Real Men have Sideburns
90% of all betesticled anime characters look like girls. Many have six-pack abs yet act like complete pussies. Only one part of the body never lies: sideburns. In this dark age of androgyny and pedophilia, sideburns are the only reliable indicator of manliness. Thick, thin, long, short, neat, sloppy, straight, tapered—as long as you have sideburns, you are a man.
Rugged manly
Iron-manly
Smooth manly
Suave manly
Gruff manly
Nabeshin manly
Progressively manlier from right to left
Award-winning manly
Speedo manly
Epic manly
The manliest sideburns in the universe
The only real-life Japanese man I’ve ever seen with sideburns just so happens to be their best baseball player. Coincidence? I think not.
But Baka-Raptor, what about beards?
Beards are manly, but sideburns are manlier. Just ask Peter the Great, who implemented a beard tax as part of his scheme to modernize Russia. Sideburns were exempt.
But Baka-Raptor, what about dinosaurs?
I present to you X. Drake, a badass dinosaur-pirate so manly I’m almost tempted to give One Piece a fourth chance.
But Baka-Raptor, what about lesbians?
Even lesbians recognize the vital contribution of sideburns to the human anatomy.
Of course, men don’t have to have sideburns. And of course, men could always end up looking like Watanuki.
Current Status: Just good enough to tap into my 108-post draft folder and finish off some of the quicker ones.
Tags: dinosaurs, lesbians, real men have sideburns, watanuki sucks
90 people love sucking up to me
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Holy shit, a comment RSS feed!baka-raptor@baka-raptor.com
April 21st, 2010 at 11:40 am
Needs more Watanuki-esque characters with no sideburns to make a completed argument
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 12:11 pm
Do you watch anime? Like, at all?
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April 21st, 2010 at 12:13 pm
I’ll admit it, you had me looking in the mirror after this post, thinking about what a nice pair of sideburns might do for me.
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 12:26 pm
Here are but a few ways your life will change once you grow sideburns:
- Women will adore you (though they may be too intimidated to approach you)
- Men will respect you
- Criminals and wild animals will avoid you, unless you’re hunting them, in which case they’d be honored to die by your hand
- Withered plants will once again bloom as you walk past them
- You’ll save on shaving cream
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April 21st, 2010 at 12:14 pm
I will now be putting every single sideburned anime character I see to the manliness test and consulting you with all outliers.
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 12:27 pm
And I’ll be visiting every barn in America to see if pigs fly
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April 21st, 2010 at 12:15 pm
HOLY SHIT I JUST NOTICED THAT THE DINOSAUR IN THE BLOG HEADER IS BLIND
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 12:32 pm
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April 21st, 2010 at 12:15 pm
Miles from FMA: Brotherhood has badass ‘burns as well. They’re more like deadly weapons than sideburns, actually.
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 12:31 pm
Same with Kabuto Koji:
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Shinmaru Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 2:15 pm
Has anyone given any thought to sideburn fencing? Could be a pretty badass sport … then again, it could also be super homoerotic.
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chii Reply:
April 22nd, 2010 at 6:42 pm
I’m all for that!! XD
Most hilarious post i have read on the internet in a LONG time XD
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 28th, 2010 at 9:09 pm
Yeah, it has been a while since I last updated.
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April 21st, 2010 at 12:41 pm
Maes Hughes from FMA. Best character in the show. Has sideburns.
I don’t need any more convincing than that.
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 22nd, 2010 at 6:45 am
Hughes has fantastic sideburns. That’s why they killed him first—he was clearly the greatest threat.
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April 21st, 2010 at 12:52 pm
As an Asian who would like to grow sideburns but can’t, I will say that I only wish I could be as manly. Too many bald spots though.
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Kabitzin Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 1:04 pm
Wait, you have bald spots on your sideburns?!?!?!
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Hung Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 1:39 pm
Well, more like spots where hair will not grow, which is why I can’t grow a beard/sideburns. Plus it’d be way too thin. Damn.
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 22nd, 2010 at 6:46 am
Can you at least grow kiddie sideburns?
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Hung Reply:
April 25th, 2010 at 11:49 pm
I’m not going to dignify that with an answer.
Yes.
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April 21st, 2010 at 1:05 pm
http://i607.photobucket.com/albums/tt152/robertweizer/CommieHeroman-03E5EEFB76mkv_snapsho.png
have some presidential sideburns
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Rakuen Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 1:52 pm
Obviously the problem is Secret Service agents lacking sideburns.
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 3:43 pm
I bet they shave every five minutes to hide their power level.
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Rakuen Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 5:45 pm
Oh, so that’s where all the tax money is going. The shaving cream bill must be enormous.
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 3:42 pm
No wonder he got elected.
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April 21st, 2010 at 1:20 pm
pfft, my dick has sideburns
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 3:43 pm
You might want to get that checked out…
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April 21st, 2010 at 1:36 pm
http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b269/MetalSonic700/n512187143_1553922_2675-1.jpg
It’s hard to get it thicker and further down the jawline, but it certainly feels good to try.
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 3:50 pm
3/4 the way down the ear is perfectly good sideburn length. Even half-way can be plenty. Nobody’s expected to grow a pair of Golgos.
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April 21st, 2010 at 1:44 pm
True manliness is more about actions than appearances, although there seems to be correlation between manliness and sideburns.
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 3:57 pm
That’s because sideburns do help you in battle. They’re scientifically proven to help with balance, camouflage, and impact absorption. A real man wouldn’t be vain enough to shave himself into a disadvantage.
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April 21st, 2010 at 2:07 pm
I’m proud to say I have sideburns.
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 4:00 pm
I’m proud to say I have a reader who’s proud to say he has sideburns.
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April 21st, 2010 at 3:36 pm
Some sideburns are just weird…actually, many sideburns are pretty weird. Especially in anime.
However, since you used Isaac in this post, I will totally endorse it.
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 4:09 pm
You’re really asking for it in Round 2…
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mefloraine Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 7:07 pm
Ha ha, I’m already doomed for round two. orz;;
Going to pull pranks anyway though. ;3
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April 21st, 2010 at 4:19 pm
BOOM BITCH
http://myanimelist.net/character/1141/Yuuichi_Tate
http://myanimelist.net/character/4052/Takumi_Tokiha
Tokiha Takumi and Tate Yuuichi, BOTH of the most major male characters in Mai-HiME are the most worthless, bitchy, pussy-ass characters in the show, routinely dominated by the performances of the kick-ass babes. Takumi in particular is known for being the bitch in his relationship with Akira and Yuuichi is just a bitch all-around.
BOTH HAVE SIDEBURNS.
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digital boy Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 7:44 pm
In addition, I can’t believe you did a post about manly guys with sideburns and didn’t include Lupin, the most famous pair of sideburns in anime history.
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 7:59 pm
I had a Lupin pic in my sideburns folder, but it didn’t have a great angle. I was too lazy to find another pic.
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 8:13 pm
First of all, Takumi doesn’t have sideburns. The hair drooping in front of his ears clearly originates around eyebrow level.
Now, Yuuichi, he definitely has sideburns. Very nice sideburns I must add. And yes, the girls are the stars of the show. But Yuuichi acts as a source of stability to Mai and Shiho while they turn emo. That’s a manly role. I never disliked Yuuichi. Whenever I get around to rewatching Mai Hime, I’ll take closer look at him to make sure he’s legit.
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digital boy Reply:
April 22nd, 2010 at 9:07 am
When I was rewatching the show about a year ago I couldn’t stand Yuuichi… he’s totally useless and whines a lot. But I didn’t finish that rewatch either…
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April 21st, 2010 at 4:47 pm
this was a post that needed to be made. because all male characters without sideburns are usually vaginas. and look like women. side-burns are a great addition to any man.
also… you should give one piece another chance.. i think its a really good show… well.. it also depends what arc you are on but i feel like the further you get the better the arcs get
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 22nd, 2010 at 6:54 am
I’ll be shocked if I don’t give One Piece another chance at some point. My best friend from college loves One Piece, and we usually share the same taste in anime. There are parts of the show I really like. It’s the parts where they clown around and do all kinds of stupid shit that keep me from taking the show seriously.
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April 21st, 2010 at 6:25 pm
“Progressively manlier from right to left”
The show even lines them up for us. It’s like an evolution chart with Golgo 13 at the very far end of the line.
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 22nd, 2010 at 4:16 pm
Adachi knows how to make manly characters. If I had any screenshots of Eijiro Kashiwaba from Touch, he would’ve been at the top of the list:
http://myanimelist.net/character/14125/Eijiro_Kashiwaba/pictures
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April 21st, 2010 at 8:01 pm
LOL sideburns post, Baka-raptor? wwwwww
Yes. Sideburns are manly. But sometimes they tend to be TOO manly for me that it turns out to be TOO gay.
Also, beards are more manly. I wouldn’t mind having a beard when I grow up.
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 22nd, 2010 at 4:28 pm
Too gay? So you’re fine with regular gay?
Nothing wrong with a beard. You can always upgrade to sideburns.
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April 21st, 2010 at 8:58 pm
If you used sideburns your eyes would be too much of intimidated of you to get strained.
Although not an anime review, it is an ok flashback filler. ( because i remember reading something about this topic elsewhere in your site )
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 22nd, 2010 at 4:35 pm
This is what I call a foundational post. If there’s a topic I bring up fairly often, like mountain training or robots with feelings, I’ll write a post about it to explain my position. That way I can just link back to the post if anyone ever bitches about it. “Baka-Raptor, what’s so great about sideburns?” Read the post.
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April 21st, 2010 at 9:58 pm
Holy shit, I just noticed I have sideburns. I guess that’s why I have been able to insult almost everybody I see and still get away with it…
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 22nd, 2010 at 4:39 pm
“Men” without sideburns are insulting themselves. Your words are only reinforcing what they know as the truth.
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April 21st, 2010 at 10:50 pm
By this standard, shouldn’t Inuyasha be the manliest off all? you could braid his fuckin sideburns!
This was a great post, because I have sideburns. Had I not had sideburns, I probably would’ve cried from this posts (after all, I’d be a huge pussy). Time to go eat a raw steak and drink a large, dark beer.
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 22nd, 2010 at 4:44 pm
Inu Yasha has an unfair advantage since his ears are so high on his head. Everything in front and below counts as sideburns.
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April 22nd, 2010 at 12:03 am
I guess I need to stop shaving my sideburns.
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 22nd, 2010 at 4:45 pm
And that’s the beauty of sideburns. It’s not something you have to work towards. All you have to do is not shave them.
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April 22nd, 2010 at 1:49 am
Excuse me, but Sam from Terra e… had sideburns, and I regard him as a retarded douche bag who–wait, never mind, he fits the criteria of a true man.
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 22nd, 2010 at 4:48 pm
Never seen the show, but if you’re talking about this guy, he’s clearly a man’s man by all objective standards and qualifications.
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April 22nd, 2010 at 2:52 am
You think X. Drake is something? Franky uses his as weapons.
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 22nd, 2010 at 4:48 pm
Franky defines “Speedo Manly.”
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April 22nd, 2010 at 4:58 am
I replaced my sideburns with a neckbeard, what does it say about me?
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 22nd, 2010 at 4:51 pm
Trick question—nothing can replace sideburns.
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April 22nd, 2010 at 7:06 am
http://i40.tinypic.com/axgzmq.jpg
There, I have just made you so much manlier. Thank you.
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 22nd, 2010 at 4:52 pm
You’re welcome. I always wondered how I’d look with a pompadour. Better than I expected.
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April 22nd, 2010 at 8:21 am
You raised a valid point. I have never think of it this way before. Now I have a measuring stick. Thank you Baka-Raptor. You are a life saver
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 22nd, 2010 at 4:53 pm
Close one, I almost trashed this as a spam comment. I don’t think it’s possible to write a more generally applicable comment for this site.
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April 22nd, 2010 at 11:58 am
Keep getting better, Baka-Raptor.
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 22nd, 2010 at 4:54 pm
Make me.
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April 22nd, 2010 at 3:36 pm
So, the magical power of sideburns healed your eyes enough to write another post?
brb growing sideburns
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 27th, 2010 at 12:44 pm
There’s no magic involved. Sideburns are an excellent repository for Vitamins A, C, and E, as well as zinc, copper, and omega-3 fatty acid. If your eyes are deficient, the nutrients slide over.
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April 23rd, 2010 at 1:20 am
My hypothesis is that growing a sideburns while training in the mountains results in a multiplicative effect to one’s manliness. Is this true? If so, I am in good hands.
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 27th, 2010 at 12:47 pm
Yes, but it can be canceled out by shaving your sideburns at sea level.
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April 23rd, 2010 at 8:24 am
I endorse Sideburn Endorsement Posts.
As much as I love my Sideburns the Shaving them symmetrically part took a real learning curve. I cant remember how long I ran around with crappy sideburns after I ditched the Golgo-Style and went advanced.
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 27th, 2010 at 12:52 pm
Trying too hard to even your sideburns could backfire. At some point you need to settle.
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April 23rd, 2010 at 1:18 pm
Yammy has sideburns
http://pix.motivatedphotos.com/2009/5/11/633776431949941250-Yammy.jpg
Are you saying that his super sideburns cancel out the fact that he’s shit?
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 28th, 2010 at 5:52 pm
There’s no cancellation, just mitigation. It could be worse: he could be worthless AND look like a girl.
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April 24th, 2010 at 10:34 pm
Truer words have not been spoken. It’s a well known fact in character design that if you want to make any character seem more “manly” or “rugged” sideburns will do the trick. Maybe even a little stubble and a wider set jaw.
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 28th, 2010 at 5:59 pm
Whoa, slow down there, one step at a time. Next thing you know, you’ll start expecting men to have above average height and muscle mass.
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April 25th, 2010 at 10:02 am
Cutey Honey also has badass manly sideburns.
But then again, she was the manliest character in Re: Cutey Honey, so it’s pretty much par for the course.
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Baka-Raptor Reply:
April 28th, 2010 at 6:18 pm
Manly women have manly sideburns.
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May 10th, 2010 at 3:39 am
[...] also started caring more about my appearance, to the point that I’ve considered growing sideburns. Because real men have them, and at this rate I need all the manly validation I can get after [...]
May 17th, 2010 at 2:21 am
I remembered that there is a very famous actor in the Philippines, because of his sideburns and his OverAct action…… Harharhar!
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May 22nd, 2010 at 3:44 am
http://www.baka-raptor.com/WorstAnimeChars/hunter/leorio.jpg
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May 23rd, 2010 at 7:16 pm
I like sideburns because of my older man fetish. Pissy whiny teenage heroes never have sideburns because they can’t handle those manchops of glory!
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May 28th, 2010 at 10:42 am
[...] versucht Kuroda auch, von seinem ganz eigenen Nutzen zu überzeugen. Japp. Real men have sideburns. Sowie auch die Hälfte des [...]
July 14th, 2010 at 11:31 am
My barber cut off my sideburns before I could even realise what’s happening – now I feel like I’ve only got 1 of my balls left. Today I have been robbed of my manhood. This must be the worst day of my life untill now Q.Q
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Marinate Reply:
September 7th, 2010 at 3:35 pm
ROFL
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August 18th, 2010 at 9:13 pm
I call Bullshit on side burns being more manly than beards, for any man can grow side burns but it takes a true manly man to grow a beard. I’ve had side burns, I do admit that sideburns complement your manliness but only a beard states “I am MAN Fear my Manliness!!!” As an experiment I decided to shave my beard completely off after having it for two years. The results: My chin felt cold and naked as though I needed a sweater for my head to warm my face and to hide the shame of wronging my beard. Have you ever noticed that whenever sideburns connect to your beard it’s still referred to as just a beard? I rest my case… next topic where did all the mustaches go!!!
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October 23rd, 2010 at 1:17 pm
[...] you’re a pedophile, you could always go for Kazuki, whose sideburns are still [...]
June 1st, 2011 at 5:56 am
0.o I’m asian, and I have long sideburns. In fact, my friend was so jealous that he wanted to cut my sideburns off and take them for himself…
Oh, and I recognize the speedo man. He’s that teach from Toradora right? Lol X)
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September 17th, 2011 at 2:31 pm
[...] of manly spear (would benefit from some sideburns) [...]