After waking up from a dream about destroying Springfield Elementary School Kyoto Animation, Bart Baka-Raptor joins Lisa [your name here] warpshadow, halfadeckshort, and Alejo at the breakfast table, where they excitedly discuss spending the summer at Kamp Krusty Umineko no Naku Koro ni, a summer camp run by Krusty the Clown Studio DEEN. A week [...]

(From Maddox’s Comic) Last season I was watching this lesbian show called Aoi Hana. It started off pretty slow, but approximately halfway into the series, one of the girls got dumped. Perfect. All the slow-moving drama would pay off tenfold if that goody two-shoes lesbian kid were to transform into a rancorous and psychotic distortion [...]

In episode 24, a female sniper is assigned the task of killing Golgo 13. It’s impossible to beat Golgo 13 in a fair fight, and women in general fight dirty, so she plots to mess up Golgo 13′s eyesight by exposing him to the sandy Sirocco/Ghibli winds of Morocco. Little did she know that Golgo [...]

This is a slice-of-life picture. If you don’t get it, you’re looking it at wrong. Ever notice how Lucky Star is a comedy? Ever been told that if you’re not watching it as a slice-of-life anime, you’re watching it wrong? Ever wished that Baka-Raptor would write a post on how that’s the stupidest shit in [...]

Ranking can be a tedious process. I’m way too lazy to work my way through O(n log n) algorithms. Luckily, the intro sequence saved me the trouble: #1: Alphard But Baka-Raptor, you’re not supposed to start with #1! Going in reverse order builds suspense! No it doesn’t. Leaving the shittiest character for the end builds [...]

Wow, another school-life comedy about a bunch of girls. The main character is a clueless transfer student. She’s also an orphan supported by a mysterious wealthy benefactor. Her only friend a back-talking puppet with a mind of its own (but not the kind that solves murder mysteries). And the student council she joins comprises a [...]

Get it? Punch-lines?! I’d like to write reviews about all the shows I watch, but as a sophisticated hyperbolic discounter, I realize that’s not going to happen. To insure against the possibility of never voicing my opinion on a show, I created a one-liners page, which recently fell into disuse when I created a My [...]

I was recently thinking about how much I suck at drawing, image editing, web design, and other forms of useful art, when I realized there’s a simple way to turn that all around: training in the mountains. Mountain training is a surefire way to get better at anything: martial arts, kendo, ninjutsu, homosexuality, mountain climbing, [...]

As you can infer from this kickass manga shot, I’m not trying to bullshit you about manliness like all those feminine hygiene commercials. If you buy anything that’s marketed as  “_______ for men,” you’re a tool. It’s just like X-treme marketing. Putting the same shit in a different container doesn’t make it suck less. I [...]

I was in the middle of beating Crystalis blindfolded when all of a sudden I was mysteriously teleported away from my computer. I took off my blindfold to see Haruhi prancing around, exclaiming she was thrilled to meet a dinosaur. I lazily autographed her face and began to make my way out. Upset that I [...]

No. Not again. I refuse to accept this. Why must all the tough guys in anime get stalked by little girls to show they have a caring side? Who’s next, Golgo 13? If I were in charge of writing the new FMA series, Scar’s encounter with May Chang would go something like this: To think [...]

Endless Eight was a waste of time, money, human resources, natural resources (e.g., oil, gas, animal pelt), bandwidth, and chakra. Good thing I didn’t watch Endless Eight—I watched Finite Five (skipped eps 5-7). It was only five-eighths as pedophilic. You just read the most flattering review of Endless Eight on the internet. Come on guys, [...]

At least the English intro is bad enough to be good I want to like everything I watch. You might not get that impression from all the bashing I do on this site, but really, I give every show a fair chance. In fact, I probably try a lot harder than you (otherwise I wouldn’t [...]

A few posts ago when I claimed that Asu no Yoichi is the best harem anime ever, various commenters contended that the following were better: Clannad Kanon Suzuka Ranma 1/2 High School of the Dead I cannot agree, not because these shows are (all) bad, but because they’re not harems (with the possible exception of [...]

Eikichi Onizuka and Ryuji Danma are the deadly duo, Oni-Baku (Demon Explosion), with the sole mission of losing their virginities. As they turn away from the gang life to accomplish this, old enemies resurface to haunt them, and new ones appear to take their fame. Before taking the women, Oni-Baku must first show their adversaries [...]

Glo the Legend recently described Asu no Yoichi as having “no god damn fucking cons.” Should you trust him? I can’t think of a reason not to, seeing as how he wrote a 100% truthful post about my trip to England. Calling Asu no Yoichi the BEST HAREM ANIME EVER may seem heretical—until you actually [...]

Hey, look at me, I’m Mr. Perfect. I never lose sight of what’s truly important in life and always believe in the goodness of the human heart, no matter how unfounded or irrational it may seem to the objective bystander. I’m so comfortable with who I am that my ludicrously flamboyant wardrobe doesn’t make me [...]

Just how boring is K-ON? Let’s put it this way: I paused episode 10 to rewatch an episode of Akikan. Akikan: Crappy animation, original jokes K-ON: Uncrappy animation, unoriginal jokes Winner: Akikan The jokes in K-ON are so stale that I’m forced to make up my own jokes to survive each episode. See 1:39-1:45 I’m [...]

Crystalis was the best RPG for the NES. Zelda sucked. Final Fantasy sucked. Then came Crystalis—a game so brilliant, so captivating, so devoid of pedophilia that it would surely take the gaming world by storm. Unfortunately, it came out so late in the life of the NES (1990) that it got lost amongst shitty games [...]

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After watching two episodes, I was ready to shelve Eden of the East for a marathon. It wasn’t bad, but aside from the animation quality, it didn’t strike me as anything promising. Memory loss. Biblical allusions. Male nudity. None of these turn me on. I shall address each in turn: 1. Male Nudity Everyone seems [...]

Ayatsuri Sakon follows the crime-fighting adventures of Sakon, a bunraku puppeteer, and Ukon, Sakon’s wise-cracking puppet. Think of them as the Japanese Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat. When Sakon’s deductive powers combine with Ukon’s moxy, the two have an uncanny knack for solving murder mysteries once half the suspects are already dead. How do they [...]

I shall start with a base score of zero. Every time I see something I like, I’ll add a point. Every time I see something I don’t like, I’ll subtract a point. Score (S) Meaning S > 5 Love it 5 >= S >= 2 Like it 2 > S > -2 Indifferent -2 >= [...]

Queen’s Blade has been taking a lot of shit from even the most perverted anime bloggers. This ends now. I typically don’t care for fanservice anime. If you want porn, there’s almost definitely something better If you want a story, there’s almost definitely something better Thus, as a practical matter, I’ll only endorse a fanservice [...]

The most heterosexual picture on my hard drive Despite my unwavering support of lesbianism in anime, I do occasionally approve of heterosexual relationships. The conditions are tough but fair: The male cannot be a complete loser The female cannot be a complete bitch Generally, both characters must be at least 18 years old If they’re [...]

Candy Boy is the most misleading title I’ve seen since Bible Black. Any of the following titles would’ve been more fitting: Candy Girl Candy Lesbian Candy Candy, Boy! EF – A Tale of Lesbians Candy Boy has only four characters: the lesbian twins, their lesbian stalker, and their little sister, who also happens to be a [...]

(This is a remake of Robots Don’t Have Feelings)

This is by no means an endorsement of Akikan. It is a simple observation that many of the shows I’m currently watching are worse. First, a quick unbiased review of Akikan: Three things that rock: A suprising dose of original humor Mamiko Noto A hardcore lesbian Three things that suck: Lame premise Lousy animation A [...]

Berserk + a real ending Claymore – Raki Mouryou no Hako + subtitles Soul Eater – everyone except Stein and Medusa Kibure + an appearance in episode 14 Miniami-ke – all the non-Hosaka scenes Gankutsuou – the ambiguously gay ending Higurashi – the noise complaint I got for blasting the intro theme at 4AM Maddox [...]

One more year until this picture fits the occasion Thus concludes: Three years of Baka-Raptor.com One year of selling out to WordPress Two years and eight months of my website going downhill I could take this opportunity to glorify myself, but I’ll let you handle that in the comments. Instead, I’m going to pimp three [...]

1. Punchline Overkill Holy shit, it’s like I’m watching Lucky Star all over again. Cut the bullshit punchline reinforcement and move on. Even Kanako’s lesbian observations are getting on my nerves. REALLY?!?! Perhaps some viewers have difficulty picking up lesbian innuendo. Not me. My lesbian mangekyou sharingan identifies lesbian innuendo 100x faster than Kanako and [...]

Good evening. I am Kenshiro, ass-kicking practitioner extraordinaire. Having fought countless villains throughout my travels, I’ve learned that nobody is truly evil, for we all have love in our hearts. Shin So he kidnapped my girlfriend. That can only tell me one thing: he has great taste in women. Nobody who loves Yuria could possibly [...]

I don’t care about style. Whether characters look pointy or retarded doesn’t matter to me as long as I get a good story. What I do find annoying is when unconventional style becomes the focal point of the anime. Style should never take precedence over substance. Fooly Cooly: Yawn Lucky Star: Stupid Kaiba: Bullshit Do [...]

Given the recent inauguration of America’s first black president and, more importantly, the release of the first episode of Hetalia Axis Powers, the times call for a critical examination of race in anime. Japanese People Madarame is one of about five anime characters who actually look Japanese. The rest all look white. Even Pesche admits [...]

I picked up several shows from Fall 2008, but I’m only giving midterm grades for these five. You know why? Because most of them were too damn short. One season = 26 episodes. Let me reiterate: 1 Season = 26 Episodes I’m generous enough to give out midterm grades for series with 24 or 25 [...]

Tytania 10: Discount Space Pornography Fan Hyulick picks up a prostitute as soon as he lands on planet Barghash (and you thought I was joking about Tytania being Space Pornography). The prostitute says she’ll give him a discount because he’s sexy. Here’s a little advice: they all say that (you don’t know her going rate, [...]

1. Real Pocky Product placement isn’t funny, unlike Trademark infringement. Two girls in swimsuits are trapped in a closet and all I can think about is trademark infringement. Why? Because I’m not a pedophile. Speaking of lesbians and pocky… 2. Not Enough Lesbian Pocky Scenes Speaking of lesbians… 3. No Lesbian Scene between the Director [...]

1. Anime News Network says there are 24 episodes Anime News Network is a reputable, trustworthy source of information. There’s no way they’d get this wrong. 2. The phrase “Detroit Metal City is over” at the end of episode 12 refers to the episode being over, not the series 3. Not every character got a [...]

The day after Christmas is a magical time when people flock to stores to return all the crappy gifts they’ve received. Certain anime personalities would like to make returns as well… Lelouch: Hello, I’d like to return this stupid-looking hat. Baka-Raptor: Do you have a receipt? Lelouch: No Baka-Raptor: No receipt, no return. Lelouch: Take [...]

Animals are only good for three things: breakfast, lunch, and dinner. They used to be good for manual labor, but nowadays there’s nothing an animal can do that a machine can’t do better, faster, cheaper, and without shitting all over the place. Why does anime portray animals as cute and lovable? They’re stupid and self-indulgent. [...]