ever again (except for work), which is convenient, since my eyes are still screwed up and I don’t feel like going anywhere. If you wanted to meet me, too bad, you missed the best opportunity you’ll ever have.