“I work as a _______!”
Nobody cares. You hear this shit from teachers, firefighters, teachers, priests, teachers, doctors, teachers, soldiers, teachers, and everyone else who thinks their job makes them better than everyone else.
“My daddy/husband/uncle/godfather is a cop!”
Too bad your daddy wasn’t the one who pulled you over. Pay up.
“I volunteer at _______ and donate to _______!”
People who flaunt their good deeds to get out of trouble are the dregs of society.
“Look at all this Good Samaritan bullshit I’m wearing!”
Rather than wearing a suit to court, why not dig through your closet too see if you still have that t-shirt from the breast cancer walkathon you attended three years ago? Just to be safe, put on a Korean War veteran’s cap and a Livestrong bracelet. Congratulations, you’re a fully equipped Level 99 Asshole!
“It was impossible for the car to go that fast!”
“I came to a full stop and counted to three!”
“I was just keeping pace with traffic! I was singled out!”
How many times do you think someone else was singled out while you got away? Suck it up.
“It’s my first ticket!”
“The state’s just trying to make money!”
You can spend a few days in jail instead of paying a fine. It even costs the state money! Funny how nobody takes it.
“I was on my way to a funeral/soccer practice/veterinarian/etc.”
Nobody gives a shit. If you hit someone because you ran a red light, do you think they’d care where you were going?
“I can’t afford this ticket!” – BMW owner
Then sell your car, dumbass. Why would anyone who isn’t legitimately rich buy a luxury car anyway?
“I can’t afford this ticket, I have kids to feed!”
It’s hard to feel sorry for someone who’s getting laid more than I am.
“I’m only pleading guilty because I can’t waste any more on this!”
No, you’re a petty bitch who’s trying to saving face in front of people you’ll never see again.