What ever happened to standards?

When I first watched Full Metal Alchemist, Roy Mustang’s “sexiness” cracked me up. If you haven’t seen the show, here’s the gag: all the ladies would fall head over heels for him even though he looks generic enough to be a harem lead.

Then I found out that many girls in real life actually think he’s hot. Maybe it’s because he’s a high-ranking military officer, and women are attracted to money and power above all else. Or maybe they’re just desperate otaku willing to cling onto any modicum of sexual fulfillment they can grasp.

That’s not to say Roy Mustang doesn’t have his strong points. Even if his character design is laughably generic, at least he’s over 18 and doesn’t act fruity all the time, unlike the Ouran High School Pedophile Club.

I went to high school with a guy who looked exactly like Kyouya. Nobody liked him. I’ll never understand how Kyouya is supposed to hot. Now, I’m not gay, so it would never make 100% sense to be, but I can try to look at him objectively. Can you point to one feature on Kyouya that’s sexy? And make it a positive feature (negative features like “he’s not fat” or “he’s not crippled” don’t count). Face it, girls only like Kyouya because he’s rich. Just imagine this guy wearing rags and living in a barrel. Nobody would care about him.

If you’re guilty of fantasizing about any of the above characters (especially Dan-kun), don’t worry, help is on the way. I’ve compiled a list of real men for you to drool over. Sorry Sankaku Complex, your softcore porn galleries are no match for this buffet of manliness:

Now that I’ve straightened out the hordes of heterosexual women and gay guys who read this site, I can move on to lambasting those of you who claim to be attracted to women. Lately I’ve been hearing a lot about something called DFC, which stands for “I Am Geeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.” Proponents of DFC claim that chest is better than breast, or in other words, 2D > 3D. These pedophiles think they’re so damn refined for saying they’re too good for tits. I’m reminded of those fucking elitists who act all high and mighty when they say they prefer ass to tits. Ass is no more or less important than legs, arms, and every other part of the body that men and women have in common. I have a shapely ass. Does that mean I should be attracted to myself? Oh wait…

As I was saying, DFC is bullshit. Case in point: Shana.

I have no clue why so many guys are so infatuated with Shana. She’s generic, flat, short, and bitchy, just like every asian girl I’ve ever rejected. I’ll admit she’s not ugly, though she’s arguably the least attractive character on her own show (it’s a toss-up between her and that slutty incestual pedophile girl). Why fantasize about Shana when you could have Wilhelmina or Yuji’s Mom?

They can haze my flame

The following women are also Baka-Raptor approved:

This is not an exclusive list. Other women may be presented to me for my approval.

UPDATE: The list of men isn’t exclusive either. Other men may be presented to me for my approval.

UPDATE #2: If everyone in the whole world loves Balsa as much as I do, why isn’t there any fanart of her? Somebody draw her killing a tiger. In return, I will draw a picture of you killing the animal of your choice.

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