How to be a Bitch in Traffic Court

“I work as a _______!”

Nobody cares. You hear this shit from teachers, firefighters, teachers, priests, teachers, doctors, teachers, soldiers, teachers, and everyone else who thinks their job makes them better than everyone else.

“My daddy/husband/uncle/godfather is a cop!”

Too bad your daddy wasn’t the one who pulled you over. Pay up.

“I volunteer at _______ and donate to _______!”

People who flaunt their good deeds to get out of trouble are the dregs of society.

“Look at all this Good Samaritan bullshit I’m wearing!”

Rather than wearing a suit to court, why not dig through your closet too see if you still have that t-shirt from the breast cancer walkathon you attended three years ago? Just to be safe, put on a Korean War veteran’s cap and a Livestrong bracelet. Congratulations, you’re a fully equipped Level 99 Asshole!

“It was impossible for the car to go that fast!”

BULLLLLSHIIIIIIT

“I came to a full stop and counted to three!”

BULLLLLSHIIIIIIT

“I was just keeping pace with traffic! I was singled out!”

How many times do you think someone else was singled out while you got away? Suck it up.

“It’s my first ticket!”

See above.

“The state’s just trying to make money!”

You can spend a few days in jail instead of paying a fine. It even costs the state money! Funny how nobody takes it.

“I was on my way to a funeral/soccer practice/veterinarian/etc.”

Nobody gives a shit. If you hit someone because you ran a red light, do you think they’d care where you were going?

“I can’t afford this ticket!” – BMW owner

Then sell your car, dumbass. Why would anyone who isn’t legitimately rich buy a luxury car anyway?

“I can’t afford this ticket, I have kids to feed!”

It’s hard to feel sorry for someone who’s getting laid more than I am.

“I’m only pleading guilty because I can’t waste any more on this!”

No, you’re a petty bitch who’s trying to saving face in front of people you’ll never see again.

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16 teachers are shitty drivers

  1. Guy says:

    “I can’t afford this ticket, I have kids to feed!”

    It’s hard to feel sorry for someone who’s getting laid more than I am.

    LOL

    • Baka-Raptor says:

      I first used this line on a “pregnant” panhandler who set up shop near my college. She kept saying she was “pregnant” for like 3 years. Someone had to tell her fat ass off.

  2. rifter says:

    So were you representing someone, or is your firm being contracted to provide counsel?

    • Baka-Raptor says:

      I’m a part-time prosecutor. I put up with this bullshit all day long, thankfully only two days a week.

  3. moridin84 says:

    I work as a [Programer developing loyalty systems]!

    That 10th coffee you got free at Starbucks? Those 100 points on that your tesco loyalty card? Without people like me THEY WOULDN’T EXIST!

  4. duwaduwadan says:

    Pay a fine or nap for a few days in jail? A slacker would make the right choice.

    As far as not being able to afford a ticket, I do think that it’s unjust that everyone pays the same amount for traffic violations regardless of income. We could take a note from Switzerland.

    • Baka-Raptor says:

      Whoa, you can get six figures for a speeding ticket over there? That’s class warfare! Cops will only go after rich people instead of only going after poor people!

      The biggest cost of getting a ticket is getting your insurance rates jacked up. Richer people tend to pay more for insurance, so there’s some justice there.

  5. wtfbbq says:

    How about writing a piece about how bogus traffic tickets are to begin with? Yeah, people bitch and moan about them, but let’s be honest… traffic tickets are bullshit and 90% of the traffic laws are bullshit (let’s continue to enforce speeds like 35 mph which were instituted before the era of automatic brakes when horse buggies ruled the roads). That 90% figure is a statistical FACT, by the way.

    • Baka-Raptor says:

      Post(s) forthcoming.

      There’s plenty of bullshit to be called on all sides. I’m just getting the prosecutor hate out while I still have it. (It’s only a matter of time before I quit.)

  6. Baito Senshi says:

    I wish prosecutors in my country wouldn’t take that bullshit but… Where I live more that half of those lines actually work 9 out of 10 times.

  7. Muzozavr says:

    [“I was just keeping pace with traffic! I was singled out!”

    How many times do you think someone else was singled out while you got away? Suck it up.]

    That sounds like a really shitty response, actually. I don’t even drive, but if I would, I would’ve been pissed to hear that. I know what you want to say but it comes across as shitty double standards instead. Here’s a better way (IMO) to phrase the same idea, partially stolen from Sonic Retro:

    “Breaking rules is a gamble – don’t whine if you lose, and don’t whine if somebody else wins, either. Pay up.”

    I know it’s just a phrasing issue but I really do think your version was a bit on the double standard side of things.

    Everything else, however, was spot on and awesome to read. I love the “You can spend a few days in jail instead of paying a fine” line, that’s just comedy gold.

    • Baka-Raptor says:

      I imagine most of these would piss motorists off, not that I have any problem with it. Your version is fine too. You could also use the old “if everyone else jumped off a bridge” argument.

  8. FRP says:

    I should tell my brother to get a gig doing part time prosecution, but he is tired of law after working IP.

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