Crystalis was the best RPG for the NES. Zelda sucked. Final Fantasy sucked. Then came Crystalis—a game so brilliant, so captivating, so devoid of pedophilia that it would surely take the gaming world by storm. Unfortunately, it came out so late in the life of the NES (1990) that it got lost amongst shitty games [...]

I made a promise that I’d write an unbiased review of FFXII, and I’m damn well going to keep it. Three Things That Sucked: 1. Boring Townsfolk Booooooooorrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnggggggg Is it just me, or do 90% of the townspeople in this game have nothing interesting¹ to say? If I wanted to hear boring conversations go absolutely [...]

I died 25 times in approximately 80 hours of gameplay, which is undoubtedly the optimal death rate for any game with a level-based battle system. If you die less often, you’re not taking enough chances, and if you die more often, it’s because you suck. All of my deaths were glorious and justifiable: 1. I [...]