Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants:
WORST MOVIE EVER



Before you get the wrong idea, let me assure you that this was all my idiot cousin's fault. We were walking out of "Lords of Dogtown" last summer when she suggested that we sneak into some other movie. I tried to tell her that stealing is wrong, but before you could say "my cousin is a shallow bitch", she'd already run into an auditorium playing "Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants". I unwittingly followed her in, completely unaware of the shitfest that awaited me:

"They were just a soft, ordinary pair of thrift-shop jeans until the four girls took turns trying them on--four girls, that is, who are close friends, about to be parted for the summer, with very different sizes and builds, not to mention backgrounds and personalities. Yet the pants settle on each girl's hips perfectly, making her look sexy and long-legged and feel confident as a teenager can feel. "These are magical Pants!" they realize, and so they make a pact to share them equally, to mail them back and forth over the summer from wherever they are. Beautiful, distant Lena is going to Greece to be with her grandparents; strong, athletic Bridget is off to soccer camp in Baja, California; hot-tempered Carmen plans to have her divorced father all to herself in South Carolina; and Tibby the rebel will be left at home to slave for minimum wage at Wallman's." - Amazon.com Description

The Athlete:

The athletic girl attends a soccer camp and spends the whole summer trying to seduce her coach. Since the coach is too much of a pussy to reject her emphatically, she keeps on pestering him for the rest of the movie. Then all the way at the end with no transition whatsoever, they suddenly start making out. It wasn't a porno for the following reasons:

The Fat Bitch:

In a movie full of shitty stories, this one floods the cesspool. The description on Amazon.com called this girl "hot-tempered", which must be a female euphemism for "obnoxious bitch", because that's all she does for the entire movie: annoy people and bitch. As if that weren't bad enough, she's a hideous monster with layers of blubber fit for a beluga whale. When will Hollywood get it? Guys hate watching fat chicks, girls hate watching fat chicks, and transgendered people hate watching fat chicks. Even fat chicks hate watching fat chicks. NOBODY likes watching fat chicks. Thank god they didn't hook her up with a boyfriend.

The Greek Chick:

The first thing she does when she visits Greece is fall off a donkey. Then to prove that her clumsiness wasn't a fluke, she finds a sea and starts drowning. Out of nowhere, she's saved by an older guy who's way out of her league but falls in love with her anyway. At this point the writer got lazy and became the billionth talentless jackass to try to repackage Romeo & Juliet and pass it off as her own story (although in all fairness, Shakespeare ripped off Ovid, who probably ripped off the Greeks, etc...), except in this case she manages to make it even more lame by giving it a happy ending. At the end of the story, and once again without any semblance of a transition, the patriarch of the family unexpectedly swallows his pride and resolves generations of intense family feuding by approving of the relationship. Everybody lives happily ever after until later that day when the girl returns home.

The Part-Timer:

This story is unquestionably the best. The girl is busy hating her job at a Walmart-like retail giant, when she finds a little girl passed out in one of the aisles. She acts quickly to save the girl's life, but the little asshole didn't show her any gratitude. A few days later, the brat tracks down her savior and starts bitching at her for no reason. Then they become friends, and the little girl dies of cancer.

Thus concludes another tale of shitty unoriginal chick lit.

The producers should've taken a lesson from Maddox's friends Transition and Cohesion.


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