Anime characters who are almost as cool as me


Yang Wenli

Yang Wenli of Legend of Galactic Heroes is the prototypical lazy tactician. His room is a mess, he never wakes up on time, and he's not afraid to quit. Even his nicknames are lazy:

"Miracle Yang"

"Yang the Magician"

"The Hero of El Facil" (The Hero of The Easy)

Yang just wanted to study history, retire early, and collect his pension. The poor guy never wanted to be a hero, but when you have blue hair in an 80's anime, it's not like you have a choice.

Why I'm Cooler:

He's afraid of being corrupted by power. Pussy...

Overall Coolness Rating:

Hatred 2/10
Violence 7/10
Cleverness 10/10
Slacking 10/10
Attitude 10/10
TOTAL 39/50

PJ

PJ: Legendary slacker by day, badass DJ by night. Girls want him; guys want to be him.

Scientists claim that desertification threatens the world's food supply. Wrong, PJ threatens the world's food supply.

PJ is always the first one out of the classroom. Other than that, he only expends energy under the following circumstances:

Why I'm Cooler:

PJ is a side character on Parappa the Rapper, perhaps the shittiest animated program ever to come out of Japan. I'm talking the dreaded ~~~ range. It's only redeeming quality is it's disproportionately amazing intro:

Overall Coolness Rating:

Hatred 0/10
Violence 1/10
Cleverness 5/10
Slacking 10/10
Attitude 10/10
TOTAL 26/50

Alice, Athena, and Maa

Since Alice was already profiled brilliantly on THAT animeblog, I'll skip the background info and just throw in a few screenshots. Look how cute she is:

You could crack a diamond on that chibi face.

Nobody can beat Alice.

Athena-senpai, why am I so cool?

Complementing Alice is her roommate and mentor Athena, one of the three elite gondoliers in Neo-Venezia. Athena comes off as a clumsy space case, all the while kicking ass from the shadows.

That brings us to Maa, the mascot for Alice and Athena's company. Don't be fooled by her size – Maa-kun brings the pain.

Why I'm Cooler:

Alice: She mouths off to Athena.

Athena: She doesn't beat Alice for mouthing off.

Maa: Great potential, but still just a kid.

Overall Coolness Rating:

Hatred 9/10
Violence 3/10
Cleverness 8/10
Slacking 3/10
Attitude 9/10
ALICE 32/50
Hatred 1/10
Violence 1/10
Cleverness 9/10
Slacking 10/10
Attitude 9/10
ATHENA 30/50
Hatred 8/10
Violence 10/10
Cleverness 6/10
Slacking 7/10
Attitude 10/10
MAA 41/50

Note: Take the max from each category and you're left with a stellar 48/50.


Haruhi & Kyon

I never get Lucky Star jokes. In episode 12 there was a punchline about how phone cards featuring Kyon's image failed to sell because he's unpopular. This joke didn't make any sense to me, because Kyon is by far the best character on The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya.


I'd buy a Kyoncard™

Kyon isn't just almost as cool as me; he's almost as witty, sarcastic, and gloomy too. He's bored with people, possesses a first-class bullshit detector, harbors healthy sexual desires without acting like a moron, and has a sigh that could rattle the dead.

On top of all that, Kyon had such a killer line during the show's climax it was almost criminal.

I don't think Haruhi isn't as cool as Kyon, but from a statistical standpoint, she's on the same level. Haruhi knows how to get what she wants, even if it means being violent, deceitful, or usually both. She can do pretty much anything well, just like me. Also like myself, Haruhi thinks that her website is tragically underappreciated.

Why I'm Cooler:

Kyon: His heart is in the right place, but at the end of the day, he's Haruhi's bitch.

Haruhi: She's a hypocrite. Although she claims that people suck, she's willing to give any guy a chance, even if it's only for five minutes. What a waste of time. She should just give up on people and spend time working on her website.

Overall Coolness Rating:

Hatred 8/10
Violence 4/10
Cleverness 10/10
Slacking 7/10
Attitude 10/10
KYON 39/50
Hatred 9/10
Violence 8/10
Cleverness 9/10
Slacking 7/10
Attitude 6/10
HARUHI 39/50

Yoichi Hiruma

Back during Season 1, I stated that Hiruma may very well be the most badass character in the history of anime. After some careful consideration, I would now like to retract that statement and issue a new one: Hiruma is definitely the most badass character in the history of anime. The guns, the manipulation, the devilish aura, and even a white suit:

It all screams badass. Especially his entrance in episode 79, holy shit, that's got to be the coolest thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

Why I'm Cooler:

He sucks at kicking.

Overall Coolness Rating:

Hatred 10/10
Violence 10/10
Cleverness 10/10
Slacking 10/10
Attitude 10/10
TOTAL 50/50

Kakashi Hatake

Kakashi is the second laziest ninja ever.

Why I'm Cooler:

Overall Coolness Rating:

Hatred 7/10
Violence 10/10
Cleverness 10/10
Slacking 10/10
Attitude 10/10
TOTAL 47/50

Chikaru Minamoto

Chikaru is a winner. Despite having black hair (the least flashy hair color in anime) and displaying no lesbian tendencies, she still managed to beat out Shizuma to be the coolest character on Strawberry Panic. What makes her stand out? The difference between Chikaru and the other girls is that Chikaru knows how to handle herself. She kicks ass at everything and never cries or bitches when things don't go her way (which is never).

Chikaru is so lazy that she was elected president of Lilim, the lazy school. She has to attend student council meetings, which might be a pain if she didn't have the quintessential slacker's talent of contributing nothing and letting everyone else do all the work.

Whereas other popular characters on Strawberry Panic are stalked by rabid fangirls, Chikaru is worshipped by devoted minions. Chikaru recruits the most loyal ones into the "Henshin Club", also known as the "Transformation Club" and the "I'm Chikaru's Bitch Club". Basically, Chikaru tells them what to do, and they do it.

Even the girl with the teddy bear isn't as lame as she should be when she's next to Chikaru.

Why I'm Cooler:

I'm sure that she's hateful and violent. She just never got the chance to show it.

Overall Coolness Rating:

Hatred 5/10
Violence 5/10
Cleverness 10/10
Slacking 10/10
Attitude 10/10
TOTAL 40/50

Shizuma Hanazono

Shizuma (aka Etoile) is the alpha lesbian of Strawberry Panic. Like any respectable alpha lesbian, she can easily seduce any girl, homosexual or otherwise. On a show that only has female characters, that can have devastating/hilarious consequences.

Shizuma always shirks her responsibilities and knows how to get away with it (see the previous paragraph). In her spare time, she's either having her way with someone or wallowing alone in her pent up bitterness.

Why I'm Cooler:

She's a pedophile.

Overall Coolness Rating:

Hatred 10/10
Violence 8/10
Cleverness 10/10
Slacking 10/10
Attitude 8/10
TOTAL 46/50

Anju Maaka

Like Black Cat's Eve and Jigoku Shoujo's Enma Ai, Anju is one of those good little girls who never talks or bothers anyone unless she's victimizing them. She feeds off negative emotions, frequently spaces out, and most importantly, she never laughs or smiles, ever.

Unlike her big sister Karin, Anju has all the usual vampire powers, and she's not afraid to use them. Combine that with her propensity to react violently to situations that piss her off, and you've got one badass little girl.

Why I'm Cooler:

She got lost once. I never get lost.

Overall Coolness Rating:

Hatred 10/10
Violence 10/10
Cleverness 9/10
Slacking 9/10
Attitude 10/10
TOTAL 48/50

Kintaro Oe

"Kintaro Oe, age 25. After studying law at Tokyo University, he left the school before graduation. Curiously enough however, he had already finished all the courses required for his degree. Since that time, he has roamed the land, changing jobs frequently as he studies the world around him. Riding his favorite bike, the Mikazuki V, he keeps moving forward, always on the lookout for new knowledge and adventure. And who knows? Perhaps someday, he may even save the world..."

Kintaro is a real man: he takes care of business and then leaves town forever without telling anyone. No sentimentality. No flashbacks. He just does whatever he wants and keeps the ball rolling.

Kintaro takes plenty of notes, but I'll forgive him, because his notebook is full of crappy sketches.

Why I'm Cooler:

He loves to work and study.

Overall Coolness Rating:

Hatred 8/10
Violence 9/10
Cleverness 10/10
Slacking 3/10
Attitude 10/10
TOTAL 40/50

L

You wanted L? There's your L. Now everyone can quit bitching about how Light made the list without his equally badass rival.

L is the brilliant detective from Death Note who risks his life to hunt down Kira/Light. Although he may superficially appear to be no match for Light, he's just as intelligent, violent, ruthless, and egotistical, not to mention an all-around pimp. Sure, he has a bunch of weird quirks, but that just makes him more lovable. Besides, I recently discovered that Sanzo and Natsuki both like mayonnaise in their ramen, so how can I take off points for solving crime while hunched over a slice of strawberry cake?

Why I'm Cooler:

Same problem as Light – no time to slack.

Overall Coolness Rating:

Hatred 10/10
Violence 10/10
Cleverness 15/10
Slacking 0/10
Attitude 10/10
TOTAL 45/50

Dark Sakura

"Dark Sakura, a rancorous and psychotic distortion of her normal self. In this form, her reasoning and emotions are severely impaired and she is indiscriminately destructive to everything around her. Dark Sakura has an unlimited supply of Mana... Her touch is highly corrosive, dissolving organic matter and converting the base elements into pure Mana. When an astral being, such as a Servant, comes into contract with Dark Sakura's shadows, that Servant's mentality is corrupted by her evil influence, while their offensive power is considerably augmented... Finally, Dark Sakura can spontaneously regenerate, allowing her to recover from mortal wounds within minutes of receiving them." - Wikipedia

Why I'm Cooler:

Since Dark Sakura only appears in the video game version of Fate/Stay Night, she technically isn't an anime character. Therefore, she's almost an anime character who's almost as cool as me.

Overall Coolness Rating:

Hatred ??/10
Violence ??/10
Cleverness ??/10
Slacking ??/10
Attitude ??/10
TOTAL 50/50

Chikane Himemiya

The perfect girl with a dark side – gotta love it. Did I mention it's a LESBIAN dark side? Chikane is the uncontested alpha lesbian of Kannazuki no Miko. Girls love her. Guys love her too, except for that dude with the chains who doesn't like girls with big tits. What a queer and/or pedophile.

Unfortunately for Chikane (but awesome for the viewers), she suppresses her homosexual urges until they explode in an inevitable angst-filled rampage. No, that's not a spoiler. You know it's coming; you just don't know when. Her "evil eye" makes it clear as day:

Why I'm Cooler:

Chikane doesn't slack up to her potential, but I'll give her credit for chilling in that garden and procrastinating the end of the world.

Overall Coolness Rating:

Hatred 10/10
Violence 10/10
Cleverness 10/10
Slacking 6/10
Attitude 10/10
TOTAL 46/50

Kurogane

In the very first episode of Tsubasa Chronicle, Kurogane gets banished to another dimension for mercilessly slaughtering his opponents on the battlefield. He also gets slapped with a curse that drains his power whenever he kills anybody. Pissed off and burning with vengeance, Kurogane aims to return to his world by teamimg up with Syaoran and Fai, both of whom have more fangirls than Kurogane. Does that piss anybody else off? First of all, if you prefer Syaoran, you're unquestionably a pedophile. As for Fai, well, he's about as gay as Big Gay Al.

Despite his rough exterior and aggressive personality, Kurogane is a reasonable guy. All he wants to do is go back home and kill people. Is that really asking too much?

Why I'm Cooler:

I can understand getting comically victimized by Yuko or even Fai, but Mokona? That's just pathetic.

Overall Coolness Rating:

Hatred 8/10
Violence 10/10
Cleverness 8/10
Slacking 6/10
Attitude 8/10
TOTAL 40/50

Mutsumi Otohime

Since everybody's seen Love Hina by now, there's no need to describe Mutsumi myself. I'll leave it to this guy:

"She loves a kotatsu, a watermelon, alcohol and hot springs. Otohime family have strange turtles named "hot spa turtle" and she can talk with one of the turtles named "Tama". She is very good at bowling. She had no experience of bowling, however, she got 300 points, the perfect score! She is very good at cooking, especially making chocolate. She is very superior but is very delicate and a blunderer so she failed the entrance examinations three times."

Elaborating on that "blunderer" point, she failed all three exams because she forgot to write her name on the test. Unlike those pansies Keitaro and Narusegawa however, she isn't the type to cry about it.

Why I'm Cooler:

Mutsumi is neither hateful nor violent. Normally you'd have to be at least one of those to make this list, but she won empathy points this morning when I got turned away at the doors to the LSAT because I didn't have a valid form of identification on hand. Those bastards at the LSAC require a non-expired ID with both a photo and a signature, like those actually exist. My CMU ID doesn't have a signature, my debit card has no picture, and my driver's license expired on my Bode Miller's birthday. Apparently that's proves I'm an identity thief. Either that or a blunderer. Now I have to get revenge the only way I can – by screwing up their painstakingly calculated score distribution with a perfect 180 on the February LSAT.

Overall Coolness Rating:

Hatred 1/10
Violence 1/10
Cleverness 10/10
Slacking 10/10
Attitude 10/10
TOTAL 32/50

Light Yagami

Light, the protagonist of Death Note, is disgusted with the widespread hypocrisy and immorality plaguing the world. One day he gets his hands on the Death Note, a mysterious notebook that gives him the power to kill people just by knowing their faces and names. Soon, Light begins using the Death Note to mass execute the world's most dangerous criminals, becoming an urban legend, a hero, and to some, even a god.

Light is arguably the most cunning anime character I've ever seen. It's not just because he has the wits to elude the world's greatest detectives. He's also a pimp. Light has an unrivaled talent for seducing women (which he only bothers doing when he can find a way to use them).

Just look at that unbelievably badass "evil eye". It's almost as good as mine. No wonder women can't resist him. When Light gets his game on, you know he means business.

Why I'm Cooler:

Just like Guts, he's caught in a constant life and death struggle. No time to slack.

Overall Coolness Rating:

Hatred 10/10
Violence 10/10
Cleverness 15/10
Slacking 0/10
Attitude 10/10
TOTAL 45/50

Guts

Name: Guts
Nickname: The Black Swordsman
Hair: Black
Eyes: Black
Sex: Male
Height: 6'4"
Weight: 190 lbs
Job: Mercenary
Sword: The Dragon Slayer
Arms: Cannons (one literally)
Expression: Irate
Place of birth: Under a tree hanging with corpses
List of creatures he hasn't slaughtered: {}
Favorite website: www.baka-raptor.com

Could he possibly be any manlier? Guts alone makes the entire cast of Blood+ look like a bunch of flower-picking hippies. Not only does Guts disembowel orphans and cripples on a regular basis, but he's the one who turns them into orphans and cripples in the first place.

I was just reading the first volume of the Berserk manga. Right off the bat, he uses his cannon to decapitate a chick he just had sex with. Then he walks into a bar. In case you've never heard a "Guts walks into a bar" joke, here's the punchline:

Why I'm Cooler:

Guts is constantly hunted by demons. No time to slack.

Overall Coolness Rating:

Hatred 10/10
Violence 20/10
Cleverness 5/10
Slacking 0/10
Attitude 10/10
TOTAL 45/50

Genjyo Sanzo


"Shut up or I'll kill you"

Genjyo Sanzo is one mean son of a bitch. Unlike your typical Buddhist monk, his behavior isn't constrained by victimless vices such as drinking, smoking, gambling, and shooting people. As the show progresses however, you realize that he actually has the strongest morals of any character in Saiyuki. He truly represents the Buddhist ideal of detachment and never does anything hypocritical. For example, Goku, Hakkai, and Gojyo might let the enemy live if they know he has a wife and children, but that won't stop Sanzo from busting a cap in his ass.

One of the phrases that makes Maddox's blood boil is "I'm a child at heart". I couldn't agree more – children are stupid and useless, why would you want to be like one? That's why it's so refreshing to watch Sanzo, who much like myself, is an old man at heart. He loves tranquility and hates bullshit. Whenever he's riding in the Jeep, he's either sleeping or threating to kill somebody for disturbing his sleep. When the Sanzo party reaches a new town, Hakkai wants to shop, Goku wants to eat, and Gojyo wants to pick up chicks. Sanzo, on the other hand, just stays in the hotel room, either sleeping or reading the newspaper.

Why I'm Cooler:

Sanzo smokes way too much. If Kougaiji's party doesn't kill him before he reaches India, emphysema will.

Overall Coolness Rating:

Hatred 10/10
Violence 10/10
Cleverness 10/10
Slacking 10/10
Attitude 10/10
TOTAL 50/50

Natsuki Kuga

One of the lead characters in My HiME, Natsuki turned her back on the world and hates everything. Although she has a confidant, I won't take off any points since it's Shizuru (see below). In fact, Shizuru and Natsuki combine to form every fan's favorite duo: ShizNat.

Natsuki always cuts class, but unlike every hypocritical jackass who cuts class to do work, Natsuki is always doing something cool, like shooting people on her motorcycle. Did I mention she's best friends with Shizuru? ShizNat kicks ass.

Why I'm Cooler: If I were Natsuki, I'd become a lesbian and hook up with Shizuru.

Overall Coolness Rating:

Hatred 10/10
Violence 10/10
Cleverness 9/10
Slacking 9/10
Attitude 10/10
TOTAL 48/50

Shizuru Fujino

Shizuru is such an awesome character that anything I say could spoil the experience of watching her light up the screen. If you've seen My HiME, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you haven't, watch it right now and fill in the blanks yourself. You'll thank me later.

Why I'm Cooler: ...

Overall Coolness Rating:

Hatred ??/10
Violence ??/10
Cleverness ??/10
Slacking ??/10
Attitude ??/10
TOTAL 50/50

Kiyone Makibi

Appearing in various installments of Tenchi Muyo franchise, Kiyone is a talented police detective who had a promising future – until she got partnered with the incompetent Mihoshi. Pictured above is a fanartist's depiction of what Kiyone looks like when she's happy. I had to turn to fanart to find such a picture, because much like myself, Kiyone is always either pissed off or despondent.

For a glimpse of how awesome Kiyone is, just consider her ideal alternate universe. While everybody else on the show fantasizes about some tired crap like falling in love, Kiyone dreams of running away to a peaceful fishing village at the farthest corners of civilization where she doesn't have to put up with anybody's bullshit anymore.

Why I'm Cooler:

Kiyone's utopia still has other people in it. Why stop at the edge of civilization when you can become a hermit?

Overall Coolness Rating:

Hatred 10/10
Violence 8/10
Cleverness 9/10
Slacking 6/10
Attitude 10/10
TOTAL 43/50


4330 people are still wondering why I give anime characters more respect than them