Real Men have Sideburns

90% of all betesticled anime characters look like girls. Many have six-pack abs yet act like complete pussies. Only one part of the body never lies: sideburns. In this dark age of androgyny and pedophilia, sideburns are the only reliable indicator of manliness. Thick, thin, long, short, neat, sloppy, straight, tapered—as long as you have sideburns, you are a man.

Rugged manly

Iron-manly

Smooth manly

Suave manly

Gruff manly

Nabeshin manly

Progressively manlier from right to left

Award-winning manly

Speedo manly

Epic manly

The manliest sideburns in the universe

The only real-life Japanese man I’ve ever seen with sideburns just so happens to be their best baseball player. Coincidence? I think not.

But Baka-Raptor, what about beards?

Beards are manly, but sideburns are manlier. Just ask Peter the Great, who implemented a beard tax as part of his scheme to modernize Russia. Sideburns were exempt.

But Baka-Raptor, what about dinosaurs?

I present to you X. Drake, a badass dinosaur-pirate so manly I’m almost tempted to give One Piece a fourth chance.

But Baka-Raptor, what about lesbians?

Even lesbians recognize the vital contribution of sideburns to the human anatomy.

Of course, men don’t have to have sideburns. And of course, men could always end up looking like Watanuki.


Current Status: Just good enough to tap into my 108-post draft folder and finish off some of the quicker ones.