Last week some dojikko crashed into me. I was unharmed (my manly sideburns¹ absorbed the impact), but my car didn't fare so well. The collision was so devastating that it turned my Bubble Dome F1 Racer into a 1997 Toyota Corolla.

The car still works fine, but thanks to that dent, my car is legally totaled. In other words, the cost of fixing the dent is greater than the market value of the pre-accident car. Dojikko was totally sorry.

If I've learned anything from living in the South these past two years, it's that all southerners are liars.

• Receptionists saying they'll "be with me in a minute" when they have no intention of being with me for at least five minutes
• People saying "how are you" interchangeably with "hello" rather than as a sincere question about one's state of being
• Barbers being offended when you say your haircut was good, because in the South, good means bad, great means ok, and fantastic/excellent/amazing/etc... means above average
• Worst of all: people laughing at shitty jokes just to be polite (and treating you like shit if don't laugh with them)

Sure, southerners act smiley and hospitable, but deep down they're just as hateful and conniving as the rest of us. The North kicks ass. Nobody pretends to care about anyone else and nobody gives a damn.

Anyway, dojikko's insurance provider happened to be AIG. Instead of fixing the car, they sent me a check for the market value of the car minus what they would've received for selling it to a junkyard. There's your bailout money at work. Windfall kicks ass.

Somehow in the course of trying to get my bailout money, I got a flat tire. I immediately whipped out my jack and started cranking, lubricating all the while with penetrating oil.

Mrs. Can of Liquid Wrench Penetrating Oil waged a valiant effort against the rusted wheel hub but came up empty. Finally I wussed out and called AAA. As if that wasn't painful enough, the first thing the AAA service man did when he arrived was congratulate me on almost getting the wheel off. Ouch.

First, he tried to get the wheel off by kicking it. When that didn't work, he whipped out a metal pipe and started beating it from behind. After a few rotations of kicking and beating, it finally came off (but only because I loosened it up for him). The culprit:

He then offered to plug the tire for $5. In exchange, I offered to not tell AAA that he was performing unauthorized services. Fourth best deal I've ever made.²

¹The #1 Google image result for manly sideburns is a picture of Kagami from Lucky Star. More proof that people suck.
²Third best deal: Buying a $200 leather jacket for $20. Second best deal: Buying a $2000 laptop for $300. Best deal ever: Getting $3000 for a damaged car door I never use.

2696 readers wish they could comment on this post