Not Another Harem Anime

Yesterday a little girl came up to me and asked me to make a webpage about how awesome harem animes are. I socked that bitch in the jaw and wrote this page out of spite. Every conceivable harem anime has already been created, and any attempt to improve the concept would undoubtedly suck.

If you're going to create a harem anime, then there's no reason to be original. First, you need the staple characters:

The Oblivious Pimp

This character represents every nerd's fantasy. Imagine yourself in this situation: a diverse bunch of nubile young women are throwing themselves at your feet. Why should this take 26 episodes to resolve?

The Slut

All you really need is one good slut. I've been saying that for years. Now add alcohol, gossip, and a general taste for mischief, and you've got yourself the ultimate harem slut.

The Bitch

Even though they always fight, the Oblivious Pimp always seems to prefer The Bitch. She burns with jealousy, leaps to conclusions, cries, and turns to ice, but when she laughs...well, she still sounds like a bitch. Yeah, so I blatantly ripped off a Maison Ikkoku quote, but at least Kyoko knew how to cook and clean like all women should. In fact, all women from 80's anime series knew their role. 80's anime kicks ass.

The Pussy

The Pussy is usually the most underrated character in the harem. So what if she's not slutty and can't express her feelings verbally? That just means that she has to seduce guys by cooking their lunches. Why don't more girls do that?

With these characters, you can setup the two incidents that drive a harem anime: Failed Confessions and Misunderstandings

The Failed Confession

How confessions fail:

The Pussy - Stutters to much and changes what she's trying to say at the last second

The Bitch - Can't accept her true feelings

The Oblivious Pimp - Only confesses to The Bitch who can't accept her true feelings

The Slut - The Oblivious Pimp is too much of a pussy to have sex with her

The Misunderstanding

How misunderstandings occur:

The Slut - Tries to have sex with the Oblivious Pimp, but everybody else suddenly appears and starts bitching

The Oblivious Pimp - "Accidentally" finds his way to the women's bath

The Bitch - Sends mixed signals and gets pissed when others try to interpret them

The Pussy - Makes a mediocre obento

Now permute these scenarios across all the characters (a little girl on girl action never hurts), throw in a little filler, and you have another harem anime.

UPDATE: Holy shit, somebody made a YouTube adaptation!


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