The Slacker's Code

I'm sick of hearing terrible slacking stories from morons who have no clue what they're doing, so I started this regularly updated webpage to teach you punks the true meaning of slacking.

Rule #14: Don't do your elementary school homework

Slacking Classic: My second grade report card

Some people assume that I was once a hard-working kid who didn't hate people. This couldn't be further from the truth. Behold my second grade report card:

It's pretty old and worn down, so in case you can't read it, here's a summary:

1 = Outstanding
2 = Most of the time
3 = Some of the time
4 = Having difficulty

Works well independently: 1
Science: 1
Social Studies: 1
Music: 1
Math: 1
Expresses ideas in writing: 1
Shows interest in Literature: 1*
Art: 2
Library Science: 2
Effort: 2
Cooperates with others: 2
Demonstrates self-control: 2
Accepts responsibility: 2
Shows respect for peers: 2
Shows respect for authority: 2
Follows directions: 2
Uses time productively: 2
Completes assignments: 2-3
Does homework assignments responsibly: 2-3
Writes neatly and legibly: 3

Oh no, my behavior was "beginning to cause concern"? Damn straight. I raised hell in the schoolyard, and everybody who didn't was a pussy.

I didn't hand in assignments such as "reading ballons"? That's because they were stupid.

Moral: Misbehave and learn to recognize bullshit at a young age. If you do it right, someday you just might build a badass website.

Rule #13: Don't memorize poetry

Slacking Classic: The Poetry Picnic (4th grade)

Once a week in elementary school, we'd have an hour of "library class". We'd go to the school library and hear the librarian lecture about how we'd all freeze to death penniless on a street corner if we didn't read crappy books like "Anastasia Krupnik":

"Anastasia Krupnik is the first book of a popular series by Lois Lowry, depicting the title character's life as a girl "just trying to grow up", a feeling strongly echoed by the 11-13 year old girls the books are aimed at. Anastasia deals with everyday problems such as popularity and the wart on her thumb." - Wikipedia

My teacher was such an asshole for putting that bullshit chick lit in the curriculum. What am I saying � she was an asshole anyway. For example, whenever I didn't do my homework (which was always), she had the nerve to yell at me. I counterattacked by staring at her tits. It clearly pissed her off, but she was too embarrassed to confront me about it, so I always won.

One day the librarian issued an extra credit challenge: If anybody could memorize 10 poems, he'd qualify to recite poems at an exclusive vegetarian picnic. Holy shit, did I hear that right? Poetry and veggies with the librarian? Excuse me for not popping a boner. Even as a 9-year old, this was something that couldn't get past my bullshit detector. It slipped past everone else's however, because I was the only one in the class who didn't bother memorizing a single poem. I rule.

Rule #12: Never untie your shoelaces

This wasn't necessarily the case when flat shoelaces existed, but these days every pair of sneakers is sold with those shitty round shoelaces that never stay tied with a single knot. If you need to waste your precious time tying two Gordian Knots to keep your shoes from falling off, don't bother untying them. Slipping your sneakers on and off is so much easier.

Rule #11: Get a Hammock

The best way to get one is to casually mention that your life would suck less if you had a hammock, let somebody else buy one for you, and be too lazy to ever hang it up yourself.

Somebody will hang this up eventually, and it won't be me.

Rule #10: Allow others to reward you for slacking

Not everybody thinks that slacking is its own reward. You'll inevitably come across some wannabe psychologists who'll say that you only slack because you're bored, frustrated, aren't challenged, etc..., so it's your duty to correct them by taking advantage of them as much as you possibly can.

Example: My brother, one of the few med students with a slacker factor above 0, recently sent the following email to his pathology class representative, who then forwarded it to the pathology course director:

The course director liked the email so much that he invited my brother to be on the highly selective pathology course panel. Responsibilities include (and are limited to) telling the course director which aspects of the class suck.

You can do it too. All you have to do is not try.

Rule #9: Remember the Slacker's Trinity

Procrastination and laziness save time and energy, respectively. On the few occasions when time and energy absolutely must be spent, efficiency optimizes these quantities to minimize futility.

How much of a slacker are you? Measure your laziness, procrastination, and efficiency, and plot them inside the trinity to find out. Divide your triangle's area by the area of the trinity to get your slacker factor.


Laziness: 50%
Procrastination: 70%
Efficiency: 30%

Slacker Factor: 25%

As if you needed to ask, mine is 100%.

Rule #8: Seem unattractive to the unattractive

Slackers hate it when unattractive people hit on them. It's annoying and it gives them nightmares, which is always a problem, because slackers sleep all the time. That's why they've developed the uncanny ability to adjust their game in response to the attractiveness of others:

Just act as hostilely as you possibly can around people you don't like. Glare at them. Never say "hi" anything to them. Insult them behind their backs, but make sure they overhear you. You'll save yourself the hassle of being subjected to shitty pickup lines, conversations, and worst of all, getting touched.

Rule #7: Wash all your clothes on Regular/Heavy (Cross-listed as Don't Be a Pussy Rule #5)

If a weak setting like "Special" or "Permanent Press" can effectively wash your clothes, are they really that dirty? Why waste your time and energy washing lightly soiled clothes when you can procrastinate? This is a particularly compelling argument if your laundry room is on another floor, because you can never win against gravity. Believe me, I've been trying for years -- still no success. And by trying, I mean giving up. Trying is for losers.

Rule #6: Don't study for classes before you take them

Don't feel prepared to take a class even though you've been advised and met the prerequisites? Too much of a pussy to rely on your own intelligence? Why not build a facade of self-confidence by studying beforehand?

Reading a textbook before you take a class is a guaranteed waste of time. Textbooks rarely coincide well with a syllabus, and even if they did, what's the point in learning everything and then taking the class? Is your goal to learn or to improve your chances of getting an A? Go do something useful with your time, like watching anime or sleeping.

Rule #5: Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle

Slacking Classic: The Cubed Cube (7th grade)

Back in 7th grade, I had to construct a cube for my art class. As you'd expect of my insane skills, I got a 100 on that project.

A few days later I was assigned an English project. Everybody in the class had to give a 5 minute "how to" presentation. I rocked the class with a "how to make a cube" lecture and got another 100.

For my math class, everybody had to construct a polyhedron. I handed in my cube, and the teacher was about to accept it, but a bunch of nerds who built 5 foot tall truncated icosahedrons told the teacher that I was reusing an art project. My teacher told me to redo the project, but I was too lazy.

Rule #4: Spend less than 99% of your free time scheduling

It's not that hard to sign up for the courses you want, unless you're a pussy who won't take a class without his desired professor, TA, and classmates.

Rule #3: Learn to Sleep Through Anything

My apartment building recently enacted a policy specifically to screw me: the laundry rooms now close at 11PM. How the hell am I supposed to live like this? I've always done my laundry in the middle of the night just to piss off all the pussies who can't fall asleep to the low rumble of a washing machine in another room.

If you can't fall asleep, then you're not really tired. It's that simple. True slackers don't even need to be tired to fall asleep. When staying awake is pointless (waiting on line, boring classes, ugly people are talking to you, etc...), slackers intentionally fall asleep to conserve energy.

If this policy doesn't change soon, I'll be writing an angry letter to management. Naturally, I'll be sure to post it to this website as well.

To be continued...

Rule #2: Find the spot of Lowest Potential.

Every true slacker finds the location that minimizes potential movement. Once this position has been secured, let any item that might require movement gravitate towards you. Consider the rightmost cushion on this couch:

See if you can locate the following items that I can reach without standing up:

Study this picture carefully. For every item I listed, there's another item that I neglected to mention and another item that'll be there tomorrow.

Rule #1: Don't Cut Class to Do Work.

"I had to turn in an assignment later that day, so I cut cell biology, and then I went to the library..."

For the love of god, no slacking story should ever contain the phrase "I went to the library". If you cut class to do work, you're still doing work. Nothing has changed. The following alternatives obey Rule #1:

1. Instead of sleeping all night and cutting class to work, try working all night and cutting class to sleep. You're still doing the work, but at least you're not violating any slacking prinicples.
2. Attend class and do your assignment there. If the teacher doesn't like it, that's his problem.
3. Get drunk. There's no problem that getting drunk doesn't solve.

10508 edgy pre-meds reinvented themselves as slackers thanks to me