In Defense of Crappy Superhero Movies

Nothing drags down the film industry like high budget crap. I'm talking about the megablockbusters that spend millions on graphics yet won't shell out a single dime for decent writing. Graphics and action aside, most people have nothing good to say about these movies.

But are crappy superhero movies really that bad?

Spiderman 3 had enough shitty writing and mindless directing to rival Naruto Filler. Nevertheless, I was actually satisfied with its overall entertainment value. When I shared this opinion with MF, he was shocked, in a non-confrontational pussy sort of way.

Damn right your expectations were too high. Were the first two Spiderman movies really that good? Yeah, probably, but there's one thing I can't stand about them:

"With great power comes great responsibility" - Uncle Ben

Is anybody else sick of people using that quote as if it's the wittiest thing they've ever heard? It's a solid line for an action movie, but as a standalone quote it's nothing special. Hell, it doesn't even have to be true. If I ever attain great power, I'm going to sit on my ass and watch anime all day. Screw Uncle Ben and his responsibility bullshit. Get that quote out of your AIM profile, forum signature, and favorite quotes list on facebook. With great overexposure comes great antagonism. At this point I'd rather see Tennis' infamous kittens and puppies quote.

That was in his profile for about two years. We get it Tennis, you're really deep, but I think I stopped caring after the first six months.

Back to the Spiderman movie � unlike MF, I expected absolutely nothing. Maybe it's because I subconsciously look down on American comic books since the ones made in Japan are so much better (just imagine how much anime could've been produced with Spiderman 3's $258 million budget). Maybe it's because I was handed a "limited edition" comic book at the theater that depicted Spiderman as a emotional little sissy-girl who was afraid to propose to his girlfriend. Maybe it's because I hadn't seen the second Spiderman movie and didn't even know that the third one existed until earlier that day. Whatever the case, I was just hoping for the bare minimum to keep me entertained, and I got it.

There are two kinds of crappy movies: the kind you can laugh at (Idolm@ster) and the kind that makes you shake your head in disgust (One Piece). I know that MF can tell the difference. He was laughing his ass off when we watched The Punisher (although maybe it's because he was drunk).

I thought Spiderman 3 was the amusing kind of crappy. When I saw Peter Parker dancing down the street, instead of thinking "You gotta be jizzin me", I thought "Yeah Yeah!".

I'm just saying that if I had that killer trombone solo for background music, I'd be dancing down the streets too. A catchy dance sequence combined with themes of hatred, suffering, and revenge...

Final Grade: +

Onto our next crappy superhero movie � Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. My review boils down to this: too much Fantastic Four, not enough Silver Surfer. You know how Hidamari Sketch should've revolved around Yoshinoya-sensei instead of those four girls? The Silver Surfer is Yoshinoya-sensei. The Fanastic Four are those four girls. You won't find this comparison anywhere else.

The best part of this movie was the chase sequence between the Silver Surfer and that fire guy. The whole movie should've been like that. The Silver Surfer flies around minding his own business (or setting the planet up for destruction), and somebody tries to pick a fight with him. Then the Silver Surfer beats him down and strikes a badass pose. Finally, he says "To me, my board" (a line conspicuously absent from the movie) and flies away, just like in the cartoon. I still remember that end of the first season:

The End?

Then the show got cancelled. I was heartbroken. At least I found the opening theme on YouTube:

I also found the 1967 version of the Fantastic Four's encounter with the Silver Surfer:

Now that's the amusing kind of crappy I was talking about. Times have changed...for the better.

Final Grade: ~

I have no right to rate the Transformers movie since I haven't seen it yet, but I'm going to do it anyway. You may not expect me to care since I've previously stated that giant robots suck, but even a blind man could see how insanely cool the Transformers look in this movie.

As far as plot and dialogue go, Transformers probably won't offer much. Then again, Transformers is the kind of film you're allowed to judge solely on its graphical merits.

Final Grade: ++

If you'd rather avoid the overhyped summer flicks and watch something original, good luck. Pretty much everything this summer is a sequel, adaptation, or in the case of Harry Potter, both.

And I'm probably missing a few.

2463 high budget spinoffs are planned for 2008