Baka-Raptor’s Conservatively Adventurous Filler Road Trip

I’d originally planned to chronicle a trip to California, but I was unable to land a summer job there…

So this summer I’ll be working in New York. No big loss, though it does set back my conservatively adventurous goal of living in every geographic region of the United States as defined by the NFL:

  • East: New York
  • North: Pittsburgh
  • South: Tennessee
  • West: ???

A few days ago I packed up my bags and headed to New York. Warning: it wasn’t as exciting as my usual heroic adventures. If you have a life, I suggest you turn back now.

Stop #1: The Parthenon (Centennial Park, Nashville, TN)

That’s some brilliant photography. Too bad it was ruined by some K-ON bum sitting on the steps of the rear entrance.

Bums aside, this Parthenon is far superior to the ruined one in Greece.


First, it’s structurally intact. Second, it wasn’t built on a hill, since the developers feared that visitors would be too lazy to walk up to it. Best of all: Athena.

Other statues:

To make the rest of my trip to the park exciting to anyone with a pulse, I’ll relate the following pictures to anime.

Rail Tracer

Garden of Sinners

Strike Witches

Stop #2: Sanders Cafe (The Original Kentucky Friend Chicken Restaurant, Corbin, KY)

Behold, Kentucky’s claim to fame:

I’d be a real jerk to leave out the other side.

You may think I’m being sarcastic by pointing out that Kentucky’s most famous citizen is a chicken cook. I assure you I am not. Does any American icon show up in more anime than Colonel Sanders?

Too bad he’s already dead.

More Colonel spam:

I’m not the kind of tool who intentionally posts unclear photos of himself in a pathetic attempt to trick viewers into giving him the benefit of the doubt that he’s not ugly. This picture was taken automatically with my camera’s timer, which doesn’t seem to focus properly—a fact I didn’t realize until I’d already left town. I am such a dojikko.

Stop #3: Italian Village Pizza (Squirrel Hill Branch, Pittsburgh, PA)

This is the reason I took the northern route through Kentucky and Ohio instead of the slightly shorter eastern route through Virginia and Maryland.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I now present to you the pinnacle of human achievement:

No apologies to those of you with slow internet connections; compressing the photo would not do the pizza justice. Notice how the pizza didn’t have any toppings? That’s how good it is. Bad pizza needs toppings to cover up the taste. Mediocre and even good pizza sometimes feels like a waste if I don’t squeeze in some extra flavor through toppings. Maddox decries those who eat plain cheese pizza. Yet I love plain Italian Village Pizza. Why mess with perfection? My reaction upon tasting this pizza for the first time in two years:

While I was in Pittsburgh, I stopped by CMU, just for the hell of it.

This is what happens when your adventurism isn’t conservative. Many students hated this “artwork” when it was first put up.

The sculpture generated controversy among the student body for its appearance, the choice of location, and the lack of campus involvement in selecting and siting the piece. The campus newspaper described it as “an eyesore” and “vaguely phallic” while others have expressed displeasure at its location as one of the first things seen of the campus from Forbes Avenue.Wikipedia

I personally didn’t care, but I’ve gotta say, it looks really stupid with these new concrete braces attached. Somehow adding support to a leaning structure kills its artistic value.

The Birthplace of

Stops I didn’t make:

1. Mammoth Cave

Why would anyone pay to enter a cave?

Wouldn’t most people would pay to get out of one?

— My professor

2. West Virginia

Since I’ve been to an attraction in every state bordering WV, I considered getting out of my car at the first remotely interesting WV stop I saw. Too bad my conservative adventurism still set the bar too high for WV’s unbelievably shitty attractions (even worse than Idaho):

3. Cleveland

31 people love sucking up to me

  1. I live in California, and what you say about jobs here is very true. I can’t get a job right now to save my life. Maybe I should just lie and put on my resume “rapes teh loli and doesn’t afraid of anything.”

    Oh, your reaction to eating Italian Village Pizza is very similar to mine. Why mess with perfection, indeed? ^_^

    P.S. – Maddox sucks for making us wait this long without updates. I’m getting fed up with his shit. You’re much better than he is, Baka-kun.

  2. Should have stopped by Cleveland, because it rocks… or at least there’s that song called “Cleveland Rocks” lol.

    Yeah it’s tough getting a job these days. Even internships are hard to come by. It used to be that almost every student at my school who wanted a placement got one, now only half get placed.

  3. Whoa, if you were in “Squill” in the Burgh, you were quite close to me! I’ve walked by Italian Village Pizza so many times and yet never tried it. Is it really that orgasmically good?

  4. What an informative post, both informative AND entertaining as the Top Gear guys would say.

    I like your style a lot better than Maddox, you answer fan mail but not in a misanthropic hate way. You just cut through the BS like a machete used instead of a butter knife to spread butter on your morning toast. Like real men spread butter on their breakfast.

  5. i think i know why you didn’t get a job in california, you aren’t either a.) mexican or b.) speak mexican… thats how i got a job! i am option c.) both A and B combined! YEAH!

  6. Darnit, anime pictures of KFC makes me hungry for it, despite knowing it actually looks pretty disgusting for me.

    Dancing Queen just uncovered your plot to call Californian Mexicans pedos, Baka-Raptor.

  7. I also recently traveled, but in my case all I can say about it is that Charlotte’s public internet wouldn’t let me access your website because it has it classified as ‘pornography’ – one more reason why Charlotte reallllly sucks.

  8. You are going to work in Brentwood?? Umm, have fun there…Kidding, its not as bad now. Also, as someone who lived in Cleveland for 4 years, the Cleveland tourism videos are 100% accurate. Ahhh, the memories.

  9. Sounds more like a vacation trip to me, baka-raptor did you reaaaaaaally got a job in New York or you’re just making excuses to travel places ? this would make more sense to me….

  10. You made West Virginia seem better than it really is. (Wtf is a mystery hole? How can a hole be mysterious? It’s a hole!)

    I wish I had a job in New York. Actually I wish I had a job anywhere, I got laid off because of budget cuts by the city of New Britain, Connecticut.

    On the plus side, this seems to be the perfect time to try my luck in the porn industry, with the option of slinging crack on the side.

  11. @Eroshiyda: Nobody’s better than Maddox. Here’s his latest update.

    News (05-08-09): Two episodes are shot, I’m working on a special edition of “The Alphabet of Manliness,” as well as a calendar (13-month wall calendar), as well as another secret project. Holy shit that’s a shit ton of justification for slow updates… more soon.

    @TJ: I had to play to hometown card to get this job. It was a last resort. Now I have to live with my parents for the summer. That’s three more months without a Talk-A-Raptor…

    @Kabitzin: My endorsement of IVP wasn’t that strong. I only said it was the pinnacle of human achievement.

    @lolikitsune: Alternatively, I may be saying you’re working in CA illegally. But it seems more likely that you’re a child molester.

    @gaguri: Replica has air conditioning. Replica wins.

    @Aizen: I’ve been to Detroit. It does in fact suck.

    @animekritik: KFC in Kentucky is exactly the same as it is everywhere else. If it weren’t, KFC could lose its trademark rights.

    @Asperger’s: You don’t think I’m misanthropic? I must be doing something wrong. Time for a repost:

    @Dancing Queen: I was pretty good at Mexican back in high school. Now though, whenever I try to speak Mexican, only Japanese comes out.

    @Qwerty: But they have Kentucky Grilled Chicken now. Sellouts. The Colonel must be rolling in his grave.

    @Day: Remind me to file a First Amendment violation lawsuit against the city of Charlotte.

    @Valen: My final stop was a bit short of Brentwood. The map only shows Brentwood because Google Maps believes it’s approximately as notable as Danbury, Bridgeport, and Edison.

    @Rakuen: Athena can keep her Parthenon. I’d rather have my image engraved into the moon’s surface (not the dark side) by a giant laser.

    @j.valdez: Road trips are overrated. This one was 2 hours of pictures and 11 hours of driving. In those 13 hours you could take down a full 26 episode anime series.

    @Laguna: Here’s proof: I’m living with my parents in New York for the summer. If I didn’t have a job, I’d stay at my place in Nashville. Or bum off my brother in Chicago. Or hitchhike somewhere. Anything but living with my parents. Looks like I won’t be scoring that elusive summer romance this year either.

    @The Sojourner: Later. This won’t be the last of my road trips.

    @Glo the Legend: Porn? It’s called Adult Entertainment.

  12. I know someone from West Virginia – their family tree has a square in it.

    If it makes you feel any better, I’m having to spend a month of my summer in South Dakota.

  13. I believe we talked about this, but somehow in 2 years living and another 3 working in squirrel hill I never ate that pizza. It looks pretty glorious, just the kind of pizza that I always lamented didn’t exist in Pittsburgh.

    As for “shoes recommended,” did you spend enough time in WV to understand that? It’s not for you… it’s for the locals.

  14. Going through Maryland may have been geographically shorter but 495 and 95 are almost always backed up, at pretty much any time of the day that isn’t Saturday before noon.

  15. @Baka-Raptor: Ok i believe now, But That’s exactly why i do every of those things in the same town (dating, studying and working).
    But i’ve a great problem, as i’ve a full-time job and apply to part-time college classes… so i tend to do these three things in the same day…i’m exausthed…you can’t even imagine…

    but anyway…

    you can have romance anytime you’d like…

    or am i wrong ?

  16. Almost heaven, west virginia
    Blue ridge mountains
    Shenandoah river –
    Life is old there
    Older than the trees
    Younger than the mountains
    Growin like a breeze

    Country roads, take me home
    To the place I belong
    West virginia, mountain momma
    Take me home, country roads

  17. @otou-san: One of my many lame hobbies is to try all the pizza wherever I’m staying. Give it a shot. You might find something good wherever you are these days.

    @Shiro: Traffic was non-existent in TN and KY. It wasn’t even that bad in OH and PA. Then when I hit NJ and NY, everything started to back up.

    @Laguna: Not with my parents around. They don’t want me to know that women exist. But as soon as I graduate and get a full-time job, they’ll probably try to arrange me. Naturally, I’ll decline out of spite, no matter how attractive she is.

    @Epi: West Virginia is still more of a hick state than Tennessee or Alabama.

    @Day: I’ll rape the Myrtle Beach Airport.

    @Glo the Legend: Apparently I’ve been in the porn industry for three years. Of course you’ve got some catching up to do.

    @Z: At least they’re not India.

    @Omisyth: Yes. There’s a substitute for women (masturbation). There’s no substitute for Italian Village Pizza.

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