Archive for the 'Games' Category

Summoning is Stupid

Monday, March 20th, 2017

Summoning is the video game equivalent of calling over your big brother to fight for you on the playground. There’s neither skill nor honor. Fight for yourself you pussy. Summoning is a gimmick that’s been taken too far. While I can forgive the first few who tried it, summoning systems to this day suffer from […]

The Most Politically Correct Zombie Game Ever

Sunday, May 31st, 2015

The Last of Us is a game about stealth-killing zombies is the most conspicuous ways possible. Only in The Last of Us does the moaning and flailing of head-locked enemies go undetected by enemies with their backs turned five feet away. For the first half of the game I was certain all that noise meant […]

A Linear Review of Final Fantasy XIII

Friday, May 2nd, 2014

An Unbiased Review of Tomb Raider (2013)

Tuesday, January 28th, 2014

Three Things that Sucked: 1. Bosses (or lack thereof) There’s only one enemy in the whole game I’d classify as a real boss, and it’s not even a major boss, just a regular one that shows up out of nowhere. There are maybe two or three mini-bosses. Other than that you’re just facing foot soldiers, […]

Uncharted 1–3: Fortune Among Deception

Saturday, September 21st, 2013

The Uncharted series follows the adventures of world pull-up champion Nathan Drake as he travels around the world doing pull-ups until he finds forbidden treasure. When Drake isn’t doing pull-ups, he’s generally either shooting people or doing some puzzle-solving bitch work. Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune (+) The first Uncharted game takes Drake to a Pacific Island […]

Talk-A-Raptor 12: Catherine & Valkyria Chronicles

Sunday, June 30th, 2013

The Catherine trailer I saw:

Talk-A-Raptor 11: An Unbiased Review of The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Tuesday, March 19th, 2013

Bonus Comments: Just wanted to add a few comments I didn’t get around to making in the video. These will be added whenever I feel like it. Also, possible bonus comic coming. I criticized the magnifying glass because it creates a sense of paranoia about missing secrets if you don’t have it on. On top […]

An Unbiased Review of Ōkami

Monday, February 18th, 2013

Five things that sucked: 1. Load Times Count up to 90. But Baka-Raptor, that’s a horrible waste of time! That’s how long it takes to turn on your PS2 and load up a saved game in Okami. One minute and 30 seconds of loading, credit screens, loading, selecting a save point, and more loading. Load […]

Ranking My NES Games

Monday, January 14th, 2013

I owned only five games for my NES. This is in part because my parents are cheap and in part because I got the NES late in its life cycle (because my parents are cheap). When you have only five games for your system, you get enough mileage out of them remember them clear as […]

The END DAY: Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne

Monday, October 1st, 2012

This year, the END DAY is going back to its video game roots. I’d just beaten Kingdom Hearts. Light and order were restored to the universe. Mickey and his pals were living happily ever after. I was not. I’d begun frantically searching for something to wash all that cleanliness out of me when I discovered […]