Three Strikes for One Piece

At least the English intro is bad enough to be good

I want to like everything I watch. You might not get that impression from all the bashing I do on this site, but really, I give every show a fair chance. In fact, I probably try a lot harder than you (otherwise I wouldn’t like Akikan or Queen’s Blade). I hate enough things in life; I feel no need to hate anything else. With that said, One Piece sucks.

There are several things I could complain about:

  • Lousy talk/fight ratio
  • Lousy flashblack/fight ratio
  • Too many retarded enemies
  • Zoro’s failure to fight anyone remotely interesting (except Mihawk, which was awesome)
  • Luffy’s rubber powers somehow include increased hand-eye coordination
  • Somebody’s always crying for some stupid reason (often a random kid thrown in for the sole purpose of giving the target audience someone they’re supposed to relate to, as if the scrawny, light-skinned, dark-haired protagonist wasn’t enough for Japanese kids)

But those are all relatively minor problems. Since dropping One Piece three years ago, I’ve leveled up like a Shonen hero, watching shitty anime like Lucky Star and K-ON until I developed a tolerance for low-grade bullshit. If I could finish all those crappy shows, wouldn’t watching One Piece be a piece of cake? Not at all. I was arrogant to think I could stomach the idiocy of Monkey D. Luffy for a third time.

Oddly, One Piece sucks for the exact same reason Kurenai sucks. I can enjoy a light & fluffy anime. I’m fine with a dramatic anime. I’m perfectly willing to accept both in the same show (e.g., Higurashi). Unfortunately, unlike good shows, Kure-nai and One Piece can’t reconcile the fluff with the serious stuff.

In every arc, Luffy is guaranteed to do something utterly retarded that directly jeopardizes the well-being of those he supposedly cares about. Then he’ll invariably spout a few tear-jerking lines about fighting with everything he’s got to protect them. Sorry Luffy, fuck you. Where were your themes of friendship when you:

  • Got hypnotized as Usopp repeatedly yelled at you not to stare at the guy who was obviously trying to hypnotize you
  • Embedded your feet in concrete, thereby rendering yourself helpless in battle and allowing yourself to be conveniently sunk to the bottom of the ocean
  • Got stuck between two walls for a week when all it took to break free was a little willpower

Why can’t Monkey D. Luffy be more like Gon Freecs?

The similarities are subtle, but many:

  • They both have stupid names
  • Their character designs are both meant to appeal to Japanese kids
  • They were both ditched by their father figures
  • They’re both persistent about picking allies to the point of stalking them
  • They both have an unquenchable thirst for fun and adventure

There’s one key difference: even though they both love the screw around, Gon doesn’t do it when it’s clearly a dumb idea that contradicts everything he believes in. Lucky Star and K-ON taught me how to tolerate bullshit. They didn’t teach me how to tolerate hypocrisy.

In all fairness, Luffy does a few things right. He’s got some sick moves when he’s fighting seriously. His destruction of Nami’s map room was reminiscent of Onizuka’s sledgehammer scene. He also…give me a minute…oh well, I guess those are the only remotely nice things I have to say about Luffy. What a shitty character.

Conclusion: I can’t put up with Luffy’s stupidity for 400+ episodes.

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