Anime/Life Advice Mailbag #1: Burning Bridges

The following emails are real and completely unedited, except the parts I very obviously edited.

Dear Baka-Raptor.

Ill skip the sucking up to you and get right to the point:

Why the rush?

Question A

While I was at work of of my female colleagues,lets call her Hot Lesbian A Natsuki, was talking to our receptionist Hot Lesbian B Shizuru about her recent shopping trip for underwear.She was really excited about the cheetah patterened panties she planned touse that evening.

I am now accepting applications for a Photoshop slave

I beeing the Gentleman I am couldnt overhear her pantie story and told her like any gentleman would: Cheetah Pattern is Porno
I didnt know that this would trigger a chain reaction and turn her into a formerly self-confident Hot Lesbian that questioned her fashion sense.
I know that Raptors are extremly fashionable,especially in the underpant department, and would like to know if a Cheetah patterend pantie worn by Hot Lesbian A
Natsuki is still porno or due to factor X (Lesbian) the shiznat.

This is indeed a true story out of my Life and thats how I spend my worktime instead of doing real work.

Wait, let me get this straight: you ruined a hot lesbian’s self-confidence, but instead of asking me how to help her regain her confidence, you want me to verify the truth very assertion that crushed her? You are the worst person in the world.

I should probably try to be helpful to encourage more email. Excuse me for a moment.

3 seconds later…

A quick Google image search leads me to believe that cheetah panties may very well be pornographic. Excuse me for another moment.

3 seconds later…

Another quick Google image  search leads me to believe that panties in general may very well be pornographic. Excuse me for another moment.

3 seconds later…

Another quick Google image search leads me to believe that lesbians, with or without panties, may very well be pornographic. In conclusion, anything can be porno. You’ve been jumping to pornographic conclusions because you’ve only seen these things in porn (cheetah panties, regular panties, lesbians, etc…). In reality, lesbians do a lot more than filming themselves having sex. Here’s something you need to know: women love nothing more than looking at themselves wearing stupid clothes. They’ll get excited over wearing kinky lingerie without realizing the pornographic implications thereof. Alternatively, who knows, there could be any number of plausible non-pornographic reasons to wear cheetah panties. For example, maybe she needed to wear cheetah panties to perform some tribal ritual to ward off evil spirits.

Long story short, cheetah panties are porno to us but not to them.

Question B

I recently read that the male Gintama cast ranked pretty high in a my groom survey.conducted among young japanese women (link). Considering the fact that they are all assholes with different mental disorders are they just going for the looks or are they all sluts?


They couldn’t be going for the looks; otherwise Golgo 13 would’ve won.

No Golgo, no Onizuka, not even a Hosaka. Unbelievable. Of the guys who did make the list, I approve of Date Masamune and possibly Ichigo. As I don’t know who most of the other characters are, I can only assume they’re from some yaoi manga.

I’m not at all surprised that girls would find a bunch of assholes attractive. Here’s a quick recap in case you missed my earlier post:

  • Assholes push around nice guys and take their food
  • Girls who like assholes have plenty to eat
  • Girls who like nice guys starve

It’s basic sociobiology—or so I thought until I noticed that nobody from the Auron High School Host Club made it. I was shocked. Rich guys can buy women all the cake they want, which women find infinitely more satisfying than heterosexual sex.

Onto the next email:

Ok, I’m going to have an ass-hat life question and a non-ass-hat life question so you can choose which one to respond to. I’d personally prefer you answer the ass-hat one, but will understand if you’d rather not be privy to my foolishness and clear attempt at kindergarten-level humor.

Ass-hat Life Question:

I’m madly, madly in love with an aniblogger, but can’t help but be mean to said blogger when the opportunity arises (in my defense, I’m pretty abrasive to everyone alive, so I’m not just being acidic exclusively to said blogger). I also don’t think I’ll ever meet them. What on earth can I do?

You’re in love with an anime blogger? You are beyond help. Also, you are so tsundere for me said blogger that you conspicuously left out the “Dear Baka-Raptor.”

Fine, I’ll give you a serious answer to your serious question.

Non-ass-hat- Life Question:

I recently had a final argument with a long-time friend who has caused me fairly endless grief since high school. I felt completely and utterly refreshed after walking away from the friendship, complete with deleting their number from my phone book, deleting their emails from my inbox, etc. – it was kind of like a really bad break-up! But now I’ve now got a wee bit of a problem on my hands – I really enjoy talking to former friend’s parents. I’ll admit this probably seems a tad weird, but they are, quite honestly, the nicest people I’ve ever known and I like being able to talk to them and ask them for advice on things, since they can give me solid advice, and it won’t cause an argument like it would with my own parents. But my former friend still lives at home with them… how the fuck do I navigate this shit now?

When you’re finalizing a breakup, you’re burning a bridge (otherwise it’s not final). Anyone you could only reach by crossing that bridge is now off limits.

Here’s the key question: is there a way to reach your ex-friend’s parents without having to cross your ex-friend? Since they’re living in the same house, it would be very difficult, though perhaps not impossible. Here a few suggestions:

1. Get your ex-friend to move out

Find him/her a job, get him/her an out-of-state boyfriend/girlfriend, kidnap him/her, etc…

2. Stalk your ex-friend’s parents

Is there a restaurant they like going to by themselves? Become a waitress there. Do they have a favorite auto repair shop? Get a job there, then bash their car in the middle of the night. The possibilities are endless.

3. Trip to Hawaii

If you’re really desperate, send the parents two free tickets to Hawaii. Then show up in Hawaii “coincidentally.” Alternatively, if you’re cheap, you could send your ex-friend to Hawaii and then chill with his/her parents at home. Sure, a free trip might please someone you’d rather see in crushing despair, but hey, the plane could crash.

If you’re not willing to do any of the above, just get over them and move on. There are plenty of great people in the world (I don’t actually believe this, but most people do). I’m sure somewhere out there you can find someone who can give you solid advice . . .*cough*

Anime Question:

If you I could fight any anime character, who would it be and why? (question edited to be in advice form)

I hope you know that by ‘ass-hat’ I mean ‘I’m kidding’.

– A Day Without Me

Beating up a character you hate is always satisfying. On the other hand, if you’re looking to fight for the sheer corporeal pleasure of going all out on a worthy opponent, I recommend Kazuma from Scryed. I can’t think of anyone who’d be more fun to fight.

Any comment from a non-asker must include advice for at least one of the above questions. Any comment that does not will be censored.

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