Top 10 Bullshit Tickets

Note: These aren’t necessarily the most ridiculous tickets out there. These are, however, the most ridiculous tickets that get issued on a somewhat regular basis.

Obstructed View

Legit: You have crap all over your windshield that keeps you from seeing the road.

Bullshit: You have rosary beads, fuzzy dice, or an air freshener dangling from your rear-view mirror.

Estimated bullshit percentage: 95%

Plate Violations

Legit: You have no plate, a plate that isn’t properly attached, or crap on your plate that makes it unreadable.

Bullshit: You have a frame around your plate that barely cuts off the bottom of the state motto.

Estimated bullshit percentage: 75%

Seat Belt Violations

Legit: You’re not wearing your seat belt while driving.

Bullshit: You unbuckle your seat belt after you get pulled over but before the cop approaches your window, leading the officer to speculate you were never wearing a seat belt in the first place.

Estimated bullshit percentage: 65%

Use of a Portable Electronic Device

Legit: Texting, internet use, anything that involves holding a cell phone and taking your eyes off the road.

Bullshit: Tapping a securely mounted GPS unit.

Estimated bullshit percentage: 20%

Unlicensed Driving + Anything Listed Above

Legit: One of the above tickets was legit.

Bullshit: Officer pulled you over for Driving While Hispanic.

Estimated bullshit percentage: 75%

Equipment violations written as point violations

Legit: “I didn’t know I was going that fast! My speedometer must be broken!”

Bullshit: Officer too lazy to check your lights when you’re pulled over for failing to signal.

Estimated bullshit percentage: 95% (assuming there was actually defective equipment)

Any speeding violation less than 10 mph over the posted limit

Legit: Unusually shitty road conditions, areas with significant pedestrian traffic, scenic drives.

Bullshit: Anywhere else.

Estimated bullshit percentage: 95%

Multiple Stop Sign Violations

Legit: Officer couldn’t pull you over immediately after the first stop sign, each violation a blatant failure to come anywhere close to a stop.

Bullshit: Asshole cop tails you until sadism gives way to laziness.

Estimated bullshit percentage: 99%

Motorcycle/ATV/Dirt Bike Combo

Legit: Each ticket represents a legitimate public safety hazard, motorist was driving like an asshole.

Bullshit: Officer writes every equipment/insurance/registration/inspection ticket under the sun because he can’t stand Motorcycles/ATVs/Dirt Bikes.

Estimated bullshit percentage: 95%

Tailgating/Speeding/Lane Change ticket based on accident the officer didn’t witness

Legit: Officer is trained in accident reconstruction, motorist admits fault, photo/video evidence, convincing testimony from disinterested witnesses.

Bullshit: Officer pulls shit out of thin air based on whoever’s car looks worse/whoever bitches more.

Estimated bullshit percentage: 80%

Bonus: Red Light Camera Tickets

Legit: Someone fails to beat a red light going straight or turning left.

Bullshit: Someone slows down but fails to come to a full and complete stop at the white line before turning right.

Estimated bullshit percentage: 90%

9 Replies to “Top 10 Bullshit Tickets”

  1. I got photographed by a light camera once because I rolled on the stop (it was 3 AM and no one was on the road), but I never got a ticket in the mail. That was like 2 years ago, so I guess everything turned out better than expected.

    • Every locality does things a bit differently, but there’s always some element of human review. A real human being takes a look at the pics/videos and may throw them for several reasons. Sometimes at night the images aren’t clear enough. Other times they’ll throw out a ticket if you were close enough to a full stop. Some intersections are reviewed more thoroughly than others. Often times they’ll ticket the owner of the car instead of the driver, so if you weren’t the driver a ticket may have been issued that you’re not aware of. Regardless, if 2 years have passed, you’re safe at this point.

  2. Even though I caught tickets for legit reasons, I’m still kinda bitter about it. Those things are expensive. I’m guessing you having to sit through these bullshit tickets and bitching may make you kinda bitter as well….more bitter at any rate. Do you ever get situations that are absolutely bizarre/hilarious?

    • P.S. I think Wizard Barrister would have been a better show overall if it dealt with issues like your last two posts. Imagine what that could have been like. Instead of a hotshot improbably young lawyer handling murder cases (or dealing with advent of Satan and cults) she and her mostly useless familiar can handle traffic violations. *Sigh. I still can’t get over the fact that I wished it was Law and Order: Anime Victims Unit.

    • I don’t get anything too crazy, it’s still traffic court after all. Many circumstances surrounding tickets are funny/weird, but you never really know if it happened that way. Motorists lie all the time, and while cops don’t often lie outright, they will make tons of assumptions because they can’t remember every single detail of every single ticket clearly. Probably the funniest things are the stories that the motorists make up.

      The toughest thing about tickets in my court is that each one comes with a mandatory county fee and a state surcharge totaling $143. Most fines range from $25-$150. In other words, for most tickets, half the cost or more isn’t even the fine, it a bunch of bullshit hidden taxes.

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