Super Bowl: Giants beat Patriots 17-14

Stats: 19/34, 255 yards, 2 TD, 1 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: No

The Giants won! As a Giants fan, I could not be happier. Eli still sucks, but since the Giants won the Super Bowl, I'll give Eli a break and quit blogging about him.

Postgame Comments:

"I saw Eli break a tackle, which I don't believe he's ever done before in his life." - Sean O'Hara

Conference Championship Round: Giants beat Packers 23-20

Stats: 21/40, 254 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

Packers fans only have themselves to blame for this loss. They awakened Eli's inner dragon by pulling episodes of his favorite TV show from a local network:

"A Green Bay television station decided to have some fun this week after employees discovered that "Seinfeld" is the favorite show of quarterback Eli Manning, whose Giants are in Green Bay for Sunday's NFC Championship Game. Station officials decided to pull the episode scheduled for Saturday afternoon and replace it with a program chosen by viewers." - The Associated Press

Eli got pissed off and brought the pain to Green Bay, except instead of bringing the pain, he brought a pair of roasty toasty mittens.

The NFC sucks. Brett Favre sucks. Lawrence Tynes sucks. Eli Manning sucks. He barely completed half of his passes and the Giants still won.

Obviously, my Super Bowl pick is the Patriots.

Divisional Round: Giants beat Cowboys 21-17

Stats: 12/18, 163 yards, 2 TD, 0 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

During the 4th quarter, Eli did jack shit (except get sacked). Meanwhile, the Cowboys were given three more chances to put up points. If only they could catch the damn ball, stop committing bullshit penalties, and tackle Amani Toomer, they'd be the ones moving on.

At least Peyton lost.

Expert Analysis:

Playoff Picks:

Giants at Packers: Eli Manning sucks. Pick: Packers

Chargers at Patriots: How bad are the injuries to Rivers and Tomlinson? Then again, even if they were at full strength, it probably wouldn't matter. Pick: Patriots

Scapegoats:

#1: Patrick Crayton. Catch the damn ball.

#2: Anthony Fasano. Catch the damn ball.

#3: Tony Romo. Don't throw the ball away when you're still inside the pocket. Just because Eli Manning got away with it doesn't mean you can too.

#4: Tony Romo. Throw the ball away when you're outside the pocket.

#5: The entire Cowboys team. Stop committing bullshit penalties.

#6: The Colts defense. Losing to Rivers and Tomlinson is one thing. Losing to Volek and Turner is unacceptable.

#7: Peyton Manning. This guy just can't win in the playoffs.

Wildcard Round: Giants beat Buccaneers 24-14

Stats: 20/27, 185 yards, 2 TD, 0 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

The Giants ALWAYS win when they don't trust Eli Manning. Every single one of his 20 completions was a short pass:

10-E.Manning pass short right to 89-K.Boss to NYG 35 for 3 yards
10-E.Manning pass incomplete short right to 85-D.Tyree
10-E.Manning pass short left to 12-S.Smith to NYG 23 for 6 yards
10-E.Manning pass incomplete short middle to 12-S.Smith
10-E.Manning sacked at NYG 18 for -8 yards
10-E.Manning pass short right to 17-P.Burress to TB 49 for 4 yards
10-E.Manning pass short right to 81-A.Toomer to TB 32 for 17 yards
10-E.Manning pass short left to 81-A.Toomer to TB 19 for 10 yards
10-E.Manning pass incomplete short middle to 12-S.Smith
10-E.Manning pass short middle to 81-A.Toomer to TB 5 for 13 yards
10-E.Manning pass short middle to 27-B.Jacobs for 5 yards
10-E.Manning pass short right to 17-P.Burress to TB 46 for 11 yards
10-E.Manning pass short left to 17-P.Burress to TB 37 for 9 yards
10-E.Manning pass short middle to 12-S.Smith to TB 17 for 21 yards
10-E.Manning pass short right to 44-A.Bradshaw to TB 8 for 9 yards
10-E.Manning pass incomplete deep middle to 89-K.Boss
10-E.Manning pass short left to 27-B.Jacobs to TB 7 for 11 yards
10-E.Manning pass incomplete short right to 17-P.Burress
10-E.Manning pass short middle to 81-A.Toomer to TB 4 for 8 yards
PENALTY on NYG-10-E.Manning, Delay of Game, 5 yards
10-E.Manning pass short right to 12-S.Smith to TB 7 for 2 yards
10-E.Manning pass incomplete short right to 44-A.Bradshaw
10-E.Manning pass short right to 39-M.Hedgecock to NYG 13 for 5 yards
10-E.Manning pass incomplete deep right to 17-P.Burress. PENALTY on NYG-17-P.Burress, Offensive Pass Interference
10-E.Manning pass short middle to 81-A.Toomer to NYG 22 for 11 yards
10-E.Manning pass short right to 81-A.Toomer to NYG 40 for 11 yards
10-E.Manning pass short right to 89-K.Boss to TB 35 for 11 yards
10-E.Manning pass incomplete short right to 88-M.Matthews
10-E.Manning pass short left to 17-P.Burress pushed ob at TB 21 for 14 yards
10-E.Manning pass short right to 81-A.Toomer for 4 yards

Expert Analysis:

Playoff Picks:

Giants at Cowboys: Eli Manning sucks. Pick: Cowboys

Seahawks at Packers: The Seahawks had two lucky wildcard wins in a row. Now they'll have two second round exists in a row. Pick: Packers

Jaguars at Patriots: I'd rather bet on Eli Manning than bet against the Patriots. Pick: Patriots

Chargers at Colts: The Chargers won't win unless they do exactly what they did earlier this year: intercept Peyton Manning six times and pray for Vinatieri to miss a chip shot field goal. Pick: Colts

Scapegoats:

#1: The entire Bucs defense. Terrible. If you lose to Eli Manning, you don't deserve to be in the playoffs.

#2: Mike Tomlin/Bruce Arians/Whoever called Roethlisberger's 3rd down draw. Dumbest call in the history of football. Play to win the game, not to take up to 40 seconds off the clock.

#3: Shaun Suisham, Redskins kicker. Missed a 30-yarder, completely wasted a kickoff recovery deep in Seahawks territory.

#4: Chris Cooley, Redskins tight end. Dropped passes all day long. I wonder if he'll drop his ticket to the Pro Bowl.

#5: Santana Moss, Redskins receiver. Way to quit on the play, lazy bastard.

Week 17: Patriots beat Giants 38-35

Stats: 22/32, 251 yards, 4 TD, 1 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

Midway through the second half, the Patriots stopped screwing around and played like they wanted to win. Eli was too busy dancing with Jarend Lorenzen to notice.

Entering the 4th quarter with a 5 point lead, Eli had two opportunities to drive down the field and ensure victory. Here's how he screwed it up:

1st & 10: FUMBLED, recovered his own fumble
2nd & 11: Batted pass
3rd & 11: 4 yard pass
4th & 7: Punt

1st & 10: 6 yard run (Brandon Jacobs)
2nd & 4: 8 yard run (Brandon Jacobs), 10 yard penalty
2nd & 6: INTERCEPTED

The Patriots scored a touchdown on the ensuing drive and never looked back, giving them a perfect 16-0 record for the season.

Expert Analysis:

"Eli Manning Plays for 30 Minutes, Tom Brady Plays for 60" - AOL Sports Headline

"[E]ven if Manning reached his full potential as a passer, could he do so as a leader? With the survival instincts of Bambi's mom, it's hard to imagine he could." - David Brown

Playoff Picks:

Giants at Buccaneers: If Jeff Garcia could knock the Giants out of the playoffs as a backup for the Eagles, he can do it as a starter for the Bucs. Oh yeah, and Eli Manning sucks. Pick: Buccaneers

Redskins at Seahawks: Todd Collins is unstoppable, just like Eli Manning's watch. I haven't seen the Seahawks play this season, but I heard their running game is stoppable, just like Eli Manning. Pick: Redskins

Jaguars at Steelers: The Jaguars won soundly a few weeks ago, but if Mike Tomlin and his coaching staff are any good, they'll figure out a way to strike back. Also, a strong showing by Roethlisberger would help expose Eli Manning as a failure. Pick: Steelers

Titans at Chargers: A strong showing by Rivers would help expose Eli Manning as a failure, although a win by Vince Young wouldn't exactly hurt the cause. Pick: Chargers

Week 16: Giants beat Bills 38-21

Stats: 7/15, 111 yards, 0 TD, 2 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

Eli had 7 completions. He also threw two interceptions and fumbled five times. Therefore, for every completion Eli threw, he either fumbled or threw an interception.

Think Eli improved this season? Think again. He currently ranks 27th in qb rating (70.9), 29th in completion percentage (55.3), 31st in yards per attempt (6.2), and 1st in interceptions (19). This puts Eli at his worst qb rating since his rookie season. In other words, Eli is playing the second worst football of his already crappy 4-year career.

Eli is finally taking up a second sport. I heard he's going to try playing football. Either that or squash. He really is unstoppable.

Expert Analysis:

"Good for Eli Manning. He is starting to get it. Sunday he sported a scruffy beard -- just like big-time quarterbacks such as Brett Favre and Tom Brady -- and his Giants won. Of course, Eli is not Favre or Brady, so his beard was patchy and mostly peach fuzz. But I'm sure his ability to grow any facial hair at all inspired his team. I know it surprised me, at least. So keep an eye out for his next Citizen watch commercial: "Unstoppable � the onset of Eli Manning's puberty is." - DJ Gallo

Elsewhere in the NFL:

Fred Taylor finally makes it to the Pro Bowl. It would've been a crime for Taylor never to make it while Eli is a third alternate. He's rated 13th in the NFC behind Tono Romo, Jeff Garcia, Brett Favre, Matt Hasselbeck, Drew Brees, Kurt Warner, Donovan McNabb, Jon Kitna, Jason Campbell, Joey Harrington, Brian Griese, and Marc Bulger.

Week 15: Redskins beat Giants 22-10

Stats: 18/52, 184 yards, 1 TD, 0 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

This was the most boring game I've ever seen.

Eli's 34 incompletions were the most in a game since Joe Namath threw 35 incompletions 40 years ago.

Point: The Giants dropped a lot of passes.

Counterpoint: So did the Redskins secondary.

Expert Analysis:

Elsewhere in the NFL:

The Dolphins finally won. Now they're only the second worst team ever.

Week 14: Giants beat Eagles 16-13

Stats: 17/31, 219 yards, 1 TD, 0 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

This was the most boring game I've ever seen.

Short passes and incompletions all day long from Eli and McNabb. I wonder who'll lose his job first...

Expert Analysis:

"I'll come right out and say it. The Giants have to be the worst 9-4 team ever. In a normal NFL season, they wouldn't even sniff a playoff berth...Early in Sunday's win against the Eagles, Manning misfired on a pass, and the camera showed Tom Coughlin with his head down and hands on his knees. Glad to see he believes in his QB. The Giants are going to make the postseason without a single win over a playoff team." - Sheil Kapadia

Elsewhere in the NFL:

Todd Collins, backup quarterback for the Redskins, had a 144.6 QB rating against the Bears this week. Last week Eli Manning had a 63.0 QB rating against the Bears. Therefore, the Redskins' backup QB is 2.3 times better than Eli Manning.

Week 13: Giants beat Bears 21-16

Stats: 16/27, 195 yards, 1 TD, 2 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

Recently, the media's been trying to psychoanalyze Eli Manning. Why doesn't he look like he gives two shits when he throws an interception? Is he depressed? Schizophrenic? Crying for help?

Give the kid a break. He's not crazy � he just sucks. As the reigning interception king of the NFL, how could you expect him to be happy? I tried to find out in an exclusive fake post-game interview:

Me: Welcome Elisha, please have a seat.

Elisha: I prefer to be called Eli.

Me: Nobody cares.

Elisha: Sorry.

Me: I heard that you suck. Is it true?

Elisha: Yes, definitely.

Me: I also heard a rumor that you're not really a member of the Manning family. Is that true too?

Elisha: Yeah, my real father is a vacuum cleaner. That's why I suck so much.

Me: Do you have any scapegoats for why you suck?

Elisha: The New York media, no superstar 3rd wide receiver, the success of Roethlisberger and Rivers, Peyton's shadow, Tiki's mouth, Strahan's holdout, Burress' ankle, Toomer's inability to be as tall as Burress, Shockey's offseason training in Miami, the reshuffled offensive line, John Hufnagel, mud, wind, gravity, jet lag, mean fans, and scary defensive linemen.

Me: How did you stay in the game after a terrible start?

Elisha: I never stopped believing in myself. Haha, just kidding. I got bailed out by an incredible running game, the Bears' overall defensive ineptitude, a lucky throw that barely hit a wide open Amani Toomer, conservative play calling to limit my incompetence, and an untimely drop by Devin Hester.

Me: What was it like getting sacked by Darwin Walker?

Elisha: I don't remember...

Expert Analysis:

Elsewhere in the NFL:

The latest worthless prima donna quarterback with a commercial: Brady Quinn.

What's that Quinn? You're "kinda busy on Sundays"? Yeah jackass, you're really busy holding a clipboard for the guy who actually showed up to training camp.

Week 12: Vikings beat Giants 41-17

Stats: 21/49, 273 yards, 1 TD, 4 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

Eli Manning exploited the Vikings' 32nd ranked pass defense for 65 yards and -2 touchdowns.

Then for touchdowns:

So Eli Manning's net contribution was 65 yards and -2 touchdowns. At least Peyton wasn't observing Eli's humiliation from the stands. Oh wait, he was.

Expert Analysis:

"Eli�s brother, Peyton, watched the game from a luxury suite that we hope was equipped with air sickness bags. Peyton does endorsements for nearly every major company in America; after Sunday�s performance Eli is eligible to be a spokesman only for Lasik and guidedogsofamerica.org" - Jim Souhan

Elsewhere in the NFL:

Eli Manning threw 4 interceptions against the Vikings.

Week 11: Giants beat Lions 16-10

Stats: 28/39, 283 yards, 1 TD, 0 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

You know you're having a bad day when Brandon Jacobs (4 rec, 49 yards) is your top receiver. But wait, I thought that Eli Manning didn't have a reliable fourth option!

"Manning's completion percentage is 59.4 percent, below where it needs to be, but he's trying to manage with a severely injured No. 1 receiver and without a reliable fourth option." - Arthur Staple

Great point. I mean, every other team in the NFL has a reliable fourth option. Quick � name the fourth option for the Jacksonville Jaguars. Give up? How about the third option. Second option? First option?

Anyway, I'll admit that Eli was clutch down the stretch. Instead of throwing interceptions on his final two drives, he threw an incomplete pass and took a sack.

3-4-NYG 33 (3:04) (Shotgun) 10-E.Manning sacked at NYG 26 for -7 yards (98-K.Edwards).

3-10-NYG 20 (1:43) 10-E.Manning pass incomplete short right to 81-A.Toomer (25-F.Bryant).

What a responsible decision maker. That's the kind of game management you'd expect from the quarterback of the future.

Expert Analysis:

"7 Myths of the 2007 NFL Season

2) Eli Manning is having a breakout season - Who has more passing yards, Joey Harrington or Eli Manning? Who has a higher completion percentage? More completions? Higher QB rating? Yards per attempt? If you answered yes to Joey Harrington on each statistic you are correct.

Now who has the 15th ranked scoring and 15th ranked yardage defense and who has the 12th ranked scoring defense and the 7th ranked yardage defense? Who has the 20th ranked rush offense as opposed to the 6th ranked rush offense? Who has Plaxico Burress, Jeremy Shockey, and Brandon Jacobs? Who has Roddy White, Michael Jenkins, and an aging Warrick Dunn?

My point is that the media is portraying 2007 as Eli Manning�s breakout season. The validation we have been waiting for that he is an elite QB. I would rather have 15-20 QBs in the NFL over him. Just because he shares the same last name as Archie and Peyton does not make him a good QB. I have never been witness to a more over hyped team or an over hyped player.

The three best games on the Giants schedule have seen them lose by a combined score of 111-68 or by an average of 14.3 points per game. All three contests were lost by double digits. Two of those games were in New York. Their 6 game winning streak came by a combined score of 152-79 or by 12.17 points per game. The problem is those 6 games came against Washington, Philadelphia, New York Jets, Atlanta Falcons, San Fran 49ers, and Miami Dolphins. Teams with a combined winning percentage of 15-40 or a winning percentage of .230. When you consider that the Jets only victory is over the Dolphins and the Falcons have a victory over the 49ers it is really bad. There has never been a team this hyped over beating teams of such little consequence in recent memory.

As for Eli Manning. In the opener against the Giants he had 312 yards and 4 touchdowns against one pick. Since then he has one 300-yard game against Atlanta. He has no games with more than 2 touchdown passes. His highest rating is 87.9 against Atlanta. He has 4 out of 8 games where he hasn�t gotten to 200 yards. He has 10 passing touchdowns and 1 rushing touchdown compared to10 picks to go along with 3 lost fumbles. His season QB rating is 78.6, which includes the first Cowboys game.

What am I missing here? I would love to have any NFL expert or New York Giants fan explain to me why this is being labeled as Eli Manning�s break out season. Explain to me why he can�t play better with a top 10 run game and two Pro Bowl caliber targets. Why were the Giants being labeled as arguably the second best team in the NFC heading into that game? Why were the Giants picked by anyone to beat the Cowboys?

While the Giants will probably win 10 games and make the playoffs, this team doesn�t have a shot of beating either Dallas or Green Bay unless those teams beat themselves. They might not even win their first round game. They don�t have a chance of going anywhere in the near future with Eli Manning playing the way he has this season. With him now in his 4th year of playing, it is doubtful if he will ever play better." - StreetCred's Blog

Elsewhere in the NFL:

Wow, Rex Grossman went one whole game without throwing an interception.

Week 10: Cowboys beat Giants 31-20

Stats: 23/34, 236 yards, 1 TD, 2 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

Here's what Eli Manning did right:

• He didn't throw any interceptions until his 6th pass
• Chris Snee recovered his fumble

Eli Manning's shitty play was unstoppable, just like his light-fueled Citizen Eco-Drive:

Eli got called for three delay of game penalties in the second half. How can you do watch commercials when you can't even read the game clock? What message is that supposed to send about your product? You can be late three times in half an hour, just like Eli Manning! Someone should get fired for this shit. At least they put one of his less hideous poses in the ad.

Expert Analysis:

"Under heavy pressure by blitzing defenses, Roethlisberger and Romo shifted into schoolyard mode, eluding rushers and scrambling and creating plays when everything around them broke down.

Manning? In the crucible of a must-have game, he got called for three delay-of-game penalties in the second half, looking as dazed as someone forced to watch two hours of his famous brother�s TV commercials." - Rich Cimini

Elsewhere in the NFL:

6 picks for Peyton. He should make a commercial about it.

Week 9: Bye week

Stats: N/A

Did Eli Manning Suck: Probably

Halfway through the best season of his career, Eli Manning is ranked:

• T-5th in incompletions (104)
• T-5th in interceptions (9)
• T-17th in 20+ yard passes (18)
• 17th in yards (1,584)
• 19th in passer rating (79.5)
• 26th in yards per attempt (6.4)
• 27th in completion percentage (58.2)
• 27th in first down percentage (30.9)

Rankings are out of the 34 NFL quarterbacks who've attempted at least 14/passes per game.

Expert Analysis:

Word on the Street:

"[F]unny note on Eli. While signing footballs, he would toss them back while going to the next group of kids. One of his throws back did not make it back over the 4 ft high fence. Kinda funny."

Elsewhere in the NFL:

Petyon Manning lost. He should make a commercial about it.

Week 8: Giants beat Dolphins 13-10

Stats: 8/22, 59 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

I know what you're thinking, and no, the stats don't tell the whole story. That's where the pictures come in:

This was arguably Eli's shittiest game of the year: 36% completion rate, 2.67 yards per attempt, 0 touchdowns, 44.8 QB rating, and a lost fumble. But the Giants won, so none of that matters, right?

Expert Analysis:

"I wish I could've had a few more completions" - Eli Manning

"In 1814, the British burned Washington and bombarded Fort McHenry in Baltimore while Francis Scott Key, watching the fireworks from a jail cell, wrote the "The Star Spangled Banner." It took us 193 years, but we finally got revenge: We made the Brits sit and listen to our national anthem. As further punishment, we gave them the New York Giants�Miami Dolphins game. It's too early to call the 13-10 win by the Giants the worst football game of the year, but it was probably the worst since the Rutgers-Princeton game in 1869...

To viewers on this side of the pond, Eli Manning looked worse than the face of a British heavyweight. It's true that Manning was hampered by a soggy turf and slick ball, but given their traditional sense of fairness, British officials arranged for the turf and ball to be equally perilous for Miami quarterback Cleo Lemon. In a personal showdown, Lemon ate Manning's tea and scones, completing 17 of 30 passes for 149 yards. It wasn't much, but compared to Eli's eight of 22 for 59 yards, Lemon looked like Manning�Peyton Manning." - Allen Barra

Elsewhere in the NFL:

The Chargers and Saints finally got back from training camp.

Is this the same Brett Favre who totally sucked two years ago?

Week 7: Giants beat 49ers 33-15

Stats: 18/31, 146 yards, 2 TD, 1 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

Just when you thought Eli Manning couldn't get any more worthless, he puts up 146 yards on 31 attempts. That's 4.7 yards per pass attempt. What did the Giants running backs average? 4.7 yards per rush.

Eli's season average is now 6.7 yards per pass attempt, putting him behind such gunslingers as Damon Huard and Chad Pennington.

Did somebody say "game manager"?

Expert Analysis:

"But of all the encouraging things we saw at the Meadowlands...there was an even more satisfying development. Namely, Eli Manning stealing a page out of the Harry Potter books, covering himself in a cloak of invisibility...

In Tom Coughlin's 10-minute postgame press conference, Manning's name wasn't mentioned once - not in passing, not peripherally, not hinted, not whispered, not uttered, not at all...

A little while later, as Manning mounted the podium for his weekly state-of-the-union address, there were exactly 11 people inside the cavernous interview room. Eleven! Manning actually waited a bit to see if there would be any stragglers, and as he did two people left to go talk to other players." - Mike Vaccaro

Elsewhere in the NFL:

Dear United Kingdom,

I'd like to apologize on behalf of the entire western hemisphere for making your first NFL regular season game a matchup between Eli Manning and the Miami Dolphins.

Week 6: Giants beat Falcons 31-10

Stats: 27/39, 303 yards, 2 TD, 2 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

If you ignore Eli's interceptions, his batted passes, his lost fumble, and the general shittiness of the 2007 Atlanta Falcons, you might've been impressed with Eli's performance.

Does it surprise anyone that Eli Manning is supposedly better off the play action? That's just saying that Eli is more threatening to opposing defenses when he looks like he's handing the ball off. When your backfield tandem of Brandon Jacobs, Reuben Droughns, and Derrick Ward piles up 188 rushing yards for the second straight week, defenses have to respect the play action.

Expert Analysis:

"It's really tough to give a guy who went a 27-for-39 for 303 yards and two touchdowns a 'Wet Willie.' The two bad interceptions Manning threw, however, were the only reasons Atlanta still had any hope midway through the fourth quarter. Thankfully, the Falcons awful offense couldn't take advantage." - ETVal

Elsewhere in the NFL:

Devin Hester and Adrian Peterson are ridiculous

Week 5: Giants beat Jets 35-24

Stats: 13/25, 186 yards, 2 TD, 1 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

Eli Manning's first half stats: 3/10, 22 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT, 0.0 QB rating

It gets worse. Eli threw the Giants out of field goal range twice in the first half: once on an interception and once for intentional grounding.

The Giants finished with more rushing yards than passing yards.

Eli Manning didn't convert a single third down in the entire game.

Eli's gets credit for a 53-yard TD to Plaxico that travelled about 5 yards in the air.

Expert Analysis:

"Eli Manning, N.Y.G.: The most-productive thing he has done this season is appear in a commercial where the family dog has more lines than him." - Freep.com

Elsewhere in the NFL:

Leinart's out for the season. That's one less crappy prima donna quarterback to watch.

That Monday Night Football game between the Bills and Cowboys was both the saddest and most exciting game I've seen all year.

Week 4: Giants beat Eagles 16-3

Stats: 14/26, 135 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

Here's where I'd normally post an unflattering image of Eli Manning (yes, I know that's redundant), except I couldn't find one for this week's game, probably because Eli didn't do shit. Averaging a dismal 5.2 yards per pass attempt, at least Eli played conservatively enough not to screw things up too badly, except for that interception in the red zone off what would've been a 7-yard pass.

1-10-PHI 15 (1:29) (Shotgun) 10-E.Manning pass short left intended for 80-J.Shockey INTERCEPTED by 96-O.Gaither at PHI 8. 96-O.Gaither pushed ob at NYG 43 for 49 yards (10-E.Manning).

How crappy is 5.2 yards per pass? So far this season, only the following quarterbacks have a worse average:

• Gus Frerotte (4.8)
• David Carr (4.7)
• Trent Dilfer (3.9)
• Jared Lorenzen (3.5)
• Charlie Frye (3.4)
• Luke McCown (2.3)
• Anthony Wright (2.0)

Eli did manage a perfectly thrown touchdown pass to Plaxico Burress, and by perfectly thrown, I mean he chucked it high enough that Plaxico (6-5) could grab it over the back of Sheldon Brown (5-10).

Expert Analysis:

"Passing game: C-minus

Eli Manning had his worst game in a long while, throwing for just 135 yards. The Eagles' defense will do that to you, however. The Giants' offensive line continued to do a solid job, allowing just one sack. But Manning was off target, especially in the second half (3-of-9)." - Vinny DiTrani

"Word on the street was that a more mature, increasingly confident Eli Manning was playing the best football of his career...after what the football universe witnessed from the Meadowlands, it's safe to say they're still not convinced." - Stephen Edelson

Elsewhere in the NFL:

Can Kurt Warner come back to New York as a "No-Huddle Specialist"?

If the Cardinals winning with Kurt Warner will irreparably harm Matt Leinart's confidence, then Leinart's a pussy who shouldn't be playing football in the first place.

Week 3: Giants beat Redskins 24-17

Stats: 21/36, 232 yards, 1 TD, 2 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

The Giants finally won a game, no thanks to Eli Manning's two interceptions and a lost fumble.

As usual, Eli Manning threw worthless third down passes short of the marker:

3-10-WAS 25 (8:09) (Shotgun) 10-E.Manning pass short middle to 80-J.Shockey to WAS 16 for 9 yards (24-S.Springs, 59-L.Fletcher).

3-8-NYG 22 (12:38) (Shotgun) 10-E.Manning pass short middle to 34-D.Ward to NYG 29 for 7 yards (20-P.Prioleau).

3-9-NYG 45 (4:54) (Shotgun) 10-E.Manning pass short middle to 81-A.Toomer to WAS 49 for 6 yards (24-S.Springs).

3-10-NYG 32 (1:42) (Shotgun) 10-E.Manning pass intended for 80-J.Shockey INTERCEPTED by 59-L.Fletcher (92-D.Evans) at NYG 43. 59-L.Fletcher to NYG 34 for 9 yards (34-D.Ward).

3-7-WAS 41 (6:12) (Shotgun) 10-E.Manning pass incomplete short middle to 17-P.Burress (24-S.Springs). PENALTY on WAS-24-S.Springs, Defensive Pass Interference, 7 yards, enforced at WAS 41 - No Play.

3-11-NYG 11 (2:39) 10-E.Manning pass short right to 34-D.Ward pushed ob at NYG 21 for 10 yards (53-M.Washington).

His only touchdown came on a quick slant to Plaxico, a pass that the commentators acknowledged as "a poor play on Eli Manning's part".

Expert Analysis:

On Eli Manning's second interception:

"I don�t know what Eli thought he was doing, heaving that ball downfield. It was as good as a punt, I guess, but it was on first down." - Rich Tandler

Elsewhere in the NFL:

Rex Grossman is finally getting benched!

Week 2: Packers beat Giants 35-13

Stats: 16/29, 211 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

Goddamn, Eli Manning is a pansy. Remember that separated shoulder he was crying about? You know, the one that was expected to keep him out for 4 weeks? It was all bullshit. Maybe he was crying enough for it to seem like a 4-week injury.

The Giants were trailing going into the 4th quarter, but they had a chance to come back. It was ruined when Eli:

• Threw an interception
• It was caught by a defensive lineman
• The lineman was standing five yards away
• It hit the lineman square in the numbers
• Eli wasn't hit as he threw
• The ball wasn't tipped
• Eli was trying to throw the ball away

Thanks to that, Grandpa Favre looked like a hero.

Expert Analysis:

"Before the game, Favre was seen playfully massaging Eli Manning's injured throwing shoulder" - NFL.com

Elsewhere in the NFL:

Why, exactly, did the Patriots need to cheat?

The Browns beat the Bengals 51-45. Apparently the Giants don't have the worst defense in the NFL.

Week 1 : Cowboys beat Giants 45-35

Stats: 28/41, 312 yards, 4 TD, 1 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: No

I can't believe it! Eli Manning was awesome! For the first time ever, Eli Manning did exactly what Giants fans have been praying for � he got injured!

The End? Probably not, but he's out for at least 4 weeks.

Expert Analysis:

"He didn't feel like his voice was going to be strong enough and it showed," Barber said of Manning. "Sometimes it was almost comical the way that he would say things." - Tiki Barber on Eli Manning's leadership last season

Elsewhere in the NFL:

The Patriots spied on the Jets? Why would they need to?

After getting rocked by the Steelers, the Browns clearly need rookie Brady Quinn to take over at quarterback. If only he weren't an Eli Manning-like asshole who held out on contract negotiations until the end of training camp.

Super Bowl : N/A

Stats: 0/0, 0 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

The Colts won the Superbowl. Expect Peyton Manning to make twice as many shitty commercials next season. The end of the universe? You bet. Now people are going to think that Eli Manning can win a Superbowl too. At least it'll make Eli look like more of a failure in the long run.

Speaking of quarterbacks who suck, Rex Grossman sucks. What do you call Rex Grossman + Plaxico Burress? Eli Manning. Don't even get me started on the Bears defense. I can't write anymore.

Conference Championship Round: N/A

Stats: 0/0, 0 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

Earlier this week, I almost decided to forgive Eli Manning for being a shitty quarterback who veritably wrecked the Giants' past, present, and future. Then I discovered embarassing footage of him singing karaoke.

Elsewhere in the NFL:

Before I get to my Superbowl pick, here are the scapegoats from last week's picks:

Scapegoat #1: Soldier Field, home of the Chicago Bears. It's got to have the shittiest turf in the NFL since the Eagles left Veterans Stadium.

Scapegoat #2: Drew Brees, quarterback of the New Orleans Saints. He's a great quarterback with a hot wife, but intentional grounding in the end zone?

Scapegoat #3: The NFL rulebook. If intentional grounding in the end zone counts for a safety, why doesn't pass interference in the end zone count for a touchdown?

Scapegoat #4: Reche Caldwell, wide receiver of the New England Patriots. He dropped two wide open passes that could've put the game away.

Scapegoat #5: Bullshit penalties. The Patriots got screwed by an illegal motion, an illegal shift, 12 men in the huddle, and a roughing the passer penalty.

Scapegoat #6: Eli Manning. Just look at this loser:

And now for the Superbowl pick:

Colts vs Bears: I can't pick the Colts. They've already screwed me three times and caused the universe to explode. Only the Bears make things right. Pick: Bears

Divisional Round: N/A

Stats: 0/0, 0 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: No

With a quarterback rating of NaN (not a number), Eli Manning had his best week of the year. Since the Giants are now out of the playoffs, he spent the week in his mom's basement reading up on how much he sucks:

Elsewhere in the NFL:

Once again, my playoff predictions were absolutely perfect, except for those damn Colts, but that's not my fault, because I have scapegoats:

Scapegoat #1: Ray Lewis, middle linebacker of the Ravens. Peyton Manning sucked enough to be intercepted twice, and he would've been intercepted twice more if Ray Lewis hadn't tried to be a hero. He tipped two of Peyton's passes right before they were about to fall into the hands of safety Ed Reed.

Scapegoat #2: The officials. On one of Peyton Manning's interceptions, the referees ruled the interceptor out of bounds, even though he cleanly lateralled the ball to a fellow defender in what should've been a huge return.

Scapegoat #3: Eli Manning. He gave Steve McNair, quarterback of the Ravens, the impression that it's ok for a starting NFL quarterback to play like shit.

Now for the picks:

Patriots at Colts: The Colts actually match up pretty well against the Patriots, but there's no way I can bet on the Colts. Not now. Not after they've ruined my perfect calls for two weeks in a row. If they win this week too, the universe will explode. Pick: Patriots

Saints at Bears: I would've picked the Bears about 10 weeks ago, but right now their defense has just enough holes to let Drew Brees get to business. Pick: Saints

Wildcard Round: Eagles beat Giants 23-20

Stats: 16/27, 161 yards, 2 TD, 1 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

Eli's first pass of the game should've been intercepted.

Another pass that should've been intercepted turned out to be his biggest play of the day:

1-10-NYG39 (:43) E.Manning pass incomplete deep middle to P.Burress (S.Brown). PENALTY on PHI-S.Brown, Defensive Pass Interference, 47 yards, enforced at NYG 39 - No Play.

Eli hit Plaxico for two easy touchdowns when he was wide open in the end zone. The rest of Eli's goal line play was disgusting:

1-3-PHI3 (5:40) E.Manning pass incomplete short right to T.Barber (O.Gaither).
2-3-PHI3 (5:36) T.Barber up the middle to PHI 2 for 1 yard (M.Patterson; D.Howard).
3-2-PHI2 (4:53) E.Manning pass incomplete short left to J.Shockey (S.Brown).

1-10-PHI14 (:36) E.Manning pass short right to J.Finn ran ob at PHI 6 for 8 yards (O.Gaither).
2-2-PHI6 (:04) T.Barber right end to PHI 6 for no gain (S.Rayburn).
3-2-PHI6 (15:00) E.Manning pass incomplete short left to S.Moss (S.Brown).

Is Eli Manning impressing anyone? Not according to the official Dunkin' Donuts fan poll on Giants.com:

Great work Eli, you're 3% more heroic than the fucking punter. The Giants season is now over, and as I've been saying since 2004, it's all because Eli Manning sucks.

Expert Analysis:

"That was Manning's season in a nutshell � The Great Big Tease that morphs into The Great Big Vanishing Act that ultimately becomes The Great Sad Finish" - Michael P. Geffner

"Archie tried to comfort his youngest son, whose lip quivered as his brown eyes stared ahead. In that moment you couldn't help but feel bad for Eli, who seemed vulnerable and childlike in his father's arms." - Brian Ettkin

Elsewhere in the NFL:

Three of my four picks from last week won. You might be thinking to yourself, "wait...does that mean Baka-Raptor was actually wrong about something?!". No, because I have scapegoats:

Scapegoat #1: Mike Solari, offensive coordinator of the Kansas City Chiefs. When I said last week that Larry Johnson would run all over the Colts, I meant he'd run all over the Colts barring shitty play calls. The Chiefs started out running on all the obvious running downs, even though the Colts were obviously baised towards stopping run. why not throw a little to the wide receivers? Dante Hall was the only receiver to catch a pass, and he only caught two.

Scapegoat #2: Lawrence Tynes, place kicker for the Kansas City Chiefs. How the hell do you miss a 23-yard field goal?

Scapegoat #3: Eli Manning, quarterback of the New York Giants. Eli gave Trent Green, quarterback of the Chiefs, the impression that it's ok for a starting NFL quarterback to play like shit. What kind of asshole ruins a game by slipping off a critical snap?

Now for this week's picks:

Colts at Ravens: Watching the Ravens annihilate the Steelers on two separate occassions made me a believer. Peyton Manning was intercepted three times against the Chiefs, and as I predicted, he rolled his eyes and made stupid faces. The Ravens will close the deal and make him cry like a sissy. Pick: Ravens

Patriots at Chargers: They're both legitimately good teams, but the Patriots are slightly more legitimate. Pick: Patriots

Eagles at Saints: The Eagles have been solid over the past 6 games, but the Saints have been solid all season. This will probably be the least ugly NFC game of the playoffs. Pick: Saints

Seahawks at Bears: You never know with the Bears. Pick: Bears

Week 17: Giants beat Redskins 34-28

Stats: 12/26, 101 yards, 1 TD, 0 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

In an attempt to pin a scapegoat for Eli Manning's shitty season, Tom Coughlin fired his offensive coordinator and assigned play-calling duties to the quarterbacks coach...

...and Eli Manning still sucked. On the bright side, he threw for 3 more completions, 27 more yards, and one less interception than he had last week.

This game was all Tiki Barber. He put up a franchise record of 234 yards and 3 touchdowns on 23 carries. Without Tiki next year, Eli Manning doesn't stand a chance of taking the Giants to the playoffs.

Expert Analysis:

"Call it the wimp factor. Giants coach Tom Coughlin admitted this week that Eli Manning's reluctance to stand in the pocket and absorb a full-frontal hit could be affecting his effectiveness as a passer. Television analysts, such as FOX's Brian Baldinger and the NFL Network's Mike Mayock, have mentioned several times Manning's tendency to not step into his throws and turn sideways after he lets the ball go to protect himself from blows." - Paul Domowitch

Elsewhere in the NFL:

Here are my wildcard playoff predictions. If you've been looking for an excuse to bet your life savings, keep in mind that I'm never wrong.

Jets at Patriots: Even though the Patriots may seem like the better team on paper, the Jets pulled off a killer victory against them earlier this season. That's not going to happen again. Sure, the Jets' coach Eric Mangini knows the Patriots organization inside and out, but he already played his cards in their last meeting. This time around, Bill Belichick will know how to fight back. Pick: Patriots

Chiefs at Colts: Larry Johnson will be unstoppable against the small porous run defense of the Colts. Peyton Manning will roll his eyes, make stupid faces, and cry like a sissy. Pick: Chiefs

Cowboys at Seahawks: The Seahawks are out of sync due to injuries, but the Cowboys just lost to the Lions. Pick: Seahawks

Giants at Eagles: Eli Manning sucks, Shockey is injured, and the Giants defense has been terrible lately. Pick: Eagles

Week 16: Saints beat Giants 30-7

Stats: 9/25, 74 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

Sad: Eli Manning threw for only 74 yards. The Giants didn't convert a single third down and never ran a play inside Saints' territory.

Sadder: Eli's stats without his underthrown 55-yard touchdown pass to Plaxico Burress on the opening drive: 8/24, 19 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT.

Saddest: I'm not even sure thas this was his worst game of the season, let alone his career.

Last week John Madden coined the phrase "none-yard pass" (see Week 15). Let's see if it applies to Eli Manning:

3-17-NYG17 (7:57) (Shotgun) E.Manning pass short left to T.Barber to NYG 19 for 2 yards (C.Grant).

3-18-NYG25 (7:14) (Shotgun) E.Manning pass short left to T.Barber to NYG 31 for 6 yards (F.Thomas, S.Fujita).

The fans were right to boo, and contrary to Peyton Manning's sugarcoating, they weren't saying "mooooooooooooovers".

Postgame Comments:

Elsewhere in the NFL:

The NFC sucks.

Week 15: Eagles beat Giants 36-22

Stats: 28/40, 282 yards, 0 TD, 2 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

Interception #1: Eli Manning's pass bounced off the helmet of a relatively short defensive lineman who wasn't even standing straight up. The ball hung in the air and got picked off.

Interception #2: A defender was quickly closing in on Eli Manning, but instead of responsibly taking the sack or throwing the ball away, Eli held onto the ball until the very last second and forced an idiotic pass attempt. The defender easily knocked Eli down as he threw the ball, which was then picked off and returned for the touchdown that sealed the Giants loss with less than 3 minutes left in the game.

Postgame Comments:

"I saw the blitz coming but I thought I could hold long enough to get the ball to Plaxico. Obviously I made the mistake. I should have just thrown it to Shockey and got five yards." - Eli Manning

Expert Analysis:

"When Eli Manning said he wanted no part of San Diego, he did the Chargers an enormous favor.

Trading Manning's rights netted the Chargers three players that were voted to this season's Pro Bowl -- quarterback Philip Rivers, linebacker Shawne Merriman and kicker Nate Kaeding. Rivers was the centerpiece of the trade, the Giants' first-round pick in 2004.

The Chargers selected Kaeding with the 2004 third-round pick they acquired from the Giants. And San Diego picked Merriman with the 2005 first-round pick it landed from New York.

Anytime a team can deal one player for three Pro Bowl ones, it is going to be contending for many Super Bowls. San Diego already is." - Adam Schefter

Elsewhere in the NFL:

John Madden just coined the term "none-yard pass" to describe short passes with no big-play potential when long yardage is necessary. Hmmm...

The "legendary" Archie Manning was undeniably a shitty quarterback. According to the sports blog Kissing Suzy Kolber:

"Drew Brees is the best quarterback to ever play for New Orleans. Now, this doesn't take much. The most acclaimed passer in Saints history is Archie "The Meddler" Manning. Here are Manning's career numbers:

2011-3642 23911 yds 55.2% 125 TD's 171 INT's 67.3 Rating

Gahhhhhhh!!!! That's fucking awful. Captain Big Ears threw 20 or more picks in a season four goddamn times and had a career record of 47-139-3. Of course, he's a Manning, so none of that could have been his fault."

Week 14: Giants beat Panthers 27-13

Stats: 17/33, 172 yards, 3 TD, 0 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

Here's a familiar sight: Eli Manning barely completed half of his passes and couldn't break 200 yards. You might think his 3 touchdowns were something praiseworthy, but no, they were typical Eli Manning passes. His first was a lob to Plaxico Burress, and his last two were short passes to wide open receivers at the goal line where the defense was overly focused on stopping the threat of a Brandon Jacobs run.

For some reason the Philidephia vs Washington game took precedence over the Giants game on FOX this week, so once again, I had to follow the game on that shitty NFL.com web app:

Why didn't anybody listen to Eli Manning when he said that his favorite sport was squash?

Expert Analysis:

Elsewhere in the NFL:

LaDainian Tomlinson just set the NFL single season touchdown record with the Chargers. Drew Brees threw five touchdowns as the Saints utterly annihilated the Cowboys. I'm not ready to call it, but a Saints vs Chargers Superbowl would really make Eli Manning look like a dumbass.

The Colts let the Jaguars run for 375 yards on them. Sorry Peyton Manning, you'll never reach the Superbowl.

Week 13: Cowboys beat Giants 23-20

Stats: 24/36, 270 yards, 2 TD, 0 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

Down by three points on two critical 1st & Goal situations in the second half, the Giants had to settle for field goals. Hmmm...I wonder if Eli Manning had anything to do with it...

1-4-DAL4 (5:31) E.Manning pass incomplete short right to P.Burress.
2-4-DAL4 (5:21) T.Barber up the middle to DAL 5 for -1 yards (A.Ayodele).
3-5-DAL5 (4:41) E.Manning pass incomplete short middle to J.Shockey (A.Henry).

1-8-DAL8 (10:42) B.Jacobs right tackle to DAL 4 for 4 yards (A.Henry).
2-4-DAL4 (10:01) E.Manning pass incomplete short middle to T.Barber.
3-4-DAL4 (9:52) E.Manning pass incomplete short right to P.Burress (A.Glenn).

Other than at the 4-yard line, Eli Manning completed 4-yard passes all day. As for the rest of his 270 yards...

2-16-NYG38 (13:14) (Shotgun) E.Manning pass short right to B.Jacobs to DAL 19 for 43 yards (R.Williams, A.Henry).

1-10-DAL40 (2:00) (Shotgun) E.Manning pass short middle to T.Barber to DAL 12 for 28 yards (A.Glenn, K.Davis).

Only two of Eli's 36 passes were deep attempts. If yards after the catch didn't count towards his total, Eli Manning would've never broken 200 yards. Regardless, the suck-ups are only going to look at his stats and say that Eli broke out of his slump. What about Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo's stats? They don't look great on paper, but he clearly outplayed Eli Manning: 20/34, 257 yards, 0 TD, 2 INT

What's the difference? Tony Romo had to earn every yard he got, and he made big plays when he needed to. The play of the game, Romo's 42-yard strike to tight end Jason Witten with less than 1 minute left was absolutely perfect. Why can't Eli Manning ever throw an accurate deep ball under pressure? Oh yeah, it's because he sucks.

Expert Analysis:

"For the life of me, I can't understand the Giants' clock management on their last drive. They move to the Dallas 12 with 1:48 and call a timeout? Huh? It was going to be their last series anyway, so why stop the clock? Then they went to a hurry-up ... for what? They left 1:06 on the board, which was more than enough for Dallas to score the go-ahead points. I don't get it." - Clark Judge

Elsewhere in the NFL:

Nine out of 16 AFC teams have a record of 7-5 or better.

12 out of 16 NFC teams have a record of 6-6 or worse.

Week 12: Titans beat Giants 24-21

Stats: 18/28, 143 yards, 1 TD, 2 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

Eli Manning threw this game away � literally. Deep in Giants territory with the score tied at 21-21 with 32 seconds left in the game, all Eli Manning had to do to prevent himself from looking like a dumbass was to NOT throw an interception. Then he threw an interception. The Titans, one of the worst teams in the league, went on to hit a game-winning field goal with 6 seconds left, capping an embarrassing defeat for the Giants. If there are any idiots who after last week still believe that Eli Manning is good at managing games, they've surely all shut the hell up by now, along with all the morons who somehow got the idea that Eli Manning is some sort of 4th quarter hero. All in all, this was a sad, sad day for Giants fans.

Before the 4th quarter collapse, this was a typical confidence building game for Eli Manning. In other words, most of the play calls were short passes to boost Eli's completion percentage against a shitty team. Don't believe me? Just check out his average yards per completion (7.9); it's his lowest all season, and that's saying a lot. Then, when nobody expects a deep pass because every coach in the NFL knows that Eli Manning sucks, Eli chucks the ball downfield and hopes it catches the defense off guard. Not this time. Two out of Eli's three deep passes were intercepted.

Expert Analysis:

"When your reeling quarterback wrecks the game after you bend over backwards for him not to wreck it, you deserve every bit of New York's scorn and derision...blame the quarterback because he threw the momentum away and eventually threw the game, and maybe even the Super Bowl dream, away." - Steve Serby

Elsewhere in the NFL:

Drew Brees continues to kick ass for New Orleans. He just set the NFL record for most total passing yards across five consecutive games.

So far this season, Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman, though better than Eli Manning, has been inconsistent. The Bears are 9-2, and the Giants are 6-5. Who are the analysts speculating might get benched? Not Eli Manning, not by a long shot.

Is anyone cooler than Tom Brady? Unlike that asshole Peyton Manning, Tom Brady wins playoff games, he doesn't buckle under pressure, he doesn't pollute television with his bullshit advertising, he doesn't bitch or make stupid faces, and he doesn't get emotional, except after that one play against the Bears when he juked out Brian Urlacher. That was pretty sweet. The only commercial I've ever seen him in was for Visa, which I'm sure he did out of spite since Peyton Manning is a whore for MasterCard.

Week 11: Jaguars beat Giants 26-10

Stats: 19/41, 230 yards, 1 TD, 2 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

Eli Manning came into this game as the 31st rated 3rd down passer in the NFL (there are 32 teams in the NFL). It's hard to believe that anybody's worse, but after his ugly performance against the Jaguars, I'm sure he dropped to 32nd. The Giants didn't even get a single first down until halfway through the second quarter. Up to and including that drive, Eli Manning had only completed 3 passes, all of which were dumped off to running backs.

The entire game was shitty for Eli Manning. Here's analyst Peter King's breakdown of his pass attempts:

• In the strike zone: 19
• Underthrown: 8, including his two interceptions.
• Overthrown or led the receiver too far: 10
• Broken up or batted down: 4

Eli's worst play of the night didn't even count due to a penalty in the defensive secondary. He dropped back, scrambled, knew he was about to go down, tried to the ball away but had it stripped, and the defense picked the ball up and ran it in for a touchdown. People admit that Eli's mechanics and field vision suck, but the one thing all the believers continued to praise was his ability to "manage the game", whatever that means. After this last game, they've all shut the hell up. Eli Manning just isn't cut out to be a football player.

Eli Manning has sucked for 11 straight weeks, but now that he's sucked twice consecutively on national primetime television, people are starting to catch on. Too bad the Giants have $54 million investment in him. They're stuck with him for three more years no matter how much he sucks, and people are surprised that Tiki Barber wants to retire? No shit!

Expert Analysis:

"Eli Manning was just awful. Actually, if he was just awful, the Giants might have won the game. He was sadly pathetic.

I'm talking Dave Brown on a bad day.

There's no other way to phrase it � Eli Manning has really regressed. I loved the pick when it was made. But Manning, who I have consistently defended on my radio show, has proven me dead wrong." - Adam Schein

"The next time someone wants to tell us that Eli Manning just had his "coming-of-age'' performance, like so many pundits opined after his showing in that Week 2 comeback win in overtime against the Eagles, I'm going to politely instruct them to pipe down and pop in tapes of Manning's head-scratching play the past two weeks against the Bears and Jaguars.

He's not there yet, folks, and repeatedly proclaiming that he's arrived won't make it so. He's wildly inaccurate at times, and seems to fall easily back into the bad habits that make a hash of his mechanics.

We watched Philip Rivers on Sunday night in Denver, and Manning on Monday night in Jacksonville. Which third-year quarterback would you trade for right now if given the chance? Pretty stark juxtaposition, wasn't it?" - Don Banks

Elsewhere in the NFL:

Dallas beat the Colts for their first loss of the year. Peyton Manning sucked.

Donovan McNabb is out for the season with a knee injury. That could make it easier for the Giants to get into the playoffs and cover up how much Eli Manning sucks. On the other hand, Tony Romo looked pretty good for Dallas. That should keep things interesting in the NFC East.

Philip Rivers is looking pretty sharp in San Diego, but my favorite quaterback from the 2004 draft is still Ben Roethlisberger.

Week 10: Bears beat Giants 38-20

Stats: 14/32, 121 yards, 0 TD, 2 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

Just look at those stats. I don't think anybody needs convincing that Eli Manning sucked. He passed for 20 fewer yards than Tiki Barber got on the ground with a sprained thumb. His yards per attempt were only 3.8 compared to Tiki's 7.4. Why does this loser ever touch the ball?

Postgame Comments:

I've been saying that for years.

Elsewhere in the NFL:

The Jets beat the Patriots, Buffalo almost beat the Colts, Cleveland beat Atlanta, Tennessee almost beat Baltimore, Houston beat Jacksonville, Miami beat Kansas City, and Green Bay beat Minnesota. The only predictable thing about the NFL is that Eli Manning sucks.

Week 9: Giants beat Texans 14-10

Stats: 17/28, 179 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

Once again, the Giants weren't televised in Pittsburgh, and once again, Eli Manning sucked. The Giants went into the game with a few offensive complications. Most notably, Plaxico Burress was out with back spasms. Without Plaxico around to catch Eli's inaccurate lobs, guess how many deep passes Eli Manning completed? Come on, guess. It's no fun if you don't guess. Ready? Here's the answer: 0 (although to be more precise, one of his three deep passes was intercepted). Only three out of Eli's 27 passes were in the air for more than 10 yards. Hmmm...clearly the offensive coordinator knows that Eli can't throw deep without Plaxico around.

Consider this ruined drive in the second quarter: Tiki's runs coupled with Eli's shitty dump passes led the Giants down to the Texans' 9 yard line. Then an offensive holding penalty gave the Giants a 1st and 15 from the 19 yard line. 15 yards > 10 yards => Eli Manning was helpless:

1-15-HOU19 (3:05) (Shotgun) E.Manning sacked at HST 25 for -6 yards (M.Williams).

2-21-HOU25 (2:33) E.Manning sacked at HST 35 for -10 yards (D.Ryans).

3-31-HOU35 (2:00) (Shotgun) E.Manning pass incomplete [M.Williams].

The other major issue for the Giants' offense was Tiki Barber's stomach flu. It stopped him from getting 116 yards. He only got 115 on 17 carries. That's about 6.8 yards per carry. Why does Eli Manning ever throw the ball when Tiki puts up those numbers?

Game Recap:

"The Giants offense spent much of this game feeling frustrated as the Texans did a good job of shutting down their pass-dominated game plan. Midway through the fourth quarter, however, the Giants shifted to a run-oriented approach. They put the game in the hands of Tiki Barber, who responded by producing almost half of the 67 yards the Giants covered on their winning scoring drive. Barber, who was bothered by a case of stomach flu, ran for 115 yards and a touchdown in the game. He added 40 yards on three receptions, playing his usual sparkplug role for a team that is on a five-game winning streak and is in position to move to the top of the NFC with a victory over Chicago in Week 10 at the Meadowlands." - Vic Carucci

Elsewhere in the NFL:

Peyton Manning shot a new MasterCard commercial. I think I've run out of "Peyton Manning is a marketing whore" jokes.

The Bears screwed up their perfect record with an ugly loss to the Miami Dolphins. This is sad, sad day for Bears fans.

The Steelers lost again. Just like last year's Chargers, the Steelers are a dangerous team that just doesn't deserve to make the playoffs.

Week 8: Giants beat Buccaneers 17-3

Stats: 16/31, 154 yards, 1 TD, 0 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

This shitty game wasn't televised in Pittsburgh, thank god. Unlike last week, Eli Manning completed over 50% of his passes, barely. Just like last week however, Eli Manning sucked at the deep pass, completing only 1 of 7. Believe it or not, that was good enough to be beat Bruce Gradkowski, the Buccaneers' rookie backup quarterback who only completed 20 of 48 pass attempts.

I feel bad for Jeremy Shockey. With any other quarterback he'd be putting up all-pro statistics. Now there are 10 other tight ends in the league with more receptions this season than Shockey. I wonder why...

2-9-TB28 (10:42) E.Manning pass incomplete short right to J.Shockey.

3-9-TB28 (10:35) (Shotgun) E.Manning pass incomplete short right to J.Shockey.

4-9-TB28 (10:30) (Shotgun) E.Manning pass incomplete short middle to J.Shockey.

Expert Analysis:

Elsewhere in the NFL:

Since I didn't see the Giants game on TV, my attempt to follow the game wasn't interrupted by Peyton Manning's bullshit commercialism. Oh wait, it was. I was watching that stupid applet with the helmets moving across the field on NFL.com, when all of a sudden, I got blasted by a drop-down ad of Peyton Manning in a wig and fake moustache pretending to be one of his fans. I guess they couldn't find a real one.

The Steelers lost to the Raiders. This is a sad, sad day in the history of Pittsburgh.

Week 7: Giants beat Cowboys 36-22

Stats: 12/26, 189 yards, 2 TD, 1 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

Now art thou throwing incompletions, now art thou Eli Manning. This time the Giants actually built and kept an early lead --> the opposing defense made concerted efforts to stop the short passing game --> Eli Manning was useless.

Eli Manning's first touchdown was one of his carelessly thrown lobs to Plaxico Burress. Luckily for both of them, Plaxico's defender couldn't make a play on the ball, because he ran into the referee. Eli Manning's next aimless end zone lob to Plaxico was intercepted. On top of those, there were at least two other passes that could've easily been intercepted.

The Cowboys offense was just pathetic today. The offensive line repeatedly failed in their blocking schemes, the running game went nowhere, and the quarterbacks made poor decisions. I've never seen Bill Parcells look so depressed in a postgame conference. On a brighter note, Terrell Owens actually handled the postgame conference with some grace. Dropping a critical 4th down pass would shut me up too.

Elsewhere in the NFL:

It takes the world's biggest sellout to promote a product with the world's shittiest slogan: "The first TV for men and women". Fortunately for Sony, Peyton Manning was available.

Ben Roethlisberger was having an excellent game until he got knocked out with a concussion. This guy never catches a break.

The Raiders finally won a game. They still suck though.

Week 6: Giants beat Falcons 27-14

Stats: 17/30, 180 yards, 2 TD, 2 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

Eli Manning's first pass of the game was intercepted. Whereas any mortal would've crumbled, Eli Manning bounced back to throw only one more interception in the first quarter, sending his first quarter total to 2 interceptions and 1 completion.

Here's a breakdown of Eli "Master of the Shitty Dump Pass" Manning's pass attempts:

• 25 short pass attempts
• 2 short pass attempts intercepted
• 5 deep pass attempts
• 1 deep completion

Eli Manning's biggest play was a deep incompletion that drew a 25-yard pass interference penalty. It's really a shame that this game wasn't broadcast in Pittsburgh. I missed some quality shots:

This game was won by Tiki Barber's 185 rushing yards � I mean, it was won by Eli Manning's management of the game that allowed Tiki Barber to rush for 185 yards.

Expert Analysis:

No shit, I said that 5 weeks ago.

Hypocritical Praise of Eli Manning:

"Ben Roethlisberger vs. Eli Manning

The Giants had their choice of Philip Rivers or Roethlisberger on Draft Day, 2004, and chose Rivers before peddling him to San Diego for Manning. OK, we know that. Now, let's fast forward to Sunday, and see how things are working out for these two. Big Ben not only scored his first win this season; he threw his first touchdown pass, too. OK, make that two as he turned in a near flawless performance. Manning overcame a slow start to author a nifty come-from-behind defeat of Atlanta, a game that marked the 11th straight time in this series the visiting team won. Advantage: Neither." - Clark Judge

Is Clark Judge blind or just stupid? Newsflash: Ben Roethlisberger reached the AFC Championship Game in his first season and won the Superbowl last year. Then he nearly died in a motorcycle crash and still managed to throw for a "near flawless performance". What has Eli Manning accomplished? He had a losing first season and was shut out in the playoffs last year. Now he's suddenly as good as a Superbowl champion, because he managed a "nifty come-from-behind" win by letting Tiki Barber run the ball. Somebody, please fire Clark Judge and pay me to be an NFL analyst. Me: 2. Clark Judge: 0. (See week 2)

Elsewhere in the NFL:

The Bears just came back from a 20-point deficit to beat the Cardinals. The scary thing is that they did it all after scoring zero offensive touchdowns and commiting six turnovers. How do you stop them?

The Oakland Raiders are now the only team hasn't won a game. They really suck.

Week 5: Giants beat Redskins 19-3

Stats: 23/33, 256 yards, 1 TD, 0 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

Thanks to Eli Manning and his shitty 3rd down dump passes, the Giants had to settle for five field goal attempts, four of which came in the first half.

3-4-WAS29 (7:39) (Shotgun) E.Manning pass incomplete short left to T.Barber.

3-15-WAS15 (14:56) (Shotgun) E.Manning pass short middle to T.Barber to WAS 7 for 8 yards (L.Marshall).

3-8-WAS20 (10:39) (Shotgun) E.Manning pass short middle to T.Carter to WAS 16 for 4 yards (C.Rogers).

3-8-WAS38 (11:53) (Shotgun) E.Manning pass incomplete short right to A.Toomer.

Elsewhere in the NFL:

Tony Kornheiser may be an entertaining personality on Pardon the Interruption, but he's a terrible commentator. This is at least the third Monday Night Football game when he's prematurely made statements about "the game being over". This week, I kid you not, he did it in the second quarter with the score tied 3-3. What an idiot.

Terrell Owens is writing a children's book?

And that's just the first in TO's Timeout series:

• Little T Learns to Share
• Little T Learns What Not to Say
• Little T Learns to Say I'm Sorry

Wow, I can't wait until he releases Little T Learns That Everybody Can See Through His Hypocritical Bullshit. If he needs a way to improve his reputation, he can start by catching passes and shutting up on the sidelines.

Week 4: Bye Week

Stats: N/A

Did Eli Manning Suck: Probably

Since the New York Giants didn't have a game this week, Eli Manning had some time out of the public spotlight. I can only imagine how it went:

Eli fumbled the eggs while he was making breakfast�. They were intercepted by the floor. He tried to throw the mess away, but he waited too long and got sacked. Then he went to his room and constructed a formal theory that was consistent and computably axiomatizable. It was incomplete�.

�As seen in a recent commercial that he shot with his father and marketing whore of a brother.
�See G�del's incompleteness theorems.

More Criticism of Eli Manning:

"The problem with the New York Giants is they don't have a great scheme on offense. Even worse, I don't believe they have done a great job of coaching quarterback Eli Manning. I see him making some of the same mistakes week in and week out. He's lacking in fundamentals; still struggling with his footwork; and struggling in making reads. He's forcing the ball into traffic, throwing to covered receivers and not checking the ball down to the running back. These are the areas where I don't see him progressing, and it concerns me." - Chris Carter

Elsewhere in the NFL:

The Chicago Bears totally annihilated the Seahawks. I wouldn't be surprised to see them taking the #1 seed in the NFC.

The New York Jets probably won't make the playoffs, but they've had some impressive games against some strong teams.

Big surprise � Peyton Manning sold out to another commercial. This time it was for the NFL Sunday Ticket package from DirecTV. They also brought back his old MasterCard commercial, pushing his season total to five ads in four weeks. Most whores don't see that kind of action.

Week 3: Seahawks beat Giants 42-30

Stats: 24/36, 275 yards, 3 TD, 3 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

The Seahawks led 42-3 by the end of the third quarter. Enough said.

By the way, does anybody else want to punch that little girl from the DLP commercials? You know, the one who stands next to an elephant and yaps about "the miiiirs"? It's pronounced "mirrors", dumbass.

Postgame Comments:

Shockey is dead right of course, but he'll definitely be taking shit for his comment. Saying "outcoached" has been taboo ever since the otherwise media savvy Tiki Barber used the word to describe the playoff loss against Carolina last year. Sure, Tom Coughlin is an idiot, but since he's tied down to Eli Manning, nobody is willing to admit it. A well coached team would never commit the slew turnovers, penalties, and all-around terrible plays to fall behind by 39 points. But a player saying "outcoached"? How dare he?!

The Giants' previous head coach, Jim Fassel, was a real man. Whenever something went wrong, he'd take the blame for it. When nobody else believed in the team, he put his job on the line, guaranteed a playoff berth, and delivered. When the team sucked due to injuries, he sucked it up and took the heat. What did it get him? Fired. Then Tom Coughlin was brought in to be a disciplinarian. He'd make the Giants cut down on risky plays, penalties, and turnovers. How did that turn out?

Elsewhere in the NFL:

Two good teams played a sloppy game as the Bengals edged out the Steelers. Ben Roethlisberger still doesn't seem to be in top form.

Kurt Warner gets benched after one bad game. Meanwhile, Brett Favre suddenly regains credibility after one good game. I hate people.

The Saints dominated the Falcons in their first game in New Orleans since Hurricane Katrina.

Week 2: Giants beat Eagles 30-24 OT

Stats: 31/43, 371 yards, 3 TD, 1 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

This is the typical bullshit victory that makes people think he'll be good someday, but trust me, Eli Manning definitely sucked. Don't believe me? Wondering why his completion percentage is suspiciously high? That's because instead of throwing the ball away like a responsible quarterback, he took EIGHT sacks. What an asshole. He even screwed up the one time he actually tried to throw the ball away:

The Eagles let him have the short passes, thinking that they wouldn't be enough to overcome a 17-point deficit. Normally they'd be right. What they weren't counting on were two unlucky fumbles: one giving the Giants great field position, and the other giving them a touchdown. The Giants ended up winning in overtime with a 31-yard touchdown pass to Plaxico Burress, and as you may have guessed, it was another poorly thrown jump ball that Plaxico grabbed over a shorter defender.

Overall, Eli Manning had about three legitimately good passes. Other than that, most of his 31 completions were short passes against a conservative defense, and somehow, he still made crappy throws. He was criticized by commentators several times throughout the game for inaccuracy. Oh yeah, and he fumbled twice.

Hypocritical Praise of Eli Manning:

"It's games like this that remind you why the New York Giants had to have Eli Manning. Critics who want to knock the third-year quarterback should have tuned in to the second half of New York's improbable victory...that featured one of the smartest, gutsiest and most dramatic plays of Manning's young career.

I'm talking about that 31-yard lob to wide receiver Plaxico Burress...Manning saw no safety in the middle of the field, single coverage on the outside and an all-out blitz about to happen. So, he turned to Burress and implored him to run a "go" route...so it wasn't a perfectly thrown pass. In fact, Burress later said he expected Manning to throw it to his outside instead of to his inside. But it didn't have to be perfectly thrown. It simply had to be in the neighborhood to give Burress a chance to catch it. And it was." - Clark Judge

Calling a "go" route to a single-covered receiver when the defense isn't playing a safety? My little sister knows to call that. Gutsy? Yeah, you've got to be really gutsy to throw a pass "in the neighborhood to give Burress a chance to catch it". Great reason to pay somebody $54 million over six years with a $20 million signing bonus.

Elsewhere in the NFL:

Drew Brees beat Brett Favre.

Kurt Warner played a decent game, but the Cardinals lost to last year's NFC champions and the Giants' next opponents, the Seattle Seahawks.

Ben Roethlisberger came off the emergency appendectomy with a 104�F fever and still started for some reason. Maybe that's why the Steelers got shutout.

Week 1: Colts beat Giants 26-21

Stats: 20/34, 247 yards, 2 TD, 1 INT

Did Eli Manning Suck: Yes

You're the head coach of the New York Giants. Your running offense is averaging over 6.5 yards per carry and physically dominating the Colts' defense. Your quarterback sucks. Do you:

A) Continue to run the ball
B) Switch to the riskier, less reliable passing game

If you're a dumbass like Tom Coughlin, you chose B. What the hell was he thinking? By putting the ball in Eli Manning's hands, he ruined an otherwise guaranteed victory. Even Eli could've set things straight by calling run plays himself, but no, that attention whore had to steal the spotlight and show a nationwide primetime audience how much he sucked.

Even with the successful running game spreading out the Colts defense, Eli Manning couldn't do shit. As usual, the majority of Eli's passes were either incomplete or short completions on 1st and 2nd downs. He did have two long passes to Plaxico Burress, and both required Plaxico to slow down and tip the ball away from defenders in order to make the catch. Fortunately for Eli Manning, the 6'5" Plaxico Burress is one of the few receivers in the league who can come down with any aimless lob thrown in his general direction, and as usual, Eli Manning gets credit for it.

Although the Giants trailed for the entire game, their strong rushing attack kept Eli Manning from being forced into a crucial playmaking position until the end of the fourth quarter. Eli responded by throwing an ugly interception that was too inaccurate for even Plaxico Burress to reach. The Giants went on to lose, and the crowd booed as they left the field. In the end, Eli Manning did nothing praiseworthy and made more than his share of lousy throws that should've been easy completions. Peyton Manning also had a mediocre game, but unlike Eli, Peyton made plays when his team needed them. He should try doing that in the playoffs. Then he'll actually have a justifiable reason to be in every commercial imaginable. Seriously, this guy is even more of a marketing whore than Annika Sorenstam:

• Sprint Wireless
• Gatorade
• NFL Gear

...and that's this weekend alone.

More Criticism of Eli Manning:

"Everyone is talking about the Colts-Giants game. But let me assure you, the interference call on WR Tim Carter did not cost the Giants the game, not by a long shot. The Giants had a ton of first-down yardage, followed by second-and-short yardage and then on third down, they would shoot themselves in the foot with a false start or some other bad play. They found every reason not to win. Running back Tiki Barber reeled off another 100-yard game, but Eli Manning is going to have to work on his accuracy. He overthrew and underthrew many of his throws. With the weapons he has, there is no reason to be a 60 percent passer. He has a ton of offensive weapons. He needs to find a way to get the ball in the hands of Plaxico Burress, Amani Toomer, Jeremy Shockey, Barber and Brandon Jacobs, and make it happen. That's a lot of firepower. The fact is that good teams find a way to win ballgames even when they don't have their "A" game that day. That is the question teams need to ask themselves: Can they get the job done when they don't play their best?" - Shannon Sharpe

Elsewhere in the NFL:

Kurt Warner had an excellent performance as the Cardinals won the first game in their new stadium.

Drew Brees had his ups and downs but managed to pull off a win with his new team, the New Orleans Saints. For those of you who don't know why I'm a Drew Brees fan, it's because he's the guy who made Eli Manning look like an asshole by leading the San Diego Chargers to a 12-4 record right after Eli Manning refused to play for them.

Ben Roethlisberger didn't play due to an emergency appendectomy, but the Steelers won anyway.

Brett Favre had a horrendous game as the Packers were shut out for the first time in Favre's career.

Of all the players in the NFL, why do I hate Eli Manning the most?

• He sucks the most
• He's a spoiled bitch
• He's disgrace to professional athletics

I've hated Eli Manning ever since the 2004 NFL Draft. Three years ago he had the nerve to declare that he'd never play for San Diego, but San Diego didn't care and drafted him anyway. He nearly cried, making it the happiest day of my life until he got traded to the New York Giants about 10 minutes later. If that alone didn't make him the biggest pussy in the universe, pulling all this bullshit while hiding behind his family name certainly does. After his father, a former NFL star, and his brother, a current NFL star, publicly supported the move, suddenly every dumbass sports commentator started saying it was ok for an unproven little prick to think he's above the NFL. If his last name weren't Manning, he'd be bagging my groceries instead of playing football.

Two time league MVP Kurt Warner signed with the Giants after being promised that he'd be given a legitimate opportunity to start. Then the Giants went back on their word and benched Warner after solid play and a winning record. Why? The Chargers (who happened to kick ass that year) ripped off the Giants so much in the trade that Eli Manning was just too expensive to keep on the bench. Of course, the Giants wouldn't admit it, saying that Eli Manning would give them the best chance to win, but anybody who believes that is an idiot. Nobody in his right mind would think that a rookie would give a team a better chance of winning than a former MVP who's already winning games. Kurt Warner left the Giants at the end of the year and signed with the Arizona Cardinals. Last year he led the most productive passing offense in the NFL and remains the most accurate quarterback in NFL history.

After Warner was benched 9 games into the 2004 season, the Giants only needed to win 3 more games the qualify for the playoffs. I had my doubts about Manning's abilities, but he surpassed my expectations � he won exactly one game. I learned many other things from Eli that season. For example, I didn't know that it was mathematically possible to get a 0.0 quarterback rating, but Eli Manning proved me wrong. I also didn't know it was possible to lose six consecutive games with weapons like Tiki Barber, the perennial leader in all-purpose yardage, and Jeremy Shockey, the most dangerous receiving tight end in football, but once again, Eli Manning proved me wrong. The commentators all bought into the hype and said that it was natural for a rookie to struggle. Meanwhile in Pittsburgh, rookie sensation Ben Roethlisberger won all of his 13 regular season starts. Then the commentators bitched about Ben having more help around him than Eli. Give me a break.

Last year the Giants had an 11-5 regular season record and made the playoffs, but don't be fooled; Eli Manning continued to suck. He had an abysmal 52.8% completion percentage, and most of those were short "confidence building" passes that were strategically worthless. Back when forward passes were first introduced to American Football, a completion of less than five yards was ruled a turnover. If that were still the case today, Eli Manning would undoubtedly have more turnovers than anybody in the league. Then again, even without that rule, he'll still probably set the record. He threw 17 interceptions in the regular season, only outdone by Brett Favre, who just doesn't seem to give a shit anymore. As for the playoffs, Eli Manning threw three interceptions, and the Giants got shutout.

Numbers can be misleading, so lets ignore all his shitty statistics and focus on his playing style. He's uncomfortable, his mechanics are horrendous, and he can't make plays when he needs to. Whenever Eli Manning throws for a long completion, it's on a first or second down when a long pass isn't vital to the continuation of the drive. 3rd and Long? Forget about it. The only time Eli Manning has ever peformed under pressure was against Denver when he threw a game winning touchdown off his back foot to win the game as time ran out. The commentators were ecstatic, claiming that such an amazing play was a just a tiny glimpse of Eli's future greatness. Then they all shut up for the rest of the season when Eli Manning continued to throw off his back foot � for interceptions.

Everybody expects this to be Eli Manning's breakout season. I, on the other hand, have no reason to believe that he'll do anything but continue to suck. Just so that I can rub my prediction in everybody's faces when they realize I'm right, I'm going to blog about how much Eli Manning sucks in every game this season.

Eli Manning threw 14873 interceptions

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