xxxHOLiC: Nothing to do with pornography

"I can think of at least two things wrong with that title."

I have no clue what "xxxHOLiC" is supposed to mean, and honestly, I don't care anymore. I've already put too much effort into trying to make sense of it:

March 2006: Several groups sub the xxxHOLiC movie. I download it and put it on hold until the TV series comes out.

April 2006: The xxxHOLiC TV series comes out. I discover that it's somehow related to Tsubasa Chronicle, so I put xxxHOLiC and watch Tsubasa Chronicle.

May 2006: I start watching xxxHOLiC.

June 2006: I lose track of my downloads and don't watch xxxHOLiC for about 8 months.

January 2007: I finish watching xxxHOLiC.

February 2007: I watch a few episodes of Cardcaptor Sakura to make sense of the characters in Tsubasa Chronicle. Then I write a crappy review of xxxHOLiC.

This series might have lived up to its potential if it made three simple changes:

1. Make Watanuki less of a pussy

Several aspects of xxxHOLiC make you wonder if the producers were high. The intro, for example:

There's funky animation and a bunch of weird plotlines, but you get used to those. Watanuki, on the other hand, has a bitchiness that transcends comprehension. Of all the protagonists in all of the series I've ever watched, Watanuki is by far the most pathetic.

The series starts off great: Watanuki gets harassed by evil spirits. Instead of dealing with it like a man however, he bitches and moans until the evil spirits get annoyed and leave. Then Watanuki wanders around like a moron until he somehow ends up in Yuko's shop. Watanuki asks Yuko to get rid of the evil spirits for him, but Yuko uses the opportunity to make Watanuki her slave. Then she spends each episode ripping people off, getting drunk with the black Mokona, and tormenting Watanuki with random sidequests and underappreciated household chores.

Getting back to the point, Watanuki is a pussy. The series would be infinitely better if he were replaced with someone cooler, for example, Kurogane. We know from Tsubasa Chronicle that Yuko and Kurogane make a badass yet comical duo:

Even Yuko alone is pretty sweet, which brings me to my next suggestion:

2. More Yuko

Yuko might be almost as cool as me, but we'll never know, because she rarely does anything. While I respect that degree of laziness, it's unquestionably a bane on the show. The only thing she ever does is give Watanuki vague advice, and that just helps him live longer.

3. Make Maru and Moro older, less annoying, and homosexual


...or dumbass kids?

The intro sequence contains a flagrantly deceptive scene that might lead an unsuspecting viewer to believe that xxxHOLiC has lesbians. Not only aren't there any, but those two girls turn out to be obnoxious little brats who do nothing but run around in circles repeating the last phrase they hear. This is normally where I'd call anyone who likes them a pedophile, except even pedophiles have limits. Maru and Moro's only redeeming contribution is the second ending sequence:

Regrettably, my first X* goes the lesbian box:

Well developed minor characters
At least one subplot
Simultaneous subplots
Unforeseeable plot twists
Comical victimization
Regular victimization
Recurring random character(s)
Badass mid-episode transitions
Soundtrack by Yuki Kajiura
Catchy dance sequence
Themes of Hatred/Suffering/Revenge
Topics of Hatred/Suffering/Revenge
Hilarious ambiguously gay dude
Stylish visual effects
Tournament Competition
Non-tournament based competitive activity
Graphic violence
A character vaguely resembling myself
Pimp in a white suit
Time Travel
Interdimensional travel
Supernatural Power

A lot of people seem to like this show. I'll admit that some episodes are good, but with a predominantly episodic plot, some isn't good enough.

8297 evil spirits stopped haunting Watanuki because he never shuts up