Stop buying shit from children

I hate children. Why do so many dumbass adults think its cute to buy their shit? One time this persistent little shit from the neighborhood kept trying to sell me rocks until I chased him away with my shotgun. Why the hell would I want a rock? Kids know damn well that rocks are free and useless, but they're selfish bastards who are too damn lazy to do anything productive like mining coal. I thought that this was an isolated incident, but it turns out that even my little sister and one of my little cousins tried this. Why does my family suck? Even though I have about 30 cousins, all of them are losers, except this one guy who was too lazy to go to his medical school graduation ceremony.

When I first heard of some kid whose lemonade stand profits skyrocketed when he started wearing a suit, I was mildly impressed. Sure, it's a worthless gimmick, but if a 5-year-old could have this kind of business savvy, maybe kids deserved more credit than I'd been giving them. Then I saw his pitiful interview and remembered why I hate children. The interviewers patronized the hell out of him the whole time, but he was too much of an idiot to realize it and just took it all with his shit-faced grin. As if that weren't pathetic enough, instead of being some 5-year-old prodigy, this kid turned out to be some 11-year-old fatass who got the idea from his mother. What an asshole.

Children can't do anything right. That's why the Children's Crusade was a miserable failure. Back in the year 1212, an army of disobediant children tried to shirk household chores by running away to the Holy Land. They claimed that God would part the seas for their journey, but God was infuriated by their bullshit and summoned pirates to kidnap and sell them into slavery. 792 years later, that douchebag John Kerry forgot that kids are stupid and enlisted the support of the children's organization "Kids For Kerry". What's the point? Newsflash for Democrats: Kids can't vote. Stop treating your voters like children and maybe you'll win an election. How do you expect anybody take you seriously when you publish inane propaganda like "Why Mommy is a Democrat"?

Stop pampering kids with idealistic bullshit and read them a real story like "The Little Match Girl". For those of you who were coddled by your wussy parents, "The Little Match Girl" is an old Hans Christian Anderson tale about a little girl whose loving father tried to teach her responsibility by beating her if she didn't sell enough matches in the streets. The little girl, however, didn't appreciate her father's generosity, and on one cold New Year's Eve, that spoiled brat failed to sell even one single box of matches! Since she was too much of a pussy to face her father, she stayed out on the streets all night and started wasting her father's perfectly good matches. As the cold ate away at her senses, she began to see heartwarming visions in each of the matches she lit.

The next morning she was found frozen to death. The moral of the story is that people who can't face reality don't deserve to live. Unless you live in America, in which case jackass children who would starve to death in any other country can get away with this rock selling bullshit.

Unfortunately, "The Little Match Girl" is one of only a handful of fairy tales that hasn't been corrupted by Disney. Here are some famous fairy tales and how they really ended .

5715 kids don't come to my house for candy on Halloween