Any “Top Anime” List without Detroit Metal City can go to Hell

A lot of bloggers have recently posted their Top N Anime of the Decade lists. I’ve never cared to write these kinds of trendy posts (though I’m more than happy to criticize them). Even if I did get in on the posts, the vast majority of my readers wouldn’t care that it was part of some blogosphere-wide circle jerk. Most of my readers don’t read other blogs, and after looking through some of these other bloggers’ top anime lists, I’m not surprised. Not a single one mentions Detroit Metal City.

But Baka-Raptor, top anime lists are subjective!

Your mom is subjective. Even if each individual list is subjective, aggregating subjective preferences across an entire community invariably drags objectivity into the picture. If DMC is so good, why isn’t it in anyone’s top five? Because most anime bloggers are pussies. Their Top Five lists are full of shows that make them feel warm and fuzzy. Where are all the AWESOME shows? The only person who wrote a Top Five list I can endorse in good conscience is Kairu, who has a shitty blog but decent taste in anime (miz’s list is also acceptable).

This wouldn’t be such a big deal if people honestly didn’t like DMC, but that’s not the case at all. DMC has received nothing but glowing praise from everyone who’s ever watched it. The problem isn’t that DMC doesn’t deserve to be in anyone’s top five; the problem is that nobody truly appreciates how great it is.

Detroit Metal City has the Best Soundtrack in the Universe

The only way I’m able to complete my harsh, imitation mountain training (9 out of 10 orphans can’t tell the difference) is by summoning Krauser’s demonic energy through my mp3 player.

Detroit Metal City is Addictive

I was going to write a first impressions post, but then I discovered that I had already finished the entire anime, so here is a review.

There are only a handful of shows I consider more addictive than DMC. They all have continuous plots. How can a show with no continuity between episodes can be addictive? I have no idea. DMC once again does the impossible.

Detroit Metal City defies Expectations

Everyone’s well aware of the first two points (badass soundtrack and addictiveness). Here’s a point that was once obvious but quickly forgotten: DMC is not supposed to be funny. The dual-life gag was beaten to death by The Flintstones. Rape is the ultimate comedic taboo. Anime comedies in general fall flat. Yet despite all this, Detroit Metal City is the funniest show I’ve ever seen.

Detroit Metal City is Intelligent

But Baka-Raptor, singing about rape and murder isn’t intelligent!

That’s what’s wrong with the modern education system. You’re taught to engage in Pavlovian fits of intellectual masturbation triggered by anything remotely metaphorical, philosophical, or—god forbid—metaphysical, yet nobody pauses to think that jokes, especially the non-satirical ones, require intelligence to create. Rewatch the Tokyo Tower episode. It’s not just the punchlines that are brilliant. Analyze the intricacy, efficiency, and subtlety of their setups. They belong in a museum.

Detroit Metal City is Moé

I can accept that some people like K-ON, so long as they admit it’s 13 episodes of trashy, repetitive, uncreative, pedophilic fanservice, but TOP FIVE ALL-TIME? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Why not pick a GOOD show with moé fanservice, like DMC? Krauser-tan is the most moé character of all time, and she would’ve won SaiMoe if anyone had told me when it was taking place or how to enter her.

In conclusion, if your name is not kluxorious, your Top Anime of the Decade list is bullshit, you are a pedophile, and I’m never speaking to you again.