An Unbiased Review of God of War

Three things that sucked:

1. Not enough bosses

God of War has only three real bosses: Ares, the Hydra, and the flaming bull. All other critical fights are against either a ton of standard enemies or a handful of slightly powered-up enemies. Nobody cares about the small fries. It’s the boss fights that make a game memorable.

2. The Oracle and the Sacrifice’s whining

Look on the bright side: Kratos is doing you a favor. I’d know I’d rather be flamewiched to death than die slowly in cage from starvation or dehydration. People need to get their priorities straight.

The Oracle’s first cry for help was kind of funny because I was in the middle of opening a random treasure chest instead of trying to save her. After that she got really annoying, really fast. I even let the timer run out once (on purpose of course) for the schadenfreude of letting her body hit the floor.

There are hundreds of “Bodies” AMVs and VGMVs on YouTube. This is the best one. (Videos were judged solely on the number of bodies hitting the floor.)

3. Too many traps

My approximately 150 deaths broke down something like this:

  • 15 pre-Ares combat deaths
  • 25 Ares combat deaths
  • 110 trap deaths

I got raped by all kinds of traps: climbing traps, swimming traps, balancing traps, jumping traps, buzzsaw traps, etc. And you thought it was sad that I got my ass kicked by that bridge in Shadow of the Colossus. Such is the dexterity of a man who’s owned only three other 3D video games in his life that weren’t RPGs (DMC1, DMC3, Shadow of the Colossus).

Three things that rocked:

1. Kratos

Finally, a video game featuring a positive male role model. I was growing tired of moé male protagonists like Wanda Wander, Vaan, and Dante.

The only thing moé about Kratos is the way he sold his soul instead of accepting death like a man. He also cried once, but I’m willing to excuse that under the doctrine of manly tears.

2. Tits

Baka-Raptor: Good sir, it is my humble wish to purchase this video game from your fine shoppe.

Clerk: May I see your ID?

Baka-Raptor: ID? Thy request doth confuseth me.

Clerk: ID means identification, such as a driver’s license.

Baka-Raptor: No, smartass, why would I need ID to purchase a video game?

Clerk: Tits.

Baka-Raptor: Splendid!

3. Kratos’s final line before killing Ares

The most badass retort in video game history.

Final Score: ++

Next up: God Hand

48 Replies to “An Unbiased Review of God of War”