A Winner is Me

Look at that, I won my fantasy football league. How nice. I’d be lying if I said that being a winner all my life hasn’t desensitized me to the once intoxicating pleasure of seeing others struggle with all their might only to fall haplessly before my feet. Still, I feel satisfied in fulfilling the social obligation of an elite: to give those less talented a reason to get out of bed in the morning, that is, teasing them with the dream of avenging their devastating and systematic abuse by my hands. Who was it that I beat again? I’ve forgotten already…let’s see here…

St. Kadian Bombers (Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne, Ray Rice): Kadian’s team was strong on paper. However, a free psychic consultation revealed that Kadian was Jack the Ripper in a previous life, and his bad karma carried into the fantasy football league. Early bad luck led him to frequently change his roster, which coupled with even more bad luck to snowball into a maelstrom of despair and failure. After his humiliating yet uncanny loss to the god awful Texas Angel Bullies, Kadian cut all his players. Only Glo was foolish enough to pick one up, if only briefly, thereby contracting the Kadian Kurse and assuring his fated demise.

Texas Angel Bullies (Drew Brees, Brandon Marshall, Maurice Jones-Drew): Jubbz ran the laziest team ever. Holy shit. He only altered his lineup about three times all season. He regularly started players on bye. Twice when he did change his lineup, he left Jermichael Finley in, even though he’d been on IR for weeks. AND HE WAS THE COMMISSIONER. His “excuse” was that he was also playing in another league. I can’t believe he actually won three games. It’s probably the most impressive feat in the entire league all season.

Angry Rabbits (Tom Brady, Desean Jackson, Adrian Peterson): RP wasted no time in turning his #1 draft pick into the highest scoring team in the league. Cocky and undefeated as he was when we first matched up, RP demanded that I write an ode to him if he went undefeated throughout the season. I replied that I’d sing an ode to him if he went undefeated. I went into the Monday night game with a 10 point lead. He had Tom Brady. I had Randy Moss. Tom Brady put up 10.72 points. Randy Moss put up 0.00 points and got kicked out of town. RP got the win, but the stage was set to beat him the next time around. Unfortunately, Kadian of all people got to him first. I guess his season wasn’t a complete failure after all.

Yandere for Tsundere (Philip Rivers, Andre Johnson, Arian Foster): Shinmaru had a solid team with one glaring weakness: the Houston Texans. He who lives by the Texans dies by the Texans. Early in the season, he was starting Matt Schaub, Andre Johnson, and Arian Foster all at the same time. Come on, the first rule of investment is to diversify. You’ll do great if the Texans play well, but if they suck (big if), you’re screwed. Eventually he caught on and started Rivers, but the Chargers aren’t exactly a model of reliability either. Overall, he was a good barometer for the league. He never lost to anyone with a worse record, he beat everyone at least once, and good teams found ways to beat him, like my team, which beat him three times, including the playoffs.

Eye Sedso (Michael Vick, Calvin Johnson, Chris Johnson): Glo had a mediocre record in the league overall, but it was the team that posed the greatest threat to me. He never figured out why because he’s a stupid art student, but anyone with a basic understanding of statistics can put it together. My QB was Aaron Rodgers; he had Greg Jennings (who he didn’t play in the finals, even after seeing how I OWNED Shinmaru by playing my Vincent Jackson over his Philip Rivers). My top WR and RB were Roddy White and Michael Turner; he had Matt Bryant, the Falcons kicker. Get it yet? Points going to my top QB, WR, and RB were being sucked away by players on his team. Meanwhile, he had explosive players in Michael Vick and Chris Johnson to make up the difference. It was like he’d tailored the perfect team to destroy me, except he was too engrossed watching Motto To Love-Ru to realize it. I honestly thought he was paying attention during Week 6, when his team named “Rape” defeated my team named “Public Rape.” Oh well. Now he has to watch Aria as punishment.

Glo’s favorite number is 69

Enough about these guys. Let’s talk about me. My regulars for the season were:

QB: Aaron Rodgers, Ben Roethlisberger

RB: Michael Turner, Jamaal Charles, Darren McFadden

WR: Randy Moss, Roddy White, Malcom Floyd/Vincent Jackson, Terrell Owens

TE: Dallas Clark/Jacob Tamme

K: Nate Kaeding

DEF: New Orleans, New York Jets

Some of my crappier part-time members included Pierre Garcon, Donald Driver, Hines Ward, San Francisco DEF, New England DEF, and New York Giants DEF.

My regular season results:

I started out with the fifth pick. A loser might complain about such trivialities. My top QB got two concussions. My top WR was the biggest bust of the season. My effective top WR was on the same team as my top RB. My second RB got shafted by split carries. My top TE went on IR. Even my K got injured. I never expected to put up the most points, so I kept my game strategic. My goal was to combine statistical analysis, portfolio management, and smack talk to confuse, intimidate, and trap my opponents into making foolish roster moves. It worked just as planned.

See that Points Against total? Do you see that? This is a statistic many would assume I have no control over, yet, over 13 games, I averaged 10 points lower than my nearest competitor and 21 points a game lower than the highest team in the league. My average point differential was 18.66 (18.02%). My team the only one with those stats being at least 18, making my team a true extension of myself.

If you currently see me as cold and calculating, you may be shocked to learn that my team was full of heart and love and stuff. You see, the MVP of my season was Randy Moss. Yeah, that Randy Moss, the one who got traded from every team except my own. He screwed me over quite a few times, but I never gave up on him. I refused to cut or trade him. Eventually I noticed a peculiar trend: as long as he remained on my bench, my team never lost. I ended the season with eight consecutive victories, including the playoffs, all thanks to Randy Moss being some kind of suck sink who sucked all the suck from my starters to the bench. In classic supervillain fashion, I arrogantly revealed this hidden source of power to Glo right before our final battle. I still won.

45 people love sucking up to me

    • I never thought I’d see the day, but right now Eli Manning isn’t the most annoying QB in the NFL. Then again, I suppose it’ll only be one more game until Favre is out and it’s him again.

    • I think it’s all in the name (jocks always win). You should’ve called yourself ‘Rabid Rabbits’, those opponents would’ve run like screaming Sotobans.

        • Haha, not quite. I meant the inhabitants of Sotoba, which is the name of the town where the hyped-up series that will disappoint you the least is set. Hope you enjoy it (if it’s still winning when your poll closes, that is)!

      • You have to watch Drrr!!, but be warned that you might go gay for one of the main characters. Yes, he is that awesome. And yes, even you.

  1. Your eight game winning streak was just one short of my nine game losing streak to end the season. Knocking off RP’s undefeated streak was literally the last meaningful thing my team did. But in all seriousness, the problem with my team was that my RBs rarely produced on the weeks I played them, at least poorly in comparison to the 20-30 point games your guys’ RBs were getting. I can only make up so many points with a hot kicker.

    • Let’s just put it this way: during your losing streak, your lowest opponent’s score was a 103.18, that was the greatest margin of victory during the streak (103.18-65.70), and that opponent was me. So, you had some shitty luck, sure. At the same time, you lost some psychological battles, the same kind I was winning, which is the other half of why I had a points against average 21 points lower than yours. You were the one taking risks instead of forcing your opponents to take them. Not only were you not smack talking, you’d type in timid excuses at the end of each match. Someone needs to watch Moshidora.

    • He was the only one with a winning record against me in the regular season, so I had to beat him in the finals to make my season complete. He was also my first opponent, so it was poetic in that sense too.

  2. I was silly and stupid. I put too much faith in my NY Giants and over-thought everything. I decided to bench Jennings during the last meeting because I was hopeful that my Giants would hold him to little production. Jennings went on to get me over 14 points….if I had started him. Of course, it didn’t help me that Michael Vick, Chris Johnson and every player who isn’t a TE for the Patriots decided to shit the bed in that final week…not only for my team in this league, but for my team in my other league, which was 1st seeded going into the finals. I lost in my other league by 0.42 points. Stings.

    I really botched that final. Still, considering I missed the draft, I’m glad that I was at least able to snatch 2nd place (not really). It sucks too, because I missed my opportunity for the perfect gloating. Maybe next year.

    Two recap, out of the two leagues I was in, I made the finals in both of them (and dominated the whole season for one of them). I then lost in both of finals matches. Last year in Hockey I did the same thing, I dominated and lost unexpectedly in the finals. Apparently, I just can’t get that gold.

    Motto To LOVE-ru sucked cock.

  3. Was this something similar to the aniblog tourney or something?
    Same as Mushyrulez I didn’t get what you meant 😐

    Btw Baka Raptor,are you gonna make a post like “Best Animes of the Decade”?

    • Oh boy, let’s see how well I can explain this in my own words. Fantasy football is an online game in which players manage virtual (or “fantasy”) football teams in a virtual (or “fantasy”) football league. Instead of playing the games interactively like in a typical sports video game, the outcome of the game is determined by the results of real life sports games. The game is all about predicting how well different players around the real life league will do each week. Depending on the stats your players collect in real games they played in that week, you’re awarded a certain number of points in your fantasy games. It’s all a game of numbers. For example, if your player scored a touchdown, you’ll get 6 points. If your defense intercepted a pass, you’ll get 2 points. You get to mix and match players from different teams. A typical game looks something like this.

  4. Theres some defensive end out there named Steve Bowen. I see he is not on your fantasy team. Ah well, some guy who played high school football with him said he wasnt so tough to begin with.

  5. Fantasy football. Never understood the appeal of fantasy sports and such, but congrats nevertheless. I’m just happy someone else is now going to watch Aria.

    • This was my first year playing. Well, technically it was my second. My first year was so long ago that my kicker was Brad Daluiso, who retired in 2001. It was one of the first years fantasy football was available, I had no idea what it was, and I ignored it after I signed up. But knowing me, I probably won that year too.

      The whole plan was to get Glo to finish watching Aria, didn’t you know?

      • Skelton isn’t really that bad from what I’ve seen/my friend who is a huge Cards fan (come hell or high water which is more than we can say for the official Cardinals forum). My friend’s issue with the team right now seems to be the offensive line. As he says, the team “uses the latest in holographic technology to produce the illusion of an offensive line”.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *