An Unbiased Review of Kingdom Hearts

Three Things That Sucked:

1. Shameless Optimism

Face it you're dealing with Disney. There's no blood, the good guys always win, and everybody lives happily ever after. I'll give Disney some credit however, because I was expecting things to be much worse.

2. Shitty Treasure

Most games simultaneously reward risky exploration and discourage monetary reliance by providing treasure boxes that contain rare and useful items. This is not the case in Kingdom Hearts, where every other treasure is some piece of shit gummi block for an optional sidequest. It's my understanding that Meteor-Gs are the best kind, and eventually I had so many of those that the game wouldn't let me carry any more.

Every single time I encountered a treasure box that contained a Worthless-G, I threw the game's case into the wall. This is what it looks like now:

3. Sin Harvest




Here's why Sin Harvest is the cheapest attack in video game history:

Considering that Sephiroth being voiced by Lance Bass didn't make this list, you know that Sin Harvest has to suck. The only thing that it doesn't do is inflict status effects, but that's because they don't even exist in the game. Any attack would be better, and I mean ANY attack:




In case you don't know what a Tonberry is, here's a clip of one in action. There probably weren't any in the game because a wussy corporation like Disney wouldn't want kids taking after cute little monsters that poke people with knives.

Three Things That Didn't Suck:

1. Active Battle System

Active battle systems are always more engaging than the turn-based kind. My only major complaint is that there are only three shortcut commands, and those could only be used for magic.

2. Traverse Town

Every good RPG gives you a reason to return to each major location at least once. Although shitty treasure was the only incentive to revisit several worlds, Traverse Town always gave you a decent reason to go back. There's always something worth checking out there, and it hosts several Final Fantasy characters, which brings me to my next point.

3. Final Fantasy Characters

Many fans feared that Final Fantasy characters would ruin their image in a Disney game. Sure, Cid's obscenities were toned down a bit, but other than that, shameless optimism couldn't touch these guys, especially Squall/Leon. He's still the coolest.

Squall is cooler. End of story.

FINAL SCORE:

Characters: Why else would you play the game? 20/20
Plot: Light, Darkness, Heart, Heartless, Blah, Blah, Blah... 13/20
Battle System: Only 3 shortcuts and they're only for magic, otherwise great 19/20
Sidequests: Good optional fights, fun to explore different worlds, shitty treasure 8/10
Graphics: No complaints, nothing incredible either 8/10
Sound: BGM and voice acting fit well, few tracks stand out 8/10
Options: Easy/Hard modes, stat/ability growth customized, order of worlds flexible 5/5
Intangibles: There's something in this game for everybody 5/5
TOTAL 86/100


5301 people already played Kingdom Hearts three years ago