The Friend Zone? What's that?

Don't know what the Friend Zone is? Neither did I until last week when I was linked to some guy's rant about it. The very first line states:

"First off, if you don't know what the Friend Zone is, you're a moron."

So I kept reading to see if I really was a moron:

"The Friend Zone is a term used to describe a 'zone' a guy ends up with when a girl sees him as a 'friend' and nothing more."

Then I realized why I hadn't heard of the Friend Zone � I've never been anywhere close to it. Not only that, but I hadn't heard about it from bullshit relationship gossip or some shitty primetime sitcom like Friends. Not knowing about the Friend Zone didn't make me a moron. Instead, it reaffirmed that fact that I'm not a pussy.

According to the rant, a guy gets labeled as a friend when he sucks up to a girl in the hopes that one day she might have sex with him. This stems from the stereotype that women aren't shallow, so once they think you're a nice guy who's not interested in sex, they'll have sex with you. That's crap. Women and men are equally shallow. If you don't give them what their primitive urges crave, they'll never be interested.

Thousands of years ago, some women were attracted to nice guys. Unfortunately for the nice guys, food was scarce, and in order to provide for your family, you had to be a greedy aggressive asshole. The assholes pushed around the nice guys and took all their food. Women who were attracted assholes were always given food and thus survived to pass on the asshole-loving gene to the next generation. The nice guys and the women who refused to put up with assholes all died of starvation. That's why in modern times, men are all assholes, and women who prefer nice guys no longer exist.

Don't think you're an asshole? You're wrong. Within every man lies the capacity to be an asshole. These days however, latent asshole potential is often left unawakened since it's no longer necessary for survival. Need help awakening your inner asshole? Next time you don't know what to do, just ask yourself:

Squall is like a cross between James Dean and Sousuke Sagara. Guys like that never get stuck in the Friend Zone. Everything you need to know about Squall is right in this unedited dialogue from Final Fantasy VIII:

Quistis: I'm a member of SeeD now, just like you. Who knows, maybe we'll end up working together.
Squall: ...oh really?
Quistis: Is that all you're going to say?
Squall: If that's how it was decided, you have to abide by it.
Quistis: They told me that I failed as an instructor. Basically, that I lacked leadership qualities. I was a SeeD at age 15, got my instructor license at 17. It's only been a year since I got it. I wonder where I went wrong...I did my best...are you listening?
Squall: Are you done yet...? I don't want to talk about it. What am I supposed to say about other people's problems?
Quistis: I'm not asking you to say anything. I just want you to listen.
Squall: Then go talk to a wall.
Quistis: Aren't there times when you want to share your feelings with someone?
Squall: Everyone has to take care of themselves. I don't want to carry anyone's burden.
Squall leaves.
Quistis: No leadership qualities...failed instructor...perhaps they're right...

Is Squall the kind of guy who would reluctantly comfort a girl as she pours out her heart and soul? Hell no! He tells her off and walks away. Quistis even thinks it's her fault! The result? Quistis wants him. Rinoa does too:

Rinoa: Oh, you're a great leader, aren't you...Do you actually have fun acting so callous towards your comrades?
Squall: ...not again
Rinoa: Zell wants your support.
Squall: I knew it was gonna be something like that...
Rinoa: Don't you ever worry about or even think about the well-being of your comrades?
Squall: I don't believe in relying on others.
Rinoa: Don't you understand!?
Squall: ...Whatever

Just act like Squall and you'll never end up in the Friend Zone. Obviously, this technique should only be used if you don't want to be a girl's friend. Believe it or not, I contend that it's theoretically possible to be friends with a girl, even if she's hot (I'd love to be in Shizuru's Friend Zone). It's an issue of personality. If you don't want to be friends with a girl, it's because she has a shitty personality, in which case desperately befriending her for an outside chance of having sex makes you a shallow loser. If you're that kind of guy, just act like a jerk. Then you'll be a shallow winner.

519 idiots from my high school loved Friends