The Anime Industry is Doomed

DVD sales are down. American licensors are going out of business. The Japanese distribution model fails to embrace the internet’s potential. Little girls are becoming axe-murderers. There’s no way to sugarcoat it – the anime industry is doomed. I confirmed this inconvenient truth while interviewing The King of Anime.

The King of Anime: Hi Baka-Raptor! I’m a huge fan. Can I have three copies of your autograph for my—

Me:I’m asking the questions here.

The King of Anime: Sorry. I tend to get carried away when I think about you.

Me:Right…so is the anime industry really doomed?

The King of Anime: Yes.

There you have it.


Oops, it’s not April Fools’ Day. Whatever.

Where was I? Ah yes, the anime industry isn’t doomed, I repeat, THE ANIME INDUSTRY IS NOT DOOMED. How am I so sure?

  1. I like anime
  2. The sudden downfall of anime would make it a fad
  3. I don’t like fads

I’ve been dodging shitty fads my whole life, and I’m not about to fall for one now. I’m just not trendy enough to like anything without substance:

  • Slap bracelets
  • LA Lights
  • Pogs
  • Devil sticks
  • Yo-Yo’s
  • Tom Cruise’s haircut from Mission Impossible
  • The Blue Song
  • Those cabbie/paperboy hats (whatever they’re called)
  • Old Navy Performance Fleece
  • Tamagochis
  • Beanie Babies
  • Tickle-me-Elmo

Why do parents buy their kids crap like Tickle-me-Elmo? Do they want their kids to be failures? You can tell exactly how your kids are going to turn out based on their favorite Sesame Street character:

  • Ernie: successful badass
  • Oscar the Grouch: unsuccessful badass
  • Bert: tool
  • Elmo: pedophile
  • Grover: irrelevant
  • Cookie Monster: diabetes
  • Big Bird: geyyyyy
  • Snuffy: pothead

Ernie kicked ass, unlike that asshole Barney. Barney sang bullshit songs about all the raindrops being lemon drops and gumdrops. Ernie taught children to be realistic. Want to live on the moon? Forget about it.

Screw fads, I’m even conservative with things that don’t suck. For example, my car doesn’t have any fancy schmancy luxury items:

  • Power windows
  • Power locks
  • Air conditioning
  • Anti-lock brakes

My car is a cheap pile of scrap metal, but that didn’t stop some dipshit from busting my window last night:

The bastard didn’t even steal anything. He just smashed my window to keep me from rocking my hip sex-and-the-city lifestyle. Now I have no choice but to spend the weekend watching anime like a loser. Speaking of anime, THE ANIME INDUSTRY IS NOT DOOMED.

7 Replies to “The Anime Industry is Doomed”

  1. Quite the pimp mobile you got there.

    Damn, my heart skipped a beat when I read the new “ANIME INDUSTRY IS DOOMED” title!

  2. I liked Elmo as a kid.
    I now watch anime as a teenager.
    Anime is full of pedophilia.
    Ergo, I am a pedophile. (barring the “well I’m underage too” argument)

    Wow, you really are spot on.

    (Also, props for reminding people the sky is not falling.)

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