Hail to thee, Kamp Umineko no Naku Koro ni

After waking up from a dream about destroying Springfield Elementary School Kyoto Animation, Bart Baka-Raptor joins Lisa [your name here] warpshadow, halfadeckshort, and Alejo at the breakfast table, where they excitedly discuss spending the summer at Kamp Krusty Umineko no Naku Koro ni, a summer camp run by Krusty the Clown Studio DEEN.

A week later, the children fans of Springfield Higurashi all leave home for Kamp Krusty Umineko no Naku Koro ni. Once there, the camp’s director, Mr. Black Chiaki Kon, announces that Krusty Higurashi will not be coming to the camp for some time. Kamp Krusty Umineko no Naku Koro ni quickly turns out to be a nightmare. The cabins plot falls apart, the lake pacing is too dangerous uneven to swim in be coherent, and the kids viewers are fed nothing but Krusty Studio DEEN Brand Imitation Gruel Umineko (“Nine out of ten orphans can’t tell the difference”). Bart Baka-Raptor survives each day with the unwavering hope that Krusty Higurashi will come, also repeating the phrase “Krusty’s Higurashi’s coming, Krusty’s Higurashi’s coming” and so on.

In an attempt to keep the children viewers complacent, Mr. Black Chiaki Kon announces to the campers that Krusty Higurashi has finally come, but it’s only local drunk Barney Gumble Bernkastel badly dressed as Krusty Rika. Bart Baka-Raptor finally snaps; he leads the campers in rebellion, driving out Mr. Black Chiaki Kon and establishing Camp Bart Baka-Raptor. Krusty Ryukishi07 arrives at the camp to apologize to the kids viewers, saying that he was bribed to approve the camp adaptation. To make it up to the children viewers, Krusty Studio DEEN takes all the kids viewers to “the happiest place on Earth” Tijuana, Mexico Umineko no Naku Koro ni Episode 26. The episode ends with a montage of the kids Baka-Raptor having an excellent time.

Episode 26 was amazing. I knew my faith would pay off. The only thing that could’ve made this episode better was a Maria-beating scene, which I decided to handle personally:

After I beat up Maria, Beatrice materialized in front of me. Without Maria to believe in her, Beatrice had no choice but to acknowledge defeat. Then she started humping me. Unsure whether she’d reached the statutory age of consent, I asked Beatrice to proffer two forms of government-issued photo ID. She didn’t have any. However, she did say in red, “I am at least 18 years old.” That would never hold up in court, so I firmly rejected her. Beatrice understood.

Overall, Umineko falls far short of Higurashi (as does nearly every other anime), but every so often, you do see rays of Higurashi-level brilliance shining through.

Final Grade: ++

The first three commenters to suck up to me get to be immortalized in the [your name here] part of this shitty filler post. Any commenter who bitches about my raping of the Kamp Krusty plot will get censored.

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