Golgo 13 vs. Hell Girl: An Objective Analysis

VS.

Round 1: Deadpan Expression

Golgo 13: Unflappable

Hell Girl: Cried once, just because she was banished from her village and buried alive

Advantage: Golgo 13

Round 2: Google Fight

Hell Girl: 3,860,000 results

Golgo 13: 548,000 results

Advantage: Hell Girl

Round 3: Hairstyle

Hell Girl: Long, shiny, silky, flowing hair

Golgo 13: The manliest sideburns in the universe

Advantage: Tie

Round 4: Professionalism

Golgo 13: The Professional

Hell Girl: Screwed up twice in 400 years (conveniently at the end of each season)

Advantage: Golgo 13

Round 5: Weaponry

Hell Girl: Magical flower beams emanating from her sleeve

Golgo 13: Everything he touches (rifles, pistols, teddy bears, balloons, etc…)

Advantage: Golgo 13

Round 6: Invincibility

Hell Girl: Over 400 years old

Golgo 13: Nobody can kill him, but he’ll die eventually of old age

Advantage: Hell Girl

Round 7: Franchise

Hell Girl: Manga running since 2005, two 26-episode animated seasons, a third season in the works, a live action spinoff, and a Nintendo DS game

Golgo 13: Manga running since 1969, two animated movies, a live action movie, a 50 episode TV series, and two NES games

Advantage: Golgo 13

Round 8: Comedy

Hell Girl: Practically nonexistent

Golgo 13: HILARIOUS (especially the sex scenes)

Advantage: Golgo 13

Round 9: Voice Acting

Hell Girl: Mamiko Noto

Golgo 13: Some guy

Advantage: Hell Girl

Round 10: Efficiency

Hell Girl: Always kills her target, only kills her target

Golgo 13: Always kills his target, occasionally takes out innocent bystanders

Advantage: Hell Girl

Round 11: Real Name

Golgo 13: Duke Togo

Hell Girl: Enma Ai

Advantage: Golgo 13

Round 12: Background Music

Hell Girl: la-la-la-la—la—la

Golgo 13: THUD

Advantage: Golgo 13

Round 13: Catch phrase

Hell Girl: Want to see what death is like?

Golgo 13: Don’t stand behind me.

Advantage: Hell Girl

Round 14: Affordability

Golgo 13: $3,000,000

Hell Girl: Your soul (anyone can afford it!)

Advantage: Hell Girl

Round 15: Trademark Infringement

Golgo 13:

Hell Girl:

Advantage: Golgo 13

Winner: Golgo 13 (8-6-1)

Tags: ,

58 people love sucking up to me

  1. blissmo says:

    I like Hell Girl better

  2. Omisyth says:

    Oh, screw your rules, Ai beats everyone. The hell could Golgo do if Ai got a revenge request, which is likely since he goes around killing everyone. But those are some MANLY side-burns.

  3. Shin says:

    What about their ℳℴℯ❤ levels?

  4. Hyunk says:

    She couldn’t stand behind Golgo, he can draw is gun an shoot in .4 sec you know! His name is DUKE, he got balls of steel.

  5. issa-sa says:

    You know what Golgo 13 needs? A mask and a maid outfit. A spiky badge would help too.

  6. kanzeon says:

    They should just fight so that Enma Ai would end up “Ippen Shinde Miru”-ing that Golgo guy… Then she wins ^^

    • Nieprawicz says:

      Nope. The Only fight which would take place between those two would by only by 2 words. It would be go like this:

      Hellgirl (knowing that Golgo can done impossible): Working…?
      Golgo (knowing nothing about her but suspecting something unusuall in her presece): …(after 2 hours of silence)………….. yeah….

      After this conversation they both decide to talk about something private but since Golgo is suscpicious He will choose publick place lake private cafeteria in some old boulding with filthy looking windows outside. Hell Girl will be there under cover as Innocent looking nerdy girl with a cap (but no glasses). Of course her companions will be there also under cloak but since Golgo have six sense when they look at him directly in eyes he will look at tchem even if he didn’t see anything. But they will shit their pants anyway. X) After some silence and private talking Golgo and Enma realize that they both are not ordinary. They probably will leave in peace couse there is nothing for both of them to fight. But her is a trick that it will get interesting…
      Let’s say that Some crazy and rch sonovabitch would believe and aquire hell link only thanks to this that her emo doughter showed him a doll with a red string after He saw Enma Ai in her room for a split second (when he came in to say “hello I’m sorry I’m being late.) Thanks to that he decided to hire Golgo and later on acces the hell link by himself as a backup just in case if Golgodecide to pull something off. He did not know that his doughter made a packt with enma to send him to hell couse she suspect him that he is an “evil man” with contacts with the mafia.

      At the same time Golgo will do his job and hell girl will follow him “under cloak” as a shadow. But after job done Golgo will turn around just in case and see Enma in her “kimono” (or some kind of kimono). And after 1 hour of silence he will ask: Working?
      Enma respond: Yes.

      To shorten up a plot and twists in this made up story the climax should go like this: Thanks to Golgo intuicion Hell Girl will fail capturing him and talking some sense into him. Duke Togo will arravie into his client mansion and wait for his doughter in her room when she came in he will pointed the gun at her and say “nice and slowly”. At the same time Enma Ai will meet again with
      Goglo’s client. And That bastard will start screaming at her that Golgo is after him. But then again Enma Ai ussually doesn’t “give a fuck” unless red string is pulled and then She will say: “then pull the red string” and the bastard will freaked out couse he suspect that his “emo Innocent looking” doughter is already at “home”(mansion). And he will head straight ahead to his mansion. Then The Bastard will finnaly be in face to face with Golgo and his doughter crying on her knees with doll in her hands. Then suddenly Enma would appear and also be quiet. Finnaly Golgo will say: “Start talking”. After boulding up some drama the father and doughter will start to “fight” each other not noticing what Enma ang Golgo are doing. And Golgo and Enma will be standing in straight line close to eachotther and in fron of the door to doughters room. Golgo will lover the gun ans say:

      -Stop it! (…3 seconds)… This is getting cliche.
      Enma Ai: Yeah.

      And at this moment emo doughter will decide to pull the string. Father will notice a movement and he will reach for his string too
      but Goglo will shot him in the head before he even touch the string. So. Enma will do her work. The father and the dougher will be sent to hell. Father for his sins and doughter fo suicide couse Golgo will put the bullet in her head also. Just in case.

      After Enma “job done” thing she will appear before Golgo and he will be waiting for her.
      Enma Ai: Why did you send her to hell?
      Goglo13: I simply had enough of this bullshit. Dougher who blame father for what who He really is. And father with personal grudge to assasin who doesn’t even know him right now. I’m getting tired and sick of this after 20th-time in my “short” line of work.
      Enma Ai: You are a sinner. You know nothing about hell…
      Golgo13: …You have right. I know nothing about your Hell… Ai…*serious look*…but for me myself…it seems like I was in Hell from the very begining.
      [And he will walks away.]
      3
      2
      1
      Enma Ai will sched a tear: You fool…
      Goglo13: *stops and look back with evil look*
      Enma Ai: …you fool…
      Golgo13: *turn and walks away.

      Punchline: After seeing that her companions will start to appear before her. And what the see will be:
      *Enma’s blush*
      -Looks like He got our mistress for good…-“old lady”[take a quess who am i talking about].

      The End

  7. C.I. says:

    But I prefer la~la~la~la~la to THUD…

  8. Valen says:

    Golgo 13 background music – “Thud”. Golgo 13 wins by forfeit.

  9. Kabitzin says:

    What about: “Would make a better Prima in Neo Venezia?”
    Advantage: Hell Girl

  10. Riex says:

    I read “objective” and immediately though “bs”. That being said…you’re still watching Golgo 13? That picture of him holding the balloons does not look manly at all.

  11. Baka-Raptor says:

    @blissmo: Because she’s short?

    @Omisyth & kanzeon: Golgo 13 would find a way to break out of hell.

    @Shin: Enma wins for moe, Golgo wins for gar. They cancel out.

    @Hyunk: And once he’s drawn he can fire three shots in .1 seconds. I hope he aims for Kikuri first.

    @issa-sa: I was originally going to match Golgo 13 against Maid Guy, but it’s shocking how much more Golgo and his show have in common with Hell Girl.

    @C.I. & Valen: No musical score can beat a solid THUD. Especially during the sex scenes.

    @Kabitzin: Be careful what you wish for…

    @Riex: I shelved Golgo 13 after three episodes. Then when I picked it up again, I couldn’t put it down. I’ll write another post about it someday…

  12. susieq says:

    But why is Caca Cala better than Deegle???

  13. Baka-Raptor says:

    @susieq: Let’s not forget TGK (TDK) and SANKO (SANYO).

  14. Laguna Loire says:

    15 round fight !! awesome they’re tough!
    But…
    Nooo !!!!!!! how can hell girl loooose ??? i want a recount judge !!! recount now !

    (PS: i would be fine if it ended in a K.O. defeat….)

  15. otou-san says:

    Don’t forget the live-action Golgo was played by Sonny Chiba. Or that he went to prison and busted out with another guy just to kill the dude immediately after. That’s hardcore.

    And SANKO — easy winner because it sounds like a television that makes instant coffee.

  16. Laguna Loire says:

    @otou-san : i like instant coffee…. 🙂

  17. Hyunk says:

    @susieq: Because it contains SHIT. (Caca = poop in french)

  18. LJ says:

    Oh, and then there’s reputations. Togo is awesome to the point of having his face used as stock art for manly shift-JIS characters. He also has the Yoshinoya rant attributed to him. Enma Ai is…Enma Ai. It’s a shame google fight doesn’t check CO.JP.

  19. Yamcha says:

    …How the hell did you even make a comparison to Ai and Golgo in the first place? Well besides the fact that they kill people.

  20. digitalboy says:

    BESt contest EVER, BEST RESULTS EVER.

  21. tomasz333 says:

    *with background thud* I would’ve thought that killing innocent bystanders is an advantage… odd. At least the final result is fathomable. Thus-far-agreeable poll result!

  22. Baka-Raptor says:

    @Laguna: It was a hometown decision.

    @otou-san: Don’t make me censor your spoilers.

    @Hyunk: ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

    @LJ: Enma probably likes her Yoshinoya with extra sauce.

    @Yamcha: They’re exactly the same. They both take requests, no questions asked, and always get the job done. I can’t think of any more comparable characters, for either Ai or Golgo.

    @digitalboy: YOU’Re damn RIGHT.

    @tomasz333: Killing extra people isn’t an advantage if you’re lazy.

  23. digitalboy says:

    @digitalboy: YOU’Re damn RIGHT.

    I’m glad you thought it looked as stupid as I did.

  24. LJ says:

    This poll is concrete proof that you can always rely on the majority to supply you with an answer that has little, if anything, to do with the truth.

  25. lolikitsune says:

    For some reason, Mizunashi Akari’s sideburns seem manlier to me than Duke Togo’s.

  26. Michael says:

    Guys, it has been proven that Baka-Raptor is a faggot.

    If he was a real guy, Enma should have won. I mean …

    OK, so he’s not a real guy.

    My name is Michael and I am a loser.

  27. Baka-Raptor says:

    @LJ: Save your cynicism for the final tally. We haven’t even hit 20 votes yet!

    @lolikitsune: Take a closer look:

    Her left sideburn is only that little triangle under the golden band holding her “pigtail”. Nothing compared to Golgo.

    @Michael: Don’t be so hard on yourself.

  28. Michael says:

    But, guys, come on! What self-respecting guy would put Golgo 13 over Enma Ai? Right? This is undeniable proof that Baka-Raptor is a homosexual! 🙂

    Right, Baka-Raptor?

    My favorite movie is Brokeback Mountain.

  29. Ok, but Golgo can only kill people, Jigoku Shoujo kills them AND sends them to hell AND sends the person who agreed to the contract to hell when they die. Hell > death.

  30. LJ says:

    She also failed hard in the end. Don’t forget that.
    Advantage Duke.

  31. Baka-Raptor says:

    @Michael: Really? Don’t worry, I won’t judge you, because I’m enlightened enough to realize that preference in entertainment isn’t determinative of sexuality.

    @A Day Without Me: But Golgo’s $3,000,000 price tag sends his clients into a hell of debt! And once they die they probably go to hell anyway.

    @LJ: “See Round 4” would sufficed.

  32. Hynavian says:

    @A Day Without Me
    Then you should read the manga “Lucu Lucu”. Hell is full because it’s too fun and the demons had to do community service while waiting to return to Hell. ^____^ Epic!

  33. LJ says:

    I simply don’t do ‘understated’. I feel I am being subtle when I refrain from gushing a complete synopsis.
    Punching angry drunks in the bladder is my way of averting fights.

  34. Baka-Raptor says:

    @A Day Without Me: And you should also read “My Balls”. It’s a hilarious manga about the Queen of Hell getting trapped in a guys balls, and if he ejaculates, the world will be destroyed. Hell + perversion = right up your alley!

    @Hyanvian: You should get a job writing descriptions on the backs of manga covers. You easily beat “About a little demon named Lucu Lucu who can manipulate her hair into any form or shape.

    @LJ: You and me both.

  35. @ Baka-Raptor – I love how steadily downhill I’m going in your opinion.

    I would’ve read My Balls if it had starred male servants of hell instead of female servants of hell.

    Hell is probably full of 4ch people. This would include me.

  36. Laguna Loire says:

    @Michael : I am not sure if baka-raptor is realy homosexual , but he surelly cannot breath fire as he claims so.

  37. LJ says:

    Street Fighter II’s Dhalsim taught me that breathing fire was the mark of enjoying Indian food (or whatever the retcon of the week is over at Capcom, always trying to avoid public backlash.) I can say with full confidence that this inability would be worn by Baka-Raptor as a badge of honor.

  38. Ez says:

    Wow, this is interesting. O_o

  39. C.I. says:

    Wait a minute, shouldn’t killing innocent bystanders give the advantage to Golgo 13?

    Also, Baka-Raptor, I shifted to http://finality.wordpress.com recently. relink please?

  40. Michael says:

    The real winner is Finnegans Wake, of course.

    Quoting Baka-Raptor, ‘get thee to a bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntonnerronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoordenenthurnuk!’

  41. Baka-Raptor says:

    @A Day Without Me: So you’re a loli-perv-satanic-4channer? What’s next? You actually like Eli Manning?

    @Laguna: But breathing fire would set off the fire detector in my building!

    @LJ: I always thought the mark of liking Indian food was pedophilia.

    @Ez: filler

    @C.I.: I already did. Did you bother checking? To punish your insolence, I’m censoring your next five comments.

    @Michael: Quoting Baka-Raptor, ‘Michael, stop trolling me’

  42. digitalboy says:

    >>loli-perv-satanic-4channer

    >______>

  43. LJ says:

    So this has been building up in my head and pestering me at my every waking moment, so I figure I might as well get it out before my thoughts become an inchoate mass of rage and word salad.
    Enma Ai is not an impressive character. Period. Full stop.
    Little girls are not scary. At all. As a matter of fact, children in general should have as little to do with the horror genre as possible, unless the director already has at least three best sellers. While empowered youths CAN make good antagonists, it’s difficult. Take, for instance, young boys. Plainly put, there is not a single group on earth more creative in ways of being monstrous assholes. Transplant this mentality to someone supposedly mature, and not only do you have equal parts fear and disgust, you also have the constant disconcerting undercurrent of perverted innocence.

    And so we come to filthy paedophiles turning everything they touch into shit, like some kind of reverse King Midas. It probably got kicked off by a misinterpretation of Ring or something. Let’s get something straight. Sadako wasn’t scary because she was a pale girl. Sadako was scary because she was a disgusting, bloated drowned corpse entrenched so deeply in the uncanny valley that I’m tempted to just refer to her character type as “Horror Elemental”. There’s just so many layers to the presentation, like the veil of hair concealing her face, that add to the overall machine of fear. There’s definately also some Jungian clusterfuck going on in there involving her gender, but I’d like to emphasize that her character was based off a type of ghost that was traditionally a woman who had been married for some time.
    Cut to several hundred imitators (Japan is really good at pretending to follow the leader, isn’t it) missing the point.
    And then we jump to paedophiles who eat, sleep and breathe moé. “HAY, WUDNT IT BE KEWL IF WE HAD A PALE LOLI WHO WUZ UNSTOPPABLE AND KILLY AND SHIT?” “Yeah, but she’s got to have gigantic bug-eyes and a mouth that doesn’t even span to the corners of her eyes!”
    And so we have the lead character who I found so uninteresting I would be content to completely ignore the series and the mob’s opinion (as per tradition) had it not been for Sarv’s review. It is here that I restrain myself and may as well put a gigantic [dialogue missing] sign up.
    Now we get to the major reason I want to remove the fingernails of the modern anime viewer with bamboo slivers.
    CHARACTERS WHO HIDE BEHIND IMMORTALITY OR INCORPOREAL NATURE ARE NOT IMPRESSIVE. THEY’RE EVEN LESS IMPRESSIVE WHEN THEY SPEW BRIGHTLY COLORED LASER BEAMS FROM THEIR RECTUMS. WHEN THEY START FLYING WITHOUT EXPLAINATION IS WHEN THE VIEWER STARTS WATCHING THE SPECIAL ON BALLPOINT PENS ON THE HISTORY CHANNEL. Conversely, if the character is even slightly plausable, then it immediately shifts the scale straight back to “badass”. Essentially, personal risk involved is the lifeblood of awesome.
    Thus, Alvin York could kick Simo Häyhä’s ass any day of the week. Simo killed 700 people in under a hundred days, but he did it from a sniper’s nest. On the other hand, Alvin captured thirty German machinegun nests (totalling 132 men in all) and killed a relatively paltry number of men (28) while under fire from at least two of them at any time, FROM THE STANDING POSITION, WITHOUT COVER. That’s some John Woo shit right there.
    With this historic example of classic badassery aside, I abruptly bring this wall of text to a screaming halt with a simple “Duke could string Ai up from a lamppost with his feet.”

    • Nieprawicz says:

      “constant disconcerting undercurrent of perverted innocence”~ are you implying thath you are a pedophile and couldn’t stand Enma’s kawaii face? Even when gentle fanservice comes in? Dude…you are a hentai. The core of anime Hell Girl is not to make you “fear” but to make you feel uncomfotable (especially due to motivations of episodic characters). Thank’s to their filthy motivations Enma character need to interact with them without showing emotions and even after 400 years of practice It will be hard as fuck. Golgo is the same thing but he wasn’t bury alive as “little girl” and killed. He is almost like Gerald from Rivia only more vicous (at the beginning of anime tV series later his character slighly change).

      And by the way: for “japanesse” mind: what behave weird on first look is also “scary”.

  44. Teeif says:

    Was that supposed to be London Piccadilly Circus?
    Cos it’s wrong.
    And I don’t mean the signs, the scale and facarde of the buildings is off.

    Was that supposed to be a 747?
    That’s wrong as well. The upper deck has more windows and produces a more pronounced curve.

    This Trademake infringement fails… I should know, I’m the worst at it! XD
    I call a tie at 7-7-1

    (You guessed it! I hate Golgo, he’s a GAR James Bond ripoff.)

  45. Baka-Raptor says:

    @digitalboy: 😕

    @LJ: [dialogue missing]

    You’re dialogue isn’t missing; it’s just hard to find in the rest of your treatise.

    I know you’ve read my prehistoric reviews, but just to reiterate for all the new fans, I agree that little girls aren’t scary:

    Enma’s one of those soft-spoken pale little girls who people think are scary for some reason. I don’t really get it, but she manages to kick sufficient ass (for a little girl)…

    My fondness of the Hell Girl series has little to do with the Hell Girl herself. Notice how all the categories Enma won were short? That’s because there isn’t much to say about her (except that she’s voiced by Mamiko Noto). Golgo 13 is about Golgo 13, but Hell Girl isn’t about Hell Girl. She has a minor role and typically doesn’t do anything interesting. There’s no question that Golgo 13 is the better character.

    You’ve caught me. I rigged the categories to make it seem competitive. And I would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids. Detective Dipshit strikes again!

    @Teeif: Your London Piccadilly Circus link was broken, so I stuck my own. I never knew this LPC existed until you brought it up. I guess it pays to have a British reader (once in a while).

  46. LJ says:

    The missing dialogue was where I would have actually talked about exactly that, had I actually felt like weakening my cause; where my argument would have fallen ass-up due to a lack if argument to launch at a non-featured character. The flank with inflatable animals instead of cavalry, if you will. I’ve just caught myself, much like you.

  47. @ Baka-Raptor – Geez, I only go on /cm.

  48. digitalboy says:

    LJ: Thanks, I hadn’t read any truly pussy-ass oppinions lately, I needed some laughs.

  49. C.I. says:

    @Baka-raptor: I fail. I shall now jump off a crevice into the deepest darkest pits of Enma Ai’s lair.

  50. LJ says:

    @digitalboy:
    Thank you, but I am very secure in my sexuality. Maybe some other day.

  51. Baka-Raptor says:

    @A Day Without Me: I have no idea what that means.

    @C.I.: Thank you for censoring yourself for me. Only 4 more to go!

    @LJ & digitalboy: Just imagine what kind of trollfest my site would be if I didn’t moderate comments…

  52. LJ says:

    Considering I was about to set him up on a lengthy chain of word-feeding that would end with me calmly telling him to stop coming on to me, it’s not hard to imagine.

  53. […] la Blog-O-Sphère, je vous invite à aller regarder l’article de Baka-Raptor (en anglais), il est hilarant. “Golgo 13 :The manliest sideburns in the […]

  54. Tyciol says:

    Pretty sure if Ai went after Golgo he would find a way to have sex with her and then snipe her.

  55. painisacupcake says:

    Dude, did you just call TESSHO MOTHERFUCKING GENDA “Some Guy” ?

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