Baka-Raptor goes to Washington

As promised in a post that self-destructed as promised, I attended the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear. The first step: driving to Citi Field.

I’d been meaning to ditch my old car for quite a while, but cheapness and that fact that I have nobody to impress kept getting in my way.

Then I saw this:

Terrible aim, as usual

You know, I used to think a car was just a way of getting from point A to point B—and on weekends, point C. But that was the old me. That man died the moment I laid eyes on a 1979 2007 Honda Accord.

What’s the point in having a Honda if you can’t show it off?

Time to dish out some internet justice on the dealerships I visited.

Nardy Honda: The dealership I bought my car from. As clean of a dealership as you’re ever going to see. No gimmicks, no bullshit, except for their finance manager, who made a noble attempt to keep fear alive when he was trying to sell me an extended warranty.

Westbury Toyota: A pretty clean dealership. Courteous salespeople, upfront pricing, and no hidden fees. They gave me the old “we don’t know how long these offers will last!” line when I was walking away; otherwise nothing gimmicky. I would’ve been cool with buying there if I decided on a Toyota.

Huntington Honda: Courteous salespeople, but gimmicky pricing schemes. They throw in irrelevant crap “for free” with every purchase. They offer 0% financing on new cars, but they jack the interest into the sticker price. They’re kind enough to match your down payment up to $3000 on used cars, but that’s after they raise the sticker price by $3000. Do people actually fall for this?

Huntington Toyota: DO NOT buy from these assholes. Don’t even bother visiting them, unless you’re a masochist, or if you’re seeking employment and aspire to be a professional cock juggler. My visit went something like this:

Baka-Raptor: Hello, I’d like to test drive the 2010 Toyota Camry.

Salesman: Certainly! Please have a seat at this table. Which model were you looking at?

Baka-Raptor: The base model.

Salesman: Wouldn’t you rather look at the Camry LE? It’s our most popular model! It has POWER SEATS and KEYLESS ENTRY! Plus it’ll have a resale value $2000 higher than the base model!

Baka-Raptor: Ummm…not when it’s more than a few years old. In any case, power seats and keyless entry aren’t worth the difference in price to me. I’d rather look at the base model.

Salesman: Of course! As you know, we have an obscure-holiday sale going on right now. We’re offering the car for a super low price of $20,595!

Baka-Raptor: …but your ad says $19,395.

Salesman: Yes, that’s the price without the fees. Let me explain. We have an $800 destination fee, a $350 administrative fee, and a $350 bullshit fee. So the price is actually $20,895! $20,595 is a bargain! Now, would you rather pay $20,895 or $20,595?

Baka-Raptor: Well, obviously I want to pay less, which is whyโ€”

Salesman: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, that was a JOKE! Buddy, you need to lighten up!

Baka-Raptor: [blank stare]

Salesman: Come on, $20,595. How about it?

Baka-Raptor: I got a much better price quote online from another dealership.

Salesman: Listen, no dealer advertises their prices with fees included. When you add the fees to their prices, they’ll come out to much more.

Baka-Raptor: I don’t believe there were fees on top ofโ€”

Salesman: What price will get you to drive home in a Camry today?

Baka-Raptor: I have no idea. I haven’t even test driven the car yet. Can I please test drive the car now?

Salesman: Fine, let me go jerk off in the back room.

15 minutes later…

Salesman: Sorry, we’re actually closing now, so you can’t test drive today. But you weren’t going to buy today anyway, so it’s no big deal. Just stop by anytime for a test drive! We’ll have FREE DOUGHNUTS for you!

Anyway, I drove my new car to Citi Field, home of the fourth most successful baseball franchise in New York history.

I arrived at 5:30 AM. The Huffington Post said the buses would depart at 6:00 AM. My bus didn’t leave until 7:10 AM. The Huffington Post said the buses would arrive at 11:00. The rally started at 12:00. My bus didn’t arrive until 12:50. Conclusion: never trust anything written on The Huffington Post.

There were about 10,000 people taking 200+ buses sponsored by The Huffington Post. Since they were running late, I pushed and shoved to get on the first bust I could find and beat an old man to the second to last seat. The old man started whining because the last available seat was next to the onboard restroom. I taunted him for being such a bitch, and he ended up leaving the bus.

As mentioned in the post that self-destructed as mentioned, I was worried about having to survive a 5-hour bus ride next to a hippie. The girl I ended up sitting next to didn’t seem like much of a hippie, but she was a little chubby, so I ignored her all the same. Freedom was mine when the bus arrived at RFK stadium.

RFK stadium was about three miles from the rally site. I would’ve walked to the rally if the bus had arrived on time, but since it was almost two hours late, I saved a little time by cramming my way onto the overcrowded subway, or as they call it in Washington, the Metro. As any motivational speaker will tell you, the Chinese character for crisis also represents opportunity, or in my case, gropportunity. Sadly, nobody within my gradius was worth groping.

Since the Metro was crowded, it took me half an hour to get to the rally site. The rally was even more crowded, so it took about twenty more minutes to get to an open spot all the way in the back.

See the stage? Neither could I. I could barely make out the banner.

The first skit I was able to see was the song. Luckily, it was one of the best.

Jon and Stephen – “I’m More American Than You”
Rally to Restore Sainty and/or Fear The Daily Show The Colbert Report

The only way I could follow the show was through the JumboTrons, which weren’t much closer than the stage. The bigger problem was the sound. I could hear most of what Colbert was saying (since he was yelling the whole time), but I could barely hear Stewart. It didn’t help that police cars and ambulances with were cutting across the street in front of me during Stewart’s closing speech.

To recap: I couldn’t see the stage, I only made it in time for the second half of the show, and I could only hear about half of that half. Guess I got what I paid for. The bus was free, and the only money Washington got out of me was $1.85 for a one-way Metro ticket (I walked back) and $3.00 for a “Polish” “sausage” from a street vendor. To end on a positive note, a bunch of people who came down on the Huffington Post buses were apparently staying in Washington, so I scored a seat with nobody next to me on the way back.

All things considered, it was worth the trip, and not just because I had nothing better to do. A lot of the stuff that seemed awesome in person seemed kind of lame when I rewatched it online. There were a lot of cool signs and costumes in the crowd, though none were so amazing that I had to take a picture (no, not even the Tobi cosplayer). Now for some pictures I didn’t take:

I’ve now seen Maddox, Ron Paul, John Stossel, Jon Stewart, and Stephen Colbert live. Do I have anything left to look forward to in life? I no longer plan on leaving my house ever again (except for work), which is convenient, since my eyes are still screwed up and I don’t feel like going anywhere. If you wanted to meet me, too bad, you missed the best opportunity you’ll ever have.

32 Replies to “Baka-Raptor goes to Washington”

  1. Nice Accord there, I have a 2001 myself (and my first car was a 1988 one with AE86-style pop-up headlights.) Really comfortable to drive, but springy enough that you don’t feel like your driving on pillows like in a Camry.

    I was at the rally too, and judging by your pictures my friend and I weren’t too far away, maybe a few hundred feet forward and to the right. Volume was a problem from up there too, they didn’t have enough speakers and jumbotrons for the size of crowd that showed up. However I did have a front row seat for the guy in a panda suit climbing a fairly large tree.

    • Small world. The tree-climbing panda was about 30 feet directly to my left. I should’ve taken a pic. I’m guessing you were also in position for the “MOVE THAT SIGN!” chant when Republicorp blocked everyone’s view.

      I just started watching Initial D a few days ago. Figured it’d set me straight after that sissy defensive driving lecture I sat through for an insurance discount.

  2. The musical section could only have been made better if Colbert and Stewart engaged in a rap battle.

    I’m rather surprised at the unattractiveness of the people who went though. Them liberal arts chicks tend to be hot.

    Also, to bring the topic back to anime for a moment, I demand a Stephen Colbert anime. It’d sell like two dvds in Japan, but who cares?

  3. nice description of a car…

    how’s the political views in there, seems like it’s keeping them a while?

    I believe it’s it’s all messing up after all.

    • Any description is nice when it’s stolen verbatim from The Simpsons.

      The show itself was apolitical (otherwise I wouldn’t have gone), but the crowd for the most part was strongly liberal. Didn’t help them in the election though.

      • anyway, why does people come to those places? seems like I’m broking my stasis of reality.

        I understand that it’s really boring to watch it over the net because it lacks the participation effect.

  4. Purple and yellow on black next to green is why your eyes are fucked up.

    I saw the whole rally with professional camera work in high definition on a 60-inch screen, and I watched it laying on the couch where I’d literally been sleeping up until the moment it began.

    Though I’m sure the live experience was great.

    • It was better than great—it was FREE!

      Eh, I’m usually more of a stay-at-home kind of guy myself. Once in a while I go out just to remind myself why staying at home kicks ass.

  5. New cars are stupid. I’ll take my 96 Oldsmobile Cutlas Ciera over anything. Sure it’s falling apart, but I just fixed the body rot on it with some bondo, so it’s all good to go! New stereo goes in Monday!

    Sounds like the Huffington post is filled with a bunch of duffers.

      • This is indeed my car. Although the exterior is much better on Maddox’s, although that’s to be expected from a man with such class and fortitude. I guess I have some work to do on mine. Well I guess I did spray paint a black stripe down the back by accident the other day, and my interior does have some crayon wax melted into the seats….I’m well on my way!

  6. I went to the satellite rally in Austin. The news reported that four thousand people showed up (six thousand said they were going to show up on facebook). I cannot attest to that, but I did get a pretty good view of the one monitor with the live feel. It wasn’t too big, but it was probably better than most people who actually attended the rally.

    This being Austin, there were hippies everywhere.

    • Hippies in Texas? What has Obama done?

      The rally had a surprisingly strong Actual Attendee to Facebook RSVP ratio. I assumed Facebook RSVPs would vastly overestimate actual attendance.

  7. I called that 2007 Honda Accord a dolphin for no reason at all. Still do in fact.

    I’m buying a 2004 Honda City just because it is fuel efficient. I might changed my mind and just buy the new Toyota Vios though.

    • Fuel efficiency kicks ass, but I went with a larger car this time around because I have long, sexy legs that have no business being cramped up in a compact car. I was practically straddling the steering wheel in my Corolla.

  8. Baka-Raptor still looks the sexiest, … btw, nice story you wrote and after all the trouble you went through it i bet you could write a book better than some girl writing about getting drunk, getting wild or whathever… up to this day i managed to survive without owning a car (but i own a motorcycle, so whatever) , everyone bitch about “having a nice car brings the attention of a lot of girls”, but i still like the old you better, it has four tires or whatever, so it should run and do the job… so…don’t you get snoob all about this “having a nice car brings the attention of a lot of girls” idea ! I thought you’d rather sue the fucking dealer for announcing a price and trying to sell you with a higher price… in Brazil this is ilegal, but as expected, dealers do it anyway but if you yell at hill saying this is ilegal and that you’re going to sue him, he backs off and run like a chicken…pretty much of what happened in your case.

    Technically, you could work from home too, so if you get one of theses jobs like those or whatever, you could never leave home again…forever…

    So there was no one in the bus willing to say “The forests of Timber sure have changeda” without eye contact ?

    As always promised , one more filler comment to go, as promissed, always.

    • Motorcycles kick ass. I’d have one if it didn’t rain/snow/cold so much up here.

      The car isn’t about getting the girls (though I won’t complain if that happens [but I might complain about the girls]). I was perfectly happy with a beat-up car as a student, but now that I’m a lawyer I have a certain appearance to keep up.

      In the ads, there’s often an asterisk saying “price excludes fees” or some nonsense like that. I was well aware of that, but the other dealerships didn’t stick $1400 in fees on top, thereby raising the price 7%. The “destination fee” is pretty common, but those other fees were just bullshit. Still, even if I wanted to argue about those fees, I was getting better offers elsewhere, so rather than suing about the fees, I’d just buy somewhere else.

      A work at home job would never work out for me. I had a work at home summer job during college. I woke up late everyday, watched anime/played video games whenever I got bored, and rushed to finish the work at night. Basically, I was thinking about work 24 hours a day. If I travel to work, at least I have no choice but to work while I’m there, and it’s all over when I come home.

      All of the other 9999 people there got the passphrase wrong.

  9. Well, I hope you have a garage to put your new car in – woke up yesterday to find some fucker had keyed mine and my bo’s car. (We only have on-street parking available on our road, so we usually just park outside our house.) RAEG does not begin to describe.

  10. Well, at least HuffPo did carry through on the promise to ferry people.

    I’m glad you enjoyed it though. I would have wanted to go, but then I wouldn’t have.

    • Huffington did keep her promise, but it was a bit misleading. She initially said that anyone who wanted to come could just show up. That turned into a 3-step registration process with a deadline several weeks before the rally. A bunch of people who wanted to take the bus but didn’t pre-register got screwed.

  11. As a fellow guy-who-owns-a-car-with-a-dent-in-the-side, I’m disappointed to hear that you got a new car. What anime is that guy from? He seems like my kind of dude: hella cheap.

    • I may not have a dent in my car anymore, but I’ll always have a dent in my heart.

      The character is from Initial D. I’ve only seen two episodes so far, so no guarantees that he stays awesome.

  12. I am so bummed I didn’t get to meet you. I was in fucking Idaho. Lame as shit.

    Eli Manning was in a Toyota commercial? Well, that settles it – I’m never gonna buy a Toyota, that’s for sure.

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